Walk Beside Me (Walk Series)

Walk Beside Me

HJ Bellus

Walk Beside Me

Copyright © 2014 by HJ Bellus.

Cover Designer: Red Bird Designs & HJ Bellus

Formatting: JRA Stevens

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Thank you for respecting the hard work of HJ Bellus.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to locales, events, business establishments, or actual persons—living or dead—is entirely coincidental.

To all those who have fought to make a dream a reality and now believe in fairytales.

Love,

-The Hopeless Romantic-

Scarlett’s yell has startled the whole crowd leaving all their eyes staring at me. At almost seven months pregnant, my hands aren’t enough to cover my baby bump. Not even Tommie knows I’m expecting. I never had the heart to break the news to her on the phone. She was way too excited for the birth of her own baby, and if she found out about me, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she’d hunt me down and make me go back.

My eyes roam over Finn in a quick fashion, but I don’t stop long because right now I can’t handle eye contact with him. I don’t even want to begin to understand the pain he’s facing with the loss of his granddaddy. They were closer than two people I’ve ever met. Instead of making eye contact with him, my eyes magnetize to Kara.

She’s glancing at me over her shoulder and doesn’t look impressed. Her body shifts closer to Finn. I watch in horror as she wraps her arm around his stomach. Her back is still to me, but Finn is facing my direction, and I can feel his eyes boring holes straight through me. Kara lays her head on Finn’s shoulder and I almost lose it.

Tommie runs up to me with Will behind. They both have huge smiles on their faces, however, their questioning stare is not lost on me.

“Um, you are pregnant?!”

I’m not sure if Will is asking a question or making a statement. I can’t see his face because Tommie has me wrapped up in a hug. Our two bellies make it hard to hug.

“You’re huge,” Tommie declares as she pulls away.

“Gee, thanks,” I mumble.

But in all seriousness, my stomach is about three times the size of Tommie’s and she’s due anytime where I have at least a good eight weeks left. My breath hitches, and I’m struck with an immediate pain. The pain is so severe I clutch to my stomach, bending over trying to catch my breath.

“Tess, are you okay?”

“Tess,” I hear Tommie shout.

I shake my head side-to-side and finally I’m able to stand straight up.

“I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I think I’m just fine,” I finally say staring straight ahead at Kara.

The clear protrusion of Kara’s belly knocked all the wind out of me in one fell swoop. She’s pregnant. Kara is pregnant and hanging all over Finn. I finally make eye contact with him and just as I thought he’s downright glaring at me. However, he has no problem with Kara touching and groping at him.

I came back to town for two things. To pay respects to Granddaddy and to be here for the birth of my nephew or niece then I’m leaving. Finn’s dad made it crystal clear that I wasn’t welcome here and by the looks of it he got his way. Finn is with Kara and they are expecting. His threatening letter has been on repeat in my mind since leaving. I couldn’t let a monster like him ruin everything for Will and Tommie. I just couldn’t no matter how much I do love Finn.

For nights on end, I’ve fantasized about his hands rubbing down my belly and feet. I just know he’d do everything for his baby and me. Everything. But I let his dad win and over the next week I have to remind myself of the two reasons I came back for and he’s not one of them.

“Are you going in?” Scarlett’s face is covered in pure contentment even in this time of grief. I know she’s found her place in life with Wes.

I simply nod my head up and down. Granddaddy made my summer the best it could be. My happiest times were on his ranch with Finn. Those are memories I plan on never letting go.

As we walk into the foyer of the church I spot Finn’s dad. The look on his face is a murderous one. It makes me rethink my decision about returning.

“Don’t.” Will’s voice is soothing as he grasps my elbow leading me along the narrow corridor. “He will not control you any longer, Tessa.”

The main section of the church is simply stunning decorated in an old west theme with bits of Granddaddy peppered everywhere. It’s when my eyes met the large portrait of him that I lose it. For some odd reason even though I knew he wasn’t there I still expected to pull up to the ranch and see him rocking in his rocker with that smile on his face. Instead, his portrait lies before me, and that’s when I finally begin to cry. The tears are almost unbearable. I didn’t come prepared for any of this. Like a fool, I thought I could come to town do two jobs and leave. Now I sit here hit with a flood of emotions.

“Here you go, sweetie.” A petite silver haired woman handed me a tissue.

