Wait for Me (16 page)

As my vision re-focused, I saw Adam lift the whip. I instinctively closed my eyes. More pain. More pleasure. He let go of my hair.

He spread my butt cheeks again and thrust with all the weight of his body, pushing as deeply as he could.

“I want to fill this beautiful ass.”

At that point – at that specific phrase – the memory of my straining sphincter, and evacuating the club under the gaze of ridiculing strangers, destroyed my arousal.

I felt alone, removed from Adam's orgasm. He moans of pleasure made me deeply uncomfortable. He collapsed beside me. For a moment I saw his eyes, but preferred to close mine again. After a few seconds, he released my wrists, ankles and took the gag out of my mouth.

For fear that I might start crying, I could not find the courage to open my eyes. I felt hollow.

Adam held me tenderly, shifting our bodies to the middle of the bed. He kissed my face and caressed me, but I wasn't really there. He realized this and his touch grew frosty.

“What's wrong, Sophie?” he asked, with a broken voice.

I found the strength to turn and meet his eyes. All I could say was: “Adam, I want to go home now.” He helped me to my feet and I grabbed my dress, for a thread of modesty. I threw it on quickly to hide myself.

“Do you want to go to the bathroom?” he asked.

I shook my head and reached for the exit, disoriented.

“Sophie, wait… the mask.”

Ah yes, the mask. I glued it to my face and felt a stroke of relief – veiled from everybody, including him.

We passed back through the orgy room. Seeing them now, it was more like looking at a bleating herd of sheep. In the entrance lobby, Adam helped me into the coat. He took my mask off and his tongue was twisting in my mouth. I felt vacant in his arms.

Catatonic, I received his affection. His words were garbled and unintelligible. He was holding my face in his hands, and his eyes had never been so close to mine. He seemed upset. I didn't care. I wanted to retreat to my hovel. In that spectacle, he had been the only real participant. I had merely been a body – a shell.

“I want to go home,” I repeated, struggling to speak.

When he pulled into the car park, I got out and walked mechanically to my brother's office. I quickly opened the door and turned around to find that Adam was still there, a few feet away. He looked lost, possibly sad. I still didn't care.

“Good night then,” he said.

And good night, someone replied, before disappearing behind the door, sinking under the blankets and sobbing quietly. Luckily, sleep was waiting.

The following day, I couldn't stand another second in that oppressive room. It was time to get out and get my life in order.

Objective number one: find a part-time job.

I took the only free seat at the café and started browsing through various ad sites, looking for anything that might suit my limited skill set. I was fully absorbed in my scrolling hunt, only vaguely aware of Ben taking orders in the background.

Then, after yet another “the usual?”, I heard a well-known voice.

“Please,” it responded.

I hoped that he hadn't seen me, or that he would at least have the courtesy to ignore me. On the contrary—

“Hello Sophie.”

I barely raised my head.

“Job hunting?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I replied, without looking at him.

“What sector?”

“Any,” I mumbled.

Luckily, Ben came to my rescue.

“Here's your coffee – that'll be three dollars.”

“Thank you, keep the change.”

“By the way, Sophie, the comic book store is advertising for an assistant, you should go talk to the owner,” Ben said naively. He imagined little and knew even less.

“That's not really what I had in mind,” I muttered.

“Whatever you say,” and returned to his customers.

“Can we talk? Outside maybe?” Adam asked.

And finally I looked at him, or rather, stared at the starched collar of his two hundred dollar shirt.

“Adam… I saw it, I tried it, I understood it. It's just not for me. I'm sorry I wasted your time.”

I saw his chest fill with air and then slowly release it.

“Alright then,” he said. And just like that he left.

After that moment of distress, I saw an advert by Barnes & Noble. They were looking for a gift wrapper and it was right in the heart of the city. I called immediately.

The operator told me that the job would be during the afternoons, from 3 until 8 p.m., on a fixed rate of one thousand dollars per month. I secured an interview for that very morning and rushed across the city. On the subway, I thought about the thousand dollars. It was all I needed right now. Suddenly, my cell phone started ringing. It was Adam. I switched it to silent mode.

At the interview, I met the girl who would soon become my best friend – Sabrina. She was tall and curvy, with cropped hair and a lot of ear piercings. I counted at least twelve. After a short conversation she asked about my ‘future plans'. I answered ‘survival'. I got the job.

My fatalism had somehow given me the edge over three other candidates. The next day I began my trial period.

Elated, I went to share the news with Fred. He was in his office reading a brochure on wedding catering, which he tried to hide as I appeared. I didn't mention it, but with a baby on the way his third marriage was inevitable.

“What's gotten into you?” he asked suspiciously.

“I found a job,” I said directly.

“In what sense?”

“In the sense that I found a job at Barnes & Noble.”

“What about college?” he asked.

“It won't get in the way – the job is from three until eight, so I have the mornings to go to lectures and study.”

“I'm really happy to hear that Sophie, and don't worry about the cameras at night,” he said.

“Fred, about that… I was thinking of going to stay with Mom for a while.”

“Sorry?” he said, aghast.

“Yeah, back to Mom's. If I live with her then I'll
have
to look for my own place.”

“I know you don't like living here, but really, Mom's place? Sophie, you won't last more than a week.”

“If that,” I laughed. “But it's better this way, you'll see.”

“You can stay here whilst you look for an apartment.”

“No, I think I need a change of scenery.”

He stood up, with a look of pleasant surprise. “Well I didn't see this coming, but I'm really happy for you Sophie, and I'm sure it'll all work out. But, you know that you can come back whenever you want.”

I dived into his arms. “You've done too much for me already. You worry about your next wedding.”

He laughed and smacked his hand against his head. “You saw the brochure?”

“I did.”

