We Shouldn't and Yet... (32 page)

“I know you had my best at heart, Mom. I was confused with this relationship too.’’

“Your father told me that we’ve been hasty when you left that weekend. He thought that there was something different about you. He’s always been more attuned with you than I am, I’m afraid.’’

“Are you—are you still mad at me for being with Jensen?’’

She puffs out some air, and shakes her head. Her frown deepens slightly, carving more deeply in her small wrinkles. “I’m not mad. I’m afraid that you two are on different paths. He’s older than you and maybe you two will want different things in life and expect different things out of this relationship at some point. For example, marriage and kids.’’ She pats my hand again. “What if he doesn’t want to marry and have another child considering what happened with Hal? Or what if the age gap becomes a problem?’’

“We’re just starting, Mom. It’s…’’

“I know, believe me, I know. It’s too soon, but as your mother it’s normal I think of these things. I don’t want you to give up on a lot of things to be with a man, even if that man is good to you and you’re in love. Do you understand?’’

“I do, but you never know going in a relationship how it’s going to be. For all we know we’ll split in a few months, maybe in a few years or never. All I care about is here and now. And I truly see myself with that man for a while. I want that. We’ll have the big talks later on in our relationship. No need to scare him off right away.’’ I shiver at the thought of marriage and kids. It’s not that I wouldn’t want that with him. Damn, I’d love everything with him, but I’m young, way too young. I don’t see myself getting there so soon. In fact, it scares me a little just mentioning it with my mother, so a man like Jensen who is only truly discovering the meaning of a committed relationship at thirty-eight years old… I can only imagine what it’d do to him, the marriage and babies talk.

“I guess I’m just being an overprotective mother.’’ She slides closer to me on the couch and wraps an arm around my shoulders. “I don’t want to see you hurt again. I feel bad enough for not being there for you because of my own pain.’’

“I understand.’’

“That I know.’’ She kisses my temple and I close my eyes. My mother is truly back and making an effort. Her grief isn’t weighing between us anymore and I don’t have to be strong and mature. I can be her daughter, lost and in love again, afraid to make someone else suffer just because she’s in love with the “wrong’’ person. “I’m still sorry for holding myself up in my own pain without realizing that you were going through so much. I knew but…’’

“But you had too much on your plate to step up. I get it, Mom. Stop.’’

“You’re a wonderful young woman, and I’m not saying that because you’re my daughter.’’

“Really?’’ I arch an eyebrow at her in disbelief.

“Maybe I’m a little biased, but I’m sure that if you ask Jensen he’d agree with me.’’

I roll my eyes and smile more widely. “As if he wouldn’t be biased either.’’ I glance at the time on my mother’s watch and nibble on my lip. “He must be back home now. He shouldn’t be doing this on his own.’’

“Hal is his son. He has to be the one to talk to him. It’s not going to be pleasant, no matter how you look at it.’’ She squeezes me tighter against her side and I let my head fall on her shoulder. It’s been a while since she was the one comforting me. The past year, I was the one taking that role. It’s good to be back in her arms now. It warms my fast beating heart. “In time it’ll fall back into place.’’

“What if Jensen decides to break up to spare Hal?’’

“It won’t happen, honey. That man is too wrapped up in you. He’s risking a lot to be with you, so don’t start and doubt him now.’’

“I can’t tell you enough how much I hate that we’re going to make Hal suffer. What a mess.’’

“Ah…Love can be messy.’’

“Life too.’’

She nods, her chin rubbing against the top of my head. “That too, but it’s all worth it, don’t you think?’’

“Some people don’t think so.’’

“Honey, Yann had too much going on. You couldn’t have prevented his suicide and he couldn’t call out for help. He was snatched from childhood in the worst way. We’re lucky to have had him for so long. You need to let him go and let the circumstance of his death go. It’s not your fault.’’

“It’s still hard. I miss him.’’

“I know. We all miss him. We’ll most definitely always will, just like we’ll always miss my brother. But it’s okay to miss them.’’

JENSEN

“Hey, where were you? I went to buy some groceries and you were gone,’’ Hal greets me with a booming voice, a smile on his face as he turns down the volume of the TV. I swallow and dry my clammy hands on my jeans, shaking from my head to my fucking toes.

I close the door and drop my keys on the bench where I used to put my helmet. Now that we’re both here and I’m about to drop the bomb that will destroy—hopefully temporarily—the budding relationship we worked on for the past few months, it’s hard. It’s actually breaking my fucking heart knowing that he’s going to hate my guts. I deserve it, I know it, but it’s still hard to put the final nail in the coffin.

“I was…’’ I clear my throat and slowly walk to the couch, ready to sit next to him, close enough to give him the opportunity to swing my way if he feels like it.

“What’s going on?’’ His smile drops. His eyes narrow on me. “You need your pills?’’

I shake my head. I don’t want to have this talk high as a kite on some stupid painkillers. Afterward, though…

“It can wait, I need to tell you something first.’’

“I’m not going to like it, am I?’’

I shake my head and close my hands into tight fists over my thighs. I calm my breathing and lock eyes with him. “I’ve lied to you.’’

“About what?’’ He stiffens and his eyes darken, murderously so. He knows. He fucking knows already, but he doesn’t want to hear me say it. I don’t want to say this either, but I’m an adult. I have to face the consequences.

“About—about Aideen and I.’’

He loses the little color he has left in his face. He turns away from me and gets to his feet, his breathing hard. Fuck.

“Hal—‘’

“Shut the fuck up, Jensen!’’ he roars.

