Without You (4 page)

“I don’t know what needs to be said,” I told her. And I really didn’t. “It’s not like I talked to him. I saw him. He may have seen me.” Now, that was a lie. I knew he spotted me. My eyes locked on his for what seemed like eternity before I was able to break the stare. “Now, I’m home. And he’s...wherever he is. That’s it.”

Slapping her hand on the counter, Genna sighed dramatically. “That’s it?” she yelled. “That’s
it
? Did you hear that song? Did you listen to the words? Did you hear the pain in his voice? Did you see how hot he looked?”

The rapid fire of questions had me amped up and ready to shout, or cry. Or something.

“No, I didn’t.” I lied again. Of course, I heard, saw, and felt all those things. I wasn’t deaf. I wasn’t stupid. I most certainly wasn’t blind. The man had grown out of his edgy, artsy style and straight into the tailored digs of a pop star. He was hot. Smoking as a matter of fact in all black: fitted jeans, snug V-neck shirt, and leather jacket. Sexy yet comfortable all the way down to his Adidas sneakers. And fuck me, that fedora sat perfectly on his head making my freaking toes curl. I could see tufts of his brown hair peeking out of the back and thoughts of my hands threading through his thick locks caused my breath to get caught in my throat. Genna raised her brows again. “Okay, fine. I did, but it doesn’t matter. Even if the song was about me, it’s over. It’s too late.” It’s not like he was knocking down my door trying to talk to me about the song or his feelings. He sang the damn thing at an open mic, not intending for me to hear it.

“Yes, it does matter. Mads, he came back. He’s home again and he wrote you a song. One that will have every woman in the world shedding a tear, and every man running to the store to buy his woman flowers before it’s too late and he’s all alone forever.”

“Like Evan?” I couldn’t help but question her. Evan had been far from lonely. The man had a different woman on his arm at every stop on his tour. A new city, a new girl. That seemed to be a motto he had lived by. Until recently, his face and flavor of the week had been plastered on the cover of every tabloid, celebrity news magazine on the rack. No matter how hard I tried to avoid Evan James, he was always right there staring back at me with his sexy grin and mesmerizing eyes. If it hadn’t been for the slew of half-naked women draped across him, I might have gone to him, found him and told him that I’d changed my mind.

But the fact was simple. Evan James had moved on. I wasn’t a second thought to him. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose you could have said. So, beautiful song about love lost and a life of regret or not, I wasn’t about to waste my time crying over Evan James again. Not this time.

Genna threw up her hands, looking up to the ceiling as if in prayer. “Why must you be so difficult? You know you still love him and you know he still loves you. He wouldn’t have written that song if he didn’t. You know him better than me and you know that song meant something to him. You could hear it in his voice. The man is hurting and you’re the damn medicine he needs to heal.”

Evan’s words were not lost on me. I knew exactly what they meant. Hearing them hurt me just the same. However, my friend had to be out of her damn mind if she thought I was going to run back into his arms and live our supposed happily ever after.

“Gen, I swear, I love you but I could kick your ass right now. How can you make me out to be the bad guy? He left, Genna. He left. And now you think that just because he sang some sappy song, I’m supposed to just melt and tell him everything will be okay. That’s not going to happen.” Tears threatened to spill over my eyelids, but I tried like hell to hold them back. I opened my mouth to speak again, but the words got caught in my throat. “He left.”

My friend shook her head. “Because you told him to, Maddy.”

“What choice did I have?” There was no use fighting it, the tears started flowing. Again.

“You could have gone with him. You
should
have gone with him. You aren’t me, Maddy. I got to see things from both sides. I got to see your heart break, but I also got to see his. I completely understand why you would be skeptical. I get it. He hurt you. But dammit, he was young and stupid at the time. I’m sure it didn’t take but a few days on the road for him to realize he was wrong and fucked it up.” She paused for a minute to catch her breath and gather her thoughts. “Luke and I were there for you, but we were there for him, too. He was away from home, his family, his friends, and he had just lost the love of his life. Shit was not easy for him.”

“Yeah, it looked really hard for him to fuck his way through Hollywood.” I huffed out a breath of air, scoffing at her for trying to make me feel bad.

