It was his mother. She was calling because her last check hadn’t arrived. Her voice
sounded hollow in the small phone, and each word she mouthed echoed because it was a
bad connection. The room started to spin in circles and he pressed his palm to his
forehead, forcing his voice to remain natural. He clenched one fist against his head and
told her he’d just mailed her a check from New York and she should be getting it
tomorrow. He almost told her about his cancer. He even began the sentence with,
“There’s something I have to tell you….” But she interrupted him and started talking
about what his next career plan was. She thought it might be wise for him to do more porn flicks. She said the money was good and she reminded him he wasn’t getting any
younger.
While she was talking about the type of porn he should do, he clicked off the TV.
Then he reached to the nightstand and opened a full bottle of dudes. He stared at the
bottle for a moment, then started taking the pills. He popped them into his mouth three
and four at a time, washing them down with a warm glass of tap water. When the entire
bottle was empty, he told his mother he was tired and he’d call her the next morning.
Chapter Twenty One
While Lance was in the bedroom packing to leave for New York, Cody was
outside in the pool. Cody had been staying with Rush and Lance. When he’d been
discharged from the clinic, Rush had insisted on taking him back to Malibu so he
wouldn’t go back to an empty house in the Hollywood Hills alone. At first, Cody had
refused, hating the thought of imposing on them. But Rush insisted with such strength
Cody finally agreed. And he wouldn’t be there for long anyway. He had also agreed to
star in the new Broadway show,
Jump as High as You Can,
and he was moving back to
New York to begin rehearsal. Lance was going with him, and he’d be commuting back
and forth to the West Coast. Bart Hasslet thought it would be best for the show if Lance
went. Cody still had to prove he wasn’t taking drugs anymore and Bart wanted Lance
there to support him. Rush wasn’t happy about Lance going back to New York, but he
knew it was the best thing for Cody, whom he considered one of his best friends.
Rush turned on the TV and pulled a bag of fresh coffee beans out of the closet.
Cody and Lance were leaving for the airport in less than an hour and Rush wanted Lance
to at least have a cup of coffee and a glass of juice before he left. While he was
measuring the coffee, Cody walked into the kitchen and said good morning. He was
completely naked, drying the front of his body with a large black towel. Rush smiled and
stared down at the coffee maker, but he was clenching his teeth. Rush and Lance’s
Malibu home was casual and simple, but Rush thought Cody should have been wearing
something—at least a pair of briefs. If Rush had been a guest in someone’s home, he
wouldn’t have been walking around stark naked as if it were perfectly normal. While Cody was drying his body, Lance walked into the kitchen with his suitcases.
He was wearing a black T-shirt and a tight pair of low-rise jeans. Rush switched on the
coffee maker and smiled. He was about to move from behind the counter to kiss Lance
good morning when Cody tossed the large towel over the back of a stool and fell into
Lance’s arms. He hugged Lance, rubbing his naked body against Lance’s tight jeans, and
said, “I’m so glad you’re coming to New York with me. I don’t know what I’d do
without you. I’m going to need someone strong.” His voice was low and meek: a
sickening, breathy stage whisper.
Lance smiled and tapped his shoulders. He wasn’t sure where to put his hands.
“Don’t worry about it,” Lance said, waving his arm. “I’m looking forward to spending
some time in New York. I miss it.”
Rush smoothed out his hair and smiled. He was wearing a pair of loose plaid
lounge pants and a wrinkled white T-shirt. Cody’s naked back and sweet, firm ass was
exposed to him. Rush raised one eyebrow and gave Lance a look. He felt like snapping a
wet dish towel against Cody’s bare ass. But he smiled and said, “Why don’t you go up
and get dressed, Cody? Your coffee will be ready by the time you get down. You don’t
want to miss the flight.” He continued to smile and kept his voice upbeat. But inside he
was seething. He’d noticed Cody had a semi-erection and it was pressing into Lance’s
jeans.
When Cody stepped back, Lance pointed to the TV screen and shouted, “Look,
isn’t that Harriet on TV? Turn up the volume.”
Rush turned up the volume, then handed Cody the large towel. “You’d better put
this on,” he said. “It’s chilly this morning.” Cody took the towel and wrapped it around his waist. He smiled and said, “I am a
little cold. I don’t want to get sick before rehearsal even starts. And I really shouldn’t be
walking around naked in front of Lance this way.”
Lance was staring at the TV. He waved his arm and said, “Nonsense. We’re all
guys. Don’t worry about it.”
Rush pressed his lips together and folded his arms across his chest.
They all turned toward the television. Rush thought it was going to be a
promotion or something for Anderson. But when he saw that Harriet was walking next to
a stretcher, he took a quick breath. There was a dead person on the stretcher, covered in a
brown body bag. Harriet was wearing dark glasses, a dark coat, and she was holding a
handkerchief. There were photographers and reporters all around her. A man in a dark
suit who looked like a police detective was holding her elbow. Someone shoved a
microphone in Harriet’s face and she pushed it away with a quick swipe. When the TV
announcer said that Anderson, who was well known for his adult films, had been found
dead that morning in a hotel room outside San Francisco, in an alleged suicide, Rush
pressed his palm to his chest and gasped. His knees felt weak and his heart starting
beating faster.
“Oh my God,” Cody cried, gripping the back of a stool. “I thought he was doing
so well, too. I knew he was upset over Joey. But he became so successful overnight.” He
paused. “I can’t say I’m shocked, though. These porn people never have happy endings.”
