Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (15 page)

“I suppose before I kill you and devour
the hearts of you and your companions we might as well exchange
names. The people of this realm call me 'Super Mega Dino-Lord
Xtreme Heart Eater Killestia,' my hobbies include using cheap-ass
magic to make weaklings fall asleep and then eating the hearts of
said weaklings. How about yourself?” The tall raptor-man says as he
raises his fists, which promptly ignite into flames. IMRM tilts his
head a bit to the side. This guy sounds slightly intelligent.
Perhaps a logical outcome can be reached.

“Insanely Masculine Robot Man is what
I've been told to say my name is, so you might as well call me by
that title. I understand, and in a way admire your ambition in
desiring to eat people's hearts, but I must ask you to reconsider,”
IMRM says with a calm tone, completely missing the ridiculous
nature of the situation- he’s not much of one for a sense of humor.
Super Mega Dino-Lord Xtreme Heart Eater Killestia raises a scaly
brow in interest.

“Reconsider? You mean reconsider
kicking your ass and eating your heart?”

“Along those lines, yes. You see, while
my companions here are operating out of their own desires, I am, on
the other hand, on a very important mission, given to me by my
employers.”

“So you're saying that I should just
let you all go because you have a job to do?”

“Yes.”

“Now, listen to yourself. I don't think
that is nearly a good enough reason for me to just walk away.
Everyone has responsibilities, well, unless you're an Overlord like
me, because we do whatever we want. Do you have anything else to
say?”

“I do. Should you have any respect for
an authority higher than your own, I feel it's worthwhile to tell
you my employer's identity.”

“Alright. Who?”

“The Omniverse Expeditionary
Librarium,” IMRM says in his usual tone of perfect respect to all
things. Super Mega Dino-Lord Xtreme Heart Eater Killestia pauses a
moment, and thinks.

“Oh, those guys. They're those folks
that run around stealing cultures, magics and technologies from
others dimensions, yeah?” He asks, leaning against the doorpost and
crossing his beefy arms.

“That is one way to describe what we
do, though our end goal is far more noble than you would
imp-”

“Yeah, no. They'll fall and die just
like all the other nations that tried to rule over more than one
dimension.” The Overlord yawns, attempting to demean IMRM’s
seriousness.

“Perhaps I could persuade you to let us
by some other way, then?” IMRM asks, unfazed.

“...I'm listening.”

“Those who comply with O.E.L. goals and
interests are to be compensated well for their aid. Were you to let
us go, I would be authorized to pay you handsomely in the O.E.L.'s
common paper currency, usable as a viable form of payment in over
seven-million-two-thousand-five-hund-”

“Do you think you can buy me off with
your worthless paper bullshit? Sin is the only currency of the
Omniverse, and as much as the dumbasses in the O.E.L. would like to
have a monopoly on the economy, the other seventy trillion
dimensions would tend to disagree.”

“Are you certain? This new currency
will soon be the only viable form of payment in nearly half of the
known Omniverse. By the time this minute ends it is estimated that
three more dimensions will have switched to this
currency.”

“I’m damn certain. Overlords will never
die. You new kids have no respect for the old ways. You think you
can just kill off Overlords, but you’re wrong, and doomed to fail.
Chaos is proof of that. Even though everyone everywhere hates him,
he is still held in our place of highest honor. Do you know
why?”

“Why is that?” IMRM erects his stance
in tandem to his opponent, the two preparing for a
fight.

“Because he’s gone completely
undefeated for the past ten thousand years. That’s longer than most
dimensions have been recording time. We may hate him, but he’s a
symbol of the longevity of our way of life. He is the monument that
will never fall, and etched in his eyes is the greatest truth that
exists: ‘Peace can only exist within dominance.’ You
understand?”

“... I do,” IMRM says with a tone
blunter than his usual.

“So in all due respect, Mr. O.E.L., you
can go fuck yourself,” the Overlord says with a grin.

“In that case, I suppose there is no
helping it. Perhaps creatures like you really are unfit to live
into the next era. If you truly wish to kill me, come forward and
fight me. However I should warn you, I feel as though you will
regret such an action- peace is always preferable.”

“I’ll step on your heart a few times
before I eat it,” Super Mega Dino-Lord Xtreme Heart Eater Killestia
promises as he raises his fists high, ready to fight. IMRM reaches
into his cloak, into his dimensional sheath and pulls out his
scythe. There is a short pause between the two of them, and then
Super Mega Dino-Lord Xtreme Heart EaterKillestia makes the first
move forward.

