What I Didn't Say (36 page)

Towards the end of the song, Sam lifted her head to look at me.  I could tell there was something on her mind, could see it in her eyes.  She looked full of emotion and thought.  Very slowly, she leaned forward until her lips met mine.  She let them linger there for a moment, just holding them still, almost as if in anticipation of what was to come.

But then she pressed them to mine a bit more forcefully, her lips parting just slightly, her tongue tracing my lower lip.  One of her hands came to the back of my neck, pulling me closer to her, if it was possible.  My hands circled her waist, my entire body humming with life.

This was one of those perfect moments they made cheesy movies about. 

“Either get a room or come play!” Rain suddenly shouted next to us.  As my eyes slid open, he grabbed my arm and was suddenly dragging me to one corner of the room.  Barely managing to keep hold of Sam’s hand, we were dragged over to a gathering crowd.

One of the science teachers stood before everyone with a microphone.

“Make sure you write your name on the back of one of these tickets and get it put in this bowl here,” he said.  He held what looked like a round fish bowl under one of his arms.  “Don’t miss out on the chance to win the thousand dollar raffle prize!”

Pens and tickets made their way through the crowd.  As Sam wrote our names on two of the tickets, I peeled my tux jacket off, tossing it on the back of a chair and rolling my sleeves up.  When I walked back to the crowd, I found Sam sitting up on a table, her shoes discarded underneath her. 

Smiling at seeing her so relaxed, I sat next to her, taking one of her feet in my hand and rubbing it.  She smiled at me as she twirled one of the black permanent markers between her fingers absentmindedly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Norah staring at me with a mix of distain and jealousy on her face.  I almost felt sorry for her that she hadn’t come to the dance with anyone she actually cared about.  She certainly didn’t care about junior Anthony LeFray who stood at her side.

“Okay,” the teacher said.  “Everyone got their tickets deposited in the bowl?  Yes?  Okay.  The first drawing is for a twenty dollar gift certificate to Teazer’s.”

He reached his hand into the bowl, mixing the tickets.

“So did you have a good school year?” Sam whispered into my ear as she watched a freshman girl get her name drawn.

Realizing I didn’t have anything to write on to respond, Sam held out her arm and extended the permanent marker to me. 
Are you sure?
  I raised my eyebrows at her.  She smiled and nodded her head.

Don’t think it could have been better,
I wrote in small letters on the inside of her arm.  For some reason it made me smile, to see my handwriting on her skin.

Another guy cheered as he won the next prize.

Taking the pen from me, she put it to the skin on the inside of my arm.

No regrets?
She wrote in her neat handwriting.

Looking up at her and catching her eyes, I thought about it for a long moment.  There had been a lot that had gone wrong that year.  There was the obvious.  There’d been fights and hardships between us.  There’d been a million unsure looks from most of the island and an evil, spoiled princess that had tried to rip us apart.

But I had become a different person.  One who looked at things in a new way.  I appreciated life a whole lot more than I had last year.

And best of all, Sam was there by my side.

Not a one,
I wrote on her arm.

Me either,
she inked my skin.

“And the winner of the $1,000 raffle prize is…” the teacher drew out dramatically.  Everyone got real quiet as they waited to find out if they won.  “Jordan Hayes!”

The room broke out in cheers and a few boo’s.  Jordan jumped up and down, higher than I thought it was possible for her, clapping her hands.  And sure enough, she turned and planted one on Rain’s lips, right then and there.

I felt Sam writing something else on my arm, but didn’t bother looking yet.  I just smiled and pumped my fist in the air, cheering for my sister.  She bounded toward the front of the room, laughing and it looked like tears were pooling in her eyes.  I thought the smile was going to break her face as she accepted the rolled up wad of green bills the teacher handed to her.

I was happy for Jordan for winning.  She’d had a lot of weight on her this year, and I knew helping out with me and always having to worry about me had worn on her.  I couldn’t help but feel a little bit like I had somewhat ruined her junior year.  It was nice she could have something cool like this happen at the end of the year.  She’d have an awesome summer with it.

“Alright everyone,” the teacher said, picking up the microphone again.  “That’s all we’ve got for tonight.  Have fun dancing, and be safe out there tonight.” 

The crowd quickly disbursed back onto the dance floor as the music picked back up.  I jumped up to my feet and started rolling my sleeves down, about to take Sam back out onto the floor with me, when my eyes fell to my arm and what Sam had written.

I’m kind of tired,
she’d written
.  Is it okay if we go home?

I looked up at Sam’s face, disappointment sinking in my stomach.  She looked uncertain, something else hiding behind her eyes, I just couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

My mood falling slightly, I gave a small nod.

After retrieving my jacket, we found Rain and let him know we were leaving.  He said he and Jordan would get a ride home with Carter.

