Well-Tempered Clavicle (8 page)

They followed the enchanted path north. Woofer moved in a dog trot, with Tweeter riding on his head. Midrange bounded along just behind. Then came Dawn and the two skeletons.

Soon they came to a rest stop where there were several odd wheeled machines. “Bicycles!” Dawn exclaimed.

“What are they?” Joy’nt asked. “Machine skeletons?”

“They are for riding on. They make travel much faster, as long as there’s a navigable path. I’ll show you.”

Dawn fetched a bicycle, flung her leg over it, and pushed off. It moved, carrying her swiftly along.

The others just stared. They had never seen such a thing before.

“Try it, Picka!” Dawn called. “You can do it.” She looped her machine around and returned to them, coasting to a neat stop.

Picka tried it, following Dawn’s instructions. He put his pelvis bone on the seat, his hands on the handlebars, and pushed on a pedal with one foot.

It worked, to his surprise. The bicycle carried him smoothly forward. When it started to fall over, he turned the front wheel, and the bicycle stayed upright.

Joy’nt learned similarly. Before long the three of them were riding north, with Midrange riding in Joy’nt’s basket and Tweeter perching on Picka’s basket. Now their travel was much faster.

Still, it was a distance to wherever Attila was, and it became evident that they would not make it that day. Dawn and the pets needed to rest at night, so they pulled into a camping site and parked their bicycles. Seeing that, Woofer veered back to rejoin them.

“Midrange is nervous,” Joy’nt said. “He doesn’t want to camp here.”

“Let me check with him,” Dawn said, drawing her bicycle to a stop beside Joy’nt’s. Picka joined them. “What’s up, Middy?”

The cat meowed.

“Oh, my, you’re right,” Dawn said. “That could be dangerous.”

“What is it?” Joy’nt asked.

“There’s a massive, horrifying creature heading this way; she’ll be here within the hour. We won’t be comfortable sharing the camp with her.”

“That’s wrong,” Picka said. “She won’t hurt us.”

“Maybe not bone folk,” Dawn retorted. “But what about flesh folk like me and the pets?” She eyed him narrowly. “Besides, how do you know she’s harmless?”

“Because she wouldn’t be on the enchanted path otherwise.”

Dawn stared at him with her flesh-filled eyes. “You’re right! No hostile monster can use these paths. So we’re all right, as long as we don’t judge by appearances.”

“How does Midrange know about the monster?” Joy’nt asked.

“It’s his developing magic talent,” Dawn said. “When Mundanes have been in Xanth a while, they start getting magic too. Middy’s seems to be awareness of coming problems.”

“That’s interesting,” Joy’nt said. “I wonder what Woofer’s and Tweeter’s talents will be?”

“We’ll know in due course. But they can take many years to develop.”

They resumed riding the short distance to the camp.

Three people were already by the shelter: two boys and a girl. “Do you want to share, Princess?” Joy’nt asked Dawn as they coasted in. “We can go on to another camp if we need to; it’s not that late.”

“This is fine,” Dawn said. “But if you would, just call me Dawn, not Princess. I want to be one of the regular folk.”

“
We
aren’t regular folk,” Picka reminded her.

“I will introduce you as harmless spooks.”

“Accurate enough,” he agreed amicably.

Dawn led the way. “Hello!” she called as she stopped and parked her bicycle. “I am Dawn. These are my friends Picka and Joy’nt. They are harmless spooks. Their family left the dream realm and no longer works in bad dreams.”

“Oh,” one of the boys said. “Okay. I’m Tom. These are Aliena and Aaron.”

“You’re not a boy,” Dawn said shortly.

Aliena and Aaron looked surprised. They hadn’t known.

Tom was surprised too, for a different reason. “How did you know?”

“It’s my talent to know about things like that.”

“You’re right. I’m a girl. But I’m adventurous and very good at emulating a boy, and it spares me the looks of panty hunters. So I generally travel as a boy. I don’t have two walking skeletons and a big dog to protect me.”

“Oh, I forgot to introduce Woofer,” Dawn said. “He’s friendly. The bird is Tweeter, and the cat is Midrange.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Aliena said. “May I pet them?”

“Woofer yes,” Dawn said. “Midrange maybe. Tweeter no.”

Aliena immediately petted Woofer. “My talent is to change the color of trees,” she confided. “See.” She gestured to a small nearby tree, and it changed from green to blue.

“And mine is hot hands,” Aaron said. “I can even start a fire with them, if I concentrate.”

