Why Men Love Bitches (28 page)

In both of these instances, by altering the “dinner agenda,” the women let their husbands know without words that they, too, had something to lose. Their actions said: “Either we meet in the middle or we don’t meet.” (And you won’t eat.)

Women often make the mistake of going down the beaten path of catering to a man, even when feeling taken for granted. A perfect example is a woman named Laurie who recently called into my radio show. Laurie is a single mom who doesn’t have a lot of money. She ran around for two entire days looking for a special heart-shaped pan in order to bake her boyfriend a cake for Valentine’s Day.

Trivia question: Do you think a guy’s going to care if the cake is shaped like a heart?

He’d probably have preferred a cake in the shape of a wrench or a remote control. In fact, right around Valentine’s Day, and shortly after Super Bowl Sunday, you can get a football-shaped cake at the bakery. All you have to do is take the little football people off, throw an asymmetrical “Happy Valentine’s Day” on there. Time expenditure? Reduced from two whole days to twelve minutes.

Any woman who feels taken for granted should definitely ease up on the Betty Crocker efforts. It’s true that men say, “A man’s love comes from his stomach.” But there’s nothing in this statement that requires you to cook the food before it ends up in his stomach. The question must then be asked: Who should cook it? So many choices, so little time.

The fortune cookie says, it can be delivered. Or, you can pick it up. He can take you out. He can cook on the six-foot beast of a barbecue that he just “had to have.” Think of how much fun it is for him. He can spread out both burgers one on each side of the grill, two feet apart from each other. And the bigger the grill, the more virile he’ll feel when using it.

If he suggests using the grill, definitely encourage it. Then offer to do the dishes. When he starts cooking, set the table like the classy lady you are. Put out two paper plates and two Dixie cups, and plastic silverware. No table linens needed—just fold a couple of Bounty paper towels.

It’s never too early to invite him to participate in kitchen activities. In fact, I’d suggest engaging him on this issue the first time he comes over to your place. Usually by then you’ll have gone out a few times, and there is a comfortable rapport.

Walk him into the kitchen and take him on a nice little “Tour de France.” Say, “Here are the glasses…here are the cups…here are the plates. The drinks are right here. If there is anything else you need, please do not hesitate to help yourself. My home is
your
home.”

While you’re showing your guest where the drinks are, you’ll want to casually add, “I only have one little request. I have a little ant problem and,
uh,
all the dishes need to go directly into the dishwasher.” What he doesn’t realize is that you’ve just told him you won’t wait on him, and that there’s no busboy on the premises. If he wants a drink, you’ve let him know he’s welcome to help himself. If he wants a snack, he now knows where to find it.

Don’t try to be the “happy helper.” He won’t value your efforts when you automatically assume the role of a servant. If, however, you are reciprocating for kindness that he has been consistently extending to you, he’ll think of everything you give as a special treat.

Sometimes changing the routine is a matter of changing the dinner agenda; at other times, it’s a matter of changing the times or dates of your little rendezvous.

A college student named Anita provided a classic example of what happens when a woman doesn’t pay close attention to the way the pattern is set up in the first place.
The first symptom will almost always be that you sense you are being put “on hold.”

Anita describes how the pattern was set up. “I saw Dave several times a week. He’d call me on my cell phone after class around 4
P.M.
and we’d make plans. He started calling later and later. I’d be on pins and needles all afternoon not knowing if he and I had plans that night. I gave up a lot of activities because he was always keeping me ‘at bay.’”

Women like Anita end up “at bay” for the simple reason that they are willing to wait. Once he knows you’re waiting he’ll make you wait forever. This is when it’s time to
alter the routine.

In Anita’s situation, the solution is straightforward. She should make herself less available, and schedule the time he is picking her up at least a day earlier. (Notice that she does not offer to travel to see him.) All she needs to do is ask, “What time were you thinking of getting together?” Dave could respond, “I’ll call you tomorrow when I get off work.” The trick is not to leave it at that. Simply say, “Gee, I may not be here and I’d sure hate to miss you. Just to be safe, let’s pick a time now.”

Whether it’s early or late, agree to a time the day before the scheduled date. If he insists on “letting you know later,” just tell him that your cell phone isn’t working, your pager won’t be on, or you can’t take personal calls at work.

Sometimes men blame a friend. If you hear anything along the lines of: “My buddy is stopping by tomorrow night. I haven’t seen him in a while. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take. I can’t be rude to him and throw him out.” Simply say, “No problem. Have a good time tomorrow night.” Then, without showing any “attitude,” tell him you’ll be available to see him a
different
night. Again, what men respond to is
no contact
.

The alternative is that you waste two hours waiting for a call. That’s two hours you can spend going to the gym or doing something else that’s important to you. Most professional women, or mothers, or students who juggle busy schedules don’t have two hours in the day to
themselves
. But they’ll spend that time, without flinching, waiting on a phone call.

Altering the routine means mixing things up. If you call twice a day and he doesn’t seem happy to hear from you, call more sporadically and less often. If you generally get together on weekends, tell him you can see him that week on a weekday. This week you can see him Tuesday and Friday. Next week? Thursday and Saturday.

One happily married woman I know named Margaret, shared one of her secrets. She said, “Whenever I feel like my husband is getting a little distant, I’ll just take off for the weekend to visit friends or family. I’ll let him know Thursday that I’m heading out Friday and that I’ll be back late on Sunday. I may call once while I’m gone to let him know where I am. And it never fails…he’s always his usual, loving self again when I come back home.”

Here are a few more suggestions on how to alter the routine:

• If you always call the office to find out when he’s coming home, from time to time, don’t be home when he gets in.
  
• Don’t tell him your whereabouts for every moment of the day.
  
• If he calls you on your cell phone, don’t always rush to pick up.
  
• If he pages you, don’t call back within thirty seconds. Or, don’t call back. Let him get hold of you at home—not when you’re out and about.
  
• If he calls on the phone, don’t go out of your way to answer it. Let him leave a message. Or, you if want to be considerate, tell him you won’t be around before-hand.
  
• If you sit by the phone and check your “caller ID” or dial “*69” as if your next breath depended on it, turn the ringer off. Read a book. Rent a movie.
  
• If you live together, leave and go have some fun. And stay out a couple of hours longer than he expected. If he always expects you home at a certain time, come home a little later.
  

The second he doesn’t know where
his woman
is he’ll come looking for you. He’s a hunter. He’ll pursue you. He has an inborn drive that’s very territorial…over
you
. But if you try too hard, you won’t tap that hunger. He’ll be satiated—and that means, you won’t leave him wanting more.

A sense of humor is a sexy quality. Men may not come out and say it, but they notice when you lose that “edge.” In the beginning, you probably bantered with him more and had a quick wit. When the mental challenge goes, so does the sense of humor.

A very effective way to put a man in his place or to keep him in check is with humor. You can let him know in a fun, playful way that your security as a woman doesn’t
depend on him
.

A sense of humor is more than just finding something funny to say; it’s about a person’s composure. It lets people know you are comfortable in your skin. It lets him know you aren’t sprung. The goal is not to become a knee-slapping standup comic; that’s not effective because it makes it seem like you’re trying too hard.