“Sure, Mads, I saw the magazines just like you did. But what you didn’t see was the emptiness in his eyes. You were too broken to see that he was too. Yeah, there were women, just like you dated. But you two are more similar than you think. He didn’t feel jack for anyone, just like you didn’t. It’s all been an act. Neither one of you has been able to move on, and you know it. If he’s come back for you, then you owe it to yourself and to him to figure it out. You two were meant to be together. If there was ever such a thing as soul mates, then you guys are proof that it exists. And I don’t give a shit how sappy that sounds. It’s true. You’re fucking soul mates,” she said, getting choked up, which was highly unusual for Genna. She was a bad ass. A rock. But for some crazy reason, I thought Genna’s heart broke too when Evan and I broke up. She was there from the beginning, my best friend watching our love grow from the first time he talked to me in class that day to the time he left me behind. She had always envied the love we had and would often tell Luke that he better love her the way Evan loved me. Completely and passionately.

Ironic, right? Luke and Genna were about to get married and she had envied Evan and me. The couple that was so in love that they thought they had it all, until it was all gone and nothing was left but heartbreak, tears, and lonely nights.

Yes, I could have gone with him, but I chose not to. Going on tour with him, living in a big bus with a crew full of men traipsing across the country had no appeal to me. And while Evan asked, I just couldn’t believe he really wanted me there. Since his career had skyrocketed, he had become distant. The little things he used to do were a faint memory. He forgot important dates. He forgot to call. He was too busy for anything, and when we did go out, he was always busy talking business, while I felt like a single woman again. I could have said something, made him see how he was making me feel, but I really didn’t like how I felt either. I was proud of his success. He had worked so hard for it, but I also felt alone. And if I felt alone at home, I couldn’t imagine how I would have felt going on tour with him. Eventually my silence would break and who knew what would happen. Part of me thought he would choose me, and give up his new world. I didn’t want to be the reason he gave up a huge career in music. I knew I’d only hold him back. I loved him enough to let him go. Despite how it shattered me.

The other part of me was scared that he wouldn’t choose me at all. He would end it completely, realizing I wasn’t worth his time. And he did just that when he gave me that fucked-up ultimatum. All or nothing. “Come with me, Sunshine,” he had pleaded. “If you don’t, I can’t see how we can stay together. We may as well say goodbye.”

So, I did. I said goodbye to the love of my life and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. For months, I thought I was going to die I was so crushed. Then, the tour got underway and so did Evan’s man-whoring lifestyle. Nothing like watching your ex on TMZ with his tongue down some leggy blonde’s throat to mend a broken heart. Although the photos hadn’t started as soon as he was on tour, it had felt like it to me. He. Had. Moved. On. And I... I was just... broken.

“Well, it’s over, Gen. It was a beautiful song. I’m sure it will race to the top of the billboard charts in no time, but that’s it. Evan and I have been over for years. I’m with Michael now, and it’s not as if I have to see Evan anyway. The chances of us running into each other again are slim to none.”

Genna winced, a dark shade of pink spreading from her cheeks down to her neck. “Well, about that. You see, the chances aren’t so slim after all.”

* * * * *

T
he nerve of my friends. I couldn’t believe they thought it would be okay to ask Evan to take over as the best man. They had to be out of their god-forsaken minds if they thought I was going to roll over and be okay with this. I had seen Genna’s checklist. I knew what it entailed and I’d be damned if I was going to spend the next four weeks being chummy with him because my friends didn’t care if they were being cruel to me.

A long-winded sigh escaped from deep down in my throat. It was more like the growl of a bear with the way I was feeling. Damned and all, I knew I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Genna was my best friend, and she was getting married to my other best friend. It’s not as if I could protest even if I did want to throw myself on the floor kicking and screaming. Until then, she had been the kindest bride I had ever known, I couldn’t just sprout scales and a long tail and turn into Maid-of-Honor-zilla.