I wasn’t sure what to think about Sam wanting to leave the dance early.  She didn’t really seem tired and she had seemed like she was having a good time.  I wondered if there was something else going on and tried not to let the uncertainty make me sick.  Sam didn’t seem upset or anything.  She held my hand tightly in hers as we drove home, tracing small circles into the back of mine with the fingers of her other hand.

The house was dark when we got home, which seemed weird.  I wondered where Mom and Dad had taken all the younger kids.

Still hand in hand, Sam and I walked slowly walked to the front door.  Just as I had guessed, the house was completely silent when we walked inside.  I flipped the lights on, shrugging out of my jacket and draping it over a chair.

I glanced once at Sam, my eyes questioning.  She was being oddly quiet.

Very slowly, almost so slowly I didn’t notice it happening at first, the Jake smile crept onto her face.  Running her fingers over her lips like she was zipping them closed, she crooked her finger at me, telling me to follow her.  She took one of my hands in hers again, and led us back toward my bedroom.

For half a second I got nervous and excited.  Sam had wanted to leave the dance early, none of my family was here.  The house was dark and we were alone…  Could Sam be planning…?

But the thought left as soon as it came.  This was Sam, she didn’t make those kind of plans.  That was Norah’s style, not hers.

Sam glanced back at me once, her eyes excited and nervous at the same time.  My eyes questioning her again, she placed her hand on the knob, and pushed the door to my bedroom open.  She flipped the light on and we stepped inside.

I didn’t understand what I was supposed to be seeing at first.  Sam looked at me, as if waiting to see what my reaction was going to be to whatever there was supposed to be inside.

And then I saw it.  The entire wall above my bed had been covered with pages.  Pages with rough edges and little tags of paper that looked like they’d been ripped from a spiral notebook.  But there had to be more than fifty pages.  There hadn’t been that many pages ripped from our notebook.

I glanced at Sam once before I walked closer to the wall.  She gave a nervous smile before nodding me to get closer.

It all just looked like a jumble of words at first, some pages completely full, some pages with only a few words on them.

And then my eyes picked out four words that kept repeating throughout all the pages.

I love you, Jake.

It was there, written in the middle of pages, surrounded by words like “scared to say it,” “not sure how to say it,” and “maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow.”  And there were dozens of pages with only those four words written on them.

I knew a lot of those pages were the missing sheets from our notebook.  And some of those pages had been missing for weeks and weeks.

I felt Sam come to my side and she slowly started rolling my right sleeve up.  Not really believing what I was seeing on my wall, I looked down at her and watched as she rolled it up to my elbow.

And there those three words were, inked on the inside of my arm, in the black permanent marker she’d stained my skin with earlier that night.  I’d never even realized she’d written them at the dance.

I love you.

My eyes jumped up to Sam’s.  She looked so uncertain, like she didn’t know what my reaction might be.  But I saw in them that she meant what she had written.  It was there all over her face.

Stepping closer to her, so that there was only a half inch between us, I placed a hand on either side of her face.  My eyes studied hers, wishing with everything I had in me that I could vocalize those words I’d never gotten to say.

I love you,
my lips formed.  I may have only been able to mouth it, but it didn’t make the words any less true.

“I’ve wanted to say it for a long time now,” Sam said, her words coming out in a rush.  “I’ve just been… afraid.  I didn’t want to say them and get taken away, or have something terrible happen.  I know I haven’t been fair about letting you say it, but I didn’t want you to say it and me not be ready to say it back.  But I do, Jake.  I love you.  More than I thought it was possible.  And I thought it was totally impossible.”

She brought her hands to the back of my neck, resting her forehead against mine.  “I had this notebook with me while I was at Mike’s and I tried to find a good way to write it down every day.  I wanted to tell you so bad it made it hard to breathe, as ridiculous as that sounds.  I nearly filled the entire notebook but I couldn’t just send it to you and not be there to really tell you myself.  I love you and I’ve loved you this whole year, even if I couldn’t tell you.”

I chuckled at hearing Sam stumble over herself like this.  But it didn’t matter.  She was saying those words.  The ones I feared she never would.

Taking one of her arms in my hand, and grabbing the permanent marker I’d slid into my pocket before we left the dance, I pulled the lid off.

I love you, forever,
I wrote.

The Jake smile spread once again on Sam’s face as she wrapped her arms behind my neck and pressed her lips to mine.

I hoped our words would never wash off.

1 day ‘til the rest of forever

I tugged at my cap, feeling like it wouldn’t sit on my head quite right.  I fiddled with the blue gown I wore, cursing under my breath.  Who came up with this get up for graduation?  Were we not in the twenty-first century?

I turned in my seat, catching the eye of all six of my siblings, both my parents, and my Hayes grandparents.  My family filled half the stands in that tiny gym of ours.  Mom and Jenny waved at me, flashing bright and proud smiles.  I waved back and turned back to the front of the gym.

“And now I’d like to present to you our senior class Valedictorian, Samantha Shay,” Principal Hill said, clapping his hands as he stepped away from the podium.  The entire gym erupted in cheers and clapping, its volume deafening.