Wicked Appetite (16 page)

“I’m out of butter,” I said to Diesel. “Now I can’t make biscuits.”

“Make half a batch,” Diesel said. “Or make something else.”

“We should have stopped at the store.”

“Put the cheese down,” Diesel said.

“Excuse me?”

“You were eating the cheese.”

I looked at the wedge of cheese in my hand. Sure enough, someone had eaten some of it.

“It has my cooties,” I said. “I might as well finish it.”

Diesel snatched the cheese from me. “No.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “It’s
mine
.”

“Not anymore, it isn’t.”

I kicked at him, but he moved away.

“Behave yourself,” Diesel said.

“And if I don’t?” I asked him. “What then? Would you have to punish me? Would you put me over your knee?”

“Uh-oh,” Diesel said. “You’re sounding like Lenny.”

“Lizzy’s been a bad girl,” I said to him. “Lizzy needs a good spanking.”

“Lizzy needs to think about something else,” Diesel said.

“Like what? Handcuffs? Do you have handcuffs? How about this? How about you spank me while I eat an entire jar of peanut butter with my tongue while I’m handcuffed.” Even as I said this, I was feeling ridiculous, but I couldn’t stop the trash from coming out of my mouth. “I’m possessed,” I said to Diesel. “Lenny’s charm’s got me.”

“Yeah,” Diesel said. “This is so pathetic. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. Fantasy number seven and number eight on my bucket list. I’ve got a woman asking me to handcuff her and spank her . . . and I can’t bring myself to do it.”

“Maybe you should just lock me in a closet.”

Diesel wrapped an arm around me and kissed me on the top of my head. “I’d be afraid you’d eat your socks. I’m going to take you to the bakery so Clara and Glo can keep an eye on you while I find a safe place to stash the two charms.”

“I thought you didn’t want to do that.”

“I prefer keeping them on me, but obviously, that’s not working for us.”

Clara had me sitting on a stool in the middle of the bakery kitchen. There was food all around but nothing I could reach. If I got off the stool, Clara and Glo yelled at me to get back. Clara was washing down work spaces, and Glo was tending the shop. Without warning, several of the machines turned themselves on. Excess frosting in the big mixer spewed across the room, the top popped off the blender Clara was using and rasberry puree exploded out at her, and the food processor danced across the counter.

Glo rushed into the kitchen. “Omigosh, did I do this? I was trying to memorize a translation spell, but I might have accidentally read something from the mechanical transportation spell on the next page.”

Personally, I was going with power surge. I didn’t want to think Glo could turn appliances on by mumbling a few words.

Clara pulled the plugs on the blender and the food processor, and the mixer shut itself off. Puree dripped off Clara’s nose, and her hair was dotted with butter cream frosting.

Clara put two hands flat on the island and did a ten-count. She took a deep, cleansing breath and looked at Glo. “Isn’t it time for you to go home?”

“Officially, I have ten minutes left on the time clock,” Glo said.

“I’m excusing you early. If you don’t leave in the next two minutes, I might strangle you.”

“That’s excellent,” Glo said, “because I thought I’d visit Shirley as soon as I got off work. I’m pretty sure I found a translation spell. It won’t reverse the spell I put on Shirley, but it will translate gobbledegook.”

“You should leave bad enough alone,” Clara said to Glo. “If the spell doesn’t work, it could make things worse.”

Glo tucked her book under her arm and hung her tote bag on her shoulder. “Yes, but if it
does
work, it’ll get Shirley talking again.”

“Take Lizzy with you,” Clara said. “I can’t watch her and clean up this mess at the same time.”

Glo drove a slightly used Mini Cooper that had been painted to look like a yellow cab. We squeezed ourselves into the car, and Glo drove the short distance to Shirley’s apartment.

“I hope she’s home,” Glo said, parking at the curb, looking
over at Shirley’s building. “I really think I’ve got it this time.”