ENGAGE!

Super Mega Dino-Lord Xtreme Heart Eater
Killestia, or SMDLXHEK (pronounced Smid-lexek) for short, throws
his fist forward as the Subspace Orchestra explodes into a fury of
wubs, dubs, and other cool electronic sounds that teenagers love.
IMRM steps to the outside of SMDLXHEK’s hit zone and lowers his
scythe with elegant speed. SMDLXHEK dodges the strike with relative
ease and reaches forward to apprehend IMRM’s hands. After a quick
second, SMDLXHEK grasps the scythe equal to IMRM, and the two
engage in a power struggle for the weapon. It becomes apparent;
however, that IMRM is phenomenally strong, far more so than the
Overlord, who is readily losing the bout as IMRM is forcing him to
the ground and pressing the scythe to his opponent’s neck. SMDLXHEK
takes a deep breath.

“Andalhay’hav. Regleosau’sil’silvilain.
Ac’cro’crot’vil’regla. Havel!” SMDLXHEK casts as his breath is
slowly choked out of him. Suddenly, The Raptor Lord’s muscles glow
with brilliant blue designs, swirling across his body in a really
non-manly, but still really cool fashion. IMRM has not received an
education in magic, but does understand that this type of spell is
used to give one a notably large boost of physical
strength.

Slowly, SMDLXHEK pushes IMRM off, gets
a hold of his footing, and begins pushing back. IMRM sees that some
more drastic measures will be required to defeat this
opponent.

IMRM asserts his position on the ground
with his long, muscular legs, and again steps just outside
SMDLXHEK’s frontal zone. IMRM then follows up with removing one of
his hands from the scythe, deeming SMDLXHEK the winner over the
weapon, and delivers a high-speed punch to the Overlord’s face.
SMDLXHEK keeps his grip on the scythe as he goes flying into the
wall, leaving a strong impression of his body in the wood. He pulls
himself out just in time to evade IMRM’s follow up, and returns
with his own strike with the scythe. The blade easily pierces
IMRM’s chest, and SMDLXHEK cleaves through all the way to the
front. IMRM stumbles about a moment as SMDLXHEK raises the scythe
to deal the finishing blow, but is again caught in the face by
another of IMRM’s punches. SMDLXHEK flies across the room yet
again, (as is the common reaction when one is punched by IMRM,) and
smashes into one of the bookshelves this time. He pulls himself out
again, now with a dreadfully angry, badass expression.

“How the hell are you still moving?”
SMDLXHEK asks the quiet, tall figure with a now-rent cloak. The
Subspace Orchestra begins to cool down into a sweet pump-up
ambience, techno beats gradually gaining intensity as a
non-existent camera pans up IMRM’s half-destroyed body.

“Perhaps, I am what your people would
call a ‘badass,’ ” IMRM says calmly, as if he did not even feel
himself get half-cleaved in two. SMDLXHEK scoffs and crouches at
the ready to make another dash at his foe.

“I think I’m about sick of you and your
disgustingly high tolerance for pain. Any last words before give
you a hundred new holes?” SMDLXHEK asks IMRM as he begins to charge
another spell.

“Watch yer’ head,” says a voice from
below and behind SMDLXHEK. It’s UDGD, mouth filled with his own
blood from all of the wounds he caused with his teeth to stay
awake. SMDLXHEK only has a moment to gasp in non-manly shock as
UDGD leaps up, lifts his axe, and splits SMDLXHEK right through the
head. Suddenly the Subspace Orchestra explodes into an
ecstatic:“YEAHHHHHHH!” when noting UDGD’s
totally-sweet-and-not-stupid-at-all one-liner before cleaving into
the Overlord’s head.

Blood splatters everywhere as SISY also
rises from his fake-sleep position, spitting out even more blood
than UDGD. SMDLXHEK falls to his knees, UDGD pulls the axe from his
enemy’s skull, and the Overlord falls dead to the
ground.

VICTORY!

“HEY! NOT A BAD JOB, FRIEND, BUT I
REALLY WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO DO THAT!” SISY exclaims, totally
pumped up at the sight of all this blood. UDGD turns his gaze to
SISY and shrugs.