A month. Four weeks. Twenty-eight days. Well, thirty if we were being exact. That’s how long Evan was going to be thrown in my direction. We’d have to act civilly, speak to each other, rub elbows... Eff me, the thoughts of rubbing elbows with the man had me thinking about all the other things I would have liked to rub against him. He still looked like a god, for fuck’s sakes. Why couldn’t the years past have added forty pounds to him? Or have thinned out his hair? Given him wrinkles? Or a double chin? Well, I guess it had only been three years.

No, the years had only made him more desirable. Fame, travel, three Grammys, and four American Music Awards had put him at the top of his game. He was the ultimate bachelor to snag and any single woman would vie to have him. Except this one. He may have looked amazing the other night, but the time between us had done wonders for my healing heart. Or so I kept telling myself.

When he first left, the pain was almost too much to bear. Then, anger speared its ugly head and I held onto it for a lot longer than I probably should have. I guess it was just easier to be angry than sad.

But that song...oh, that song. If he sang it again, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would make sure I took care of my best friend and wedding duties so long as he didn’t kill me with his soulful voice and earth-shattering lyrics. Genna laughed at me when I told her just that. Laughed at me. Belly laughed like a crazy woman.

“
That’s all it takes, Mads? Is a love song enough to get you out of your panties and into his bed? It’s a wonder how you’ve managed to stay away this long.”

“It hasn’t been hard. I have Michael.”

And it wasn’t like Evan came back for a second chance.

I didn’t mention that last part to her. If I was being real, she probably knew I was thinking it anyway. This made me a total bitch, because I had a great boyfriend. He was a successful lawyer. He had lived in Pasadena all his life. He had the same job for the previous five years. He wasn’t going anywhere. Most importantly, he was stable.

Not like Evan.

God, is this what my life had come to? The number one thing at the top of my list of Things My Man Should Be was
Stable
?
The Man I Can’t Live Without
didn’t even rate.
The Man I Am Passionately In Love With
didn’t get a mention?

A honk of a horn yanked me from my wild thoughts, reminding me that shit was about to get real.

Genna was there to pick me up. Number one on her to-do list of crap to get done before the wedding day was: Favors.

“Are you sure you don’t want to just order some?” I asked her once I got into her SUV and buckled myself in. “With the Internet and Etsy, I bet we could get something super cute in a matter of days.”

The car slowed to a pause at a stop sign. Long enough for her to turn my way and give me an evil eye. “Really, Mads? You want me to give something impersonal to my guests? It has to come from me, made with my own blood, sweat, and tears.”

Blood, sweat, and tears? I could make that happen, I thought to myself. After Evan had left, there had been tears. Many tears. I knew myself well enough to acknowledge that if I let him in this time, there would surely be more at the end, when he left. Again. As for blood and sweat? They could be a distinct possibility too.

“So what are we making?” She had been totally secretive. She was a freak when it came to surprises. She fed off the thrill of them. She had always loved the shock-factor of any situation, which was why I thought she tricked me into seeing Evan the other night.

“Oh, just something I found on Pinterest.” Her eyes lit up as she increased the volume on the radio, blasting some country music. It wasn’t long before she was singing to her heart’s content along with Carrie Underwood. I could have tried to beat the details out of her, but I knew her well enough to know that it wouldn’t work. If you couldn’t beat them, join them, so I started singing too.

* * * * *

W
e arrived at Luke’s not twenty minutes later. By the look of it, we were the last to arrive. I saw the cars for the rest of the wedding party, including Evan’s old beat-up Chevy truck. Well, that was one thing he didn’t throw away.

Genna’s sisters squealed once we stepped inside the Victorian house the couple had bought together. The bride-to-be wasn’t living there yet, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t decorated the entire thing. It was old and classic on the outside, but completely modern on the inside, built to entertain enormous guest lists. The wraparound sectional sofa could have easily sat twenty people. Luckily, there were only eight of us so we wouldn’t have to squeeze together.

“Hey, ladies,” Luke said, coming over to us. He planted a swift peck on my cheek with a quick hello, before taking my friend into his arms. “Hey, baby. Ready to do a little taste test?”

She looked up into his eyes and winked. “Sounds perfect.” To the rest of us, she shouted, “Let’s get this party started.”