Vampire Charming (10 page)

“Would
this be a bad time to tell you that we weren’t supposed to leave the path?”  Jane
batted aside a branch with leaves that spilled down like cooked pasta.  “I
think that’s why we got away so easily.  No one else was dumb enough to come in
here.”

“You
mean no one else was
brave
enough.”

“No,
I mean
dumb
.  Tegan said these woods are dangerous.  That it’s
impossible to find your way without the trail.”

“A
Vampire can find his way through any amount of danger.”

“Can
you find your way through any amount of
trees?
  Because, that would be
awesome.”

Slade
disregarded her snarking.  As leader of their quest, it was up to him to keep
up morale.  “My Grandmother is one of the universe’s greatest warriors and
prophets.”  He announced.

Jane
did not seem inspired.  “You mean the cat lady grandma?”

“Yes. 
Granted,
Dawnyah-Zanabriah
is a shape shifter
from beyond the stars and not a biological Vampire, she fears nothing and this
aids her in her endless string of victories.  We must follow her example and
press onward.”

“Didn’t
she help exile you from your island?  If we’re following her example, the
getting
rid of you
part is what I’d like to emulate.”  Jane arched a brow.  “Hey,
what made her side with Melessa in the break-up, anyhow?  I mean aside from the
fact that everyone who’s ever met you seems to hate your guts.”

“I
do not know.”  Just thinking about Grandma Dawn’s unexpected betrayal irritated
him.  Why
had
she sided with Melessa?  The question triggered all his
secret doubts.  Slade tried hard to be a worthy king, but he always seemed to
fall short.  “And barely anyone hates my guts.”  He muttered, although he
wasn’t sure that was true.  “Most people adore me.”

“Which
is why we’re on the run from all your many admirers.”

The
woman was difficult to motivate.  Slade cast around for another was to boost
Jane’s spirits and to change the subject.  Discussing his lack of popularity
depressed him.  More importantly, dwelling on the fact that everyone else had
left him might encourage Jane to leave, too.  That was the last thing he
wanted.

“So… 
Do you happen to have any anti-Werewolf talismans on you?”  He ventured.  It
seemed like a far safer topic.

Jane
fixed him with a flat look.  “Shit.”  She deadpanned.  “They’re all in my other
wizard’s hat.”

Slade
took that as a “no.”  “You really should not leave your home without the proper
talismans, Jane.  They are as imperative as shoes and swords.”  He unfastened
his silver bracelet and held it out to her.  The treasury of the Vampire Isle
held untold riches, but this piece was the one he always wore.  It hadn’t left
his wrist in over a century.  “Here.  You will wear this.”

Jane
wrinkled her nose at the elaborate piece of jewelry.  Thick links were hammered
together, covered with engravings of dead Wolves and triumphant Vampires.  “It’s
hideous.”  She announced.

“It’s
an amulet to repel Werewolves.  It is not meant to be pretty.”  Since she
didn’t seem eager to put it on, Slade did it for her.  The massive chain was
big on her hand, but he felt a jolt of unexpected pleasure at the sight of it
on her arm.

Jane
seemed less delighted.  She glowered down at the bracelet and then at him.  “Whatever.” 
She grumbled.

…But
she didn’t take it off.

Slade
found himself smiling.  Knowing Jane Squire, she would’ve thrown the talisman
into the weeds if she didn’t secretly like his gift.  Maybe she sensed the same
thing Slade did:  The bracelet belonged to her.  In an odd way, he felt as if
he’d been wearing it for so long because he’d been waiting for this moment. 
Waiting to give it to her.  Waiting
for
her.

“That
bracelet was given to me by the Merpeople of the Hidden Lake.”  He said
proudly.

“Merepeople
of the Hidden Lake?”  She echoed.  “Jesus.  Your autobiography must read like a
NeverEnding Story
fan-fic.  Especially, the
never ending
part.”

