We Shouldn't and Yet... (34 page)

I look down at my hands clasping my knees. I push back the pain from his words. I know he’s trying to hit a nerve and somehow he’s right. All of this is pretty damn fast. “I know. I can’t explain it or…I’d apologize again, Hal, but it won’t change a thing.’’

“Then don’t. Just shut up.’’ He straightens up at best. “I have feelings for you and he knew it from the start. And you’re still with him.’’

“We tried to—‘’

“That’s right, you’re a ‘we’ now.’’

“Hal, either you let me talk or not. Your choice.’’

“I don’t see what you could say that’d change a damn thing. My own father betrayed me and my pretend best friend, the girl I want to be with, is fuckin’ my father and is in love with him.’’

I stand up abruptly, my heart beating hard in my chest. “You think it’s easy for us? You think we’re glad that we’re hurting you? Shit, Hal, can’t you see that we tried to stop this from happening? But Jensen and I love each other. It’s not something we planned, it’s not something we’re even comfortable with, but it’s there. It’s fucking there!’’ I scream that last sentence. Hal is staring at me, mouth open. “It’s not going away and when we’re together everything is falling into place. We’re not hurting, we can be happy. Do you know what it’s like to truly feel alive again because of someone? Do you know what it’s like to need someone, to need to see someone and touch them, hug them or just need to see their smile or feel their eyes on you? Do you know what it’s like to know that it’s bad, that it’s going to be a real mess but not being able to not be with that someone? It’s consuming, it’s crazy and it’s so damn beautiful, Hal. Jensen and I…it’s the best thing in my life and I’ve never felt that way. Ever. Don’t you think we have a right to have this? Because what you feel for me, it’ll fade away and you’ll meet that someone that will make you feel what Jensen makes me feel. Maybe then you’ll understand and then maybe you’ll forgive us.’’

He looks away, and sighs. He visibly deflates and I see the anger in him leave. “I can’t forget.’’

“I know you can’t, but can you forgive?’’

He shakes his head and stands up on wobbly legs. He sways and I make a move to help him stand up, but he glares at me again and grips the back of the armchair. Jensen walks back to us with the glass of water, but Hal turns his back to us. It’s simple and without a word, but it conveys everything in this situation and my stomach drops. I see Jensen’s hands shake out of the corner of my eye. I wrap an arm around his tapered waist, seeking comfort and offering him some. He immediately snakes his arm around my shoulders, keeping his hand closed around the pills.

“I’m leavin’ tomorrow mornin’.’’

“What?’’ Jensen croaks out.

“I’m visitin’ my
family
for a few days.’’ He accentuates the word ‘family’ as if to better ostracize Jensen from it. I feel him slouch against me and I don’t know what to say to make it better. “I’ll be back in a few days to grab my stuff and I’m movin’ out. I don’t want to stay here.’’

I look up at Jensen and see his throat working, but he’s not saying a word. Right before Hal starts climbing the stairs I ask what we both probably want to know.

“Are you leaving town?’’

“I can’t lose my job.’’ He looks at us over his shoulder, his glare still firmly on his face. It only gets darker when he takes in the way Jensen and I are entwined. But we don’t move away from each other. What’s the point anymore,. “You two aren’t worth it.’’

Jensen opens his hand and grips my shoulder tightly. He stops breathing and his jaw works under his scruff. He won’t look at me, but I see the wetness in his eyes and that makes it harder to take. “It’ll be okay, Jensen.’’

He shakes his head. “How? I hate myself right now.’’

“Do you hate us?’’

“No.’’ He closes his eyes and a small tear falls and gets lost in his beard. I snuggle closer to him and close my eyes too. I need to push the world away for a few seconds. “But I hate myself.’’

“I love you enough to counter it.’’ I wrap my other arm around him and hug him with everything I have, with everything I feel and am. “Tell me you don’t doubt that.’’

“I don’t.’’ He kisses the top of my head and my heart swells. “My feelings for you are the only thing I’m sure of. I love you, beautiful. You’re the one keeping me standing right now.’’

“And you’re the one making me feel alive.’’

***

JENSEN

“You should rest, Jensen,’’ Aideen says as I stand and start doing the dishes.

“I’m fine.’’ I smile at her over my shoulder, but I know it’s a smile in name only. I’m far too bruised from what happened a few hours ago with my son. During dinner I didn’t talk much and I’m thankful for Aideen’s mother who didn’t seem to mind my brooding ass.

“I don’t get why you can’t sit on the damn couch and
rest.
’’ She crosses her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes on me. She’s so cute and sexy when she’s mad it’s a wonder I’m not already on her, losing myself in her like I desperately need right now.

“Ah, honey, leave him alone,’’ Aideen’s mother butts in with a kind smile for me. It’s quite a feat considering the way we met earlier, right after her daughter and I had had sex. “Jensen, why don’t you let Aideen do the dishes so we can chat a little.’’

I turn back around to hide my cringe. She a nice lady and it’s obvious she cares a lot about her daughter, but chatting with my girl’s mother isn’t exactly high on my list today. I’ve had enough ups and downs these past two days. I take a deep breath and groan through my gritted teeth when my bitchy ribs make themselves known again. I bring a hand to my ribcage.

“Alright, that’s enough. Go with my mom,’’ Aideen says and gently pushes me away from the dirty dishes piled in the kitchen sink.

I held up my hands and lean down to kiss her quickly on the lips. I want to linger and taste her, but I know if I deepen the kiss I won’t be able to stop there. I don’t think her mother likes me enough to enjoy the show just yet.

