Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (18 page)

But what’s so amazing is that God waits too. Did you know that? Take a look at Isaiah 30:18:

Yet the L
ORD
longs to be gracious to you;

he rises to show you compassion.

For the L
ORD
is a God of justice.

Blessed are all who wait for him! (
NIV
).

Therefore the L
ORD
waits to be gracious to you,

and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the L
ORD
is a God of justice;

blessed are all those who wait for him (
ESV
).

I included the
English Standard Version
, which runs very close to the
King James
translation, because it uses the word “waits” instead of “longs.” The original Hebrew word is
chakah
, which means to long, wait or tarry.

I don’t profess to be a Bible scholar, but I found this most interesting. The root of
chakah
is related to the Hebrew word
chaqah
, which means carved or engraved in relation to piercing. Now take a look at Isaiah 49:16:

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.

The original Hebrew word for “engraved” is
chaqah
, the same word that’s related to
chakah
, which means to long, wait or tarry.

I know this might be a stretch, but is it possible that God engraved us on His hands because He longs and waits for us and He waits for our unbelieving loved ones as well? I don’t know about you, but to think that not only are we engraved upon God’s hands but those He waits for are there as well just blows me away. Make a mental picture of your unbelieving spouse’s name engraved upon the hand of God. And if I may make one more leap, I wonder if this engraving resembles the nail holes that pierced the hands of Christ—similar to the relation between
chakah
and
chaqah
. I hope that gives you chills like it did me.

But I have one final connection for you, and it’s the biggest example we have of God waiting and longing: God sent His Son Jesus to us at just the right time. He didn’t do it as soon as man fell from grace in the Garden of Eden. He didn’t send the Messiah when the Israelites were captives in Egypt. No, He waited until the perfect moment in His timing, longing for us every step of the way with our names engraved on His hands.

God waited to send His Son. For you. For me. And for our unbelieving husbands.

You know the saying “Save the best for last”? Sometimes the best can also be the hardest. Lynn and I understand how difficult it may be for you to pray this most dangerous prayer right now. Trust God to show you how to get there. He will, in His time. Pray along those lines before you answer the questions below.

1. Reflecting on the lives of John and Peter, what do you see as most significant in each man’s mission? What doubts did each man have? What strengths?

2. Do you believe God is, can or will use you to reveal His Son to your husband?

3. What holds you back from praying the most dangerous prayer? What are you most afraid of? Make a list of your fears and bring them to God. Pray over each one and ask Him to show you the truth.

4. Reflect over past trials and look for ways God prepared you for them. How did each event change you and prepare you for the next trial?

5. Read Romans 5:3-5. What keeps you from believing that God will prepare you to handle whatever is necessary to bring your husband to faith?

6. Pull out your list of unanswered prayers from
chapter 4
. For that third column, what are some possible reasons why it isn’t time for each prayer to be answered yet? Write those reasons in that column.

Waiting can be the most difficult part of our faith. Using an online resource or a concordance, look up Scriptures that deal with waiting and hoping (for example, Gen. 49:18; Pss. 31:24; 37:7,9; 59:9; Lam. 3:25; Eph. 4:4; 1 Pet. 1:3; Heb. 10:23). Write down the ones that speak to you most on index cards (your favorite color, of course!) and memorize them.

Lord, You are so amazing in Your love for me! I trust You with my life and I trust You with my husband. I give this precious man into Your hands and wait at Your feet for Your
instructions on how I can be a part of Your plan for him. Lord, when I falter, help me look upward and remember that I am not responsible for the results. You ask for my obedience, which I willingly give You. Give me the strength and courage to pray this most dangerous prayer, and help me to trust You completely for the rest. Not my will, Lord, but Yours be done in the life of my precious husband. In Christ’s holy name, amen
.

We pray that these 10 keys have begun to revolutionize your marriage and your faith. The journey that you’re on is one that most certainly will have challenges, but don’t stop learning how to apply these keys to all areas of your life and marriage. God wants to do an amazing work in your husband’s life. We can think of no greater calling than to be a part of God’s plan in helping him find his way to Christ.

Think of this book as a reference tool that you can use whenever you need a reminder or encouragement. And remember that God’s Word is our greatest ally. Let the Holy Spirit continue to work in you, your marriage and your husband.

One final note worth mentioning is that if you are in a marriage where abuse and addiction have a foothold, we strongly encourage you to seek Christian counseling. God does not intend for us to stay in situations that are a threat to our safety. That does not mean God can’t work to save and heal the marriage, but in cases like these, sometimes a temporary separation is the safest and best answer.

Our challenges in a spiritually mismatched marriage will continue, but with constant application of these 10 keys, you can thrive in your marriage and grow closer to the God who knows and loves you deeply. Make the commitment to walk with God on this journey and trust in His plan for your marriage. You will find that over time, your journey will get easier as you grow in confidence that God has your husband firmly in
His hand—as He does you and the rest of your family. Your calling is simply to love this man in your life and love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. Leave the rest to God.

Anything worth pursuing in this life takes time, work and, often, tears. Sometimes a lot of them. But God sees each one and will reward you for your faithfulness. He cares about every detail of your life, and He is working all things out for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Remember, you are chosen for a high calling, and you have a front-row seat to watch the astonishing unfold. So, pull up that chair, my friend, and enjoy this crazy, challenging but fantastic journey. The best is yet to come, and it’s all because of Jesus.

Keep your eyes on God, and get ready to experience His wild hope.

Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it
.

