Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (17 page)

JOHN 21:15-17

After looking at John one day, I found my interest sparked by Peter. In John 18, Peter denied Christ three times. Then in John 21, Jesus asked if Peter loved him three times. I love the symbolism here, and again, God brings more than one purpose to light.

Just as Peter denied Christ three times, Jesus gave Peter the chance to choose Him three times, thereby reaffirming Peter’s place in relationship to God’s kingdom and also to Christ Himself. If we dig a little deeper, though, into the original Greek words, we find another layer of meaning, because two different Greek words are both translated as “love.”

The first time Christ asked Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” He used the Greek word
agape
, which describes a love that is volitional (a choice) and self-sacrificing. Peter answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” But in this verse, he uses the Greek word
phileo
, which means a brotherly love with common interests.

The second time Christ asked Peter the same question, He again used the word
agape
. And again, Peter answered by using
phileo
. Finally, when Jesus asked Peter the same question for a third time, He too used
phileo
. In a sense He was asking Peter, “Are you really my friend?” Peter didn’t quite seem to catch on to what Jesus was really asking him and, though hurt,
Peter affirmed his love for Christ, using the same word he had the previous two times:
phileo
.

I almost wonder if Peter was afraid to confess such devotion. Had he really had time to process the fact that the man he had once professed was the Messiah, then denied and watched crucified, had truly come back to life? He and the other disciples had gone from the mountaintop experience of being in the presence of the Son of God on a daily basis, to what they perceived as all their hopes broken just as Christ’s body had been. Perhaps Peter struggled with his belief or, more importantly, was afraid to hope.

Phileo
love is a relatively easy place to be. We can love someone who likes the same things we do, thinks the same way we do and especially shares the same beliefs we do. But in an unequally yoked marriage, this form of love doesn’t work for long. (And I believe this is true for marriage in general.) We aren’t in such a mutual relationship. Our spouse doesn’t share our same beliefs and thus the grounds for the
phileo
form of love can turn into bitter resentment.

So Christ calls us to an
agape
form of love—a love based upon a decision, not a feeling; a love that is self-sacrificing, not self-serving.

Which form of love we profess is determined by our motivation.
Phileo
love implies affiliation for mutual benefit.
Agape
love is a commitment without expectation of anything in return. We’re either smack dab in the middle of it, looking to satisfy our own needs through mutual affiliation, or we’re not even looking to ourselves but have turned our eyes upward and have decided to love that person no matter the cost.

Just like Christ did for us.

By the time Peter wrote the letters we find in the Bible, his love for Jesus had clearly become
agape
love. He was a man totally sold out for Christ. Perhaps walking with his Savior and
being empowered by the Holy Spirit enabled him to overcome whatever reservations remained in his human heart.

My guess is that Peter made the choice to love as Christ had asked him to and then trusted Jesus to supply the ability to do so. And perhaps what Jesus was really asking Peter that fateful day was not “Do you love me?” but “Do you choose to love me?”

He asks us this too. Do we choose to love Jesus beyond ourselves, to move past our own self-centered interests and even be willing to sacrifice our expectations? And, by asking us this, He also asks us to choose to love our husbands, to let go of our own agendas and interests and put what’s at stake at the fore-front of our concerns. He asks us to make the choice to love, no matter what.

When we are willing to sacrifice an easier path to be a part of whatever it takes to bring our husbands to faith, then and only then can we pray the most dangerous prayer.

And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?

ESTHER 4:14

It’s birthed in the deepest recesses of our heart and then moves with our silent yearnings to a hidden place in our thoughts. We dare to consider the cost of what it may mean or require of us, until we finally submit and give voice to this most dangerous prayer:

Lord, do whatever it takes to bring my husband to Christ
.

Among the unequally yoked there is an unspoken enormity to this prayer. We understand the journey it takes deep
within ourselves to finally speak it—to pray it with sincerity, knowing full well that we have no idea what we may have unleashed. It comes from a place of near desperation and complete trust in God.

We are willing to risk it all.

At times the urgency of this prayer fills me with such desperation, I can hardly breathe. And when I am overcome by it, God tells me that this is just the minutest fraction of what He feels for my husband. Can you imagine?

Can you imagine a love that wild and all consuming? God feels that way about us, and He pursued us then just as He is pursuing our husband now. (Talk about really leaving a girl breathless!) This kind of love never fails. It’s always there, protecting and watching. He’s got our backs (see Isa. 58:8). We just have to trust Him and let go of our expectations, preconceived ideas, and fears. He will equip us to handle whatever comes. Can you believe that?

Amazingly, we’ll find we are the ones changed the most by this prayer. At first, what we may have thought unfair now appears to be part of a grand plan. With each pruning, God strengthens our trust and reliance on Him. He shows us our fallen nature.

What are you willing to risk for your unbelieving husband to know Jesus? What are you willing to pray for him? Are you willing to walk into the unknown realm of God’s will and trust Him completely with the outcome, no matter how you’re affected in the process? It’s a scary question to ponder.

When I worry what this prayer will cost me, I remind myself that God will equip me for whatever comes. That’s been the whole point of this time of preparation (like John). Then I remember that God made the greatest sacrifice. He already paid the highest cost of all with His Son. And nothing I could lose can compare to that.

During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek
.