I clamp my teeth and face my son head on because he deserves the truth, and my relationship with Aideen isn’t something ugly or shameful. It’s messy, and it guts me knowing I’m hurting Hal, but I can’t turn off my feelings for Aideen. And I honestly don’t want to. “I’m sorry.’’

“You’re sorry, huh?’’ He laughs darkly. “Right. You knew I had feelings for her and yet you…’’

“I know.’’

“Is she your new sex toy then? A shiny new thing to have fun with now that Cassie isn’t so shiny and new anymore?’’

I stand up and bring a hand to my ribs, but I don’t take it easy. I point at my son’s face. “Don’t fucking say something like that about Aideen. You have an issue? Take it out with me, I deserve it.’’

“That’s right, you deserve it.’’ He shakes his head at me, his eyes as hard as I’ve ever seen them. It sucker punches me right in the chest. It goddamn hurts, but I take it. “I knew you were just a fucked up father, far from any father figure, but that’s a new low. Did you tell her that I have feelings for her? I’m sure you had your fun with it.’’

“You’re right, I’m fucked up, but not enough to get off on hurting you and going behind your back. And of course I didn’t tell her that you have a thing for her.’’

“But she knows. She fucking knows.’’ He takes fistfuls of his hair. “That’s why she went out of her way to tell me she’s not looking for someone to be with. She lied to me. I bet you were already fucking her.’’

I shake my head, nauseous now. I’m ready to puke. I’m that disgusted with myself. Why did I have to fall for Aideen? If I hadn’t drunk that one time and I didn't let out how fucking impossible it was for me to ignore how much I wanted her, then maybe we wouldn’t be in that mess because I’m pretty sure she would have never acted on her attraction to me. But I love her…
I love her.
It’s impossible for me to regret what I have with her.

“I love her, Hal,’’ I mumble somberly, head down between my shoulders. “You need to know this. I love her. It’s not just—‘’

“Love! Great, now you love her.’’ He tugs on his hair. “Next you’re going to tell me she’s going to be my new mom.’’ He shakes his head and lets his arms fall down along his sides. “I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.’’

“We were both afraid and didn’t want to hurt you.’’

“How long have you two been fucking behind my back?’’ He narrows his eyes on me again. “How long?’’

I look away, unable to fucking hold his gaze. “A while.’’

“I can’t do this. You two disgust me. I can’t believe she’s fucking you.’’ He grimaces and looks me up and down. “Now I finally understand why my mother kept me away from you. You’re not worth a damn cent, Jensen. You’re a fucked up drunk who destroys everything around him. Congratulations! You have one less person in your life and soon enough Aideen will open her eyes and see you for who you are.’’

I stay frozen there, hurting a lot more than the consequences of my crash yesterday. He grabs his keys from the coffee table, puts on his shoes and leaves without a look back. I had a son and I’ve lost him. Until now, I never realized how much he means to me. Now, I already feel a hollow place in my chest, right where he was. He’s right, I fuck up everything, destroy people and I’m a fuck up. I’ve lost him. He’s been the one reaching out to me in the first place, trying to connect with me when I know he’s still struggling with his mother’s death. I’ve never been there for him and now…

I’m a fucked up selfish bastard and I don’t deserve him or Aideen. I pad to the couch and sit down. For once, I don’t want to numb the pain with alcohol. I deserve it and I have to feel it.

“Fuck.’’

***

AIDEEN

I don’t know who is worse, you or the one posing as my father. —H

I sigh and finally delete the message. I’ve been reading it for the last half hour, debating between sending a text back or saying nothing. I knew Hal would be pissed, but I thought he’d let me explain. In the end, I’ve tried calling him but his phone is off. And Jensen isn’t answering his either. That worries me even more. I know how he tends to drink when he’s depressed and he must not feel so great right now. I know I am feeling… Actually, I can’t put a word on how I feel.

“Honey, instead of looking so forlorn at your phone you should go and check on Jensen. I can cook in the meantime. That way we can have a nice dinner the three of us.’’

I hesitate. I don’t know if I’d be intruding to go there and fetch Jensen. Maybe he needs some time for himself. “No, thank you. I don’t think he’d be up for company.’’

“Men don’t often ask for comfort.’’

“You think I should go?’

She shrugs and opens the fridge, her eyes scanning what’s there and what kind of recipe she can do. “I don’t know him, but from what he said and the way he looks at you I think it’s easy to guess that your presence and reassurance would help.’’

“Mom…I’m not good at that. Reassuring someone…’’

“Give yourself some credit, honey. Go see him. I think you need him too. You’re both at odds with Hal.’’

I nod and hug her briefly when she closes the fridge with vegetables in her hands. “Thank you for coming here.’’

“You’re welcome, honey. I needed that mother/daughter moment too. I’m glad my timing is spot on.’’

I grab my keys and put on my black flats left by the front door. My heart beats faster and in the throes of pain and sadness from hurting Hal, I also feel happy. It’s at odds with the rest of this mess, but I really am happy. I love a man who loves me back. We made a choice in sticking to our feelings, and now we need to cling to each other until the tempest recedes. I don’t regret it and I don’t feel any guilt. I fell in love and I can’t explain it or rationalize it. I just fell madly in love. That can’t be a crime or held against me forever. I hope.

***

JENSEN

I don’t move from the couch when I hear knocking at the door. I don’t even look up when it opens. I keep my eyes on the coffee table, not seeing the damn thing. I don’t see anything, don’t feel much other than confusion, fear and pain. I’ve lost my son and I’m too fucking scared to move a damn muscle and risk losing Aideen too.