“You do look hot,” Dawn agreed. But Picka could tell she was being cautious, because Aaron was looking at her with a bit more intensity than seemed proper. She was right: if it was a human male, it desired her.

“Why don’t we take one side of the shelter, and you three take the other?” Joy’nt suggested.

The three looked into her hollow eye sockets, and hastily agreed. Spooks might be friendly, but they remained a bit scary to strangers.

They gathered pies from a nearby pie tree—pie trees were always to be found at enchanted camps—and Aaron used his hands to heat them until they were toasty. It was a nice meal.

Then Picka talked with Aaron while Dawn, Aliena, and Tom washed up on the clean pond. That way he was sure that Aaron did not peek at any panties or bare bodies. This was important for living folk.

After that, Aaron and Picka went to wash, though Picka didn’t really need it, while Joy’nt made sure no girls peeked. It was all part of the social courtesy of such camps.

When they returned, Picka remembered something. “When does the monster arrive?” he asked Dawn.

“Oh, I forgot about that,” Dawn said. “We should warn these three.”

“Warn us about what?” Aliena asked.

“There’s a horrendous monster coming. You may not want to stay here.”

“Are you trying to get rid of us so you can have the shelter to yourselves?” Tom demanded.

“Not at all,” Dawn said. “It’s just that this creature may make you uncomfortable.”

“A likely story. We’ll stay.”

“That’s fine,” Dawn said with a quarter smile.

“I don’t know,” Aliena said nervously. “If there’s really a monster—”

“I’ll burn it with my hot hands,” Aaron said confidently.

Aliena laughed. “You do that.”

Aaron glowered. “Just because I burned you a little, you don’t have to be sarcastic.”

“I apologize,” Aliena said quickly.

“He tried to burn you?” Joy’nt asked.

“I didn’t!” Aaron snapped. “It’s just that when I get excited, my hands get hot. I can’t help it.”

“You got excited and burned her?”

“He didn’t mean to,” Aliena said.

“Exactly what happened?” Joy’nt asked.

“We were getting friendly,” Aaron said. “But when she kissed me, my hands heated.” He sighed. “That’s happened before, with other girls. Each time I hope it will be different, but it never is. I can’t have a girlfriend.”

“So your talent is useful at times, but interferes with your social life,” Joy’nt said.

“That’s it exactly.”

“Too bad you don’t like skeleton girls.”

“Oh? Are you interested?”

“I’d like a boyfriend. But you’re not my type.” That was, of course, the understatement of the day. It was almost impossible for any skeleton to have a meaningful romance with any living person, as Picka and Dawn had already determined.

Midrange mewed.

“Oh, she’s coming,” Dawn said. She picked up the cat and held him. “Now remember, this is an enchanted camp. Nobody hurts anybody here. So try to be polite.”

They went out to meet the new arrival. It was just dusk.

Aliena screamed. Tom covered her mouth to prevent a similar reaction. Even Dawn seemed taken aback.

It was a truly horrendous creature. Her body was a ragged mass of fur, her head was a blank ball, but it was her arms that were truly repulsive. They were huge and multiply jointed, with spikes, and her hands were like metallic scoops.

“I’m SOGA, a refugee from the dream realm,” she said. “May I share this lodging with you?”

“Hello, SOGA,” Dawn said. To the others, she said, “SOGA stands for Sea of Gruesome Arms.” Then to SOGA: “It’s all right with the skeletons and me, but we don’t know about the others.”

“Skeletons!” SOGA exclaimed. “You’re from the dream realm!”

“We derive from it,” Picka agreed. “But we are longtime residents of Xanth proper.”

“I don’t want it near me!” Aliena said.

“But I mean you no harm,” SOGA said. “I hate the way I look. All I want is to be loved. But who would ever love me?”

“Maybe we should give her a chance,” Tom said.

“Thank you,” SOGA said. She took a step forward.

“No!” Aliena screamed.

“Hold her,” Dawn told Aaron.

Aaron stepped forward to intercept SOGA. “Don’t try to come in. I’ll stop you.”

“But it’s getting dark and I don’t want to be alone at night,” SOGA protested. She took another step.

Aaron grabbed her arms. “No.”

“Please!” She struggled to get past him.

“Don’t fight me,” Aaron said. “My hands will get hot.”

“I can’t help it. I’m so lonely! And there are skeletons here. They’ll understand.”

