What the Heart Knows (8 page)

She laughed and snuggled closer as she allowed their combined body heat and the activities of the day lull her to sleep.

Oliver lifted the bottle of beer up to his lips and glanced out over the backyard where his nieces and nephews played a game of tag. The setting sun had turned the sky into a brilliant blend of oranges and reds. Every few weeks or so, the Young family carved out time in their hectic lives to get together and reconnect over dinner. Today his sister Tanya was the hostess of a backyard barbeque.  He nodded as Tanya stepped onto the deck beside him and joined him with a brown bottle of her own. Only two years older, Tanya had always been the sibling he was closest to.

“You know I don’t mean to pry.”

“Of course you do,” he said.  He smirked when she scoffed, and shook her head.

“You should be grateful you have such a doting sister.”

“I do appreciate you, but what you call doting, I call nosey, prying…”

“I get the picture, thanks.” 

She rolled her eyes and they both laughed at the playful banter that had gotten him through the worst of his grief. Tanya had always been tactful. She knew when to ask questions, and when to back off. It was a skill that had proved invaluable after the accident.

“Seriously, you’ve been different lately, and I mean that in a good way,” she said. “What’s going on?”

He paused for a moment before deciding it was past time to let someone know about Juniper. Things had progressed way beyond the point of no return. The next step was meeting one another’s famil
ies
. It’d benefit him to soften the blow by telling someone ahead of time.

“I met someone a while back. I didn’t want to say anything at the time because everything was new, and I had no clue where it was headed.”  He watched his sister’s eyes light up
,
and he couldn’t help but smile.  Juni was changing him one day at a time.  During his waking hours, Hannah’s memory had faded to the background as he focused on the present.  He wished he could say the same about the dreams though. If anything they had worsened as his
sub
conscious worked out the guilt he talked himself out of during the day.

“And now?”

“Now it’s pretty serious. I was a wreck for a long time, and suddenly Juni appears out of thin air like a beacon of light.”

“Juni?”

“Juniper… her last name is Bloom, and her parents fancied themselves comedians.”  He felt his lips twitch and curve up at the corners when Tanya snickered.

“It sounds like she’s special to you.”

“She is
,
T. Juni is like no one I’ve ever known, and just like me she
’
s been through tragedy.”

“So you’ve told her about Hannah?”

Oliver nodded.

“I told her my wife passed in an accident, and I wasn’t ready to go into details about her accident just yet, which she accepted. She had a close brush with death herself, so she understands it’s not an easy topic to speak about in depth.”

“It sounds like she’s the right woman at the right time.”

“I’d like to think so,” he said.   There were moments with Juni whe
n
he felt like he was exactly where
he was supposed to be. It was jarring how connected he felt to her at times. It challenged his beliefs. He’d never been on for mystic or overly spiritual things before, but now he wasn’t so sure he felt the same way.

“I’m glad
,
Oli
.
I was starting to get worried about you. It was like Hannah had some crazy hold on you that no one would ever break.”  Her words made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end, and he noticed Tanya shiver.  Though neither of them said it out loud, he knew he’d been t
ee
tering ridiculously close to the edge for a while.

“So, how serious are things between you two?”

“We’re not picking out
China
pattern
s
or anything, but I think we’ve arrived at the meet the family stage.”

“Wow.”

Her words were hushed as she turned to look at him.

“Yeah, it took me by surprise as well.”

“You know I’m always behind you
,
Oli
.
I’d love to meet her, whenever you’re ready
.
”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” he said.  “I was thinking maybe we could meet up for lunch one day next week?”

“Just tell me when and where.” 

Oliver nodded as his heart lightened. Once he’d made the decision to leave the past behind him, things had become easier in some ways and harder in others.  It was almost like the universe aspired to torture him just a
while longer.

“Thanks
,
T
.
I’ll let you know soon. For now, can we keep things between the two of us?”

“Of course.”  She paused. “I’m happy for you
.
I
t
’
s past time you got back to the business of living.”

Oliver wanted to believe things would happen easily for him from now on.
So why did this feel like the calm before the storm
?
When things seemed too good to be true, they usually were.
Don’t be so pessimistic.
He gave himself a mental shake and offered up a smile for his sister.

“I know. I guess we all grieve at our own pace though.”

“Hannah would be happy to see you moving on.”

Maybe the real one, but the twisted version I see in my dream has made her feelings quite clear.
His happiness waned as a vision of Hannah from his dreams surfaced. 

Her once golden skin was pale.  The lustrous, thick, light brown hair he loved to run his fingers through now hung limp and greasy around her gaunt face.

  “Hannah?” he asked. He could barley recognize the woman he once knew. Her athlet
ic
frame had withered down to a skeletal
one
. The bones protruded at angles so awkward he winced.

“How quickly you forget
,
Oliver.”

“I haven’t forgotten you
,
Hannah … you don’t look like yourself.”

“Yeah, death will do that to you.”

“I don’t understand.” He’d dreamt of Hannah before, but she’d never looked or acted like this.

