White Oblivion (5 page)

9

Before Doran could stop me I broke my hands free from he and Ina.  I headed towards a woman who was just a few feet away.  This was no random woman.  In fact, she looked just like me, the REAL me!  So in what seemed like less than an instant I broke free of Doran and Ina and ran toward the woman guns a blazing.  It was totally out of character for me to respond so aggressively, but nothing about this situation was normal.

The woman hadn’t spotted me yet so I expected that when I came up to her she would have been caught completely off guard.  However, it was just the opposite.  She slowly and calmly turned around and smiled at me as if she was expecting me.  Having been prepared to go at her with all 10 claws I was the one caught off guard by her response.  Before I could say anything Doran had come over looking just as shocked as I was. 

“Who are you?” Doran blurted out to the woman who was alone and casually walking through the mall.

“I’m your wife.  Can’t you see that?” the woman said matter-of-factly.

“No you’re not!” I yelled getting even more agitated.

“The true question is who are
you
?  Do you even know?” the woman asked staring at me blankly.

I had no come back because at that moment I truly
didn’t
know who I was.  I thought I did before then, but since I’d woken up that morning as someone else all of that changed.  I was living the life of someone I was clueless about.  Over night it seemed that all that I thought I knew of who I was went out the window and the next thing I knew I was a stranger to even myself.  The woman was absolutely right.  I
didn’t
know who I was. 

However, I also didn’t know who she was and that was something that I had to find out.  So I asked her, “So who are you?”

“I am you, the you that you don’t yet know.  Though, when you are ready you
will
know me,” the woman said as she turned to walk away.

“Where are you going?  You have to tell me what’s going on here?  Why and how did this even happen?  Will I change back?  Am I stuck in this body forever?” I asked anxiously. 

“The answers to all of
those
questions will come.  In the meantime you should know that you aren’t quite focusing on the right questions at the moment.  Focus inward a bit more and more will be revealed to you.  Know that you’re right where you need to be. There are no mistakes.  Always remember that,” the woman said.

Before I could say anything else she was gone and Doran and I were left standing there frozen.  We each had a thousand questions buzzing through our minds.

“What the hell just happened?” I said perplexed as ever.

“Things have gotten even stranger now,” Doran responded.

“Yeah,” I said staring blankly into space.

I was a thousand miles away, deep in thought about what the woman who appeared to be me had said.  I wondered what she meant when she said that I wasn’t quite focusing on the right questions.  What questions were the
right
questions?  More importantly, what did she mean when she said that there were no mistakes.  If this
wasn’t
a mistake it certainly
was
a nightmare.  Replaying it all over again in my head was making me get anxious again and in the white skin it was all too obvious so I tried to calm myself down before my skin turned flush.

“Babe can we get out of here?” I asked.

“Yeah I think that would be best.  Ina I’ll take you to see whatever movie you want to see another time, but for now we have to head back home,” Doran said gesturing for us to head back to our car.

“Ok dad.  I understand.  Who was that lady that you two were talking to?  She looked just like mom,” Ina inquired.

“We don’t know,” I answered.

“Yeah, but we’re gonna find out,” Doran added making eye contact with me as we walked hurriedly back to the mall entrance.

We walked back to the car then rode the entire way home in silence each very immersed in our own thoughts.  When I got back to the house I decided that I needed to spend some alone time in the meditation room.  Since that day I hadn’t really gotten a chance to be alone to try to process the whole thing I desperately needed that time. 

During stressful times our meditation room was like a mini nirvana.  Not only was it conservatively decorated with an alter, pictures and statues of various deities and ancestors and a very impressive collection of crystals, it also provided access to the roof.  I called it our rooftop escape and it was where we sometimes enjoyed rooftop barbeques and where I had created the most beautiful zen garden.  It was like our little year round escape from the world.  Both Doran and I meditated often so the room got lots of use.  Besides that we both did our perspective forms of martial arts there since we both prefered practicing our arts alone.  While I did yoga Doran had practiced Kung Fu and Tai Chi for years before I met him so he used the room for that.

