White Oblivion (3 page)

5

When I woke up it was near noon.  I must have worn myself out after having gotten so upset.  I looked up and Doran was sitting on the bed staring at me. 

“I know that I repulse you” I said looking down.

“No you don’t.  This is difficult for both of us.  You’re still you and I can still see your light shining through and that will never repulse me,” Doran said assuringly.

I couldn’t believe that Doran was taking this all so well.  Though I knew that a big part of it was that he was just trying to be strong for me.  I was clearly falling apart.  Normally I was one of the most confident, uplifting people anyone would ever want to know.  Though after waking up in someone else’s body with no explanation as to how it happened I was a wreck. 

I heard what Doran said, but I had no idea how or if I would ever get through such a horrifying experience.  Nonetheless, I did feel some solace from Doran.  He was doing everything in his power to quell my fears and for that I was grateful.  It was one of the many things that I loved about him. 

“I know... you’re right babe, but I swear even in knowing that, I’m still very much devastated by this whole thing.  This isn’t exactly the type of thing that you just figure out a quick solution for.  I mean I AM IN SOMEBODY ELSE’S BODY!” I exclaimed getting worked up again.

“Yes you’re right... you are... and true neither of us has any idea as to how we’re going to work our way through this.  At the same time if this is who you are now I will love you the same because I know that you’re still you.  You’re still the same woman that I fell deeply in love with 3 years ago.  You’re still the same woman that I am so proud to call mine.  You’re still the same woman that makes my life complete.  I don’t care what you look like baby.  Nothing will change that.  So if you don’t know already I’m in this with you.  We’ll face this together.  We’ll work through this and I mean that.  There has to be an explanation and a way to deal with it,” Doran said endearingly.

“
Deal
with it?  You mean fix me right?  I see how you look at me now.  I know that you love me, but I repulse you right now.  I see it in your eyes.  I hear what you
say
, but I also see what I see.  I repulse myself right now so I can understand,” I sulked.

On that note, Doran walked out of the room.  I knew that I had pushed too hard.  I didn’t know what else to do but to push him away.  I was the one trapped in someone else’s body and he would never truly understand that in a million years.  

I sat on the bed sulking and feeling sorry for myself.  I knew that it wouldn’t do any good, but I just needed a moment to be broken.  I needed some time alone to fall apart and I was glad that Doran had left the room so that I had time to do just that.  I must have wept until I had no tears left.  The pain in my heart pierced me to the core.  I couldn’t figure out a way to feel better and to be okay with what was happening.  The only thing that I knew how to do was to embrace the pain and it hurt like hell. 

I ended up staying holed up in our room for 3 days!  I just wasn’t ready to face the world as
her
.  She disgusted me.  So for 3 days I slept, cried, sulked and then slept some more.  After a while I didn’t even notice that Doran was even there.  I didn’t care about anything anymore.  I felt like my life had ended and I wasn’t about to give her the benefit of having a life when mine had so abruptly been taken from me. 

Then, on the afternoon of the third day I got up and went to the bathroom to look at her again.  She was an abomination.  I hated everything about her.  Who was she?  Where did she come from and why me?  Why on earth did she choose me?  There had to be
some
explanation as to why.  I had to figure the whole thing out.  There just
had
to be some explanation.  Doran was right.  The more I sat with myself the more I began to see the truth in what Doran had said.  I had to somehow manage to pull myself together enough to figure this all out.  I sat up on the bed, wiped my tears, closed my eyes and began to take some deep breaths. 

I thought to myself, “At least I’m alive.  I’m still here so that means there must be a way out of this.  This must be some sort of test of my will.” 

As a yogi I knew well of seeing the better side of things.  I had to snap out of this funk and get myself together.  I quickly jumped up and went to hop into the shower.  I undressed and was about to throw on a shower cap when I realized that with my new hair there was no need for that.  I wore my hair natural and so I was used to having a head full of thick, nappy kinks to protect whenever I took a shower to save myself from having to detangle it afterwards.  So not having my own hair would take some getting used to.  Hair was such a huge part of my life.  I attributed much of my beauty to my hair, which I had taken great pains to grow over the years.  My curly, kinky tresses were near hip length and I hated the fact that they were no longer there. 

Nonetheless, I maintained my intentions on focusing my energy on figuring out my dilemma.  I had to redirect my focus away from what I didn’t have and direct it onto what I did have.  I also had to focus on learning more about what was happening. 

As I stepped into the shower I nearly cringed after seeing the pale, white leg.  I needed some serious sun!  My skin looked like death.  After getting into the shower I looked down at my breast.  I’d never seen nipples so pink.  My skin texture even felt different.  It was a lot smoother and being in the shower gave it even more of a slip.

I closed my eyes and immersed my face into the water stream.  I wished that I could wash it all away.  I wished that when I opened my eyes I would once again be my true self.  Then I had a thought.  Perhaps this
was
my true self.  Was I living a dream all along?  Was I finally waking up from a dream?  I pondered those thoughts for a few minutes as I lost myself in the stream of the water flowing down my pale, white skin and stringy hair.  Just then Doran came into the bathroom.    

