We Shouldn't and Yet... (27 page)

Hal falls back on the plastic yellow chair. His sigh is deep and long as the tension leaves him at once. I stay still, standing and unsure if I should let myself smile or not. I can’t believe the good news, not as long as I can’t see him with my own two eyes.

“Can we see him?’’ I ask weakly, my voice shaking like my body.

“Of course. He’s in room 206. He’s a little dazed, but fine. We’ll release him tomorrow morning.’’

Hal stands up and extends his hand, a smile now chasing away the fear from his face. “Thank you, doctor.’’

“You’re welcome. He’s very lucky to be in one piece.’’

She walks away, approaching another doctor down the hall, showing some chart. I start breathing again, but I’m still very much shaken up.

“Come on, let’s go and see him.’’ He starts walking down the hall, quickly typing a message, probably to Marco to give him the good news. I trail behind him, still hugging myself tightly.

In front of the open door, we peek in and my heart speeds up. Jensen is there, laying on the hospital bed and dressed in the customary and very unflattering hospital robe. The sheets are up to his chest, his big arms over it on either side of him. He’s looking at the ceiling, unmoving as the young nurse quickly arranges the IV next to his bed. She turns around and offers us a quick smile before passing by us to go to another patient.

But my eyes stay on Jensen. I keep watching like a hawk his chest moving up and down in a regular rhythm, a relief to witness. My eyes water then, and I have to take a deep breath not to let my tears of relief fall.

He turns his head toward the open door, wincing. His eyes widen slightly, looking a little dazed. He looks at Hal first, offering him a small smile. Then, his eyes slide to me, and his barely there smile turns into a big one, but his eyes remain the same with that sadness underlying.

I can’t move or else I know I’m going to run to him and wrap my arms around him. I stay at the door, my arms tight around myself as Hal walks in with a smile of relief.

“You scared me. Damn, Jensen, what the hell happened?’’

Jensen’s eyes have trouble focusing on his son, his head lolls a little on the flat pillow. He licks his dry lips and clears his throat. “A fucking truck. I don’t know how I avoided it…or the car behind me.’’ He shrugs and cringes.

I gasp and push my back against the wall, trying to find the support I desperately need. My knees wobble under my weight. I came so close to losing him forever. Forever. It’s too damn long. My heart lurches in my chest, hammering out the truth I don’t want to face, but have to at this point. I’ve fallen for Jensen. I’m in love with him. It snuck up on me, right when my heart was still broken and weak. And it took a freak accident to open my eyes.

Hal and Jensen look at me and I don’t know which one to stare at. I’m afraid they’re going to read the truth on my face. Instead, I offer a poor excuse of a smile. It’s painful to my cheeks and must be equally painful to see.

“You okay?’’ Jensen asks in his familiar rasp, slurring his words a little.

I walk in finally. I reach the bed and immediately ball the sheets in my hands, right next to his hip. “Yes. I’m—I’m glad to see that you’re okay. I…I mean we got scared and thought…’’

He nods and moves a hand toward me. When his rough skin warms the back of my hand I tremble. But I can’t let him touch me, not right now when it’s already asking for all of my strength to not get closer to him and feel his lips on mine, showing me how truly alive he is. So, I jump back suddenly and push through the need to get back to him and touch him. He sighs and closes his eyes and frowns.

“We should let you rest,’’ Hal butts in with a terseness I hate. I know,
I just know
he picked up on the oddness around each other. And the way I freaked when he got the call? Damn, I couldn’t have been more obvious. “I’ll come back later today.’’

Jensen reopens his eyes and they immediately land on me. Even when he agrees and gives a few parting words to Hal he doesn’t look away from me. His eyelids are heavier, hooding his eyes. “Thank you for coming, Aideen,’’ he says to my back.

I look over my shoulder back at him and just nod. Words fail me and I follow Hal out of the hospital, in silence. He breaks it only once we’re back in his car and driving.

“What was that?’’

“What?’’

He stops at a red light and looks at me, his whole face hard. Anger is practically sizzling around him, enveloping me too. “Is there something I should know?’’

“What? No! Of course not.’’ Not anymore, at least.

He closes his hand into a fist on his leg, his eyes back on the red light above us. “I hope it’s true.’’

“What do you think there is, huh? Seriously, Hal.’’ I feel like puking. I’m not a liar. I didn’t used to be and it’s sickening to lie like this to my best friend’s face. But the truth would mess things up even more. If I had any doubt before, they vanished upon seeing his face at the hospital when he saw Jensen and I interacting. And I don’t want to fight with Hal or talk about what Jensen means to me. I’m not ready.

“Forget it, Aideen.’’

Without a word he drives me back to the diner where we had been eating lunch and where I’d left my car. He doesn’t say goodbye, only nods and drives away. The gap between us is getting larger and larger. I don’t have Jensen anymore and I’m losing my best friend too. It hurts, but I can’t bring myself to regret Jensen and what we had for a little while. Not only has he made me feel things I’ve never felt before, but he also helped me move on from Yann, something I never thought possible. I still think about Yann, still feel some remnant of guilt when I think back to his death and how I had stopped listening to him as closely, but it’s easier to live with it. I’ve also stopped being angry at him for not thinking of me in killing himself. I truly am moving on with my life and not completely hating myself for doing so. How could I regret being with Jensen when he’s given me new perspectives?

And I miss Jensen. I can’t turn off my feelings and I can’t ignore them now that I’ve faced them. Jensen is off limits, but he’s in my heart. I don’t know when it’s going to fade away.

I don’t know if I want it to fade away.