“We do,” Picka said. “But I think it has to be unanimous.” Still, he wondered why Dawn had told Aaron to stop SOGA. His hands were likely to burn her.

“Please!” SOGA repeated, struggling again. Aaron resisted, and his hands heated. In fact, they became burning hot. They could see smoke rising from them.

Suddenly SOGA’s fur caught fire. It puffed into a ball of flame and vanished in a noxious cloud. Worse, her head seemed to fall off.

“Oh, my clothing!” SOGA exclaimed. “I’m naked!”

Indeed she was. Her body, now revealed, was nymphlike, and her face under what was now revealed as a concealing helmet was elfin. She was an outstandingly pretty girl, except for her awful arms.

Aaron looked at her bareness, and freaked out. He froze in place. SOGA drew back, freeing herself. “I’m so embarrassed!” she said.

“I think we can handle this,” Dawn said, setting down the cat. “Take my dress.” She pulled it off and gave it to SOGA. The sight of her bra and panties didn’t affect Aaron, because he was already freaked out.

“But why?” SOGA asked.

“Because you don’t want to freak him out again,” Dawn explained. “Put on the dress, snap your fingers, and kiss him. Meanwhile I’ll go find another dress.” She walked away.

Picka realized that Dawn was definitely up to something.

Evidently bemused, SOGA put on the dress, which fit her reasonably well because Dawn’s figure was nymphlike. Then she snapped her fingers.

Aaron snapped out of his freak. “What happened?” he asked.

SOGA kissed him.

Little hearts flew out. In a moment Aaron drew back. “Let’s find somewhere private.”

“But my arms,” she protested.

“You have arms?”

“Horrendous ones.”

He yanked his eyes away from her face and clothed body. “Did I burn them?”

“No. They’re too tough to burn. After all, they can tunnel through the ground. But they aren’t pretty.”

“You have other qualities.”

“Use the shelter,” Aliena said, evidently regretting her prior attitude. “We’ll manage.”

They went into the shelter.

“Who would have thought it,” Tom said. “She does have scary arms, but the rest of her is something else.”

“And it seems that all any man cares about is that something else,” Aliena said wryly.

Dawn returned, wearing a newly harvested dress. “You knew that would happen!” Joy’nt said.

“Middy knew,” Dawn said. “I merely followed his advice and let them discover each other. He simply needed to see more than her arms.”

“He did,” Aliena said. “I’m sorry I was so prejudiced. She seems like a nice girl.”

“She is,” Dawn agreed. “And right for Aaron, because his hot hands can’t hurt her tough arms when he gets excited.” She allowed half a smile to escape. “And he’s very excited now.”

After a brief but reasonable while, Aaron and SOGA emerged from the shelter. “We’re in love,” he said.

“Of course,” Dawn agreed, as if that were only natural. Picka realized that the urgencies of living flesh were such that it might indeed be natural. The two knew almost nothing about each other except for the contact of their bodies, but it seemed that sufficed.

They took different sections of the shelter, with the new couple in one corner and the skeletons patrolling outside. The frequent sounds of kissing didn’t seem to bother the three other females or the pets.

*   *   *

In the morning the people went their various ways. Picka, Joy’nt, and Dawn mounted their bicycles, following Woofer, and Tweeter and Midrange rode on or in baskets.

By noon they reached the great Gap Chasm. Picka and Joy’nt had seen it before, but it remained impressive. It was a huge crack in the ground, so deep that a few small clouds were floating in it below the normal ground level. Deep within it, they knew, ran the dreaded Gap Dragon, Stanley Steamer. Except that he wasn’t dread to Dawn or the skeletons, who knew him from way back.

Woofer turned, heading east. There was no enchanted path there. They would have to tackle the rest of their trip by foot.

They put the bicycles by the edge of the chasm, for future use, and oriented on the unenchanted wilderness. The easy part of their travel was over.

Somewhere, not far away, was Attila the Pun.

5

A
TTILA

They plowed into the wilderness south of the Gap Chasm, following Woofer, who was sniffing more avidly. That suggested that they were getting close.

Suddenly in the thicket they came to a sign:
BEWARE THE BANKS
. Woofer paused there, uncertain.

“What is it, Woofer?” Dawn asked, touching his back. Then she answered herself. “We are about to enter a region stiflingly thick with puns. They are so dense they are obscuring the smell of Attila. Woofer has lost the scent for the moment. We’ll just have to forge through and hope he can pick up the scent on the other side.”