“Wow!  Glad to see you moving around a little,” he said clearly struggling to sound cheery.  He looked exhausted.  It was clear that he hadn’t been getting much sleep.  He was no doubt up worrying about me.

“Yeah, I can’t sulk forever.  Besides that I have to figure this thing out so I decided to start by getting cleaned up.  I have lots of work to do.  Is Ina awake yet?” I queried.

“Yeah, she and I were downstairs eating a bowl of cereal.  I told her that I had something to discuss with her.  I figured that I needed to give her a heads up on what was going on with you so that she wouldn’t be in too much shock when she saw you.  Besides that she;s been asking about you and getting really worried.  So whenever you’re ready she’s ready to see you.  Feel free to take your time though baby because I know that this is very difficult for you.  We just have to take it all in stride,” Doran said talking to me from the other side of the shower curtain. 

“Ok thanks for doing that and taking care of things the past few days.  I owe you!  Soooo I guess I’ll go see her when I get dressed.  I have to face the world sooner or later, but what are we gonna to tell everyone else?  Have you figured that out yet?” I asked Doran hoping that he had some good suggestions. 

“No I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I do think that for now we should just keep this within the family.  As for the studio you can come up with a fake name and say that you’re a fill-in instructor until you, well the real you, gets back.  What do you think abou that?” Doran asked.

“I think that’s a perfect solution.  That’ll give us some time to figure this all out.  Thanks for that,” I said graciously.

I was so glad that Doran was taking on so much of the weight of this issue for me because I had truly fallen apart and was only beginning to pick up the pieces.  I had not clue as to what I was going to do about this long term.  I did, however, wonder how this would affect my marriage.  Would Doran want to be seen with me in public now?  I decided to just ask him.  We always had a very honest, open relationship.

“So babe how are you going to feel about being seen out in public with me now?  I mean in the conscious community and even among your own friends its sure to raise more than a few eyebrows.  How are you going to deal with that?” I asked as I stepped out of the shower seeing Doran sitting on the top toilet seat lid deep in thought.

Looking at me a little startled he answered, “Baby we will take it all in stride.  I’ll be fine.  I know that you’re still you.  I think the difficult part will be getting used to the stares.  I’ll just have to prepare for that emotionally as will you.  The question is are
you
ready for that?  I’ll have to be since this is our reality now.  I’ve never dated a white girl before so this should be interesting.  At least I got me a cool white girl though,” Doran said jokingly trying to lighten the mood.

“Babe, I’m not a white girl.  Please don’t call me that,” I fussed. 

“Yeah well I’m looking at you right now and you sure look like a white girl to me.  Damn baby what happened to your ass?  Oh no, not my creamy thighs!  They’re gone too!  Now THAT might be a problem,” Doran said joking. 

“Come on babe I feel bad enough,” I pouted. 

“I know, but you know what they say about once you go black,” Doran said laughing.  “I can definitely see why they say that now.  Ya’ll white girls just don’t cut it for me, but its okay baby cause I still remember when.  I still even have my pictures of when.  Good thing I documented it before this happened.  I’ll just visualize when I look at you.  If I keep doing that that’s what I’ll see,” Doran said.

“Really babe, really!” I snapped.

“Well I see that your black girl attitude is still the same,” Doran said laughing.

“That’s okay, keep it up and you really will be having to remember when with those pictures of yours,” I said.

Doran was a photographer and one of the best.  He shot everyone from celebrities to well-known politicians.  He had accumulated several dozens of photo shoots of me over the years.  So he figured that if all else failed he could always look at them to remember what I looked like.  I was already missing my old body terribly and thought I would need to see some of those pictures myself. 

Doran jumped into the shower after I got out so I went to get dressed.  After getting dressed I came back into the bathroom to figure out what to do with my new hair.  I couldn’t bear the sight of the lifeless look of it so I just put it up into a bun.  I could see that the hair thing was really going to be quite an adjustment for me.

6

Once Doran got out of the shower and got dressed he and I headed downstairs to present the imposter me to Ina.  She was sitting in the living room on the loveseat reading a book.  She was an avid reader and spent more time reading than most kids spent playing video games.  It was one of the many things that I absolutely loved about her.  Both she and Doran loved reading.  It was actually how the two of them bonded initially.  They would sit on the couch together both deeply engrossed in their book of choice sitting as quiet as church mice. 

Doran decided to dive right in without delay and greeted Ina as I trailed closely behind him.  “Good afternoon again Ina!  Here she is!  Presenting your new mom!” he said flagging his hand in front of me like he was Bob Barker on the Price Is Right and Ina was getting a new car. 

“Oh wow!  Is this real?” Ina gasped in utter shock.

“Yeah it’s real.  Touch her.  She’s real alright,” Doran said.

Frozen and apparently glued to her seat Ina said, “Wow mom is that really you in there?  How did this happen?  I had no idea this was possible.  Are you going to get your old self back?  How will you explain this to everyone?  How do I explain it to my friends?  How will you teach classes at the studio?”