“Well, I've been thinking about it for a while now. I went to look at a ring yesterday. I've only paid the deposit so far, but I don't know… am I doing something stupid?”

“Are you kidding Fred? Miranda is the sweetest, and she's giving you the most beautiful gift of your life – of course you're going to marry her!”

“Yeah, I am. I'm going to marry Miranda. I guess I always knew that I would, from the very first day.”

I sighed internally, and naturally thought about the theory of Bob – a man is either in or out and nothing will change his mind.

I left Fred on the phone to a catering company and returned to my room. I had ten missed calls from Adam and a message.

I looked at the dresses, now draped over the chair. I felt vulnerable before them, as I did when I thought about him. It wasn't really his fault, or maybe it was. I had been so disconnected, so completely consumed by panic,that a mixture of emotions had evolved. I abandoned myself to him. I accepted the rules of that sick game, even though I knew it would mean facing my past. I placed the clothes in a bag and took them to the dry cleaner's, asking the owner to wash and deliver them to Adam as soon as possible. Then I threw some of my own clothes into a bag and went straight to my mother's. On my old single bed, in the room that was unchanged since my teenage years, I ticked off the first item on my list. I felt a sense of calm.

The following afternoon, I was ready and eager for my first day at work, and I honestly had fun. Sabrina explained a few tricks and shortcuts: which paper to choose depending on the amount of books and the fact that the bag with a bow was perfect for busy moments. For the ribbon, I could always use the silver one, as it matched every color, ‘never let the customer choose'. At the end of the trial week, I was officially hired. To celebrate, Sabrina invited me over for dinner.

I met her girlfriend, Steph. They had been together for two years and lived in an apartment on the East side. Or rather, a studio that was crammed into a generous two hundred square feet space.

They had met at the gift counter of the bookstore. Steph was buying a manual on how to survive love and getting it wrapped to avoid the embarrassment of buying it for herself. Sabrina was entirely unconvinced and made no secret of the fact. Steph fell for her immediately. She came back three times, selecting books at random and asking for Sabrina's opinion, as she was an avid reader of almost every genre. When they discovered that they went to the same bars, they started going out together… and thus it began.

The question “What about you?” made me want to put my face in my food.

“Me?” I vaguely mumbled something about being busy with college.

“Any men?” Steph asked.

I lost my words.

“Fucking hell Sophie, you look like I just shot your cat.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I bet. No men though, currently trying to forget a few assholes.”

“Any women?” Sabrina asked.

“Nah, not for me. I had a couple of experiences, but let's just say I prefer a good package.” As I said this, I had a flashback of Adam pounding my anus.

“That's too bad. We have a ton of friends we could introduce you to, but most of them are women.”

“It's just as well, I have a whole list of objectives to work though and men are at the very bottom of that list.”

When I finally got home, I found my mother still up waiting for me. Her nocturnal lecture gave me a little more incentive to find a place of my own.

The only option that wouldn't leave me starving was a shared student house. I tore a few fliers from the college bulletin board and arranged a few viewings. Trekking from slum to slum was disheartening. Besides a few uninhabitable dives, most places were essentially offering a couch, or at most, a camp bed in the hallway. I was already starting to consider moving back to the parking lot, but then I would have to see him again.

Then Sabrina made a proposal. She and Steph had found a place in the Bronx – a one bedroom apartment with a decent kitchen and a large living area. According to her, the area was big enough to install a divider and create a second bedroom. The total rent was $2000 per month. Divided by three it worked out at around $650 each.

“That's too much for me,” I said immediately.

“I know, but we were thinking that you could pay $400 and we'll cover the rest, considering that we'd have the bedroom and you'd have a sort of… cubicle.”

I didn't even hesitate.

Within a week we were in the new place. My brother let me take the furniture from the parking lot and he set Gustav to work on making a plasterboard dividing wall.

The result was a small room, but it gave me privacy, and more importantly, independence.

My life gradually fell into a new rhythm: wake up, eat breakfast, study, go to work, eat some more, sleep, interspersed by the occasional night out with Sabrina and Steph, and ‘Pizza Sundays' with Ester and Ben, who were now worlds away in Jersey. And yet, he was always etched into my mind. Even so, not seeing him, nor his car, nor the lights of his apartment, was something of a relief. Without him, I felt like I could breathe, but deep down there was a wearing torment. It was a perennial longing that would manifest every time I saw the affection between Sabrina and Steph; every time I saw a trashy rom com; every time I saw an advert with an impossibly happy family eating cereal together.

One afternoon, I found myself in front of ten books on the wrapping counter. He stood behind them.

“I'd like each of them gift wrapped please,” he said.

My body instinctively stiffened. I looked at him, losing myself in those disarming, devastating eyes.

Unfortunately, Sabrina was in the stockroom replenishing boxes and it would take her an eternity. With no alternative, I started the task.

I put a sticker over the price tag of the first book. It was another novel about a fallen angel or something – the current flavor of the month. I withheld my despair.

“Any preference on the paper?” I asked resolutely.

“A different color for each one please.”

“We only have four kinds.”

“Then you can alternate.”

I took the blue paper and cut a rectangle, folded it around the book, tore a piece of tape and attached the edges.

“Are you settled into your new place?” he asked.

I nodded and turned the book onto its side, fixing the remaining edges into place and applying more tape. I glanced at the clock out of the corner of my eye. Sabrina had been gone for a least a quarter of an hour. God damn you, I thought.

“Your brother told me it's very nice.”

“It is.”

Why couldn't my brother mind his own business? Why were they even talking about me?

“Shit!” Sabrina began as she re-appeared. “It's chaos down there, the rain last night totally—” Her ranting tailed off as she noticed the customer.

“Ah, good afternoon,” she said.