Slade
wasn’t sure what that meant, but he doubted it was a compliment.  “My epic tale
is all true.”  He insisted, seeing her doubt.  “The Merpeople are an enchanted
race.  Few ever look upon them, but they
do
exist.”

“If
you say so.”

“I
do
say so.  You see, I had defeated a legion of monstrous bats, which
had been sweeping in and picking off their young.  The Merpeople bestowed that
amulet upon me as a symbol of their thanks.”  He paused.  “They also offered me
my choice of their most beautiful women as my bride.”

“How
thoughtful.”

“Of
course, I turned them down.  I was awaiting my Eternal-One.  Not even a topless
Mermaid could tempt me to marry another.”  He grunted at how stupid he’d been. 
“Had I known Melessa was the destined bride awaiting me, I surely would have
accepted the comely Mermaid and enjoyed her underwater agility.”

“Look,
I’m sobering up and it’s hurting my head to listen to your weird stories, so…”

Something
moved in the thick brush beside them, cutting her off.  Before Slade could call
warning to Jane, they were surrounded by a dozen warriors in green camouflage. 
Not that a warning much mattered.  Armed with wooden spears and slingshots,
they weren’t a particularly intimidating force.

“What
the hell is this now?”  Jane demanded.  “Frigging Ewoks?”

“Are
you free citizens of this land or slaves to that bastard Fang?”  One of the men
demanded, waving his homemade weapon around like a flyswatter.

“Surrender
or die!”  Another one squawked in a voice that would’ve been more threatening
if it was three octaves deeper and not shaking in terror.

Jane
rolled her eyes towards the heavens.  “Tell me these twerps aren’t the rebels.”

Slade
smiled over at her.  “Splendid news, Jane.  We’ve found my army.”

BACKGROUND NOTES ON THE REBELS’ MOTIVATIONS

The
rebels are motivated by various stuff.  Probably.  And other stuff.  And lots
of assorted whatever.

Seriously,
this part is a waste of time.

These
nobodies probably want
something
, but does anybody really care about
what it is?  They’re just supposed to be the dead bodies on the battlefield
that Fang steps over to show us what a badass he is.  It’s not like they
actually matter.  In fact, we should probably just skip all their whining and do
this whole next part as a training montage.

Or
a musical number!

Redrafted Film Script- “From Here to Infinia”

Apparently,
From Here to Infinia
had some kind of “innovative soundtrack” thing
going on.  A minstrel-y version of
We’re Not Gonna Take It
blared as
Slade and Jane were led into the rebel village.  Even
Dracula, Ph.D.
had
more dignity than this crappy film.  Also, the plot made more sense.  And the
sets were better.

The
rebels’ secret forest hideout looked exactly like filmdom’s secret forest
hideouts
always
looked.  Lots of little huts with straw roofs and wooden
walkways spanning the trees. 
From Here to Infinia
had plagiarized the
backlot from every Robin Hood movie ever made.  And --of course-- the
second-rate Merry Men clones populating the unimaginative village were dirty,
supernatural looking, and liked jabbing pointy sticks at Slade and Jane.

It
was seriously pissing her off.

The
Vampire genius beside her didn’t seem to notice that anything was amiss.  Slade
smiled broadly, walking through the village like he owned every tree.  Probably
because he thought he
did
.  “Greetings, peasants.”  He stopped in the
center of Jungleville and looked around.  “Be at ease.  I have come to lead
you.”

That
was sure to win them over.

“We
have no leader here.”  One brave soul piped up.  “Not yet, anyway.”

It
was hard to tell which of the rebels was talking.  Extras were always pretty
faceless.  Jane knew that firsthand.  She’d been an Under-Five most of her
career.  For some reason the lack of respect for her fellow day players suddenly
annoyed her.  Couldn’t
From Here to Infinia
at least focus on the kid
talking?  Didn’t everyone deserve some of the spotlight?

“We
are awaiting someone strong enough to take charge of our glorious mission to
defeat Fang.”  Some other random villager added.  Or possibly it was the same guy. 
It was impossible to be sure.  “
He
will be our leader.”