Ina was full of questions and she bombarded me with each and every one of them.

“I know Ina this is quite a shock to us all.  For now we’re just gonna keep this to ourselves so no will be telling anyone outside of here.  I’ll tell J myself so he won’t be startled when he comes home,” I explained.

“Can I touch it mom?” Ina asked.

“Sure,” I said as Ina slowly made her way towards me as if she was approaching a haunted house on Halloween.

She inched toward me standing just inches away and touched my hand, then moved her hand up my arm and lastly touched my hair.

“Oh my god mom this isn’t real.  Are you gonna be like this forever?  Will you ever come back to us?  I can’t imagine having a white mom,”  Ina said.

“Ina I’m still me and you don’t have a white mom.  I hope that you can see that,” I said.

“Yes Ina you’ll see soon enough that in every other way she’s still very much your mom.  Just say something to tick her off and you’ll quickly find out,” Doran chimed in.

“Alright now I told you about that babe.  Don’t start it,” I snapped.

“See, I told you,” Doran said laughing.

“I’m glad you find this so amusing.  Just wait until you wake up as a white man in the morning.  We’ll see how funny it is then,” I said.

“Well when I do I’ll just make the best of it and get all the things that I was denied as a black man.  Shoot, I’ll probably get paid 3 times as much!  Maybe that won’t be half bad.  So how do I make that happen baby?  Give it to me step by step,” Doran joked.

“Dad this is serious.  How can you joke at a time like this?  How are we gonna get mom back?” Ina said looking very concerned.

“He’s just trying to lighten the mood a bit Ina.  This is difficult for all of us, but we’re working on fixing it,” I said assuringly giving her a hug.

“I’m really worried about you mom.  This is really serious,” Ina said sounding 10 years older than she was.

We all headed over to the couch to discuss things further.  We had a huge oversized brown couch where I sat between Ina and Doran.  Ina sat still staring at me in shock.  She looked at me like I was a science project gone wrong.  Meanwhile, Doran tried not to stare, but he couldn’t hide it very well because it was written all over his face.  I started to feel like a contagious disease.

“Baby I can see that we’re making you feel uncomfortable and we really don’t mean to.  It’s just going to take some getting used to seeing you in this body.  We know you’re still you and we still love you,” Doran said apparently sensing my discomfort.

“I know babe.  It’s just hard seeing my family look at me like I’m an alien,” I said.

“So let’s discuss this.  We have no idea how or why this happened.  We don’t know how long it will last.  In the meantime we each have to continue living our lives.  So where do we go from here?” Doran asked Ina and I.

“I guess we continue to live as we always have while we try to make sense of it all and look for a solution,” I said.

“Yeah dad I guess you’re right, but mom I’m sorry this happened to you.  I wish I could fix it for you,” Ina said.

“I wish you could too baby.   I know this is difficult for you too.  Imagine how I felt when I first looked in the mirror and how I still feel everytime I look in the mirror and see this face,” I said.

“So babe I do have one question for you.  Can you still dance?” Doran said laughing.

“What!?!  No you didn’t!  Of course I can!” I snapped.

“Ha ha!  I told you she was still black!” Doran roared.

“Are you sure mom?  Cause if you can’t how are you going to teach your classes where you need rhythm?” Ina asked. 

“Ina, don’t you start too!  I told ya’ll I’m still black!  Put on some music and I’ll prove it!  Ya’ll are gonna find out!” I said.

“Alright, let’s find out,” Doran said reaching for his phone to find us some tunes.  He scrolled through his playlist and put on some Nas.

At first I nodded my head to the beat, then I slowly got up and started to dance.  As soon as I started dancing Doran and Ina roared with laughter.

“What is so funny!” I asked as I stopped dancing.

“Sorry mom, but we’re just not used to seeing you dance as a white woman.  You can really dance too,” Ina said trying to placate me.

“Yeah baby we’re not laughing to make fun of you.  We’re laughing with you.  We’re having fun with you baby,” Doran added.

“Ok if you say so, but ya’ll gotta stop laughing at me though every time I do something “black” so to speak,” I said.

I was glad to have them both to go through this with me.  I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have them and their bringing humor to such a traumatic situation was exactly what I needed.  They really did lessen the sting of it all for me.

“So babe let’s go out,” Doran said.

“What?” I said looking over at him shocked by his question.

“Yeah, let’s go out.  You’re gonna have to go out soon enough so we may as well do it now.  You’ve got to get used to this body.  In fact, we all do.  So let’s do it.  Let’s all go out right now,” Doran persisted.

I sat on the couch pondering his proposition. 

“Mom, Dad is right.  Let’s go out.  We all have to get used to your new body,” Ina chimed in.

Ina chiming in really pulled at my heart strings so I stood up and said, “Ok let’s go.” 

“Yaaay!” Ina screeched. 

Doran reached over and hugged me.

“I’m so glad that you’re willing to take this step baby.  You’re really being brave through all of this.  I’m so proud of you,” Doran said smiling at me.