What Happens Tomorrow (32 page)

The less I talk about it, the more I can convince myself that this is all just a bad dream. That I will eventually wake up in Matt’s arms and hear Katelin on the monitor talking to the toys in her room.

I will never forget this day as long as I live…the day I say goodbye to my family. I don’t think there’s anything in this world that can prepare you to say goodbye to a loved one, but saying good bye to your husband and your daughter...

Denial.

I walk into the church with my mom holding me on one side and my dad on the other. If it weren’t for the strength of my parents supporting me, I don’t think I would have made it through the church doors. This is the worst nightmare I have ever had in my life. Thrashing and screaming and yet no one comes to my rescue…but no one can hear me because it is my mind going crazy, the thoughts in my head playing with my sanity.

The pews filled with our families and friends, people Matt and I went to high school with, co-workers and some of the parents from the baby groups I’ve attended.

The Reverend recites prayers as our friends and family give their eulogies, I just kept telling myself it isn’t real, that this is all a bad dream.

The service seems to go on and on and all I want to do is go back home, take a handful of pills, climb into bed and curl up into a ball and die. I no longer want to be here without them. I want to be with my family.

How am I supposed to go on without them?

Why was I left behind?

At the end of the service, Anna thinks it would be a good idea if I stay to accept the words of condolences from those who came to pay their respect. My mom argues with her, but I eventually give in. I’m not sure how many people come by to tell me how sorry they are for my loss and that I should find comfort in the fact that Matt and Katelin were together with God.

At first their words fell on deaf ears but then one of Matt’s great-aunts with her holier than though attitude takes it a little too far and I lose it.

“Excuse me? Did you actually tell me that I should rejoice?” I cock my head and my brows pull tightly in disbelief as my pupils fully dilate. “Would you rejoice if your husband and son were killed?”

“Well, I only meant that you should take comfort, dear.” Her patronizing tone is really beginning to piss me off.

Comfort!

Now that is the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back.

“Would you mind explaining to me how the fuck one takes comfort knowing that her husband and baby are dead? Knowing that they died a fucking horrific way? Or would you mind explaining how one takes comfort in not knowing how long they suffered before they died, or how long my little girl was scared and crying for her mommy and daddy who couldn’t help her?” My voice has raised several octaves and people who were talking have now stopped and are intently watching us.

I feel the sudden grip of a hand on my shoulder and I turn to see Anna. “It’s all right, Brooke. Aunt Maggie didn’t mean anything by it, sweetheart. She was just trying to comfort you.”

I turn to face Anna and quickly move my shoulder, trying to shake her hand off of me. “What do you mean she didn’t mean anything by it? I think she did!” There is no keeping my anger at bay; even the pharmacy of drugs I’m taking can’t contain the seething hatred I feel at this moment for this rude woman. How dare she preach to me at my family’s memorial?

“Would you like to explain to Aunt Maggie how comforting it is to you to know that your son and granddaughter are dead, Anna? Does it comfort you that they are together? I am so sick of everyone trying to comfort me. They’re dead! Nothing will ever fucking comfort me again!”

I watch as tears form in Anna’s eyes before they flood down her cheeks.“That’s quite enough, Brooke!” Anna shouts at me, but her rant falls on deaf ears, I don’t care for anything she has to say. I don’t care for anything anyone has to say because last time I checked I was the only one here who lost their family.

“I think that it might be time to get you home so that you can take another sedative and calm down.”

How dare she talk to me in such a patronizing voice, the stupid fucking bitch! I will never see my daughter grow up, watch her father walk her down the aisle on her wedding day, or be there to help her welcome her first child into the world. How dare she patronize me! Maybe she should have died instead of her son!

I can’t take it anymore. My legs come out from under me as I land hard on the floor, curling into a fetal position, and I hear my parents’ frantic screams as they run across the room towards me.

I CLIMB INTO bed and my mom brings me a warm mug of tea along with my medication. “Here, take one of these. It’ll help you relax.”

I do as she says and slide myself down my pillow. “Mom?” I question.

“Yes, sweetheart, I’m right here.”

“How am I supposed to go on without them?”

Picking up my hand and placing it in her own, I notice her smudged eye makeup. Her eyes are still wet as she climbs into the bed beside me, encasing me in her arms. “I wish I had that answer. Daddy and I would give anything in this world to take your pain away, but it isn’t possible. Only you, my gorgeous, strong daughter, can find the strength to go on, and god, I hope you find that strength.”

I hear her suck in a harsh breath and I know that she’s trying to calm herself from crying. “I’m so proud of you, my darling girl. If the tables were turned, I’m not sure I would have been as strong as you.”

She holds me tighter and I feel like a little girl again in her arms. “Please make me one promise, Brooke. Please, always talk to me about your feelings. I couldn’t go on if something happened to you. No matter how big you are, you will always be my baby.”

My heart is broken, but right now I’m in my safe place surrounded by the power of my mom’s love.“I promise, but you’d better prepare yourself because you might not like what I have to say.”

She nods in agreement. “Can I ask just one more favor? Will you apologize to Anna? I know she can be a pain, but she’s hurting too. She knows your pain even if she doesn’t show it. She doesn’t have anyone left to confide in or depend on to help her through this. Maybe you can help her deal with her pain.”

“I promise I’ll talk to her in the morning. I just can’t do it right now.”

I never did talk to Anna, and my mom never pushed again.
After their funeral, I tried with all my might to keep my promise to my mom. I made sure to look after myself the best I could, and that definitely didn’t involve Ana.

