Without You (9 page)

She waved me off like I didn’t know what I was talking about. “I’m sorry. This,” she pointed back and forth between us, “is weird. It’s hard. It’s...I don’t know. One minute I’m okay and the next I’m a hot mess. So let’s just forget I was being a bitch for a minute there.” She offered me her dainty hand. “Truce?”

My gaze fell to her hand for a moment before I dropped my water onto the nearest table and took it in mine. “You know it’s not easy for me, either. I thought I’d have some time to figure out how I might be able to talk to you again.” I stepped closer to her, our hands still joined. “But that’s changed. We’ve been pushed together and neither one of us knows how to act. The only thing I can do is be honest with you. And if I’m being honest, I couldn’t be happier to have you in my life again, even if it is just as a friend.”

But she had to know that I wanted more. How could she not? I could read her like a book and I knew she was having thoughts about me. She wouldn’t have looked at me the way she did. Reacted to my touch the way she did if she hadn’t.

I was totally fucked. I had no idea how I was going to make it through the rest of the night without touching her. Without holding her. It took every ounce of my self-control to fight back the urge to gather her sweet, sexy body into my arms and devour every inch of her. If it wasn’t for the tiny imaginary figure of Genna—with a halo or horns, I hadn’t decided—sitting on my shoulder, I might have done just that.

Instead, I let her soft palm slip through my fingers hoping that someday soon I would be able to follow through with my plan.

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M
ADISON

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W
hen Evan released my hand, I felt as though a chill came over me. With my hand held so preciously in his, Evan’s expression of honesty had
me
feeling warm and fuzzy. He still believed I had a boyfriend and I planned to keep it that way. That would slow things down to a speed we could both handle. If I still acted like I was spoken for, maybe it would keep me from throwing myself into his arms and having my way with him.

What the hell was I talking about? I didn’t even know if he wanted me to throw myself in his arms. He had said he was happy I was in his life again, but that didn’t mean he wanted me
in
his...personal life. Maybe being friends was enough for him. Well, it had to be enough for both of us. For the moment, anyway. Until I figured out what I was feeling and what his intentions were, I didn’t know what I was going to do. My emotions seemed to be on a rollercoaster, swooping up and down, where Evan was concerned.

From the moment I walked in the door, I had been doing anything and everything to keep busy so I wasn’t hypnotized by his presence. Evan was wearing loose jeans, a Henley shirt with the sleeves gathered at his forearms and a Dodgers hat. He looked sexy as hell. It didn’t matter if he was dressed in slacks, a leather jacket, and his fedora, or casual as he was then, he worked it. I used to tease him about his choice of clothing because he always looked so cool. Once, I told him he could make sweats look like sex personified. He hushed me and said he didn’t do fleece. And he was right. I had yet to see him in a sweatshirt or sweatpants. The man would have rather been naked than it come to that. Which was fine by me. It didn’t really matter what he was wearing, Evan alone was just so damn intoxicating.

“Now that we have that worked out, let’s get started.” I stepped away from him and moved toward the photos. “I think we should pick the ones we’re going to use first. No sense in scanning them if we’re not going to use them.”

He was right on my heels as I looked down at the pictures. His close proximity had me tongue-tied and it took all my focus to continue. “Should we go chronologically? Like baby pictures to current ones?”

“Sounds good.” He reached down and snagged a photo from the table. “I think we should start with this one.”

Shaking my head, I began to laugh softly. “Genna will love us for it.” A photo of her potty training. Her face was a mess and she had one little pigtail on the right side of her head while the left side was completely down. Just what every girl wanted to see at her wedding rehearsal.

“She’s come a long way. Luke will be happy she doesn’t look like that anymore.” He picked up another photo. “Maybe not. She still does.”

“Oh my God, I remember this one.” It was New Year’s Eve and we got a hotel suite. We were in our first year of college and when Evan and I finally got to the party, Genna was trashed. She had drunk six shots of tequila and she threatened my life if I didn’t catch up, so I did. I downed all six in a matter of minutes. And together, we probably downed another ten. Who knew? At some point, I lost count. “Thankfully, I’m not in this shot.”

