Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties (31 page)

     
‘Right,’ he says determinedly, and drapes it over my arm like I’m a coat hanger. ‘I’m not having him talk about you like that.’

Like what? Did I miss something? Oh Christ, don’t tell me he’s fighting for me now. I look down at the jacket and sigh. What is it with men and this macho thing off pulling off their jackets?

      ‘You stuck up pompous bastard,’ he yells, lashing out with his fist. I close my eyes and wince in anticipation.

     
‘What’s happening?’ calls Fiona. I open my eyes to see her running towards us in her silk red dress, Sebastian close behind her. Brice has caught the flying fist and with his other hand aims a punch to Julian’s stomach sending him staggering back.

     
‘Oh God,’ I squeal.

     
‘Why is Brice beating the shit out of Julian?’ cries Caron, rushing out with Mum.

Julian slowly scrambles up from the ground and looks around.
There’s a big audience now.

     
‘Brice, please don’t,’ I beg.

     
‘Don’t what? Don’t stand up for you?’ he demands breathlessly, perspiration running from his forehead. Perhaps I should take his jacket too.

Well, when he puts it like that obviously I want him to stand up for me. I just wish he didn’t have to beat Julian to a pulp in the process.

      ‘No, I didn’t mean that, I meant,’ I say flustered.

     
‘Meant what?’ he asks looking at me. Julian, seeing his opportunity throws a fist at Brice’s chin. I scream and Fiona covers her eyes.

     
‘Oh God,’ groans Caron.

     
‘Never thought I’d see a bleeding toff fighting,’ says Gary excitedly. ‘This is great.’

Brice tumbles back onto his haunches and Julian lashes out with his foot.

      ‘Dirty f-f-f-f-f- …’

     
‘Yes,
dirty
fucker
,’ shouts Caron.

Oh God, I could die with embarrassment.

      ‘Dirty fighter,’ finishes Alistair.

Brice grabs Julian’s foot and twists it, before pulling Julian up by his collar and shoving him into the rose bushes.

      ‘
Yes!
’ shouts Fiona.

     
‘Fiona for God’s sake,’ I snap.

     
‘Sorry, aren’t we on Brice’s side?’

     
‘Yes of course but …’

Oh God, this is just awful. The sound of a lone piper playing in the ballroom makes the whole thing seem surreal. It feels like that moment the Titanic went down, only this time I feel sure the person going under is me. Julian dives headfirst for Brice and I cover my face with my hands.

      ‘What the bleeding hell is going on?’ asks Mum as she hurries towards me.

     
‘Brice is standing up for me,’ I say.

Although now he isn’t as such because Julian has sent him sprawling into the rose bushes and they are both scrambling around amongst the shrubs. Julian’s lip is swelling up and his eyebrow looks cut.

      ‘Dad, can’t you do something?’ I beg.

     
‘Stop two men fighting? I don’t think so dear.’

Julian crashes out of the rose bushes and lands at our feet. Brice strolls out and stands over him.

      ‘
Kill him, kill him
,’ shouts Mum.

     
‘For God’s sake Mum, it’s not a bleeding boxing match.’

Brice’s lip is also bleeding and I don’t know who to run to first.

      ‘What in buggeration is going on here?’

We all turn at Margarita’s strong firm voice.

      ‘Hello old girl. I was teaching this young man here the right way to treat a woman,’ says Brice casually, offering Julian his hand. Julian grasps it roughly while aiming his foot at Brice’s groin. I flinch and Fiona squeals.

     
‘Oh dirty play,’ yells Gary.

     
‘Quite,’ agrees Alistair as Brice goes sprawling, clutching his groin. Julian grins proudly at me. We all watch with our breath held as Brice recovers and sends a punch to Julian’s stomach.

     
‘Good God Brice, stop this at once. We have guests. If I had wanted entertainment I would have paid for it. Just what woman are you standing up for?’

     
‘Me,’ I say stepping forward timidly.

     
‘Well aren’t you the popular one.’

Hamilton stands behind her giving me daggers.

      ‘I really think we all should go inside. It is time for the engagement ring ceremony and I have an announcement to make.’

She turns on her heel with all the sp
irit of a fifty year old.

     
‘If your grandmother is dying then I’m a monkey’s uncle,’ I say to Hamilton.

     
‘What?’ he asks looking puzzled.

     
‘You heard me,’ I say, walking towards Julian who is slumped on the ground.

     
‘Harriet,’ he says looking at me longingly. ‘I did it for you. I love you.’

     
‘You’re lucky he didn’t beat you to a pulp,’ I say. ‘God knows you deserved it.’