Rush glared at Cody for a moment. He sounded too smug for someone with his
own drug problems. Then he turned to the TV and watched them lift Anderson’s body
into the back of an ambulance. He watched Harriet wipe a tear from her left eye. “I had no idea Anderson was that bad,” Rush said. “I should have insisted on keeping in touch
with him. I should have been there for him. I’ll never forgive myself for this.”
Lance put his arm around Rush and hugged him. “You can’t blame yourself,” he
said. “Sometimes people do these things and we never know why. Anderson knew you
were his friend. He loved you very much.” Then he shook his head and said, “It’s so
sad.”
* * * *
In the months that followed, it was officially determined that Anderson had
overdosed on dudes. The reports called them barbiturates, but Rush was all too familiar
with the term “dudes.” The death was officially classified as a suicide. But it also became
public knowledge, after an autopsy, that Anderson had been in the final stages of
pancreatic cancer. When Harriet heard about the cancer, she contacted Anderson’s doctor
in New York and insisted he hold a press conference to let the public know that Anderson
knew about the cancer before he committed suicide. She arranged the entire event herself.
She stood beside the doctor on the platform, wiping tears from her eyes while he spoke.
It eased Rush’s guilt to know there had been an underlying reason behind
Anderson’s suicide, and that Anderson did have a fatal disease. Rush probably couldn’t
have done anything to change Anderson’s mind. But that was the only comfort Rush
found during that time in his life.
While Lance and Cody were in New York, Rush started taking dudes himself. He
wasn’t sleeping, and he felt as if his life was spiraling in circles and he couldn’t stop it.
Though he spoke frequently to Lance on the phone, he detected omething was missing in
their conversations. When Lance had first left for New York, he’d complained about how much he missed Rush and how much he loved him. They even had phone sex in the
middle of the night. But as the weeks passed, their phone calls grew shorter and less
frequent. Rush noticed changes in Lance’s voice. He was curt and evasive instead of
loving and supportive; he was always hanging up fast because he was late for something
important. Lance only talked about the new show or other aspects of his work, and he
stopped mentioning how much he missed and loved Rush.
And there were rumors. Along with every article in the entertainment magazines
about Cody’s Broadway comeback and his addiction to drugs, there was a short mention
of how close Cody was getting with his handsome agent and attorney, Lance Sharp. They
implied Cody and Lance were sleeping together; they implied that Rush, the international
male model, was the scorned third party and that Lance was jilting him. Their alleged
affair was all over the Internet. Even Harriet called Rush to see if it was true or not. She
told Rush, puffing on a cigarette, that she’d always thought he was too good for Lance,
and that Cody was nothing more than common street trash. Of course Rush denied all the
rumors to everyone. But on the inside, he was falling to pieces.
Then one night, after watching a story about Lance and Cody on television, Rush
called Lance’s hotel room and Cody answered the phone. It was late, after two in the
morning New York time. Rush pretended he wanted to tell Lance something important
about a property tax issue regarding the Malibu house. But when Cody answered the
phone, Rush’s jaw dropped. Why would Cody be in Lance’s hotel room that late at night?
Rush cleared his throat and said, “Ah well, Cody. Is Lance there? I have to tell him
something important.” Cody yawned into the receiver. “We just got in. He’s in the shower. I’ll tell him
you called.” His voice was light and friendly, as if this were perfectly natural. There was
a loud click and a moment of silence. When Cody spoke again, he said, “I’m sorry. I was
taking my pants off and I dropped the phone. It landed right in my underwear.” Then he
started to laugh.
Rush hung up. He didn’t say a word. It sounded as if they were about to have sex.
His stomach started to burn and his eyes filled with tears. Evidently, all the rumors he’d
been hearing about Lance and Cody were true. He sat in a chair for a long time and
stared at the bedroom wall, and then he took four dudes and fell into bed sobbing.
The next day, Rush didn’t get out of bed. He waited for Lance to call, wondering
if Cody had even bothered to tell Lance he’d called the night before. When Lance finally
did call, it was almost midnight New York time.
“Are you okay?” Lance asked. His voice was soft and distant.
It was hard to speak. He’d taken more dudes and his lips felt numb. “I’m fine,” he
said, trying hard to be strong. “I called you last night. Cody answered the phone in your
hotel room.” He didn’t want to accuse him, but he wanted the information out in the open
to see how Lance would react.
Lance sighed. “Look,” he said, “this is difficult. I’m just going to come right out
with it. I want to take a break.”
Rush laughed—he sounded so businesslike. “You want to take a
break
?” he
repeated. “We aren’t dating, Lance. We are supposedly a couple. We can’t get legally
married, but I thought we were committed to each other just like a married couple. I thought we were in love. I know I’m still in love with
you
. What happened? Why are you
doing this to us?”
Lance hesitated. “I don’t know what happened. I’ve been very confused since I
arrived in New York. And I’m sorry. I do love you.”
“Do you want to ‘
take a break
’ because of Cody? Are you sleeping with Cody
now?” Rush asked.
“I’m sorry I said I want to take a break,” Lance said. “It was a poor choice of
words. I’m an idiot. And I don’t want to go into detail about Cody. He’s still very fragile
and very vulnerable. I don’t want him to get hurt with any bad publicity right now.”
If Rush hadn’t been on drugs and his entire world hadn’t been crumbling around
him, he would have laughed into the phone again. Lance was worried about Cody? There
was nothing innocent or fragile about Cody. Cody had been an aggressive viper since the
