Waiting for You (18 page)

But if she did that, she’d regret it. She’d fall into her pathetic fantasy world again, and mistake his sense of responsibility for something deeper. And she wouldn’t do that to herself again. She wouldn’t waste time hoping desperately for a love that Jake was never going to feel for her.

When she didn’t say anything, Jake went on. “Haven’t you seen Rick and Allison together? Are you telling me he doesn’t give her special treatment?”

He couldn’t have picked a worse example. It was a reminder of exactly the kind of love she wanted and would never have.

“Yes, I’ve seen them together,” she snapped. “But our situation is completely different from theirs. You and I are—”

“If that’s what’s bothering you, don’t worry. Of course I’m going to marry you.”

He said it confidently, reassuringly, like a mechanic telling her,
Of course I can fix your transmission.
She stared at him for a minute, and then she covered her face with her hands. “And here it is,” she muttered. “Right on schedule.”

“What’s right on schedule?”

She let her hands drop to her sides. “Your pity proposal. Do you really think that’s what I want? That’s the
last
thing I want.”

He frowned. “You’re saying you don’t want to get married?”

She sighed. “Yes, Jake, that’s what I’m saying. I don’t want a shotgun wedding. I don’t want any kind of wedding. I don’t want us to pretend to be something we’re not. Okay?”

His eyebrows drew close together and his eyes glinted, a clear indication that he was about to argue with her. She braced herself, but then his forehead smoothed out again. “We don’t have to decide right now,” he said.

She scowled and started to tell him that it was already decided, thank you very much, but she was distracted by a familiar flutter of movement, like popcorn popping. She pressed a hand to her stomach.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Jake was frowning in concern.

“Yes, I’m fine. The baby’s kicking.”

Jake’s eyes flashed to her stomach, and then back up at her. “Could I…?”

She swallowed. As much as she had wished over the past few months that she had someone to share this experience with, now that Jake was looking at her like that, she wasn’t sure she was ready.

But she couldn’t say no—not when Jake had that eager look in his eyes. So she nodded, and he drew his chair closer, waiting for her to guide him. She took his wrist and placed his hand on her belly, over the spot she’d last felt the movement.

She was wearing a thick cotton sweatshirt, but the way her body reacted to his touch, she might as well be naked. A little thrill coursed through her, and she was reminded of one of the more inconvenient side-effects of pregnancy.

At a time in her life when she’d never felt more unattractive, she’d also never felt so lustful…and that was even before the sexiest man she’d ever known—who also happened to be the father of her baby—had come back into her life. Now, as she watched Jake staring at her stomach with a rapt, expectant look on his face, she found herself replaying the night that had led to this.

She felt another kick, this one even stronger.

“Oh, wow,” he whispered.

“You felt it?”

“Yeah. Yeah. I didn’t realize…” He shook his head, as if giving up the effort to put his thoughts into words.

He looked up at her, his hand still on her body. She held her breath.

Then he pulled away abruptly and went back to his seat.

“Thanks,” he said, pouring himself another cup of coffee. “That was really something.”

She nodded, trying not to miss the sensation of Jake’s strong, protective hand pressed against her. “I know what you mean. It makes it all real, doesn’t it? The day I felt my first kick was the day I went out and started buying things for the nursery.”

He frowned. “I wish I’d been here to help with that. You weren’t moving furniture or anything, were you?”

She shook her head. “The store delivered everything and the guys carried it upstairs. They even put the crib together for me.”

She saw the hurt in his eyes, and as clearly as if he’d said it out loud, she knew he was thinking that putting the crib together was a father’s job.

It was one more thing he’d missed out on, because of her. She felt a wave of guilt. “Do you want to see it?” she asked quickly.

“The nursery? Yeah, of course.”

A few minutes later she was opening the door to the little room upstairs, and Jake crossed the threshold. As she watched him look around at everything, at the soft rose color she’d painted the walls and the lace curtains she’d hung at the windows, it occurred to her that she hadn’t actually mentioned the—

He turned to look at her. “There’s a lot of pink in this room.”

