He went to a small pub down the street from the theater and sat on a stool at the
end of the bar. The baseball cap was pulled down to his eyes, and the brim covered half
his face. It was a narrow, dark place and it wasn’t crowded that night. Cody had been
there before and the bartender knew him. He’d always liked the fact that he could sit way
in the back and no one would recognize him. He ordered vodka on the rocks and took two
more dudes. By the time the bar was ready to close, he’d lost all track of time. The
bartender offered to call him a taxi, but he refused with a smile, handed the bartender a
fifty-dollar tip, and walked into the street on his own.
When he reached the theater, he stopped on the sidewalk and looked up at the
marquise.
Jump as High as You Can
was spelled out in bold lights, and his name, with
top billing, was twinkling. He leaned forward and gave the marquee his middle finger.
Then he wiped his mouth and shouted, “You can all go fuck yourselves. You need me
more than I need you. I’m the star. I’ll always be the star.” He went down to his knees on
the cold, hard sidewalk. He pointed up and shouted, “Cody, Cody, Cody. Isn’t that a huge
fucking laugh?” While he shouted his own name over and over, he reached forward with
both hands and started clutching the air as if he was stuck in quicksand and he was
reaching out for help. Traffic continued to pass. People stopped and stared at him for a moment, then
continued walking. The show had ended and everyone in the theater had gone home. The
only people left on the street didn’t know who he was. If anything, they thought he was
just another sloppy drunk in a baseball cap. But Cody was too far gone to even care what
anyone thought. He didn’t know what he was doing. The only thing he felt was a hollow
feeling in the pit of his stomach.
But when he reached into his pocket to get a few more dudes, someone came up
from behind and reached under his arms. It was someone strong, a man with large solid
hands. The man lifted him to his feet and held him by his waist.
Cody turned slowly; his eyes rolled back and it felt as if the street was turning
with him. He almost lost his balance and fell again, but the man holding him smiled and
said, “I’ve got you. Don’t worry. I’m going to get a taxi and I’m going to get you back to
bed safely.”
Cody’s vision was blurred, but he knew the voice. He lifted his head and
whispered, “Where did you come from?”
Roy lifted his arm and hailed a cab. Then he smiled and said, “I came to New
York for opening night. I was worried about you. When Lance told me what happened, I
went backstage to find you and you were gone. I’ve been looking for you since the last
act. I had a feeling you’d go back to the theater. Everyone else thought you’d just go back
to the hotel.”
Cody smiled. He put his arm around Roy’s waist and said, “I love you so much.
I’ve never stopped loving you. I’ve been a fool. I should have held on to what I had.” He
held him tighter. “Please don’t let me wind up like Anderson. I don’t want to be like this. I just can’t help myself. I thought I could handle the pills, but I’m not as strong as I
thought I was.” He grabbed Roy’s jacket and looked into his eyes. “I don’t want to die
this way.”
“I love you, too,” Roy said. “I promise we’ll get through this. And it will only
make us stronger. But you have to trust me.”
“Can you forgive me?” Cody asked. As stoned as he was, he knew his mistakes.
Roy didn’t hesitate. “If you love someone unconditionally, and the love you feel
for them is stronger than anything else you feel, forgiveness becomes a way of life.”
“I’m sorry for the disappointments,” Cody said. “I’m so sorry.”
Roy shrugged his shoulders. “Life is filled with disappointments. We get past
them. We don’t have a choice.”
Cody nodded and squeezed Roy’s waist. He thought about Anderson and how
desperate Anderson must have been. He was sorry he hadn’t been there for him. He was
sorry that Anderson hadn’t had someone like Roy to help him stand again. Most of all, he
was sorry for what he’d done to Rush.
When the taxi pulled up the curb, Roy helped him get into the back seat. When
Roy sat down next to him and told the taxi driver where to go, Cody leaned into Roy’s
side and took a quick breath. It had been a long time since he’d felt this safe and warm.
The world was still turning and his mouth was dry and hot, and each bump and jerk of the
taxi turned his stomach and wrecked his head. But he knew, for the first time in his life,
everything was going to be fine. An easy, comfortable feeling passed through his body
and it had nothing to do with the pills or alcohol he’d swallowed earlier. If he’d had the
energy, he would have pulled the bottle of dudes out of his pocket and tossed them right out the window, one at a time, so the traffic would crush them and they’d never hurt
anyone else again.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“I see your friend Cody left his new Broadway show and returned to Hollywood,”
Rush’s aunt said. She was reading the newspaper. Her suitcases were in the front hall
because she was leaving for Florida later that day for a month-long visit with her cousin.
Rush looked across the table and stared at the back of the paper. He hadn’t heard
from Cody or Lance since he’d moved back to New England. “Interesting,” he said.
“Does it say why he left the show?” He lifted a coffee mug and took a sip. They were in
the kitchen, at the breakfast table. It was a cold, sunny Saturday morning. There had
been a snowstorm Friday, dropping more than eight inches in his part of Connecticut. The
windowpanes were glistening, and the rooms in the old house seemed brighter than usual.
His aunt stared at the paper. She was more than seventy-five years old and didn’t
use reading glasses. “It doesn’t go into detail,” she said. “It just says he left for health
related reasons and he’s going back to California with a guy named Roy to take care of
his health.”
Rush’s eyebrows went up and his head tilted to the side. His aunt had never met
Roy or Cody and she knew nothing about their personal lives. She’d only heard Rush talk
about Cody briefly. “I see,” Rush said.