JENSEN

I push the IV next to me, cringing every fucking time I so much as breathe. This shit is going to get old real fast. I slowly walk back to the bed after a trip to the bathroom. As my ass touches the too hard and uncomfortable hospital bed, Hal walks back in, closing the door behind him. His frown doesn’t ease up and there’s no smile on his face. I discreetly sigh, tired beyond words. I’m so fed up with this fucking mess. He’s obviously onto me and Aideen, but after seeing death so close, I don’t really give a fuck if he knows or not. But I give a fuck about Aideen and I know she doesn’t want him to know. He’s my son and I should want to protect him, but I’m a selfish bastard, remember? Instead, Aideen is protecting him.

“I didn’t think you’d be back already.’’

I lie back down and lock my jaw when everything inside me aches. I’m strong to pain, but shit, it really hurts.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Jensen, really, but I have a question. Be honest.’’ He brings the chair from against the wall to next to my bed. He sits and rubs at his neck. His frown is still deeply seated on his face. His mouth is straight, nothing like the easy smile I often see on him. My guts twist. “What did that look mean with Aideen? She’s been more freaked out than me when I got the call and back here,’’ he gestures to the other side of the bed where she’d been a few hours ago. “There was something. I know it.’’

My heart does a strange thing in my chest. It’s light, beating faster. It’s no surprise that she’d been scared that something bad happened to me, but still hearing it from someone else means something to me. I’d seen how pale she’d looked, how small and trembling and all I’d wanted was to gather her in my arms and keep her there. This woman is embedded in me and I don’t fucking know what to do with this. I can’t not want her and I’ve never been good at denying myself something. Or someone.

“Hal, the girl went through a fucking lot. You’ve told me yourself. Give her a break.’’

“That doesn’t explain you. You were looking at her like… I don’t know.’’

It’s fucking hard to lie like this and I hate myself a little bit more for it. “Like I know how it fucking feels to be going through something like this? Damn it, Hal. I saw she was scared and shaken up. I can relate to that.’’

He stares at me, the hardness softening up some in his eyes. “Is that what it was?’’

“Yes,’’ I reply, my eyes fixed on his. I know I look fucking sure of myself, but inside I’m burning up from the lie, but also from wanting to see Aideen and not being able to. I want to want my words to be true, but I also am glad they’re not because she makes me feel good things. Even in the middle of this gigantic mess, I feel good things whenever I think about her, whenever I remember our time together. I’ve never had so many contradictory emotions in my life. Ever.

“Okay.’’ Hal nods, but he still looks wary. I’d be dumb not to pick up on it with the way he’s still eying me, the way his shoulders are still tense and the way he’s making sure to keep some distance between us. Since Aideen’s arrival in my life, my budding relationship with him has been taking a nosedive and it looks like it’s already cracking. It’s no surprise, though. I’ve never been able to keep people in my life other than my father and Q. “They told me that you’re going to be released tomorrow morning. Want me to pick you up?’’

I start to answer but I’m interrupted by a loud angry voice. “What the fuck is wrong with you, fucker!’’

I startle and gasp from the pain in my side. Q is fuming right outside the door of my room, his wife on his heels smiling softly at me as she shakes her head at her husband’s back.

“I didn’t do a damn thing, Q. And I was stone cold sober.’’ I chuckle and Hal runs a hand along his jaw, watching the show.

My oldest friend walks in and crosses his arms, looking down on me, eyes hard and a bit wild. “Do you know how I heard about that fucking wreck? On the radio and then one of the customers said that you’re the biker they’re talking about, miraculously unharmed.’’

I look around the huge motherfucker and stare at Olivia who quietly closes the door behind her, a hand on her round stomach. “Is he angry I’m still alive or that I’m in the hospital?’’

She laughs, but Q’s growl stops us all. Hal silently stands up to give her the chair and she thanks him with a nod and a pat on his shoulder.

“You didn’t call me, Jensen.’’ Q’s voice becomes flat and he relaxes his stance immediately, as if deflating slightly.

I sigh and cringe again. These damn ribs are a pain in the ass.

“I’ll go. I’ll come back tomorrow to drive you home, okay?’’

“Yeah, thank you, Hal. Sorry for the scare.’’

He shrugs and walks out, leaving me with my friend eyeballing me and his lovely pregnant wife ready to grab some popcorn for the show while I’m useless on the bed suffering by only breathing. Being alive sure is painful.

“I’m sorry, Q. I didn’t call anybody. Hal heard from Marco, but I wasn’t about to call anyone. I’m banged up, but fine.’’

“You could have died.’’

“I know.’’

“No,’’ he stresses it, leaning closer above my bed, his face still wearing the traces of his fear. “You could have died out there, Jensen. You always think that you’re on your own on this fucking train wreck you’re on, but you’re not. It’s time you wake up.’’

“I was sober, Q. It’s not my fucking fault if a truck changed lanes without signaling.’’

“I don’t get what you’re doing.’’

“Quentin,’’ Olivia says softly, grabbing his hand, but it’s too fucking late. I’m seeing red and the poison inside me is ready to burst out. I’m so tired of all of this.

I sit straighter, barely feeling the pain from moving. I’m too pissed right now. I point at his chest, my hand trembling. “I’m trying to deal with my messed up thoughts, Q. I’ve given up the only thing that was bringing me some fucking peace. What more do you want, huh?’’

“What are you on about?’’

“Aideen! Does that ring a bell to ya?’’ I bring my hand back to my face and rub my temple. The headache is coming back with a vengeance. “That girl made me forget, made me feel, made me care about something else, someone else and not because I had to, but because it just was. And do you know who was on my fucking mind just before I blacked out? One guess.’’