I yawn and walk to the couch where Aideen’s mother is already sitting, still a gentle smile on her face. I know she’s aware of how it went with Hal. The two O’Leary women didn’t hide well enough their quick chat in the kitchen when Aideen and I came back from my place earlier. I suppose she’s giving me some slack right now.

I rub my eyes and fight the bone weary tiredness I feel. I lean farther back in the couch and fidget until I finally find a position that doesn’t hurt my ribs too much.

“How are you feeling?’’ Mrs. O’Leary shakes her head and gestures at my ribs. “I don’t mean these.’’

Hal.

I swallow past the lump in my throat and break eye contact. “I’m…I’ve known better.’’

She nods and puts a hand on my forearm. The comforting touch surprises me. I look down at her small hand, looking a lot like Aideen’s if a bit thicker and obviously older. “Life is tough and something tells me it’s nothing new for you.’’

I snort tiredly and nod. “You can say that again.’’

“And you know how to push through tough times, otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting here in the living room of the woman you love and are fighting to be with.’’

I frown and look back at her again. She looks tired too and this time I truly see how much work it’s asking for her to smile and move on from her grief. This woman knows what it’s like to be trapped inside her own pain and I have a feeling we are on the same page this time. She’s not judging me and for this I’m thankful. It’s a big change from when she convinced Aideen to leave my ass.

“I think I truly realized Hal is my son when I lost him.’’ My voice is rough and you’d have to be deaf not to hear the pain in there.

“Ah, let me tell you a little something from one parent to another. Even when it seems desperate, your child will always be your child. He’ll come back to you when he’s ready and your role is to be there for him when he needs you.’’

“But Hal and I…’’ I shake my head and squash the rising hope at her words. “We’ve known each other for a very short time. I’m not his family.’’

“Don’t underestimate your son. People have a way of surprising you.’’ She pats my forearm and stands up. “He needs time, that’s all.’’ I watch her grab her purse on the floor next to the armchair and shoulder it. “Aideen, I’m heading to the inn now. I think the trip is finally taking its toll on me.’’

Aideen quickly walks back in the living room and goes straight to her mother to hug her. I watch my girl smile as her mother closes her arms around her to embrace her tightly. I know she hurts too from Hal and his harsh words, but she shows her strength again. She’s soldiering on, showing me she’s here for me. She’s a breathtaking woman and an inspiring human being. I can only better myself to be worth her time.

Both women part and Aideen’s mother surprises me when I stand up slowly when my ribs keep on bothering me and she quickly offers me a comforting hug before she leaves.

“She likes you,’’ Aideen says as she joins me back on the couch and curls up next to me.

I wrap an arm around her thin shoulders and pull her into me until her head is tucked under my chin. Damn, I never thought holding a woman like this could be so peaceful, so simple and yet so fulfilling in everything that it implies. It’s not just that we’re dating that warms me and chases away some of my dark thoughts. We’re in this together. I’m not alone, I have a reason to get better. I can have new goals in my life and aspire to more than I’ve ever let myself aspire to. She represents love and possibilities.

“She’s nice. I didn’t think she’d be so nice to me.’’

“She can see how important you are to me and she saw how important I am to you. That’s all she wants.’’

“Your happiness.’’ I kiss the top of her head. “That’s what I should have been focusing on with Hal.’’

“It’s not like you went out of your way to find something that would hurt him. You’re not a bad person so stop painting yourself like one. I hate it when you do that.’’

I look down and see her eyes closed. With her hand she traces small patterns on my abs and while it’s arousing and would have me ready to jump on her in a heartbeat at another time, I just take the time to enjoy her touch, the intimacy of having her against me like this. We’re not in a hurry to get our fill of each other because we have all the time we want now.

“I wonder what my father would have told me if he was still alive,’’ I break the silence and run my hand along her bare arm. I love feeling her smooth skin so soft under my fingers.

“What was he like?’’

“He was…’’ I trail off for a few seconds, remembering the strong man that I used to butt heads with for most of my life. A pang hits me in my chest, another pain awakened to add to my already tall pile of pains. “He was a hard worker. He had a garage in town. We weren’t exactly rich, but I think he’s the reason why I like working on cars and bikes. Before my mother left he was really lively if a bit rough around the edges. But when she left, he clammed up and became a bit distant. I started acting out more and more so we used to fight a lot.’’

“You told me he was proud of you though.’’

“Yeah,’’ I reply in a whisper. “And then he worried a lot when he saw me slipping into a sort of depression. I think he felt responsible because he knew I joined the army to make him proud, to prove him I wasn’t throwing away my life. I don’t regret that choice and…’’ My throat closes up more. “I really miss my old man right now. I’d do well with some tough advice and his no holds barred approach of things. He used to seem so strong. I never thought he’d die of a heart attack quite like this. He was the kind of man you’d think he’d out live everybody.’’

“I would have loved to have met him. Something tells me you’re a lot like him.’’

I smile and kiss the top of her head again. “I’m pretty sure he’d have loved you. I’ll show you some pictures one of these days.’’

“I’d like that.’’ She turns her head into my chest and kisses me there over my shirt.

Two months later…

JENSEN

I park Aideen’s car in the driveway of the white house and take a deep breath. I lean over the steering wheel and take in the place where she grew up.

“You’ve been very quiet over the last hour. Are you tired?’’ Aideen squeezes my thigh and I put a hand over hers, keeping her there. I love it when she touches me, even when it’s very innocent.