We took the stairs, and Glo led the way down the hall to Shirley’s door. I knocked, and Shirley answered immediately.

“Beetle ears,” Shirley said, all cheerful.

I looked past her and saw she was at work packing food into cardboard boxes and grocery bags. There were boxes loaded with Pop-Tarts, jars of jam, bags of cookies, canned corn, tomato sauce, and mayonnaise. It was a glutton dream come true, and I felt my heart quicken and my eyes glaze over.

“What are you doing with all this stuff?” Glo asked Shirley.

“Shoe horn for poor poopers.”

“That’s nice,” Glo said. “They’ll be happy to get all this.”

“Anyone would be happy to get this,” I said. “Poor poopers, rich poopers, and in-between poopers.” I ran my hand lovingly over the grocery bag filled with candy bars. “I could help you deliver this,” I said to Shirley. “I’d be happy to take it off your hands.”

“Don’t give it to her,” Glo said. “She’ll eat it. She caught your gluttony.”

“Blek?” Shirley asked.

“Yes,” I said. “But it wears off if I stay away from the ladybug.”

“Booger bug,” Shirley said.

Glo nodded in agreement. “Anyway, we came over today
because I have a spell that’ll fix the scramble spell I accidentally put on you.”

Shirley looked skeptical. “Icky wiggle waggle,” she said.

“Don’t worry,” Glo said. “It’s foolproof. I don’t need powdered yak brain or anything.” She opened Ripple’s book and found her page. “Turn around word and talk not tongue. Shirley More speaketh now not gobbledegook, gobbledegook, gobbledegook but only gobble, gobble, gobble.”

Glo and I held our breath and watched Shirley.

“Say something,” Glo told her.

“Gobble.”

“That’s not funny,” Glo told her.

“Gobble, gobble, gobble.” Shirley’s face turned red. “Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble!”

“I’m sure I read it perfectly,” Glo said. “How many gobbles did I say?”

“I think there were three.”

“And three gobbledegooks, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Honestly,” Glo said. “This is so annoying.”

Shirley stamped her foot and balled her hands into fists. She whirled around and huffed off to her bedroom.

“Oh boy,” Glo said. “We need to get out of here before she comes back with the gun.”

We ran for the door, sprinted down the hall, and flew down the stairs. We jumped into the Mini and roared away from the curb and down the road.

“So how’s it going with Mister Tall, Blond, and Ferociously Handsome?” Glo asked.

“I don’t know. He gets close, and he smells good, and he feels good, and I think he’s going to kiss me, and then he doesn’t. And sometimes he just scares the heck out of me. I mean, he’s not normal.”

“Yeah, but he’s not normal in a good way. I bet he’s got an Unmentionable schvansticker.”

“I don’t want to think about his schvansticker. It’s enough to give me a panic attack.”

Glo nodded in agreement. “It could be formidable.”

“That’s not what panics me. It’s
him
. He’s so big and confident and good at flirting.”

“And?”

“And I’m such a dope. I’m
not
good at flirting. And I’m
really not
good at being sexy. I’m out of practice.”

“Really? How long has it been since . . . you know?”

“Years.”

“Get out! Years?”

“I’ve been busy. I worked long hours at the restaurant in New York. I was tired a lot. And I didn’t like any of the men I met.”

Glo nodded in agreement. “I know. It’s hard to meet nice men. Either they’re married, or else they’ve got nails driven into their heads.”

“You know men with nails in their heads?”

“I’m a magnet for them. Go figure.”

Glo stopped at Lafayette Street. “Will you be okay if I take you home? I’d offer to stay with you, but I have a date tonight.”

“I’ll be fine,” I told her. “Does he have a nail in his head?”

“No. He’s adorable. I met him at the car wash. He’s the interior specialist.”

The house was quiet when I got home. Diesel and Carl were still off hiding the charms. The Spook Patrol hadn’t returned. Cat 7143 met me at the door, looking relieved to see that I was alone.