“Should’a been faster,” UDGD says with
a grin to a disappointed, and yet still quite excited SISY. IMRM
notes the surprising will power of the two others and
nods.

“Thank you for killing him. I’m not
sure if I could have survived that fight,” IMRM says. In a rare
moment, UDGD grins.UDGD gives a manly nod.

“Well, yeah. Thanks,” he says simply as
he withdraws his axe, and hands the surprisingly heavy scythe,
dropped by the dead SMDLXHEK, over to IMRM. The Tall Enigma thanks
UDGD, and sheathes his own weapon.

UDGD must say he is a tad disappointed,
though, as IMRM’s true appearance is still quite hard to make out.
While there is a large tear in his cloak, the laceration, s a
mystery, so UDGD is forced to wait longer before judging him.
IMRM’s gash, though long, is not wide enough to open with the cloak
and reveal the unexplained man underneath. He remains a
mystery.

“RIGHT, SO, SHOULD WE MAYBE WAKE ‘EM
UP? SURE THEY’D LIKE TO SEE THIS DUDE’S CORPSE AND ALL!” SISY asks
in what he feels is a perfectly reasonable voice, while it is, in
fact, borderline yelling.

“I think that, judging from their
serious disinterest in gore, and their strange attraction to these
small equines and food, it would be wise to simply carry them on
our way until they wake up. This would be the most effective,” IMRM
says, crouching down and picking up the slumbering Mr. Honkers
without problem. “So, who is willing to carry Mr. Dick?” IMRM adds,
looking at the two men with excruciatingly-bloody mouths. The two
warriors look at each other.

“I’m not carryin’ ‘em. That’s friggin’
gay.”

“YEAH? WELL I THINK YOU’RE SLIGHTLY
MORE GAY THAN ME, FRIEND; SO YOU SHOULD CARRY ‘EM,” SISY returns,
causing a deep scowl from UDGD.

“Hell no. You’re way gayer. You’re
carryin’ ‘em.”

“EHEH, NO. NO I’M NOT. IT’S COOL THAT
YOU RUN AROUND WITH AN AXE AND ALL, BUT LET’S BE REAL HERE, WE BOTH
KNOW THAT I’M MANLIER, BECAUSE I’M A-... oh,” SISY halts his
comeback seeing IMRM picking up DTO, holding both men, one in each
of his arms. UDGD and SISY look at each other, feel a tad awkward
for having argued about something they could have just asked IMRM
to do, and then return to their fairly-friendly, but still
super-manly demeanors towards one another. The three leave the
ideal town where everything is beautiful and delicious and
sissyish, and go off into the higher mountains.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN:
NEEDLESTHROUGHYOURBLOODGODDAMNEYES MOUNTAIN (AKA: FINDING A PLACE
TO SNOOZE LIKE MANLY MEN)

The three of them hiked upwards for
about half an hour until the other two regained consciousness, both
roughly around the same time. Mr. Honkers, of course, made up some
excuse for his weakness, claiming that he was using a “tactical
sleeping” technique, in which one uses their dreams as an
extra-dimensional weapon to destroy one’s opponent. No one believed
him. DTO, on the other hand, was quite honest with everyone, and
apologized for falling asleep when he was so-needed. He was then
promptly reminded by SISY that he actually was not needed, which
promptly made DTO act all defensive, and then feel sort of bad.
UDGD listened to all the nonsense of his companions, and decided to
let their lack of manliness slide, with the exception of SISY, that
is. Who the hell does SISY think he is, thinking himself superior
and manlier than he? UDGD simmers on these thoughts for a while as
they reach the edge of the mountain range, overlooking a vast
expanse of snow.

The Subspace Orchestra greets them with
a lone, reverberant piano, ringing through the mountains as it
plays a lonesome, foreign tune. It is a dreary welcome to the
group, playing against the cold wind blowing against them all. SISY
seems particularly awed.

“Right, I’ve heard of this mountain
range. I hear it’s the top of the entire subspace sector, and at
the highest peak lives an ultimate badass wizard,” SISY says as he
looks far in the distance, spotting a very, very tall tower,
piercing into the chilled clouds like an enormous penis yelling:
“FUCK YOU GUYS- I CALL THE SHOTS,” at everyone for hundreds of
miles.

“Damn, that’s one big tower,” DTO
states as the group peers across the many peaks to the giant
obelisk of domination.