Wholehearted (12 page)

The frustration he had felt moments before morphed into heavy guilt at his lack of understanding. Above all else, Lucas was a victim. He needed to be treated with care and understanding. Declan had gone so far into the masculine protector mode, he had forgotten about caring about how Lucas was feeling.

He was no longer tired. He counted backward from one hundred, hoping for sleep to come before he reached one. There was no such luck. It would be a long time before he would be able to drift off.

D
ECLAN
LAY
in bed for a long time trying to sleep. It was almost two in the morning before he gave up and rolled out of bed, then walked to the kitchen to make himself some tea. Lying in a dark room replaying the night over and over in his head was doing no good. If he was awake, he might as well be doing something productive.

He picked up the blue aluminum kettle from the back burner of the stove and held the spout under the tap as he turned the faucet on to fill it. As he returned it to the stove, he clicked over the knob to ignite the burner when he heard a shout coming from Lucas’s room.

After Declan quickly turned the gas off, he darted down the hall to the guest room. He opened the door, the light from the hallway spilling in and illuminating Lucas’s nearly naked form, which was thrashing and kicking at the blankets.

Declan ran over to him and firmly grabbed his shoulders in an attempt to wake him up, worried that the violent spasms might tear loose stitches or jar broken bones out of alignment.

Lucas’s eyes shot open, his pupils blown wide in fear. He had stopped thrashing, and Declan cupped his jaw, forcing their eyes to meet. “It’s okay, Lucas. You’re fine.”

“What happened?” he asked

“I’d hazard a guess that you were having a pretty vivid nightmare. I was worried you were going to hurt yourself.”

“Oh, shit. Did I wake you up?”

“No, but it wouldn’t have mattered if you did. Are you okay?” Declan asked, the concern heavy in his voice.

“I think so.” Lucas’s voice was shaky, his breath coming in pants as if he had just run ten miles.

Declan ran his hands down from Lucas’s face to his shoulder, feeling for any protrusion of the joint from the socket. It seemed to be in place.

“Close your eyes, I’m going to flick on the light for a minute.”

Declan climbed off the bed and reached over to turn on the bedside lamp.

“Can you sit up for a second? I just want to check your bandages and make sure you didn’t split any stitches.”

Lucas’s eyes were still closed against the bright light, but he managed to prop himself up with his good arm.

There was no blood coloring the white gauze, but Declan carefully peeled back the corner of the bandage. Lucas’s stomach muscles jumped at the contact of Declan’s warm hands.

Declan peeked underneath and was happy to see that everything looked as good as could be expected.

He let his eyes trail over the rest of Lucas’s body, up over his smooth chest to his face where the five o’clock shadow had become full stubble since the evening before. Lucas’s eyes were open now, looking at him with trust and sadness.

Declan let his hands fall to his sides, afraid that if he kept touching Lucas they were going to end up naked together. Lucas needed rest and support, not a horny, demanding man in his bed.

“Are you hurting?”

“Nothing that didn’t hurt before.”

“Do you need something?” Declan asked, gesturing toward the untouched pill bottle on the bedside table.

Lucas nodded and pulled his plump lower lip into his mouth, worrying it with his teeth. It wasn’t the pills he seemed to need. He reached out and grasped the edge of Declan’s T-shirt, pulling Declan toward him and the shirt up over his head the best he could with only one hand.

Declan was uncertain for a moment, but couldn’t deny how badly he wanted this with Lucas. A man only had so much willpower, and Lucas was testing his to the breaking point. He gave in and leaned forward, pressing their lips together, running his tongue gently over the spot Lucas had bitten. He moaned softly and shifted to try to press their bodies together.

“You’re overdressed,” Lucas hinted with a small smile. Using one hand to try to take Declan’s shirt off hadn’t worked well, so Declan helped shed the clothing, reminding himself to let Lucas set the pace. If all he wanted to do was kiss, that’s what they would do.

Declan turned the light off once more, climbing into bed with Lucas without breaking their kiss. He held Lucas’s back, supporting him as they lay down together in the darkness.

The kisses were slow and gentle. There was nothing urgent or insistent about the way their bodies moved together, bare skin rubbing on bare skin, hands roaming everywhere. Declan was gentle, careful not to hurt Lucas, and careful not to push too far. He didn’t want the same thing that had happened before to happen again.

They kissed for a long time, content to just be together. Declan stroked Lucas’s hair as they parted, and dropped tender kisses along his cheekbones and his forehead.

Lucas burrowed deep under the covers, pulling Declan in tight and burying his head into the little hollow between Declan’s shoulder and throat. Declan continued to pet and stroke him, just happy to be touching him.

It felt good to be intertwined like that, snug under the covers together. The rest of the shit of the day melted away until it was just the two of them cocooned in there, breathing in and out together.

“You feel good,” Lucas whispered against Declan’s chest, his lips tickling the smattering of dark hair that grew between his nipples.

“You too,” Declan whispered back, wanting Lucas to know how much he was wanted.

He had become so wrapped up in the other man in just a few short days—if he was honest with himself, it had been from the moment he laid eyes on him—that he didn’t know how to extricate himself emotionally any more than he did physically. And he didn’t want to.

The man in his arms felt right, like he fit there. It felt how it should feel, and no one was going to be able to convince him any differently.

He’d been insane the last few days, on an emotional roller coaster that began with blood and ended with gentle nuzzling and butterfly kisses. He had gone from scared to panicked, then angry to sad, to elated to furious to turned on, then back to angry, confused and horny and now happy. He was still horny, but happy was outshining even that.

He sighed and pulled Lucas closer, mindful of his fractured ribs. He wanted to crawl inside the other man, become a part of him. He couldn’t get close enough, or hold on to him tight enough to convince himself that the tenuous grasp he had on him wouldn’t somehow slip away when he was sleeping.

