Why Men Love Bitches (26 page)

The same goes for flowers or a gift. Do you act excited and appreciative, or do you barely mumble a thank-you and then put the flowers in water? If he brings you a wilted, week-old bunch of flowers from the supermarket that cost $2.99, hold back. Just muster up a thank you, smile, and put them in water.

If he gives you a gift, don’t fess up that you always go back and exchange it, or he’ll stop bringing you little tokens of his affection. If you can, exchange it for something similar, then tell him it’s the same one he bought you. Say, “It looks different on, huh?” (He’ll never know the difference.)

If you want him to give you jewelry, don’t ever utter the words “pawn shop.” If you pawned jewelry given to you by an ex-boyfriend or husband, never disclose that information to a man you’re seeing.

Acknowledgment is very important to men. A man I know, John, once ended a relationship with Kate, a woman he was dating, because he felt she was not grateful for a gift that he gave her. One day, when he was at her place, she asked him to move an old television from one room to the next. It had sentimental value to her because her father had given it to her. Without intending to, he dropped the TV and it broke. He described what happened: “I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a twenty-six-hundred-dollar entertainment center with an amazing TV and stereo. A week later some friends came over and said, ‘Wow! What a nice TV.’ Then she said in a sarcastic tone, ‘John broke the other one.’ I just about fell off my chair.”

John left her apartment that evening and never saw her again.

Because men aren’t conditioned to express their emotions, women sometimes assume that when men spend their money, it doesn’t mean anything to them or they didn’t have to do anything to earn it. If a man gives you something, show him the respect he deserves by thanking him for the kindness. If you want to be treated well, you have to
encourage
it by making him feel important and special whenever he does something generous and gracious. Otherwise, he won’t have an incentive to do it again.

Vinnie, who is very generous by nature, talked about a woman named Shawna who ordered lobster when they went to an expensive restaurant. He said, “I don’t mind that she ordered the lobster, but after that she just picked at it. Then she said, ‘I wasn’t really hungry, anyway.’ That bothered me.”

Again, the issue is whether you
act as though you expect or are owed what he gives you,
or whether you appreciate his generosity and kindness. Many men enjoy feeling like the provider, as long as they feel
appreciated for what they give
.

If he opens doors for you, let him know that you admire that, too. Whenever he feels that you admire his masculinity, and his brawn, it makes him feel rewarded. This is a way you can build him up.

Money can also be a telling barometer of where a man is coming from, or what a man’s intentions are. One woman I know named Carla dated a man named Guy, who made it very clear that he couldn’t afford to pay for dates. Guy always had an elaborate explanation as to why he couldn’t pay. Each time they went out, it was a Dutch treat. Nevertheless, he insisted on terms that would be “even Steven.” Fair and square. Without exception.

One time Carla accompanied Guy to a bar with several of his friends. To her surprise, he had no problem buying his buddies one drink after another. He paid for two rounds in twenty minutes, dropping $80 on drinks without thinking twice. “Waitress? My buddy Steve wants another Long Island iced tea.” It was only that morning he had asked his date to pay $7 for her scrambled eggs and bacon at breakfast.

Needless to say, this showed Carla that Guy didn’t have sufficient value for the relationship so she stopped seeing him. Usually when a man insists on splitting a check on the first few dates, he’s showing you right up front he doesn’t value you or the relationship.

Granted, some women refuse to have a man open doors or pick up a tab. They refuse to be “paid for.” A bitch has no problem and no “issues” surrounding being treated well, so she lets a man give—and she allows herself to receive. The nice girl who won’t allow herself to be treated to a dinner, deep down usually doesn’t want to feel obligated to a man and she knows she will be if he pays for dinner. The bitch has no such complex. She says thank-you politely and graciously. And at no time does she feel guilty or obligated. Nor does she feel compromised in any way.

If he’s a student or is truly struggling financially but he still wants to impress you, he’ll suggest doing something that costs less. Or he’ll suggest doing something that doesn’t cost anything at all. He can grab some inexpensive wine and a blanket and take you to a beautiful park. Or, he can get movie screening tickets. Or, he can invite you to a party. If he’s absolutely crazy about you, he won’t let you pay for the tab or go Dutch.

I know of a female doctor named Susie who was living with a man named George, who was also a doctor. She had just graduated and was doing her residency, so her income was less than that of a part-time nurse. George, on the other hand, was a well-established surgeon and was earning a substantial income.

They lived together in his Hollywood Hills home, which was almost paid off; still he insisted that Susie pay a sizable sum of money for so-called “rent.” They also split everything right down the middle: groceries, the electric bill, and so on, with the exception of cat litter and cat food, which Susie was required to buy (since it was her cat).

Whereas George earned half a million a year, almost all of Susie’s disposable income went toward her student loans. Compare the household expenses as they relate to the income of both people:

• His income is $500,000.
  
• Her income is $25,000.
  