She nodded, watching him. “Are you not a fan of pink?” she asked carefully. Would he be disappointed it wasn’t a boy?

He took a step towards her. “I love pink. I’m crazy about pink. Are we having a girl?”

Maybe it was hearing him say
we.
Or maybe it was the sight of this big, powerful man surrounded by ruffles and teddy bears. Whatever the reason, her voice shook a little when she said, “Yes, it’s a girl.”

She’d barely gotten the words out before he was there, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight.

It felt so good she couldn’t pull away. She let her head fall forward to rest against his broad chest, and for just a minute let herself feel surrounded and supported by his quiet strength. Then she took a deep breath and straightened up, and he let her go immediately.

“We’re having a girl,” he said grinning at her. “Now, what about the really important question?”

“Which is…?”

“When we’re going to tell my parents. I can call them before we go over there tomorrow, or we can tell them together in person. What do you feel more comfortable with?”

A sudden clutch of anxiety made her grab the edge of the crib. “Go over there? Why would we go over there?”

“For Thanksgiving dinner, among other things.”

She shook her head vigorously. “I can’t face your parents. You can tell them whenever you want, but I can’t see them.”

He raised an eyebrow. “What are you worried about?”

“Are you kidding? I’ve always been so close to your mom, and when I got pregnant with your baby I didn’t even tell her.”

“You didn’t tell me, either.”

“Yes, and won’t that go over well. She’ll never look at me the same way again. She’ll think I—”

“She’ll think you’re wonderful,” Jake interrupted. “Just like she always has. And she’ll be thrilled that she’s going to have a granddaughter. And she’ll worry and fuss and offer to help until you’re ready to strangle her, but there’s nothing I can do about that.”

Irene had always been more of a mother to her than her own ever had. A sudden wave of longing came over her, a longing for the knowledge Jake and Jenna and Allison had always taken for granted: that their parents would be there for them no matter what.

Erin had never known that feeling. Her mother had been out of the picture for years, and her father hadn’t exactly been a font of unconditional love and support.

She’d been avoiding Joe and Irene ever since she started showing, and she realized now how much she’d missed them. “Do you really think they’ll be okay with this?”

“Of course they will. They’ll be over the moon.”

“And they won’t care that we’re not getting married?”

The look in his eyes told her he had more to say on that subject in the future, but all he said now was, “They’ll respect whatever decision we make.”

Before Jake had shown up on her doorstep last night, her plans for Thanksgiving had consisted of a frozen turkey pot pie and the Macy’s parade. Now she thought about sitting down to roast turkey and stuffing and potatoes and gravy at the table where she’d known so many happy memories, and the image was too appealing to resist.

“Okay, we’ll go. But I definitely think you should call and tell them first. That way, if they feel uncomfortable or anything, I don’t have to—”

“Will you cut that out? They’re not going to be uncomfortable. But if it makes you feel better, I’m happy to call and tell them ahead of time. In fact, I’ll do it right now.”

Erin backed away hastily. “Not while I’m here. I don’t want to hear you talking to them about this. Wait until I’m downstairs, okay?”

“You’re cute when you’re being ridiculous. Did you know that?”

“An insult wrapped in a compliment. Nice.”

He grinned at her. “It’s more like a compliment wrapped in an insult.” He flipped open his phone and hit his parents’ speed dial. “It’s ringing, so you’d better move fast. Or at least waddle fast.”

“I do not waddle! I have weeks to go before I waddle.” She stuck her tongue out at him before she hightailed it out of the room, and she realized as she hurried down the stairs that she was smiling.

Maybe it wouldn’t be as hard to be friends with Jake as she thought.

Then she came into the living room. Jake had tossed his jacket over the back of the couch, and Erin walked over and picked it up, pressing it to her face and breathing deep.

The scent of Jake.

Okay, so it was going to be every bit as hard as she’d thought. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t do it.

She had to do it. Because if she didn’t, she’d lose her heart.