He had to relax for now, though, knowing that whatever happened in the light of morning, he had made up his mind. He may not have known a lot about Lucas and his past, but his heart knew enough to have wrapped itself around the idea of the other man being in his life permanently. He would just have to convince Lucas. He had six weeks.

Lucas made a muffled sound and snuggled in closer, his fingers drawing abstract designs along Declan’s spine.

“I’ve got you,” Declan said, the sound of his voice barely audible. He knew Lucas heard him, though, the answering soft snuffling sound that made it feel as though his heart had been torn from his chest.

“Oh, Lucas. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you. I promise.”

“Stay with me?” he asked, his voice small and broken.

“As long as you want.”

Declan could feel the dampness on his chest growing as Lucas’s silent tears fell.

“Shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay. Just sleep. I’ve got you.”

The shuddering slowly subsided, Lucas’s breaths evening out. Declan continued to hold him and keep vigil through the night, as if some unseen force might swoop in at any moment and tear them apart. Declan wasn’t going to let anything come between them if he could help it, and he was going to have to make Lucas see it for himself.

Eventually, Declan lost the fight with consciousness, and he slipped into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

D
ECLAN
AWOKE
to the gentle snoring of the man wrapped around him. The light from the morning sun was trying to seep in through the curtains, lighting the room in a gentle glow. He lay beside Lucas, in the same position as he had a few hours earlier. Neither man had moved during the night. Declan pressed a kiss to the top of Lucas’s head. It felt so good to have him in his arms. He took a moment to just feel the weight of Lucas’s body pressed against his own. The feeling of soft skin against his awoke another part of his body too, sending blood rushing to his cock, hardening it against his stomach. He angled his hips away, not wanting Lucas to wake up to being stabbed by an erection.

His grasp on calm was tenuous enough, Declan didn’t want to add sexual demands to the mix and risk another freak-out.

It was midmorning by the time Lucas finally awoke, and looked up at Declan with shining awareness.

“Hi,” he breathed, his voice raspy from sleep.

“Hey yourself.”

“Did you sleep okay?” Lucas asked. His face was lined with creases from being pressed up against Declan all night.

“Very well,” Declan lied. He hadn’t gotten much actual sleep, but he wouldn’t have traded those few hours he spent with Lucas nestled against him for anything.

Lucas pulled away and propped himself up on his uninjured arm. “Me too. No nightmares.”

“That’s good. Great, actually. You look a lot better this morning.”

Lucas quirked one eyebrow.

“I meant, you look well rested. I was worried about you these past few days. It didn’t look like you were sleeping much.”

“I wasn’t. I mean, I was trying, but the sleep I was getting wasn’t great. The dreams kept waking me up, and then my heart was racing so bad I couldn’t get back to sleep.”

He nestled himself back down against Declan’s shoulder, exhaling deeply and tightening his arm around Declan’s waist.

“Can we just stay here like this all day?”

“Are you still tired?” Declan asked, concerned.

“No. You just feel good.”

Declan smiled broadly. He did feel good, and that had everything to do with the man he was cuddled up with. As much as he wanted to stay in bed with him all day, there were certain things that needed to be taken care of… like food and basic personal hygiene.

“How about you stay here, and I’ll bring breakfast?” Declan asked as he tried to untangle himself.

“Nuh-uh,” Lucas protested. “You can’t go. If you move the covers you’re going to let the cold air in!”

Declan chuckled and kissed Lucas’s forehead. “I’ll be careful. You need to eat something, though. You need the calories.”

“Fine,” Lucas grumbled, apparently perturbed that his perfectly warm little burrow was being disturbed. “If you’re going to make me freeze, I might as well come with you and help. Speed things along.”

Declan smiled. “If you want.”

They untangled arms and legs and pushed the covers off, searching for clothing on the floor. It was found easily, all piled together near the foot of the bed where they had thrown it after peeling it off each other.

Declan left to start on the eggs while Lucas used the bathroom. He pulled all the ingredients from the fridge and lined them up along the counter. When the burner was lit, he heated a pan with a little bit of butter before cracking six eggs into a bowl and adding milk. With a flick of his wrist, he whisked them quickly, making sure they were well beaten with the dash of milk he had added. He poured the mixture into the pan and began chopping and grating the chives and cheddar cheese.

Lucas ambled into the kitchen and sat at the table. “It smells amazing. Can I help?”

“Nope, you’re good. Hope you like stuff in your eggs.”

“Sure, I’m pretty easy.”

Declan worked quickly, aware that Lucas’s eyes were trained on him. It was disconcerting and comforting at the same time. He liked knowing Lucas was looking at him, but he wasn’t sure what was going on behind those stormy eyes. Things always looked different in the light of day. Once the safe nest of the bedroom had been breached, it was as if a magic spell was broken, and it was possible that everything had changed.

Declan glanced at Lucas. He couldn’t tell anything from the vaguely contented expression he wore. Declan knew nothing had changed for him. Seeing Lucas sitting at his kitchen table cemented the idea that he belonged there. He looked like he did. Declan felt like he did. He wanted him more than ever, wanted him to stay.

It was quick, he knew that. People would call him stupid. And maybe he was being stupid. Maybe this was a colossally bad idea having him here, especially when Declan knew there was so much at stake. If he was falling this hard after less than a week, what would happen if he couldn’t convince Lucas to stay? How would he be able to say good-bye and not fall to pieces after he left?

Declan had only ever wanted a few things in his life: to be a cop, to have a place to call his own, and someone to love. He had gotten the first two with steely determination and never taking his eyes off his goals. There had been setbacks along the way—major ones—that had left him confused and temporarily aimless, but it had taken almost no time at all to get back on track and on his way to getting everything he wanted. He didn’t see why this would be any different.