My emotions and tears are so out of control I’m unable to respond to her. My hand simply grabs the small white stack and puts them to good use. An old western song begins to play in the background and a light chuckle fills the church. It’s not what typical grieving friends and family at a funeral would expect.

The whole crowd stands when it starts to play, so I follow suit. Standing at the end of the row, I have a perfect clear view from the front of the church to the back of it. I easily spot Kara and Finn’s dad sitting in the front row. Wes and Scarlett are opposite them in the front with a few other recognizable family members. But my eyes flash back to Kara and Finn’s dad and the empty spot between them. Finn will sit with them and be consoled by Kara with his hand on their baby. With my wild mix of emotions and that thought swirling around in me it’s almost enough to make me puke.

Movement catches my attention, and I focus to the back of the church. A stunning rich mahogany casket floats through the air. Instantly I recognize Finn in the lead at the front. The devastated look and weird combination of pride covering his face is my final undoing. No longer can I handle any of the pressure or even fake an ounce of strength. Just one glimpse of him in this moment breaks every single piece of me that I had thought I glued so masterfully back together.

My knees are first to buckle then my legs begin to quiver and everything begins to spin faster and faster. Visions of Finn’s haunted face, Granddaddy Jimmy on his porch rocking back and forth, memories from the pond, and the smell of Finn’s room all swirl around in my mind until I can’t pick one from the other. It’s just one big ball of confusion and that’s when I feel my neck give out all support. My head feels heavy and I can’t bear to even hold it up any longer.

“Tess, sit down.”

“Grab her, Will.”

I feel strong arms guide me down. I can’t tell where I am or what I’m even sitting on I just know that strong arms are guiding me down.

“Tess.” A cool wet cloth splatters on my face. The water is refreshing and brings me back to my senses very slowly. “Tess.”

Peeling open my eyes, I notice Will first since he’s right in my face. Tommie is peeking the best she can over his shoulder.

My voice cracks as I try to talk. “What happened?”

“You passed out.” Will’s face is covered in concern with his brows furrowed. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I try to straighten my posture on the wooden bench and still find my head is slightly dizzy.

“Switch spots with me.” Within in a moment, Tommie has me wrapped up in her arms, and I let my head rest down on her Robin’s Egg lacy dress.

“Thank you,” I whisper then focus my eyes back up to the front of the church. My eyes immediately focus back onto Finn. I’m shocked to find that he’s actually turned watching me with concern covering his face. I can’t force my eyes to pry from his. It’s been months without the love of my life and all I want to do is stare at him.

Whispering so Tommie can only hear me, I ask her a question, “Did he see that?”

“Yes, he tried to walk back here but his dad grabbed his arm.”

A group of women begin to sing “Amazing Grace”. I sink even further into Tommie’s arms as I stare at Finn. He’s still making full eye contact with me. I allow the words of the song to sink deep in my soul and realize for the first time how big of a mistake I made by leaving.
Why didn’t I go to Granddaddy’s house and ask for help? Why didn’t I go to Finn? Why didn’t I make him run away with me?

I let my tears flow as each word of the beautiful song pulls emotions from my body.

“I love him, Tommie.”

I’m not sure if she even hears the words, but I do and that’s all that matters. I love Finn beyond a shadow of a doubt. Seeing him in this state is a shot to the gut. How did I live without him for the past six months?

I study him as he makes his way up to the microphone. I can’t move or do I even try to sit up straight. I don’t have the strength or maybe it’s that I don’t have the courage to face everything I left behind.

Finn looks exactly the same with his tall, lean body and dark hair. His skin is still a deep olive color. His face carries more concern and worry and that happy look to his eyes is gone. He used to be so cheerful and carefree. I can’t detect an ounce of it in the Finn standing before me.

His voice fills the room, and I soak in every word like it’s the last time I’ll ever hear him speak.

“Never in a million years would I think that I’d be standing here. It’s no secret to anyone here that Granddaddy was my hero. I never looked up to Spiderman or Batman, no, it was always my granddaddy in my eyes. His love for the ranch was contagious. As I grew older, I found not only his love for the ranch was contagious but everything he touched from his family, house, cattle, crops, and the love of his life, Grandma.” Finn takes a moment to fiddle with his notes before he begins again. “You all have your memories of him and I don’t need to stand up here to confess his greatness. I just want to thank him for…”

I watch as Finn completely stops this time. His hands continue to fiddle with the notes he hasn’t referenced once. His sharp black jacket makes him look invincible, but it’s when his shoulders begin to shudder that I knew he’s in trouble. His head drops as his longer than usual hair covers his face. Instantly, I go to stand, but Will grabs my hand and just shakes his head.