HEBREWS 5:7-10

From birth to death, Christ’s life was a series of trials of preparation. Though we know few details of Jesus’ life growing up, we can reasonably conclude that God wouldn’t have made His Son’s life easier than any other human’s. Like us, Jesus learned obedience and submission from His sufferings, as it says in Hebrews 5:8. Perhaps this represents the human side of His deity, one so critical to His sacrifice being legitimized in a very human and broken state. We more easily identify and welcome someone who knows and understands from experience our own trials.

God prepared His Son for what lay ahead and equipped Him for every step along the way to the cross. We can expect the same preparation as His children and co-heirs with Christ. Whether it’s persevering through the storms in our life, meeting the challenge of a new calling or praying the most dangerous prayer to bring our husbands to Christ, God will equip and prepare us just like He prepared Jesus.

In our life of trials, we can look to Jesus and see the pattern of preparation. And perhaps therein lies our joy—in knowing that God the Father loves us as much as He loves His Son and is preparing us for the destiny He has planned for each of us. And for our husbands.

There is an indescribable joy and sense of completeness in looking back through past trials and realizing how God meant
every one for our good. He not only prepares us for the trials but also uses each one as training for the next.

In Ephesians 2:10, Paul says, “We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ever heard the saying, “God never gives us more than we can handle”? That’s because He prepares us. Trust in it; look for it. I promise you, it’s there.

God wants us to walk forward in the trust and belief that He has prepared us or will prepare us for whatever comes. He’s set everything in place to bring us through every trial we face. He’s equipped each of us to walk the path of our spiritually mismatched marriage and to persevere no matter how long the journey may take—no matter how long we wind up waiting for our prayer to be answered.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you
.

MATTHEW 7:7

Unanswered prayers . . . what do we do about them? How do we change them to answered ones? Sometimes we wonder why God doesn’t seem to hear or answer our prayers, whether they are for our husband’s salvation, a stronghold in our lives, or something else that sits in our life day after day, seemingly unchanged. That may be how we feel, but it’s far from the truth.

First, let’s go to the root of the lie that God doesn’t answer a prayer because He doesn’t hear it or care about it. Psalm 17:6 tells us the opposite is true:

I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray (
NLT
).

As a writer, I have a fascination with words, and their meaning and order have a tendency to capture my attention. The first part of this verse affirms the truth. The psalmist doesn’t start with the request to be heard but first states the truth: he will not only be heard by God but will be answered as well.

Remember the story of Hagar? In Genesis 16, God hears her cries and even tells her to name her son Ishmael, which means “God hears” (see Gen. 16:11).

In the book of Exodus, God heard the grumblings of the Israelites over and over again. In fact, throughout the Bible, we see God repeatedly telling His people, “I have heard you.”

So let’s establish that, although it may seem as if God doesn’t hear us, He
does
. Some may argue that unforgiven sin or habitual sins block this communication. That may be true of us hearing God, but I don’t believe it incapacitates God’s ability to hear us. We’re the ones who clog the communication pipeline.

Now, with that established, let’s explore our faith in terms of prayer. The act of prayer is also an act of faith. We believe God is good. First John 4:7-21 particularly speaks of God’s love; namely that He loved us first. Let that soak in for a minute, because I believe it’s critical to a Christian’s ongoing faith walk. We must believe God loves us and always has our best interests at heart.

Not only that, but He also sees the big picture. He knows our past, our present and our future. He knows what we will face down the road, and He knows what we will need to do to actually get down to it. He knows and does all this not just for us, but for others as well.

If you haven’t yet discovered how intertwined we are as the Body of Christ, you will one day, of that I have no doubt. Let me give you an example. Years ago, I wanted to start a women’s ministry at my church with another person who I thought would be perfect for it. Yet when I prayed about it, God remained mysteriously silent. He had been pretty clear about
starting this group, so why was He not saying anything now?

The answer came a few weeks later when this person who I had thought would be perfect to partner with turned from her faith and walked away from the church. How could I have missed that coming? Based on past and present interaction with this person, I thought the new ministry project would have been a done deal. But God knew the future. He knew what could happen. Yet until this person made her decision and chose her path (sadly), He could not tell me to move forward.

In other words, this situation wasn’t just about me. Another person’s decisions and choices played into the picture. To move sooner might have had tragic results. Instead of a ministry that’s still thriving today, it could have been tarnished and could have failed.

I would like to present this question to you: Is it possible that God hasn’t answered your prayer for your husband because He is accomplishing something else in him or your situation that is critical to how this prayer is to be answered? Is it possible He’s doing this work not just in your husband, but in you as well?

So I ask you again: How do we change unanswered prayers to answered ones? Actually, we don’t. However, if we change our thinking to believe that God hears and answers all prayers, and if we change our attitude from assuming defeat to expecting victory, then we choose to trust and wait for God to present His answer in His time.

I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God
.

PSALM 38:15

If anything, we see throughout the Bible that God’s people are often in some state of waiting. In fact, I’ve yet to meet someone
who isn’t in some sort of holding pattern. As Christians, aren’t we all, in one form or another, waiting to one day meet Jesus?

We’re all waiting for something. And I’m finding in this time of waiting that the most growth occurs, which seems like it would be the other way around.

Waiting is one of the most difficult places for us to be. We’re impatient by nature. Waiting takes patience, which is hard to do in a world so focused on how fast something can be done. We’re becoming a culture of impatient people. I see it in my own children. But I know from experience that waiting is critical in our walk with God.