A pang of guilt washes over me as I rap on the door knocker; it’s been so long since I’ve had to do that. I used to have a key to this house.

I hear footsteps from inside the house getting closer to the front door and the anxiety starts to creep through my body. The front door squeaks as it slowly opens a few inches. I’m shocked to see such an older, salt and pepper, short haired woman appeared from behind the door. I almost don’t recognize her. Her once bright-green eyes are now dull and blank, hidden behind dark bags and stress lines. She looks nothing like the Anna I’ve known since I was a young girl.

It would crush Matt to see his mother like this. It actually hurts me to see her like this.

“Anna, it’s me. It’s Brooke,” I calmly explain, getting closer to the door.

Suddenly, the door closes but it doesn’t reopen. I’m left standing on her front porch wondering what just happened. Was she so angry to see me that she shut the door in my face? I’m just about to knock again when the door slowly opens.

“Brooke?” she pauses to take a long look at me. Her cool withered hand reaches up to cup my cheek as a faint smile crosses her lips. “It is you.” She pulls me into a tight heartfelt hug which surprises me because she was never a hugger. “It’s so good to see you, dear. It’s been such a long time…please, come in.”

I step in the front door, assessing the house as I enter. Matt would be devastated to see that his mother’s once immaculate house is now rundown and in need of a really good housecleaner. Closing the door behind me, she motions to take my coat. I shrug it off my shoulders and hand it to her.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” she says slowly, shaking her head in disbelief. “It’s been so long. How long are you home for?”

I sense excitement in her voice which catches me off guard as she was never one of my greatest fans. I was the girl who stole her son’s heart, taking him away from her. Seeing her this way breaks my heart. Matt’s mom was always a strong woman who took pride in her appearance. The woman standing before me is nothing like the woman I once knew, but then again, I am nothing like the woman she once knew.

“How are you, Anna? It’s really good to see you.” Looking at her breaks my heart, and I feel like such a bitch. I abandoned her when I was all she had left. I know I wasn’t functional, but I should have cared. I should have at least kept in touch.

We walk into the kitchen and sit down at the table. “I could make us some tea if you’d like?” she nervously asks as though scared I’ll be leaving soon.

“That would be great, thank you.”

“I heard you moved to California,” she says, looking over her shoulder as she fills the kettle. “It looks like the move was good for you, dear. You look a lot better than the last time I saw you.”

“It was a good decision.” I pause, unsure if I should continue. “There was so much pain here, you know? Everything I did, everywhere I went, and everything I saw reminded me of them.”

Closing her eyes for a moment, she slowly bows her head, nodding. I see how painful this still is for her. I know if anyone can appreciate my pain, she can. She lost a child too, only I was too consumed by my own grief that I couldn’t see hers.

“I understand, Brooke, I really do. I’m happy that you followed your heart. Matt would be too.”

Hearing his name and that he would be happy I moved on sends a pang of guilt surging through my body. I shouldn’t be standing in my dead husband’s mother’s house discussing my new life. Pausing for a moment, she sucks in a slow breath then exhales it all the while slowly shaking her head. Her pain isn’t gone; it’s written across her face for anyone to see. I need to tell her about Tyler, but seeing her like this makes me feel even guiltier, like I’m hiding some dark, dirty secret from her. I need an opportunity. I’m such a coward.

Quietly walking over, she places a mug of hot tea down, then without uttering a word, she sits down beside me, picking up her hot mug in both hands. “It was so painful to watch someone you love...someone so young deal with what you had to deal with. I may have lost Matt and Katelin in that terrible accident, but at least I knew that their pain was gone. Watching the Brooke I knew slowly dying and knowing that I was slowly losing you too...”

I watch as she puts her tea down, then carefully pulls a handkerchief from her sweater sleeve. Gently, she dabs the corner of her eye, then quickly tucks it safely away again. It’s hard for me to hear her kind words; I always felt that she hated me.

“You’re an amazing woman and I was very lucky to have you as my daughter-in-law. I’m only sorry I never told you that before today. I know I didn’t make your life easy, and from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for that. Believe me, if I could go back in time, I would do things differently.” She closes her eyes again, continuing her apology. “I have something for you. I’ve held onto it for many years, unsure whether I should give it to you or not.” I’m puzzled. What could she have kept from me all of these years and why?

“What is it, Anna?” I question, not knowing if I really want an answer.

“Wait here a minute.” She disappears from the table and I look at my watch. It’s already eight o’clock. Tyler and my parents are probably wondering what’s going on. Maybe I should give them a call and let them know I’m still here. I’m about to reach into my purse for my cell phone when she returns with a small box in hand. The phone call can wait, I’m curious to know what’s in the box. She sits back down and places it on the table. In the box, I recognize the chain he used to wear, his wallet and watch…his wedding ring. These are his personal belonging from the accident.
Why have I never asked about his wedding ring?
Then I see it—a small, folded envelope with my name written in Matt’s handwriting across the front of it.

“What is this?”

“After the accident, I was the one to identify Matt and Katelin’s bodies, and the police gave me Matt’s personal belongings. I had every intention of giving them to you, but in those first few days I just wanted to hang on to as much of my son as possible. When I was finally able to let go, you had moved away, so I’ve hung on to this box with the hopes that I’d see you again.”

Ashamed.

I didn’t know Anna was the one who had the grueling task of identifying the bodies. I should have known.

Seeing his things sitting in this little box, knowing that is all that’s left of him makes my heart hurt again. I need to go, I need a moment, in private, with his things. And, I want to know what’s in the envelope.