I ignore his outstretched hand and walk to the house feeling Brice’s eyes boring into my back. Phoebe stops me in the doorway.

      ‘You don’t really think that was about you do you? That’s just men’s pride. Really Harriet, if you think Brice would ever take a woman like you seriously you must be mad. He’s way out of your league. You’re just a novelty.’

I turn away from her and walk into the house. As much as I don’t want to believe what she says I can’t help feeling she may be right. If only I could just run away but I really think I should hear Margarita’s announcement. I have a terrible feeling Hamilton is not going to like what she has to say.

     
I stare mesmerised at the sparkling engagement ring as Hamilton pushes it over my finger to loud applause and whistles. This is surreal. I’m engaged to one of the richest men in England but it turns out he has no money at all. I am destined to attract men with bad financial sense, not that I attracted Hamilton but you know what I mean. Phoebe looks enviously at the ring and then angrily at me as Hamilton leans towards me and kisses me full on the lips. I’m overwhelmed for a moment, although this is more because of Hamilton’s halitosis than his kissing expertise. Phoebe is welcome to this if she can stand it. God, his breath is enough to knock you dead. Perhaps he should just breathe over Margarita, she will drop dead, Hamilton will get his inheritance and we can all go home.

     
‘Well,’ says Margarita with some kind of finality.

She gestures to Cedric to pour the
champagne.

     
‘I would like to propose a toast to the happy couple,’ she says, raising her glass. Hamilton takes my hand and raises his glass to me.

     
‘Well done,’ he says gleefully.

     
‘Why didn’t you tell me you had no money?’ I hiss angrily.

     
‘I do but it’s all tied up, that’s all. I’ll get it. After tonight you’ll never have to see me again. I’ll tell Grandma you’ve gone to New York to wrap up the business, she’ll believe that. The next big event will be her funeral no doubt.’

     
‘You’re such a bastard,’ I say disdainfully.

     
‘Yes. And you’ve not done too badly out of it either.’

     
‘To Hamilton and Harriet,’ says Margarita loudly.

     
‘To Hamilton and Harriet,’ everyone repeats.

     
‘And to a long marriage,’ she says, eyeing us both. ‘I have to say Hamilton you have surprised me, and surpassed my expectations.’

     
‘Thank you Grandma,’ Hamilton smiles, looking pleased with himself.

     
‘I never thought you would go through with it,’ she adds, settling herself into the wheelchair.

Hamilton looks confused, and
I knock back my champagne. I have a bad feeling about this and I quickly
grab another glass.

     
‘I knew you would go to extremes to get the shares but I never thought you would go so far as to marry someone you barely knew. I’m quite amazed you would go to such lengths to get your own way. Your deceit is almost admirable in its planning. Such scheming Hamilton, you have quite surpassed yourself.’

Melanie gasps and falls into a chair. Sebastian turns white and Hamilton looks as if he will collapse at any moment. Julian glares at me like this is
all my fault. Honestly, I’m the innocent victim here. I look at the engagement ring. Well, I might as well get a little pleasure from it. I imagine they will whip it off me before long.

     
‘Bloody hell,’ gasps Gary.

     
‘Grandma … I can …’ Hamilton begins but she quickly dismisses him.

     
‘The Lancaster business has been in the family for generations,’ she begins. ‘Its success has been due to the way the business has been run, with honesty and integrity. I had hoped, with my little test, that you would have taken one last opportunity to prove yourself, but you have only shown yourself to be purely mercenary. I have decided to make Brice the majority shareholder. And don’t get into a state thinking you’re going to lose everything. I’ll keep my word. I have some integrity even if you don’t. You’ll get a substantial share of the business too.’

Hamilton sighs with relief. I don’t suppose she is going to say I’ll get my share. This is bloody awful. Julian is the prick who got me into this, and Hamilton is the second prick who led me down the garden path letting me think he could get me out of it. Bleeding men, I swear they’ll be the sodding death of me. I wonder if they’ll forget about
the ring. Well, you never know, maybe I could forget it too and wander off home with it on my finger.

     
‘Brice, you’ll receive yours when I complete the paperwork next month and Hamilton you will receive yours on the tenth anniversary of your marriage to Harriet.’

Good God. There is no way on earth I’m going to marry this little shit. As for spending ten years with him, Christ, I’d rather cover myself in jam and sit in a wasps
’ nest. Hamilton sways on his feet and Melanie looks about to faint. Sebastian freezes, and for a moment resembles the bronze statues in the hall, without the bronze of course. I’ve never seen anyone so white. Some of the guests lower their heads in embarrassment while others make a discreet exit to the hall.