“Were you my Great Aunt Ophelia’s cat?” I asked him.

Cat looked at me and blinked.

“I’m going to take that as a
yes
,” I told Cat.

I wasn’t hungry anymore, and I had no desire to be spanked. All good things. I found my notebook right where I left it, open on the kitchen counter. I selected a recipe that didn’t require butter and went to work. An hour later, Diesel walked into the kitchen with Carl close on his heels.

“It smells good in here,” Diesel said. “What are you making?”

“Corn muffins. They just came out of the oven.”

“Doesn’t look like you’ve eaten any.”

“I don’t ever want to eat again.”

Diesel selected a muffin and ate half. “This is delicious.”

“I added roasted corn and jalapeños to that batch.”

“Eep?” Carl asked.

Diesel gave him the remaining half muffin. Carl crammed it all into his mouth, and crumbs fell out onto the floor.

“You need to learn table manners,” Diesel said to Carl.

Carl thought about it a beat and gave Diesel the finger.

“I’m surprised you get along so well with Carl,” I said to Diesel. “You don’t strike me as being a monkey person.”

“I can take ’em or leave ’em,” Diesel said. “I guess I’ve always been more of a dog person. Dogs eat shoes and burp and dig holes in the backyard. I can relate to all that.”

Carl stuck his belly out, opened his mouth wide, and burped.

“Good one,” Diesel said. “But you’re going back to Monkey Rescue if you eat my shoes.”

I cleaned the crumbs up. “I’ve been thinking about Mark and how he saves things and pushes them around with his backhoe. It reminds me of Uncle Scrooge.”

Diesel was blank-face.

“Didn’t you ever read Donald Duck comics when you were a kid?” I asked him.

“No. I read Spider-Man and Swamp Thing.”

“Figures. Long story short is that Scrooge was Donald’s rich uncle. Scrooge hoarded money and treasures in a big money bin, and he pushed it all around with a bulldozer. But here’s the good part. The first dime he ever made he kept with him because it was his lucky dime.”

Diesel selected another muffin. “So you’re saying you think
Mark keeps his inheritance close to him, like Scrooge’s dime.”

“Yes.”

“It’s as good a theory as any.”

I checked the time. “When do you suppose Mark goes home?”

“Hard to say. If he leaves at the close of business, he should be home now. If he stays to rearrange his lock collection, he could be at work all night.” Diesel’s phone rang, and he looked at the readout. “Bingo,” Diesel said.

He had a short conversation, paused, and the line of his mouth tightened. He listened for a beat and disconnected.

“What was that about?” I asked.

“Mark was home. Borderline hysterical. He asked if I thought it was Wulf who made the mess. I said it was possible. He said he was scared. Didn’t know what to do. And then he said
oh no
! There was a sound like a gunshot or small explosion and the line went dead.”

I felt my heart constrict, and I bit into my lower lip. Before I met Diesel, the only danger I’d experienced was exposure to carving knives and horny line cooks. Now I was involved in explosions and abductions and who-knows-what-else. My stomach got sick just thinking about it.

Diesel dialed Mark’s number and let it ring. No answer.

“We need to go over there,” Diesel said.

“I don’t want to go over there. I wasn’t cut out for this. I
never wanted to be G.I. Joe or Wonder Woman. I wanted to be Julia Child.”

Diesel took one last muffin, turned to leave, and spotted Cat sitting in the doorway. “Cat looks hungry.”

I put half a muffin in Cat’s food dish and plastic-bagged the rest. Carl climbed down from the top of the refrigerator, gave wide berth to Cat, and followed us out the door to Diesel’s SUV.

“I’m having an identity crisis,” Diesel said, pulling away from the house. “I’m used to flying solo. Now, every time I look in my rearview mirror, I see a monkey. It’s like having a hairy little kid back there. I’m starting to feel like a family man with a mutated gene pool.”

“Do you like it?”

“No.”

“Maybe you could think of him as a partner.”