And her heart belonged to someone else now.

For the sake of their daughter, she’d forge a friendship with Jake. A good, safe, predictable friendship. Something that wouldn’t turn her inside out and make her dream of impossible things.

Her days of dreaming about Jake were over. She had new dreams now: dreams of raising a healthy, happy child and being the best mother she could.

Dreams that at least had a chance of coming true.

Chapter Twelve

Jake had always loved his family. Even during the hard months last year when they were driving him crazy, he’d realized on some level how lucky he was.

But he’d never loved them more than he did today.

His parents welcomed Erin with open arms, telling her how happy they were about the baby and then just pulling her into the family circle like they’d been doing for years. Five minutes after they arrived Erin was in the kitchen with Irene, helping to make gravy.

He went into the living room and found himself alone with his dad.

“How are you holding up?” Joe asked him, offering him a beer.

“Me? I’m fine. Erin’s the one who’s pregnant.”

Joe smiled. “Yeah, I know that. But it’s not every day a man finds out he’s going to be a father.”

His tone was light, but there was seriousness behind it.

“I had a pretty good role model,” Jake said. “And I figure you’ll help me out if it looks like I’m screwing up.”

His father clapped him on the shoulder, and the two of them turned their attention to the football game. But when Allison and Rick came into the room a few minutes later, Jake wandered back into the kitchen, where Erin was.

He didn’t know he was hovering until his mother gave him a look. “Do you mind giving us a little room? Or you can make yourself useful and mash the turnips.”

He decided to mash turnips. The truth was, he felt more comfortable when he was in the same room with Erin. Thinking about all those months she’d fended for herself made him want to stay by her side every second. He wanted to guard her, protect her, feed her and keep her warm.

All things she could do for herself, as she would tell him in no uncertain terms. Intellectually, he knew it was true. Erin was one of the most capable women he’d ever met. But on a much more basic level, his need to care for her and keep her from harm was the most powerful instinct he’d ever felt.

He only hoped he had it under control by Monday, when he was due back at the garage. He was pretty sure Erin wouldn’t agree to come to work with him every day—and the garage wasn’t the best environment for a pregnant woman, anyway.

Erin laughed at something his mother said, and Jake turned his head to look at her.

Maybe it was part of the same primitive instinct that had taken possession of him, but he’d never seen a woman look as beautiful as Erin did right now. The pregnancy had made her entire body more voluptuous—her arms and her hips were rounder, and her breasts were at least a cup size bigger.

The only thing about her appearance he didn’t like were the smudges under her eyes. He’d even called Allison that morning, to ask if it was normal for a pregnant woman to have those dark circles. His sister had assured him that it was perfectly normal and that she’d looked like a raccoon for most of her pregnancy, but he still worried that Erin wasn’t getting enough rest, that dealing with everything by herself had taken too big a toll on her.

He took a deep breath. He couldn’t go back and change the last six months, but he could make damn sure that Erin got everything she needed from here on out.

Including a husband.

When he’d told Irene he’d asked Erin to marry him and that she’d turned him down, he’d expected her to say something maternal and encouraging. Instead, she’d gone quiet—until finally Jake had asked her point blank if she thought Erin would give in eventually.

“I don’t know,” Irene had said thoughtfully. “Erin’s not easy to read. She’s so practical and competent, and of course as independent as they come, but I think she’s got a hidden romantic side, too.”

“And that means what, exactly?”

“It means she’d never marry someone just so he could take care of her—because she’s fully capable of taking care of herself. And she’d never marry someone who doesn’t love her.”

Jake remembered his mother’s words now as he looked at Erin, and a thread of panic tightened in his chest.

He gripped the edges of the counter and took a deep breath. He did it just like Mitch had taught him, breathing in deeply through his nose—first filling the top part of his chest, and then feeling his ribcage expand as far as it could go, until his lungs were full. He held his breath for five seconds and then let it out slowly.

Then he did it again.

By the third breath he felt calm again, in control.