I sit and watch as Kara makes her way up to him holding her abdomen the entire time. She’s barely showing and truly it’s only noticeable because of the cherry red dress she’s wearing. It’s very low cut in every way possible and probably three sizes too small.

I am wearing a long, navy blue dress and it is very loose and comfortable. It’s sleeveless and with my ginormous breasts it offers enough support to keep the dress up in all the appropriate spots. No obnoxious pulling and tugging at the top. I found a long time ago tight clothes weren’t worth it.  

Instinctively, I grab for my baby shielding it away from Kara and all her nastiness. She can have Finn if she really thinks he’s the trophy. She can take him home and put him on her shelf. I won the true prize knowing how it really felt to be loved by Finn and having his baby growing inside of me.

The couple takes their place back on the front row. Kara makes sure to shoot me a look over her shoulder to ensure I witnessed everything. My hollow eyes just stared straight ahead not giving her anything to feed on. The next few moments go by in slow motion, and I take everything in trying to give Granddaddy the respectful thanks he deserves.

Deep down, I know his spirit will live forever through Finn and his love for the ranch. Several community members share stories with the crowd. They all range from funny stories that leave everyone laughing while others send a silent hush over us because of the true caring Granddaddy showed to everyone no matter their walk of life. As soon as the Pastor gives the final prayer, I stand up and walk straight to the bathroom.

I throw the pregnancy card at Will and Tommie and they don’t even second guess it. In all honesty, I do need to escape to relieve my bladder, but the other reason is that I need a moment to breathe. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d step back into this hornet nest. I don’t know what I expected, but this is not it.

I found the tiny bathroom vacant and send up thanks to the man upstairs. It’s a tiny restroom with two stalls. Even though it’s small, it’s decorated beautifully with brilliant white tile and rich maroon paint. After using the restroom, I find the nearest wall and let my body slide down it until I’m left sitting on the cold tile. The welcoming sensation of the chill comforts my nerves for a brief second. Then the reality of the whole situation crashes down on me. I’m pregnant with Finn’s baby and so is Kara. The look on his face portrays his hate for me and then with Granddaddy passing a sense of sorrow lingers as well.

The sound of the rest of the funeral party exiting the church fills the bathroom. Words and stories of Jimmy are still being passed around by all of his family and friends as they exit. He is the one man I want to be able to spill all my problems on to right now. I know exactly what he’d do. Listen, rock in his chair, listen a little more, and then give me the one piece of advice I didn’t want to hear, ‘You can’t help who you love, Tess.’

The man is exactly right, and now I finally believe his motto without a doubt. I love Finn. Fell in love with him this past summer and fell harder than I thought even imaginable. I missed him every single day I was gone and having his growing baby in my womb was a daily reminder of him. But now everything is wrong and beyond fucked up. He’s with Kara.

Leaning my head back on the wall, I want to scream because no answer is even close in sight. If only Tommie wasn’t going to have her baby any day or I’d be gone already. My tears finally win the internal battle. Feelings from when I lost my parents crash back in mixed with Granddaddy and the way Finn looked at me. It all mingles together within me, and my only option is to cry on a bathroom floor in a church.

The sound of the door creaking open invades my thoughts for a moment but isn’t a large enough threat to pull me from them. At rock bottom, does it really matter if anyone sees me in this state? I’m just the heartless girl who ran. Only if everyone knew the whole story and the real villains of this tale.

Footsteps echo on the tile, and I notice they’re coming straight for me. It’s not the typical clicky sound of women’s dress shoes or the slap of a flip-flop. Pulling myself together and sitting straight I see Finn standing before me. This time his eyes are focused in on me with his hands perched on his hips. I don’t even know where to begin or even comprehend how to make my mouth form words in that moment.

I watch as he loosens his tie just enough to unbutton the very top buttons on his dress shirt. As he slides the dark tie off, he begins to look like the old Finn to me. When he has most of the top buttons undone and has tossed his jacket to the side he’s morphed into the man I once knew. I can’t help but stare as he runs both of his hands through his perfectly styled hair ruffing it up in what I can only call frustration.