From the moment I stepped into the front door I knew that the meditation room was exactly what I needed.  I needed to do some yoga to calm my nerves and so I did.  I changed into some black leggings and a black tank top then headed into the meditation room.  I rolled out my yoga mat then began by taking in a deep inhale as I raised my arms outstretched toward the sky into mountain pose. 

Then I began doing a series of sun salutation sequences to loosen up and release some of the tension out of my muscles.  The more I repeated the sequence the better I began to feel.  I started to feel like me again.  For a moment I forgot about being in someone elses body.  I remembered how it felt to be in the world of wonder and questions and for a moment I felt good again.

10

It had been 4 days since the body swap.  We’d come up with a cover story that I was away training to get a master yoga instructor certificate and that a substitute instructor who was a distant cousin by marriage was running the studio in my absence.  Doran stepped up a lot more to help transport Ina to and from school, activities and social outings.  It seemed that we had come up with a pretty good work around for our issue.

I still had not gotten used to my imposter body and had to fight like hell to resist the urge to look at it every time I passed a mirror.  I didn’t want to see her because seeing her made the whole thing seem too real and too permanent.  The last thing I wanted was for it to be permanent. 

The most difficult thing for me to adjust to was my new hair.  It was a lot more stringy and smelly than I was used to, especially if I didn’t wash it everyday.  Besides that I had to go out and buy all new hair products just to manage it. 

I also had a hard time getting used to my skin.  It was just so pale and lifeless.  I felt like everything about me was lifeless from my hair and my skin to how I felt inside.  It was an adjustment that I just felt I’d never be able to make. 

Like me, Doran was making what I considered very fruitless efforts to hide his feelings toward her.  Nonetheless, I could feel the difference in his touch.  Besides that he didn’t want to make love.  He was usually the initiator and since the swap he hadn’t made the slightest move on her. 

I wasn’t hurt by it though because as weird as it was I felt that he was being loyal to my true self and I loved him for that.  Part of me felt like if he shared intimacy with her he may as well have cheated on me and that would have been unforgivable.  So I felt no less loved by him despite his lack of intimacy over the past few days. 

Being in the imposter body also had it’s impact on Ina as well.  She wasn’t her usual clingy, super affectionate, huggable, loveable self with her.  Yet again, I understood and was in no way offended by it. 

We were all dealing with her the best way that we could.  Meanwhile, I was still searching for answers and solutions as was Doran. 

The most drastic and difficult change that we faced was that I really didn’t go out much.  I pretty much went to the studio, the grocery store and returned home.  Doran and I weren’t the social butterflies that we usually were going to all the community events together.  In fact, there was a workshop coming up that we were already registered for that we had to make a decision about.  About a month earlier we had registered for the Divine Marriage Workshop and it was scheduled to be held on the upcoming weekend. 

I really didn’t know what I was going to do.  I felt that neither Doran nor I was ready for such an outing.  We both knew that there probably wouldn’t be any white people there and that I would stand out like a sore thumb, which was an issue that we’d soon have to address.  I knew that I wasn’t ready to address it and I was pretty sure that Doran wasn’t either. 

Then, as if reading my mind and only moments into my thoughts Doran asked, “So baby are we going to the workshop this weekend?”

“I was just wondering the same thing.  I don’t know that we’re ready for an outing like that, but at the same time I know we
need
to go, especially now with what’s going on,” I replied.

“You’re right about that.  We do
need
to go.  The only concern that I have is how we will each deal with the response from others.  I already know that me walking in there with a white girl will bring about a lot of stares,” Doran responded.

“Yes, those are my thoughts as well.  I don’t know babe, I just don’t know,” I added.

“Well there’s two choices.  We can keep hiding in here or we can keep living our lives.  We’ve been looking forward to this workshop for weeks.  I know that we’ll gain a wealth of knowledge by going whereas staying here will only result in us being in the same place headed nowhere.  That said, I think we should go.  We’ll deal with the stares when we get there,” Doran said.

“Wow.  Well I guess that says it all.  I’m with you babe.  If you say we should go then I think we should too.  Let’s do it!” I agreed.

Even with that matter resolved I was still feeling anxious about it.  However, after what Doran had said I at least felt a lot more prepared to face my fears.  Besides that I knew that Doran would have my back so I tried not to worry too much about it.

