Why Men Love Bitches (32 page)

When the nice girl needs a man too much and puts him on a pedestal, she treats him with a view of himself that
even he
doesn’t hold. And it makes him very uncomfortable because he knows (better than anyone) that he “ain’t no white knight.” But he knows it’s her fantasy, so he gives it the “good ol’ college try.” He makes a forced effort to try to be romantic, and it isn’t long before he begins to question whether she’s being disingenuous, too. He thinks to himself, “
Hmm…
I wonder what she’s really like. She can’t possibly be
that
nice.” Like a low-interest-rate credit card that’s only good for the first month, he’ll start to feel he’s getting the “promo package.” Not the real deal.

With the bitch, it’s straight-up and real. There’s no concern that either side will do a “bait and switch.” He tests her once or twice, and she puts him in his place each time. Then two things happen. First, he says to himself, “This one’s not dumb. She won’t buy my bullcrap.”

Second, he feels as though she’s seen him for who he really is. She’s seen “the worst,” and she likes him anyway. Likewise, he’s seen “the worst” in her, so he doesn’t feel as though there is a surprise “lurking” inside her. When he’s with a bitch, he may be annoyed from time to time, but he believes that what they share is
real.

This attitude directly impacts whether a man will view you as independent. The minute you stop being an independent thinker and he starts having to think for you, you catapult right out of the “driver’s” seat and land right in the “doormat” seat.
The minute someone else can dictate what you think or how you feel about yourself, you are at their mercy.

This attitude also influences success in many other areas. As long as you let someone else make decisions regarding your career, dreams, or aspirations, you’ve limited yourself drastically.
You’ll only be as good as that person allows you to become.

Whether it’s your taste in clothing, your needs in a relationship, or what you do for a living—don’t let anyone else be at the controls. Define yourself.

The minute you become an independent thinker, two things will happen. First, positive people and things will be drawn to you like a magnet. Second, it will serve as a deterrent for negative people who will try to distract you from achieving your goals. There will always be people who will be there to plant negative seeds in your garden,
if you make yourself available for that.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t always involve verbal confrontation. Sometimes it’s about not wasting energy on people who are negative.

This may seem very simple and obvious to a person with self-esteem, but it’s usually the very thing that the nice girl does
not
do. She’ll cosign on the dotted line for a guy who has lousy credit. She’ll sleep with him before knowing his middle name. And above all, she’ll let him decide what her value is as a woman, instead of deciding this for herself.

Kindness is always the first choice. But there are times when you can’t be kind to someone who doesn’t have your best interests in mind. When you see this behavior, it’s appropriate to be kind to
yourself
by responding to it, either by correcting the situation or by not allowing the person to have access to you.

The bitch can be a soft—and very feminine—woman, but she still has a quiet dignity. This woman lets people know in a graceful way that she won’t be easily manipulated. She won’t jump through hoops. And she won’t define herself by what other people think.

A perfect example is my soft-spoken Japanese friend Masae. She’s been living in the United States for less than a year, and she speaks broken English with a Japanese accent. Nevertheless, she’s a wonderful example of the grace and quiet strength that I’m describing.

Masae was seeing an American man named Steven for some time. It was his birthday, so she decided to cook him a Japanese feast. She made miso soup, several types of sushi, and two authentic hot main courses. She was also an exemplary hostess. The only feedback Steven gave was that the soy sauce was too salty. “Next time get the one with the green lid, because it’s lower in sodium.”

Masae was astonished, but she kept her composure. She said to him, with her limited language skills, “I cook for you. But if you complain? I no do for you.” She’s had nothing but praise ever since.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” A positive person will say
positive
things, especially when you aren’t feeling up. When you leave his company, you’ll feel as though your batteries have been recharged. When you meet someone who is truly great, he makes you believe you can be great, too. This is the kind of relationship you want, and it’s the only kind of relationship worth having.

The longer you practice being an independent thinker, the more attractive you’ll be. You’ll put a “magic spell” on a man. A deadly “mojo.” You’ll wake up and feel happier than you’ve ever been. Your aura and your life force will slowly come back.

The media doesn’t perpetuate this; instead they fuel a “cookie cutter” mentality that women are supposed to fit into a box. “Wear this because this is hot.” (Change the channel.)“You have got to get this look.” (Change the channel.) “Say those affirmation jingles: Claim it; then shame it. Own it and condone it…” (Change the channel.) “This organic hair color will turn heads.”

When a woman is secure with herself, she isn’t afraid to define herself and defy public opinion. She has her own look. Her own style. Her own charisma. Her own brand of charm. A man wants something he doesn’t see every day. Not in terms of a redhead versus a blonde. He wants the rare woman
who can think for herself.

When it comes to a commitment or a relationship with most women, many men feel like lion trainers. It’s as though they have to use a chair to get the lions to back away. “Back off…back off…” So when they meet a woman who has the confidence to hold her own—or make them come her way—it has a different effect. They’re not used to it, so they become intrigued.

The bitch isn’t afraid to be different, which is why she won’t be a “booty call” or a pearl on a long string of pearls. She won’t be a man’s late-night convenience. She won’t be doing lap dances. She won’t be afraid to turn thirty or forty years old. At any age, this woman will feel like a “prize.” She won’t be defined by the media’s perception of aging; she won’t be made to feel like defective livestock because she is no longer a teenager. Married, single, or divorced, this woman feels good about herself.

A woman with an exterior that is too tough is not the “new and improved” bitch I’m speaking of. Abrasiveness is
not
the objective. In Italy, there is a very common expression:
È tutto fumo e niente arrosto
. Literally, it means, “There is plenty of smoke, but nothing is getting roasted.” When a woman is too abrasive or too bitchy, or she pretends to be too much of anything, she rarely has anything to back it up. The “new and improved bitch” is truly strong, because she is nice. But she also demands the same kindness in return.

Putting yourself first is not something men resent. On the contrary, a man actually respects it. He feels as though there is far less weight on his shoulders when you are independent, and he doesn’t have to make you happy all the time. He’ll regard you as a secure woman, instead of as a ditsy or flighty woman who doesn’t know what she wants.

Putting yourself first means going back and relearning how to count. In math, the number one comes before the number two (1…2…again…1…2…). You are number one and—are you sitting down?-
he is number two!
Until now, you’ve made the mistake of starting to count at “number two.” Number one wasn’t even counted. You skipped over
numero uno
because you didn’t seem to feel you mattered.

Life is an extension of grade school. A third grader approaches another kid and bullies him. He slaps the kid, steals his lunch money, and runs. The child who won’t be bullied is the child who slaps the bully and takes his lunch money back. (With an extra little slap, just for thinking he could have gotten away with it.)

The
new and improved bitch
understands this principle in adult day-to-day life. People will do the same thing on a daily basis. They’ll try to slap you and run, whether it’s a coworker, a family member, a friend, or yes…even a lover. The only difference is none of these people will try to steal your lunch money. Instead, consciously or not, they’ll steal your self-confidence.

When it comes to believing in yourself, put your eye on the mark and don’t blink. If you have a goal, a dream, or an aspiration…believe in yourself while you are
on the way
to your destination, and you will have already arrived.

Throughout life, people will try to shake your faith
in yourself
. When this happens, remind yourself that the only way they can succeed is if you allow it. When you walk down the street of life, always hold your head high and keep walking. Don’t
ever
let anyone shake your faith in yourself, because that’s really
all
that you have.