It begins to become too painful to continue watching the love of my life stand in front of me. I don’t want to know the words he has for me or feel the hurt in his voice as he talks. His eyes are fixated on my stomach.

“Ooops.” The heavy walnut door flies open smacking the corner of the counter with an unfamiliar woman standing on the other side. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

She places her hands over her chest astonished at the sight of a woman on the floor and a male in the woman’s bathroom. I go to assure her everything is fine and that I’d leave so she could use the restroom, but Finn beats me to it.

“It’s okay, Susan.” He turns to the woman, and I can’t help but examine his every movement. “But can you give us a moment, please.”

“Not a problem, Finn.” The brunette woman steps in giving Finn a quick heartfelt hug before she turns to leave.

He holds the door as she exits; guiding it closed with his hands, and then slides over the deadbolt latching it closed. The sound of the metal grinding sets the mood. Finn turns and immediately is staring me down again. He moves with determination taking a seat right next to me on the floor. He sits so close our shoulders and thighs touch and still not one word leaves his mouth. With just this little touch from Finn I feel his love pour back into me.

Relaxed back on the wall, I turn my head to face him and see he’s in the exact position as me. We are damn near a mirror image of each other from our posture to the pain covering our faces. His hand glides landing on the top of my belly. His touch undoes everything I’ve fought to keep in for six months.

“I’m sorry.” It becomes too difficult to keep eye contact with him, so I tilt my head back and begin to sob. “I’m so sorry, Finn.”

Both his hands roam over my belly exploring all of it. I feel air hit the top of my legs as he drags the bottom of my dress up my skin until he slowly and very painfully exposes my swollen belly. Now nothing stands between our baby and us. The feel of Finn’s hands on me causes me to cry harder and feel even more if even humanly possible. All the feelings of things never being able to work flood me to the point of wanting to vomit. Hot breath tickles my skin. I finally peer down to see Finn placing kisses all over my stomach.

The sight of the love of my life, Finn, my prosthetic, and the proof of the baby we made undoes everything I fought to get back and earned that summer with him. It all throttles me straight back to my graduation night where I’m holding my mom’s bloody body and then straight into the hospital room where those red roses haunt me making me feel worthless. It all lies before me on the cold tile floor and I’m the only one to blame this time. I fled at the first threat. Simply ran away when it seemed too much.

Finn finally looks up at me, and once again we are mirror images of each other with our tears flowing. Finn sits back on the tile with his back resting on the wall. I watch as he drags me into his lap and just like a ragdoll I easily fall into him. The feel of his hands, scent of his skin, and tone of his voice have haunted me night after night.

“Tess,” the sound of his voice cuts deeper into me. “Calm down, baby.”

The deep tone to his voice calms me and an insane effect sends me further spiraling out of control. It’s something I’ve wanted to hear for months. Late at night, I’d catch myself listening to old voicemails from him. I thought if only I could hear his voice one more time that everything would magically be okay, but little did I know I would be walking straight into the hornet nest.

“She’s pregnant.” I force myself to pull back from Finn’s solid chest. “Kara is pregnant.”

Finn buries his head in the crook of my neck and bites down on a piece of my flesh. I barely hear his mumble through his tears and clenching teeth, “You left me, Tessa. You left me. You didn’t come to me when my dad hit you with his shit storm. You left.”

His answer is crystal clear and deserves no more explanation. I don’t even feel the urge to question him or prod him for details. Everything he just revealed makes it clear that within the months I’ve been gone, he’s moved on with Kara.

The one thing I know is that I’ll take Finn in this moment for all those countless hours I willed him to me over the six past months. I’d give everything to him if he’d just stay with me.

“Tessa.”

I can’t even bring myself to respond to his voice. With everything I have, I buried myself into Finn’s skin trying to memorize and take in every single ounce of the man who will always own me. I can’t answer him right now and feel that numbing sensation invade my whole body once again. It’s like I’m staring at those red roses while facing the loss of my life.

It takes every ounce in me, but I force my body upwards into a standing position and begin to walk away from Finn. When I look back, he’s in the same crumpled position on the floor. His head doesn’t waver as I back away from him. He manages to keep the same posture during my whole exit. Not one word or syllable escapes him as I walk from him, and I receive his answer crystal clear. I fucked up.