“Well,
your long wait is over.”  Prince Valiant assured the huddled mass of nonspeaking
parts.  “I have arrived.”  He posed with his hands heroically planted on his
hips.  “I am Slade, King of the Vampires and this is my second-in-command, Jane
Squire.  We shall guide you to victory.”

Jane
rolled her eyes as the rebels all turned to look at her.  “Hi, how are ya?” 
She muttered and leaned closer to Slade.  “We have to get out of here before
they eat us or something.”  She whispered fiercely.  “I think that kid over
there was in
Deliverance
.  Trust me,
From Here to Infinia
is bad
enough.  You
don’t
want to wander into
Deliverance
.”

Banjo
kid smirked at her.

“Worry
not, Jane.”  Slade surveyed the rebels with the same confidence the captain of
the
Titanic
must have felt just before that iceberg attacked.  “I know
how to inspire troops.”

“Oh
obviously.  That’s why you’re still ruling the Vampire Isle.”

He
slanted her an irritated look.

Jane
almost smiled.  It was probably the horror of the situation affecting her mind,
but Slade was cute when he glowered.  Hell, he was
always
cute.  If she was
stuck in this Alan Smithee nightmare at least she had someone pretty to look at. 
Someone who wasn’t
that
horrible to be around, all things considered.

Jane
was a loner by nature, but Slade’s presence wasn’t
quite
as suffocating
as she would’ve thought.  Even when he was irritating her, he was still kind of
amusing.  And it was nice to have somebody to talk to, for a change.

Sometimes,
her life got a
little
lonely.  Jane could admit that.  Being independent
was safer, but it meant she lived with a lot of silence.  There was no such
thing as silence when Slade was around.  In fact, Jane hadn’t felt lonely even
once since she’d met the King of the Vampires.  He was always very, very
there
. 
Talking, and smiling, and taking up space with his shininess.

And
she’d
never
had anyone
pay so much attention to her before.  Not
ever.  At first, she’d assumed Slade watched
everybody
with the same
level of interest he aimed at her, but… he didn’t.  The longer she was with
him, the more Jane saw that it was just
her
he focused on with an
off-the-scales amount of glowing blue concentration.  Like she was
important
to him.  It was sort of disconcerting.  Jane wasn’t used to that kind of
intensity being aimed her way.  She was supposed to be a background character
and Slade was born to be the star.  Didn’t he understand that?

“How
do we know he’s not spy for the Werewolf?”  A token woman rebel demanded. 
Every fantasy movie needed some poor girl dressed in a fur bikini, after all. 
“Fang will stop at nothing to crush us.  We all know that.  I stood against him
and he killed my parents in retaliation.  He kills the bakers who smuggle us
bread and the barkeeps who sent us mead.  He even kills the priests who bury
the victims he slaughters.  Would he stop at sending a Vampire into our midst?”

“He
refused to let my fiancée marry me.”  Someone else called.  “Instead, he took
her for himself and then threw her from roof of the Obsidian Fortress when she
resisted.”

“Fang
burned my house down, with all my children inside.”  Another man agreed.  “He
locked the door and lit the match, with a smile on his face.  His men held me
back as my babies screamed for me.”

Holy
shit
.

Jane
looked around as more rebels shouted out their Werewolf horror stories.  Tears
and anger and terrible blank expressions filled the crowd.  As ridiculous as
From
Here to Infinia
was, the people here actually felt the suffering Fang
inflicted on them.  Their anguish was genuine.

For
the first time, Jane realized that this place was
real
.  It wasn’t just
a film.  Fang was actually torturing people. 
Real
people.  And he was
so powerful that no one in this whole kingdom could stop him.

Except…

Her
gaze very slowly traveled over to Slade.  Back in reality, the idea of a hero
was complete bullshit.  She believed that with every pragmatic bone in her body. 
But, when she looked at this big, shiny Vampire, it was very hard to remember that
logic even existed.