What to Expect the Toddler Years (117 page)

Try holding your toddler. Being held tightly during a tantrum helps some toddlers “keep it together” when they’re falling apart. A tight hold can also help dissolve anger (both in the toddler and the parent), with the hold often turning into a hug as control and composure are regained. Other toddlers, however, particularly those who are older or who generally don’t like to be held, will only flail more furiously when an adult tries to restrain them during a tantrum. As always, do what works for your toddler.

Try distraction. Some toddlers can be cajoled out of a tantrum; some easily, some not so easily. Others only get angrier if an adult tries to divert them. If yours is receptive to distraction, get out a favorite book, a puzzle the two of you haven’t done in a long time, or another favorite plaything, and try to entice your toddler to sit down with you by starting to read or to put in puzzle pieces (subtlety is important here). Or turn on a favorite tape and start dancing or singing.

If your toddler doesn’t seem offended by your responding to an oh-so-serious tantrum with humor, you might want to try a little silliness
(stand on your head, put your shoes on your hands, make funny faces) or even a little reverse psychology (“Whatever you do, don’t smile . . . No, don’t—oh, oh—I think I see a smile”). Or, perform a song and dance (with original lyrics) based on the situation (“Twinkle, twinkle little Joe, this for sure, you surely know. You cannot play with playground rocks, if you do not wear your socks”). See pages 126 and 156 for more ways of using humor with recalcitrant toddlers.

Get down to your toddler’s level. Sitting on the floor may help to even out the frustrating size differences between your half-pint and you.

Ignore the tantrum. Often the best course of action is no action at all; a toddler who is left to tantrum may get it out of his or her system faster. This approach, sometimes referred to as the “extinction method” by child-care experts, is especially effective when a toddler’s demands are totally outrageous, and even more so if you have a hunch the child knows they are. Continue to go about your business, humming or singing loudly enough to top the screaming and to make it clear you’re not paying attention to the tantrum. When you begin to systematically ignore your child’s tantrums, they may increase for a while (you can check by comparing their frequency with your baseline records). Eventually, however, as your toddler discovers that it’s just not worth getting all worked up when there’s no audience, tantrums should become less frequent.

Don’t use this nonintervention approach, however, on a child who’s particularly sensitive, is going through a difficult time, is under some special stress, or seems to get unduly upset by being ignored; instead, try comforting such a child. If you use it on a child who has very physical tantrums, be sure he or she is safe while you’re “not paying attention.” Keep moving during this period, because it will be harder for your child to thrash you if you’re a moving target rather than a sitting duck.

If you can’t ignore the tantrum because you’re in the middle of a store or you’ve got to go right out to meet your parents at the station, see page 334.

Call a time-out. For some toddlers, especially older ones, a time-out can give them a chance to “cool off” and regain their composure. See page 127 for how to impose a time-out.

If you’re unable to stop a tantrum in its tracks, don’t worry—it probably needs to run its course. When your toddler has released the pent up tensions, the hysteria will taper off and end.

However you decide to handle a tantrum, try never to accede to demands made during it. If you do, tantrums will become the route your toddler routinely uses to get his or her way. If you’re going to say “yes,” it’s better to do so before the tantrum gains force.

When the tantrum’s over, let it go. If your child manages to end a tantrum quickly, offer praise: “You did a good job of helping yourself calm down.” But don’t rehash the episode or lecture your child about it, or insist on an apology or admission of guilt (though with an older child you may want to discuss later what led to the explosion). And don’t administer punishment of any kind (such as taking away a toy or canceling a trip to the park). Your toddler’s been through enough, and besides, he or she didn’t do anything wrong. If it was hunger, fatigue, or frustration that triggered the tantrum, deal with the cause (with a snack, a nap, or support). If a parental request sparked the tantrum (you asked your child to put away the
blocks), you might suggest that the two of you attend to the task together now that he or she is calm. If it was your refusal to fulfill a request that sparked the fire, don’t give in and meet the demand now that the flames have died down. You don’t want to give your toddler the impression that tantrums are an unbeatable means towards any end.

Move swiftly to a diverting and enjoyable activity—preferably, one that won’t be frustrating (you don’t want to risk another tantrum). Find something to applaud or praise in your toddler’s behavior or participation in the activity; his or her ego is likely to have been shaken by the recent power struggle and needs your support. Many toddlers appreciate being held after a tantrum, as reassurance of their parents’ continuing love.

Keep in mind that there are tantrums and there are tantrums. If your child’s temper tantrums occur very frequently (two or more times a day); continue on a regular basis past age four; seem to be accompanied by feelings of intense anger, sadness, helplessness, aggressive or violent behavior, or other behavior problems (sleep disorders, food refusal, extreme difficulty with separation); or if you are having trouble handling them (especially if you are responding violently), then talk to his or her doctor. You may need some extra support your-self—and it always helps to have a situation clarified.

Children don’t have to be taught to notice differences. While a roomful of infants won’t seem to discern a difference between the dark-skinned and light-skinned, between the chubby, the slender, the sighted and the visually impaired, a roomful of older toddlers will begin to notice what sets individuals apart.

But while the ability to recognize differences comes naturally—as part of a child’s normal intellectual development—the ability to fear, mistrust, or taunt others because of these differences doesn’t. Children are very accepting of differences. They have to be taught to hate.

Unfortunately, they are quick studies. Children exposed to prejudice from the cradle may begin to express these prejudices by the age of two. The foundation for their attitudes toward those who are different is usually laid by the age of five, and those attitudes are cemented—often for life—by the age of nine.

To raise a child who is as free of bias and full of tolerance as possible, you should begin now. Here are some suggestions to help you in your effort. Keep in mind that the life experiences suggested below are relevant even to a two-year-old, but that many will not have meaning until he or she is closer to three:

Build your child’s self-esteem. Feeling good about yourself has a lot to do with feeling good about others. People who have poor self-esteem are the ones most likely to disparage those around them; they tend to build themselves up by tearing others down. Help your toddler develop positive attitudes about him or herself, and positive attitudes towards others should follow. (See page 292 for tips on building self-esteem.)