What to Expect the Toddler Years (115 page)

Parental personal problems, such as depression, overwork, worry, illness, or financial difficulties. When a parent’s problems start becoming their child’s, frequent tantrums can result. Poor, crowded living conditions can also precipitate more frequent eruptions.

Prevention is the best defense against tantrums. Toward this end, begin keeping a record of your toddler’s tantrums for a week or two, noting when they occur (time of day; before or after naps, meals, and so on; following a particular event), and, if the cause is apparent, why (hunger, fatigue, restrictions, frustration). After a time, examine the record to uncover your toddler’s most common tantrum triggers, then set out to modify or eliminate them, using the following principles. Keep the record as a baseline for future comparison.

Encourage better outlets for the frustration, anger, and other emotions that seem to lead to tantrums (see page 171). Make sure you give your child enough opportunity to let off steam. The child who is perpetually restricted physically and emotionally is like a simmering kettle, always about to boil over. Encourage your toddler to express anger or frustration verbally or to release them in more acceptable ways. If his or her language skills are not up to it yet, help out: “You look like you’re mad about not being able to fit that piece in the puzzle. Are you?”

Tailor your toddler’s life to his or her personality. For many toddlers, regular meals, regular naps, regular routines for bed and bath will reduce the risk of tantrums. For those who are irregular, loosening up the schedule somewhat may help (see page 202).

Avoid letting your toddler go for long stretches without food. Carry nutritious snacks whenever you go out and don’t wait until behavior gets out of hand to offer them.

Reduce the need to say “no.” A parent’s negativity is often the trigger for a child’s tantrums, so take the steps on page 48, including childproofing your home and setting clear and consistent limits, to reduce your need to say “no.” To achieve compliance, use more games and challenges (see page 156) and fewer absolute directives, which risk being refused. Avoid setting off too many rebellions by setting too many rules (see page 47). When considering legislation ask yourself: “Is this rule (or this “no”) necessary?” Don’t lay down the law just because “children have to learn who’s the boss.” Pick your battles thoughtfully, with an eye to health and safety
and
peace and quiet. Be just as wary, however, of setting too few limits.

When possible, say yes. Instead of issuing an automatic “no” to your toddler every time your toddler asks for something, consider whether there’s really any good reason not to say “yes.” Giving an okay initially is far better than giving in under duress after a tantrum begins. When you can’t give an unconditional okay, try negotiating (“You can’t skip your bath, but you can finish looking at that book before you go in”).

Don’t straddle the line. Either say “yes” or “no” to your toddler immediately or negotiate a compromise. If you say “maybe” when you really mean “no” to avoid a confrontation, you’re almost certainly asking for a fight down the road. To most toddlers, “maybe” means “yes.”

Don’t overcontrol. Heavy-handed parenting (controlling everything a child eats, wears, does) can lead to rebellion. So exert absolute control only when absolutely necessary.

Provide choices when possible. Having opportunities to make decisions of his or her own (“Do you want to read this book or that one?” “Do you want to wear your jeans or your striped pants?”) helps a toddler to feel more in control, reducing the potential for tantrums. But avoid offering open-ended choices
(“Which shirt do you want to wear?”) because your toddler is sure to pick the one impossible choice, or be flummoxed by the array of options. Also remember to make it clear that some issues are nonnego tiable (wearing a seat belt, holding hands when crossing the street).

Use tips here and on page 334 to prevent tantrums when you’re away from home.

Anticipate frustration, when possible. Try hard to listen to and understand what your toddler is saying. Don’t eliminate challenges from your toddler’s life (they are necessary for growth and development), but do try to limit those that are truly beyond his or her reach. Step in and help when a challenge is turning into a frustration; but instead of taking over the task for your child, offer a little guidance so that he or she can master it independently (turning the triangle ever-so-slightly so your toddler can fit it into the shape-sorter). Expectations and standards, too, should be realistic—not so high that your toddler is constantly failing to meet them.