“Who needs a picture when I have it permanently ingrained up here?” He tapped on his temple. “I’ll never forget seeing you two with your heads in the toilet. At the same time.” He raised his voice with the last part just for emphasis. Like it needed any. I was there. My head hurt just thinking about it.

“It was a fun night, though.”

Yes, it was. We had some of the best sex of our lives. Completely drunk without any inhibitions could do wonders for experimentation. And boy did we have fun trying new things. Until I got sick, but I tried to forget that part.

We spent the next half hour going through pictures, separating them into two piles: to use or not use. We then spent another half hour going through pictures that were on a flash drive that Genna gave us. By the time we were done, the show was going to take an hour to watch.

“We need to get rid of some of these pictures,” I told Evan. “Some of them look similar so let’s start ditching them.”

Shuffling some photos around, Evan held up one, inspecting it with a smile. “I really like this one, but do you really think we should use it?”

I snatched it from his hands to take a look. It was a photo of the four of us. Luke, Genna, and Evan and me. We were huddled around a bonfire at the beach and it was clear we were two couples in love. We couldn’t have looked happier. “Why not? It’s nice enough and it’s not like there are any others like this one in there.” Not for lack of trying on Genna’s part. It was very clear after the first fifteen minutes of going through pictures that she had set us up. Not only to complete the task together, but for us to take a trip down memory lane.

Until his career took off, I would have never imagined my life without him. What we had may have started out as puppy love, but with each passing year we became more and more involved. We were best friends. We shared everything with each other. We truly enjoyed spending time together. We were content stealing glances at each other while he wrote songs and I did homework.

Sifting through the photos, I smiled inside. For every four pictures of the bride and groom-to-be, there was also one of me and Evan. Some with the other happy couple, some with just the two of us. “I say we keep it. We’re in the wedding party. You’re the best man and I’m the maid of honor. Of course, there would be pictures of the four of us.”

“But what about Michael?” he asked, wincing with a goofy frown curved on his mouth. “Won’t that be weird for him? I wouldn’t want to see pictures of my girl with another man.”

Try being me and seeing your ex with Victoria Secret models when all you wanted to do was get some milk for your Cheerios
. I didn’t tell him this. “Michael won’t be at the dinner.”

Evan didn’t say anymore. I was grateful he let it go.

* * * * *

O
ver an hour later, Evan and I fell into a routine. I used my laptop to scan pictures and crop them, while he used his laptop to drop the images into a movie maker program. Thankfully, Evan suggested we use Dropbox to share the files between the computers or we would have been there until the following day putting it together.

“All set,” I told him, shutting down my laptop and closing the screen. “I just uploaded the last one.”

“Great, I see the little wheel turning. The files are uploading over here.” His fingers tapped on the keys, his tongue peeked out of the side of his mouth as he concentrated on what he was doing. “I just have to finalize the music and we’re good.”

My back ached from standing over the pool table scanning the photos so I sat on his sofa and pulled my feet underneath me. I couldn’t help but allow myself to consume the sight of him. He was wearing his glasses and he looked adorable. I smiled, loving every minute I got to spend looking at him. It reminded me of how I loved to watch him work when we were together. When he got into a zone, it was incredible. How he put his thoughts to paper was extraordinary. He could make the simplest things around him turn into a beautiful song about falling in love, growing old, or sharing a family. The look he had in his eyes right then was the same look he got when he was working on a new song. I had hoped Genna and Luke would love the show because Evan had put his heart into every click of his mouse.

“Done,” he said, pushing his computer off his lap and setting it on the coffee table.

“Let’s watch it,” I told him, sitting up with excitement.

He frowned. “Sorry, I just hit the button to create the movie image. It will probably take about an hour before we can watch it.” Both of us had always been good with technology. We spent a lot of time creating CD jackets for some of Evan’s demos, not because a demo needed one, but because we thought it was fun. It didn’t surprise me that we were able to bang out this project with ease. We had always worked well together.