“Do you want to read it?” his aunt asked, lowering the newspaper so she could see
his face.
He smiled and stood up from the table. He kissed her on the cheek and said, “Not
right now. I’ll read it later. I want to go outside for a long walk with Dustin. I love the
cold weather and I’ve missed the snow so much.” Then he clapped his hands and a large golden lab bounced into the kitchen. When he’d moved back to New England, he’d
adopted the two-year-old lab at the local animal shelter. The dog had already had a name:
Dustin. He’d belonged to an older man who had passed away the same time Rush had
moved back East for good. From the start, Rush was amazed at how well behaved Dustin
was. He came when Rush called him, he sat by the back door when he wanted to go
outside, and he walked beside Rush without a leash, as if he were human. There were
times when Rush thought Dustin was psychic: all Rush had to do was look at him a
certain way and he understood what Rush wanted.
“Be careful outside,” his aunt said. “It looks deep.”
Rush smiled. “I will. I’m only going up the old dirt road next to the barn. I’m sure
it’s already been plowed.” The old dirt road was between his property and the farm next
door. The farmer who lived next door usually plowed it right away.
He crossed to the back door and put on a black ski jacket. Dustin was already standing in
front of the door, wagging his tail. Rush pulled a black knitted cap from the pocket and
covered his head. When he stepped outside, he put on thick black ski gloves and took a
deep breath. He looked up at the roof and smiled. The air was cold and fresh, and icicles
were already forming in the eaves. Dustin was running around in circles, making narrow,
messy paths in the smooth, even snow. Rush tapped his right thigh and said, “C’mon,
buddy. Let’s go.” Then he pointed to the barn. “This way.”
They walked around the house and headed toward the barn. The snow was deep,
but light and powdery. Everything was unusually still that morning. Rush had forgotten
how a heavy snow seemed to insulate all sound and movement. He stepped on a twig and
it cracked with a dull thud. A passing car swished by without leaving an echo. Rush felt strong. He hadn’t had a pill or a drop of alcohol since the day he’d thrown the bottle of
dudes across the room. Moving back home had given him a new sense of well being he
didn’t think he’d ever be able to obtain.
Rush had made enough money as a supermodel to live the rest of his life without
ever working again. But he still had contractual obligations to fulfill with his modeling
career, which meant he’d have to do some traveling at certain times of the year. He took
his work seriously and he didn’t want to let anyone down. Eventually, he knew he’d stop
modeling and go back to law. He’d already started doing pro bono work with a local law
firm. He was helping people with HIV/AIDS appeal their canceled disability insurance.
He’d learned that large insurance companies were targeting people with AIDS, claiming
they were not disabled, without researching each case individually and getting the facts
right. Each case he saw was different because there wasn’t enough information about
HIV/AIDS to give generalized summaries. The people Rush saw didn’t have the physical
or mental strength to do the appeals alone, and they needed their disability insurance to
survive.
For the first time in his life, Rush felt as if he were making a real difference in the
world. He’d been lucky in many ways, and he wanted to start giving back some of the
things he’d been given. But more than that, when he went to bed at night, he didn’t need
dudes or anything else to fall asleep.
When he reached the dirt road, he tapped his thigh and called Dustin to his side.
Dustin was behind him, digging for something in the snow, but he didn’t pay attention
this time, which wasn’t like him. He stood in the middle of the dirt road, staring down the hill, about one hundred feet from where Rush was standing. Rush tapped his side again
and shouted, “Dustin. C’mon, buddy. Let’s go.”
Dustin ignored him. He continued to stare down the hill until a tall figure
appeared in the distance—then he started to bark. But his bark was light and he was
wagging his tail as if he knew who it was. The sun was in Rush’s eyes. All he could see
was the image of a tall man wearing a black leather coat, waving his arms back and forth.
Rush took a deep breath and frowned. He had a feeling it was Harold, his old
boyfriend. Harold had been calling him since he’d moved back to New England and Rush
been making excuses so he wouldn’t have to see him. Harold was persistent, even
sending Rush suggestive texts on his cell phone. Since Rush had moved away, Harold
hadn’t become involved with anyone seriously. Now that Rush was back, he wanted to
resume their old relationship, and he was dying to get into Rush’s pants again. The fact
that Rush was a supermodel made Harold want him even more. But Rush wasn’t
interested in Harold or anyone else. He liked Harold, but he knew he’d never love him.
Rush closed his eyes and looked down at his boots. It was just like Harold to follow him
up the dirt road and corner him by surprise. This time, Rush swore, he’d be firm and tell
Harold he only wanted to be friends.
Dustin continued to bark. The man approaching Rush bent down and patted the
dog’s head a few times. When he looked up again, he called, “Your aunt told me you
were up here.”
Rush blinked twice. It wasn’t Harold following him. It was Lance Sharp. Rush squared his shoulders and started walking toward them. “What are you
doing here?” he asked, trying hard not to breathe too fast. He didn’t want Lance to think
he was excited.
“I wanted to see you,” Lance said. He walked up to him and gave him a hug.
Dustin was running around in circles, wagging his tail and yelping at Lance as if
he’d found his long-lost best friend. Rush gave the dog a knowing look and said, “Be
good. Calm down.” Lance was a stranger. Dustin should have been growling at him.
The dog went up to Lance’s side and stood still. Lance placed his palm on
Dustin’s head and said, “Don’t get mad at him. He likes me.” Lance was smiling too