“It takes a lot of effort to look pretty for you when I visit, and after the way you’ve chosen to ignore me lately I figured it wasn’t worth the expense of energy.”   He felt the bottom drop out of his stomach as she moved toward him. The black maxi-dress she wore dragged along the ground and belled out behind her like a trail of ink
y
darkness?  His teeth chattered as the temperature plunged and a cloud of white appeared in front of him. “After everything I’ve done to stay with you, all it took was one flash of big brown eyes and I was a thing of the past.”

“It’s not
—”

“We both know it’s your fault I’m here
,
Oliver, and for that reason, I refuse to give you up so easily.” A wicked smile lined her lips and his entire body tensed as she leaned forward to place her face inches from his own.

“Maybe you need a reminder of what it was like down there.”

The setting changed and he found himself surrounded by water. Panic paralyzed him as he struggled to release the seatbelt that bound him prisoner to the car about to become his watery grave. He turned his head to the right and screamed as he took in the bloated corpse trapped in the passenger seat beside him. He screamed, chocking on the water he ingested.

“Oliver.”

The sound of his sister’s voice brought him back into the present.

“What?”
           
“You still with me?”

“Yeah, sorry, I drifted off there for a second.”

The last thing he planned on doing was telling her about his dreams. She thought he was moving on and getting better
.
H
e refused to ruin that.

“If this girl has you this distracted I can’t wait to see the two of you together in person.”

He gave what he hoped was a believable chuckle and shrugged as he feigned nonchalance.

“I have to keep an air of mystery about me in person, so don’t give away all my secrets. “

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” she said.  Oliver rolled his eyes. The wicked gleam in her eyes told him she didn’t mean a word she’d just said.

“Come on, let’s join the others, before they start to worry,” Tanya said.

Oliver slipped an arm around her shoulders, as they headed back over to sit with the adults.

****

Oliver tossed his jacket over a chair as he walked into the living room. It was always nice to catch up with his family, but draining at the same time. As the only male in a family full of females he was often under scrutiny.
He sank down onto the couch.
They meant well but the prying could be tedious and intrusive, especially since he’d lost Hannah.  He studied the virtually unchanged living space he’d once shared with his wife, and thought back to the dream that still lingered on the edge of his conscious
ness
. It was clear he needed to take more steps to move past her memory.

His heart raced when his perusal of the living room stopped on a wedding picture. Hadn’t he put that in a drawer? A deep frown crept over his face as he furrowed his brow. How could he have missed that? It was on the breakfast nook where he had coffee every morning. He rose from the couch and walked over to pick up the frame and place it in the top drawer in the kitchen. The mind was an amazing thing. It could make you think you saw things that weren’t there, and act as your own worst enemy.

“Okay, you’re starting to lose it,” he whispered.

The house felt too silent and as he glanced around once more he swore he could feel eyes on him. Oliver shook his head as his hands balled into fists. He’d come much too far now to sink back into the bottomless pit of depression and guilt. Anger fueled him as he stood and walked into his bedroom. If he needed to let go of more he’d do it. It was like pulling off a Band-
A
id. The faster you ripped it off the less pain you were in for in the long run.

For the past two years he’d been following the slow pull method, and it’d gotten him nowhere. What Tanya said was correct.  Hannah would tell him to move on and find happiness again. The twisted wraith he saw in his dreams was just that, a vision of nightmares and lost hope. He flipped on the light on the wall, walked over to the right side of the walk
-
in closet and paused.  This had been Hannah’s side.  An almost tense silence fell over the house as he placed his hand on the door handle and paused. Was he ready to look through her things?  Yes, as ready as anyone ever was to let go of those they loved.  He curved his hand around the golden handle, pushed down and pulled the door out.  The band shirts they’d acquired together over the years assaulted his eyes and he smiled as the memories returned.

They’d had some fun times together over the years. Those were the memories worth remembering. His hand trembled slightly as he reached down to take the pale pink 311 shirt off its hanger. He had no use for them. So why did he feel just a little sick to his stomach when he folded the t-shirt
a
nd set it on his bed to be taken to a donation center? He ignored the guilt that gnawed at him until he was forced to head to the bathroom and dry heave into the toilet.  It was progress, but not nearly as much as he would’ve liked. Ashamed by his weakness, he vowed to finish clearing the closet tomorrow.  Exhausted he stripped down, and decided on a hot shower and what he hoped would be a dreamless sleep with the help of the tiny white pills he seemed to be needing more and more.

Juni studied Oliver from beneath her lowered lids as he moved around her apartment. It felt right having him here.

“You’re boring a hole in my skull
.
W
hat’s on your mind?” he asked.

“Just thinking about how well you fit into my life.”

“You’re so sweet when you’re all contemplative and deep?”

“Hush!”  She giggled as she tossed a pillow at him and he batted it away with ease.

“You don’t want me to say you’re cute?” he asked.

“I don’t want you to dismiss what I’m saying.”

“I’m not. I’ve just never been into the whole soul mate and spirits thing.” She saw him cringe at the word
spirit
and felt a twinge of guilt. The last thing he needed was to think of his wife existing out there in the universe in one form or another. She wanted to stop talking but it was like she had diarrhea of the mouth, as her words continued to spew forth.