PROVERBS 22:6

I remember the first time I felt genuine fear about my daughter’s salvation. She was only five years old. It was a hot summer day, and I sat in the kitchen with my husband. As I sipped my coffee that morning, I thought about how our baby girl, now five, would be starting kindergarten in a few months. In my mind, I had always assumed that we would send our daughter to the faith-based private school near our home. I made this assumption because up until then, my husband had been pleased with my decisions in regard to child care and rarely had anything to say about my choices in the matter. I bet you know where this is going.

I spoke over my steaming cup and casually broached the subject of registering our daughter at the private school. To my complete surprise, I was broadsided by an emotionally charged and unforeseen response.

“I don’t want my daughter attending private school. I want her in public school.” He stated flatly and firmly. Translation: She is not going to a religious school.

I lowered my cup. I can assure you, he was staring across the table at a woman who resembled a deer in headlights. I fidgeted
with the tablecloth, trying to conceal my astonishment. His words hung thick in the air, firm and resolute. Shaken but not down for the count, I quickly gathered my wits and set out to help him see the error in his thinking. I laid out every conceivable benefit of private school. I conveniently omitted the spiritual element from the conversation. I saw no need to go down that path if I wanted to win this argument. I worked my position to convince him of the substantial value of a private education. After all, I was certain it was the best and obvious place to educate our girl. My true motive, of course, was my desire to give our daughter spiritual training, which I knew would rub him the wrong way. My logic was flawless, and I was certain he would cave in to my wishes after my clever and convincing reasoning.

He would have none of it.

The conversation ended. I relented, grudgingly; however, it was the right thing to do for our marriage. A few days later, the Lord brought “that” verse to my attention. You know the verse. It can make a wife cringe. Yes, the dreaded Ephesians 5:23 passage:

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

I had compromised. I didn’t like it. Not one little bit. But the Lord truly knows what’s best, and He reminded me that my obedience to His Word honors Him and opens a door for the Holy Spirit to work in my husband.

For weeks following this exchange, I couldn’t shake my fear over my daughter’s spiritual future. I worried if she would grow up to love Jesus. For the first time I contemplated the dreaded question that all believing parents who live in a mismatched home ask themselves,
Is it possible to raise children in a
home where Daddy doesn’t believe in Jesus? Will this home sacrifice my child’s eternity?

As a believer in Christ and as a mother, our thoughts and prayers for our children’s eternity consume many hours. We fret over their future. We pray from a mother’s earnest heart for our kids to know God. We beg the Lord to cement their salvation. And in the back of our minds, we are desperate to find a way to teach our kids about Christ as well as maintain peace in our marriage. It can appear to be an impossible mission.

Over the many years I have spent walking with the Lord, I have discovered a few truths. One of them is that it
is
possible to raise kids to believe in Jesus, even when Dad doesn’t. You, as the believing parent, can help your children find and follow Jesus. These truths are trustworthy and doable, even in a spiritually mismatched home.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength
.

MARK 12:30

The most powerful thing we can do to help our children love Jesus is to love Jesus ourselves. When we love Jesus with our entire heart, soul, mind and strength, we become contagious. In fact, that kind of love makes us irresistible.

When the love of God completely fills our hearts, it will seep out through ordinary daily life in subtle yet effective ways, thereby influencing our kids. I have found this to be particularly true with regard to menial events like cooking dinner, helping with homework, driving to a soccer game, to name a few. Our children possess an extremely watchful eye. They perceive more than we realize. They scrutinize our behavior and
motives, determining if what Mom says Sunday morning, she lives out during the week. This can be a frightening thought or an empowering one.

Do you remember that in the second chapter of this book, I shared with you the most important time of my day? It is my daily appointment with the King. For years, I thought this early morning meeting with the Lord was just for me alone. However, a few years ago I discovered that my time alone with God has left a profound mark upon my daughter’s life.

On any given morning, even now that she has grown to be a teenager, she will shuffle from her bedroom out to the family room where I sit in my robe, sipping strong coffee and reading my Bible. She ambles toward me, plops on the couch, leans against my side, pulls her cold feet under her and then gently rests her head on my shoulder. I subconsciously reach down and stroke her long hair. She is quiet and respectful as I read and pray.

She watches. She perceives.

To her way of thinking, sacrificing sleep to rise early every morning to meet with Jesus must mean I honestly love Him. It’s that simple. She doesn’t doubt my love for Christ, even when I lose my temper later in the day or when I fail to be patient or kind or even when I mumble “Idiot” when a car cuts me off on the freeway. Her faith is strengthened as she observes how I make the Lord a priority. Because my faith is real and prominent in my life, her faith has become real and vitally important in her life. My daily Bible reading and prayer time is a silent witness to my child. It has been the most powerful witness to the truth of Jesus Christ she will likely see.

You cannot impart what you do not possess. Our love for Jesus must be so contagious, so authentic, it can’t help but rub off on our loved ones. When kids see us loving God in this way, they begin to love Him too. Don’t worry so much that Dad is
not a follower. Don’t panic if he becomes hostile or even demands that the kids never attend church. You keep loving Jesus.

When I was a younger mom, I used to view the mundane task of driving my kids to school as a pain. I was working at a bank then, and it was a giant hassle to get through traffic, heading in the opposite direction of my office to take my son and daughter to school. Sheesh! However, after just a few short months of driving my son and then my daughter, I made a brilliant discovery. My car was a God opportunity. Sometimes my car was a prayer bus. Once in a while, it served as a confessional. Often our little isolated cab became a place where life lessons were received with an open heart and mind. It’s amazing what can transpire when you have a captive audience. There’s no escape from a moving car, and as it turns out, our prayer bus became a rich blessing in the life of our family.