• They each pay $25,000.
  
• The cat lives rent-free.
  

In this example, George earns twenty times Susie’s income, but she’s paying half the bills. Not only this, the rent deposits transferred from “Bank of Susie” were paying into the equity of
his
home. What does this prove? That even an educated, brilliant woman like Susie can be
too nice.

The financial part of any relationship has to be give and take. No one person should be doing all of the giving. If he’s taking you to an expensive play or ballet and you don’t have time for dinner because he ran late at the office, order some Chinese food and have it ready when he arrives at your front door. If he takes you out to dinner, pick up some movie tickets on your way home from the gym and surprise him.

When he offers to take you out and wants you to plan the evening, take into account
his
preferences as well as your own. For example, Linda insisted that her boyfriend, Benny, take her to a play. Benny is a “man’s man” and hates the ballet or seeing live plays. Still, she insisted that she wanted to go. He described the evening: “I gave her my credit card and she got the tickets and rented me a tux. There I am, holding ‘wussy’ little binoculars with the long stick on one side. It was an affront to my manhood. I could not believe I had spent a fortune and then counted the minutes hoping it would end. That was the last time I let her plan anything with my credit card.”

When a man asks you to go on a trip with him, be considerate. If he offers to pay and asks you to make the reservations, consult with him about the price of various hotels and let him decide. Men love to feel that they are “in charge” and that their opinion really counts. (At the very least, pretend.) If he pays for the trip, surprise him and pay to have breakfast delivered to the room. Or take him out to dinner to thank him. Buy him a bright colored shirt if you go somewhere tropical or a warm sweater if you’re hitting the slopes. Again, it’s all in showing that you respect what he gives. Men, like women, don’t want to feel taken for granted.

The same goes for a gift that he gives you. If he gives you something, act excited—even if it’s ugly. “I love it!” One girlfriend of mine got a T-shirt from her husband. It looked like a cross between a tie-dye and a paisley print and was so hideous it could scare small children. Even though she hated the shirt, she wore it for him when they were at home, just to make him feel good.

More often than not, women who are too nice err on the side of giving too much. They give to a fault. The woman who is too nice senses that he “needs her” and she runs to his aid like a Red Cross rescue missionary. And she gives—
blindly
.

For example, Abby married an Italian man named Franco to help him get his green card. Somewhere along the line during the staged marriage, he convinced her that he was madly in love with her. He found out she was a vegetarian, so he gave up pasta and ate vegetables. She loved hiking, so he took up hiking. She was “spiritual” and he decided he was “spiritual” too. The couple’s interview with the INS was successful and Franco was approved to get his green card. A day later he packed his bags and said, “
Ciao, bella
!” Then he rode off into the sunset. She didn’t have an engagement ring, but she did end up with a huge legal bill for their divorce.

I’ve also seen women who are too nice loan money to men. Usually it’s the women who are struggling who don’t think twice about handing out their hard-earned money. She’ll loan him money to buy a stereo for his car when she needs regular maintenance done on her own. The rule on loaning money?
Don’t
.

For example, Cheryl, who fits the profile of a bitch, told me the following story. She had dated Rick a couple of times, but she didn’t see him consistently because he traveled a lot. After their third date, he hit her up for a loan. As she describes, “Rick called me from Tahoe and said he had ‘an emergency.’ He asked me to wire him a thousand dollars to a Western Union office that was on the other side of the river. But then he kept changing his story about what the money was for. One story was it was a child-support payment to some woman named Babs, for a kid he never even told me he had. He said that he would need to board a riverboat to get to the Western Union station across the river. The fee was thirty-five dollars each way. So I said, ‘Absolutely! I will wire the money. Hurry up and catch that boat.’”

Rick didn’t quite catch on. He called later that evening after his roundtrip boat ride and told her that the money hadn’t arrived. Cheryl acted stunned and then insisted profusely that she had, in fact, wired the money. “You really have to watch those money wires. I am going to go right down to that office and see what went wrong tomorrow morning!”

The following day Rick went on a second boat ride to get his “loot” from Western Union. To his complete and utter surprise, no funds were forthcoming.

Obviously, Cheryl had no desire to see him again because it was in bad taste for him to call someone he barely knew and make this request. But she remembers the incident with a certain fondness. “Hey, I figured the fresh air might do Rick some good. And, if all else fails, he can get a job on the ferryboat.”

A bitch is not mean; she just doesn’t volunteer for any “joyrides.” If the man wants to go on a joyride and extends an open invitation, she can choose not to go. Yes, treat others the way you want to be treated. But, at the same time, expect that the man in your life treats you the same way.

The bitchier woman would never let a man think that she’s there because she has “nowhere else to go.” Her financial independence is a constant reminder to him, however subtle, that if he makes her “stay” unpleasant, she won’t be staying for very long. This ensures that the relationship remains respectful, reciprocal, and kind…
to all.