“Oh.” We were done. I knew it was time to go, but I didn’t want the evening to end. I saw a glimpse of what it would have been like to be a part of Evan’s life. How it might have been if we were together and we needed to work on a project together. We still worked well as a team. We just needed time to let the comfort set in. There had been so many times when I held my tongue and didn’t say what I would have liked to. I wanted to get to the point where I could let it out, say whatever came to my mind without wondering if it would ruin the possibility of us. We would get to that point, right?

“So how was the last tour?” I asked. I guessed my mouth didn’t want the night to be over either, because it seemed to open and spit out words without my consent.

“Not as good as the last one, but it was all right,” he said, shrugging. “When you tour three times in three years, the fans are bound to get sick of you.”

I chuckled at that one, rolling my eyes. “Yeah, right. The fans screamed out your name and sang every song just as loud as the first tour.” My hand shot up to cover my mouth. Shit. My secret was out.

“You went to see me?” A sweet grin played across his luscious lips and his smile reached his eyes. His truly genuine smile. God, had I missed that smile.

It wasn’t like I could get out of it. “Yes, I did. I went to see you at the Nokia Theater when you opened for Bruno on the first tour. When you headlined, I saw you at Staples, and then I caught you at the Citizen’s Bank Arena in Ontario for the last tour. I love that venue. Not a bad seat in the house.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? You know you could have had front row seats, right?” He raised a brow.

“Who says I didn’t?” I teased him.

“Honey, if you would have been anywhere in the first twenty rows, I would have spotted you. Lord knows I tried,” he said, pulling his hat off his head and ruffling his hand through his messy hair. He took off his glasses too, setting them next to him on the sofa. Then, he put his hat back on. This time, he turned the bill backwards. My first real view of his eyes for the night had me in a daze. Like pools of milk chocolate, his big brown eyes and long lashes called out to me, seeking more.

“You looked for me?” Just the idea tugged at my heart.

Evan shrugged again. “Yeah. I did. I always hoped you would come to see me. I’m glad you did. That means a lot to me, Madison.” Uh, oh.
He called me Madison. He never called me Madison.
He was getting serious. “So what did you think? Did I make you proud?”

Feeling like a sixteen-year-old groupie, my eyes went all dreamy and gooey over his sincere interest in my thoughts. “Pride doesn’t even begin to cover it. You were amazing.”

With that, his eyes found mine and time stood still as we gazed at each other, both wanting to say something more but afraid to ruin the moment.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to break the silence. I stood up to leave before I could no longer talk myself out of jumping across the sofa and straight into his lap. “I’ll just see the slide show at the dinner. It’s getting late. I’m going to pack up and head home.”

“Don’t go, Sunshine. Stay. We can watch a movie or something until it’s finished. I’ll make some popcorn.” His unexpected plea was so urgent it almost caused me to weaken my resolve.

My first thought was to agree. I would have loved to stay longer and enjoy more time with Evan, but I had already been there long enough. What would come next? We would relax with a bowl between us, watching a film, and risk our fingers brushing up against each other when we dug in for some popcorn? Maybe we would get closer, too close, and end up in bed together. After watching him finish the last of the slide show and talking to him about the tour, I didn’t think I had the will power to say no if he tried something. I would melt into him like butter on a warm piece of toast. The time I had spent with him, holding back my thoughts and my actions, had to come to an end. I needed to go before I got myself into trouble.

“Evan, I’d love to stay, but it’s late and I’m beat. Besides, I have to get to work tomorrow and if I don’t get some rest, I’ll be a bear in the morning.”

A frown spread across his sweet pouty lips. And I knew more than ever that I needed to get the hell out of there. His lips had always been my downfall. Just looking at them made me want to suck on them for days.

“Okay, let me help you get your stuff together,” he said after a long pause.

After gathering photos, electrical cords, and electronic devices, we made our way out to my car. Evan carried my load. He didn’t allow me to take any of my things but a new bottle of water. The trunk to my Chevy Cruze popped open and Evan deposited all my stuff inside.