     
‘Perhaps after ten years you will have learnt some sense of responsibility,’ she adds ignoring the potent affect her words are having.

     
‘What do you mean
little test
,’ he asks.

Oh, the penny has finally dropped has it?

      ‘She’s not dying Hamilton, at least not in the next few weeks,’ I say calmly.

     
‘Quite right my dear, I am not.’

     
‘I’m glad,’ I say, removing the ring. Well, I couldn’t really sneak out with this huge rock on my finger could I?

The news that Margarita isn’t about to pop her clogs stuns everyone into silence.
After the calm comes the storm, and the hall bursts into commotion.

     
‘Ten years?’ cries Phoebe. ‘How can you make him do that? That’s unbearably cruel to make him stay with
her
for ten years. You forced him to take her as his wife. He wouldn’t have looked twice at her otherwise.’

She rushes to his side and clasps his hand.

      ‘It’s okay honey,’ she whispers softly.

     
‘You can always be my Camilla,’ he says thoughtlessly.

I suppose
I should be flattered to be the Princess Diana in this scenario, and I give Phoebe a smug smile.

     
‘Oh well, it’s much better to be the consolation prize than to be ignored altogether isn’t it?’ I say.

She looks about to slap me. I have to admit to rather enjoying this. A shame I will leave penniless, but what the hell, it is what I have been used to all my life.

      ‘What’s going on?’ Mum asks Fiona.

     
‘Are they engaged or not?’ asks Dad.

     
‘I’m bleeding confused,’ says Caron.

     
‘You lied,’ yells Hamilton, snatching the ring from me. ‘You said you were dying, you lying old witch. You deliberately made us all desperate.’

Sebastian steps forward, his face deathly white.

      ‘You’re not going to die in the next few weeks?’ he says with frustration evident in his voice. This family are unbelievable.

     
‘Sorry to be a disappointment to you Sebastian,’ she retorts haughtily. ‘I hope you haven’t gone to too much trouble with the funeral arrangements.’

Melanie is so overcome that she cannot stop trembling.

      ‘Do you realise how much this whole thing has cost us,’ she says, seething with anger. ‘The engagement cake alone was two hundred pounds.’

My God, two hundred pounds, Christ, is it full of hash? Maybe I should have a slice now and ease some of this tension. On reflection it might be a good idea to force feed it all to Hamilton.

      ‘That was an obscene thing to do Mother,’ Sebastian says through gritted teeth.

     
‘And your behaviour hasn’t been?’ she snaps.

     
‘That’s enough abuse,’ says Brice, stepping forward. ‘Grandma has the right to do whatever she wishes. They are her shares after all.’

     
‘You would say that wouldn’t you,’ Sebastian says angrily.

Fiona quietly slips her arm through Alistair’s.

      ‘I think you are all incorrigible,’ she says. ‘You are vultures, the lot of you’.

     
‘Hamilton is such a w-w-w-w- …’

     
‘Wanker,’ says Fiona.

     
‘Waste of space,’ finishes Alistair.

     
‘I think wanker was more fitting,’ I say.

Julian sighs and downs a glass of champagne.

      ‘You’re a wicked lying old witch,’ repeats Hamilton. ‘You’ll end up alone and miserable and may it serve you right.’

She reels at his words and I put a restraining hand on his chest.

      ‘Hamilton, try to calm down.’

     
‘Don’t tell me to calm down you common little tart. You knew, you knew she wasn’t dying. What did she pay you to play along? You can sling your hook and crawl back to the gutter where you belong.’

     
‘Watch your bleeding mouth young man,’ shouts Mum.

     
‘Yes, you bloody upstart, who do you think you’re calling a tart,’ cries Caron, edging towards him.

     
‘Yeah, bloody toffs. You think money can buy everything don’t you?’ joins in Gary.

I roll my eyes. This
is all I need. The Montagues and the Capulets in the grand ballroom. I’ll be knocking back the poison next.
Perhaps I’ll just slip out when all the mayhem starts. I can sneak Gary’s Barclaycard Platinum into my bag and bugger off somewhere nice. Hamilton steps towards his grandmother and she wheels herself backwards. I put a restraining hand on his chest yet again. I’m a glutton for punishment that’s for sure. I’m about to beg him to think about his actions when there is a loud rapping on the front door.

     
‘Open up,’ shouts an all too familiar voice.

I look
at Brice who nods and pulls out his mobile.

     
‘This is Scooby Doo,’ he says with a grin. ‘Let’s rock and roll.’