It was getting late so I decided to get dinner started.  I had a craving for breakfast food so I made breakfast food for dinner.  I pulled out all of the stops.  I made homemade waffles with fresh strawberries and veggie sausages.

“Dinner is ready!” I yelled to Ina and Doran.

“Ummmm mom smells like breakfast for dinner, my favorite!” Ina said nearly sprinting into the kitchen. 

We had an eat-in kitchen with a mid-sized glass round table that seated 4.  I set the waffles, sliced strawberries and sausages in the center of the table along with some freshly squeezed orange and mango juice that I made in the juicer.

“Wow this feels like the old you is back baby.  This looks good.  I miss meals like this,” Doran said smiling.

“Yeah so do I.  That’s why I prepared it.  We haven’t done this in a long time, at least not since the change.  It seems like I’ve been this way forever.  I figured waiting for me to change back is stopping me from living now so this is my first step in that direction.  I still gotta live,” I said.    

“I agree.  You do have to live and I’m happy to see you beginning to do that again,” Doran said as he reached in with his fork to get a waffle. 

“I’m not saying that I’ve got this thing worked out, but I definitely know that even while I’m mentally coming to grips with this thing I also have to keep living,” I added.

“Well baby we understand.  We may not be going through what you’re going through, but we’re here with you while you do.  I still don’t know how or why this happened and perhaps we never will.  I’ve been researching this thing to death and have still come up empty.  It seems this really
is
one of those freak things that just happened.  Have you come across anything yet?  Able to make any sense of what that lady in the mall said?  Gotten any signs or symbols on what may be going on in your meditations?” Doran inquired.

“Actually I have.  Just yesterday during my meditation I got a strong feeling of being two people.  It was like both of them were extremes and they were at war trying to find their balance.  The feeling was so strong that I almost felt like I was being pulled into opposite directions.  One was so warm and loving while the other gave me a sensation of heaviness.  It was like a Jehkyl and Hyde sensation,” I explained.

“Hmmm that actually makes a lot of sense in light of what’s going on.  In a lot of ways you
are
being pulled in two directions.  You’re struggling to maintain your sense of self while also trying to embrace the new set of circumstances you’ve been dealt in light of this change,” Doran suggested.

Ina was chomping away at the pile of strawberries that she’d piled on top of her waffles while Doran and I talked so she was oblivious to what we were even discussing.

“I still often look in the mirror though and ask myself, who ARE you?  Cause in a sense I feel like I have no idea.  I feel like what I thought I knew of me I no longer feel so confident in knowing.  It feels like I’m a stranger to myself,” I explained.

“Well trust me we all feel that way.  I always get the feeling like this is all a dream.  It’s like a dream you just can’t wake yourself up from.  Do you feel that way too?” Doran asked.

“I sure do babe.  It’s weird.  I always felt that, but I feel it even more now.  I don’t know maybe we
are
all in a dream,” I said trailing off deep into my own thoughts as I continued eating.

“Maybe this is the beginning of our waking up.  I think the mere fact that we’re consciously thinking that we are dreaming even suggests that,” Doran added seemingly going deeper into his own thoughts as well. 

Doran was always a deep brothah.  It’s what drew me to him.  I always loved that he wasn’t one to take on anyone else’s truth but his own.  He had his own ideologies, not what he read in a book or was conditioned to believe through associations with any groups, religions or family members.  He was his own guru and I found that so sexy!  This was important to me because I was always a think and live outside-of-the-box kind of girl who a lot of people couldn’t relate to.  I always danced to the beat of my own drum and never subscribed to anyone’s belief system.

So Doran was perfect for me.  He was the most open-minded person that I knew.  He never judged, down-played, belittled or disrespected anyone elses beliefs.  He never looked to prove himself to anyone and never needed to have followers.  In fact, he spent most of his free time alone studying and doing his own inner work discovering his own truth.  He was definitely his own man.  I would sometimes just sit and gaze at him in awe.  Then, just like on the day that we met, in that moment I saw him for who he was, a God. 

Just as that thought crossed my mind I thought to myself, “So what does that make me?”