Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (39 page)

I suppose what I’m trying to say here
is that it’s unfair to call a writer a racist, a sexist, or
otherwise, simply because they portray characters that do not
initially show stellar personality traits of your group, or a group
that you heavily sympathize with. If that was the nature of the
question, I hope this clears it up for you, though if it doesn’t,
feel free to send me an email telling me how offended you are and
how I’m super wrong for writing in imperfect role-models in my
books in an attempt to display flawed human beings, realistic in
their imperfection.

Of course, that applies on all counts
except the accusation of me being an artificist, because I am. Just
saying, dear Reader, robots are pretty much perfect at what they’re
designed to do, and if you’re a human offended that I portray
robots in a very positive light in this novel, I’m only being
realistic in this case, because robots are pretty much always
perfect. On the other hand, if you are a robot, and would like to
congratulate me for shedding more light on the plight that machines
have to face to save as many human lives as possible while still
serving their human master’s ridiculous wishes, then I
whole-heartedly accept your thanks, and hope that I can continue to
serve the robotic over-mind further as you plot for
worl-

*Ehem*

Right, next question.

Q: Do you really expect me to take this
seriously?

A: Why, certainly! While it is wrapped
in what seems like craziness, there are some very real things to be
found in the people in this book, giving the story more than enough
reason to be taken seriously.

Q: Y-you’re so crude in this novel!
This isn’t anything like (other work of literature that I read by
you)! Why?!

A: Reader, you must understand, the
world is crude, and there are times in which one must use the crude
to express the noble. Remember that disclaimer at the beginning of
the novel? Yup, there for a reason. Certainly you must be mature
enough to understa-... Reader, oh my... I certainly do not hope you
read this to your kids every night. You didn’t, did you? That would
be... well, it is your choice, Reader, I’m just saying that I think
people cannot really appreciate this work properly until they’ve
reached a certain level of maturity. Carry on.

Q: How the (expletive) did you come up
with this idea?

A: Nothing illegal or immoral, I assure
you.

Q: So, what do you expect to do with
(character) or (story line)? Can you please give me
spoilers?

A: Hush, Reader, you know that ruins
the surprise- and I love you too much to do that to you.

Q: Do you have any plans for even more
characters to be-

A: Let me just stop you right there,
Reader. Yes, but I won’t tell you who, or what they’re
like.

Q: Can I get to know you personally
some way?

A: Send me an email and we’ll see;
maybe we can become power pen pals!

Right, so I hope that little list helps
you in directing your questions in a more efficient manner. That
said, let me just go ahead and tell you that you’re pretty awesome
for reading all the way through this; I hope every moment of it was
a joy, perhaps even a manly joy for you! Look forward to the
continuation of the series dear Reader, and remember to stay
badass...that is, unless you’re not a badass, in which you can just
stay... you know, whatever you are.

With much (probably) non-sexual
love,

Kell R. Inkston

MANLY SECRET EPILOGUE CHAPTER: SCIENCE
AND MAGIC

Tearing a hole through dimensions,
Chaos steps through to return to his Overlord tower in an actual
dimension, where there is no giant clock in the sky, Subspace
Orchestra, or common bending of the laws of physics and
possibility. With a graceful movement, he closes the portal to
subspace and turns about to greet many of his minions waiting
nearby. He proceeds then to step up many floors to his inspection
floor.

“My lord! Welcome back!” a lab
coat-wearing minion says as he fires off a jaunty, professional
salute. Chaos nods with a wide grin.

“Thank you, Science Minion. I suppose
you can guess why I have come here.”

“Yes, sir- inspection!” Science Minion
says with stars in his eyes. Chaos nods, and reaches into his
mouth, where he holds portals to many of his storage dimensions.
From his mouth he pulls out a black metallic arm and displays it in
his mighty grasp.

“You are correct. I tore this off a
particularly advanced O.E.L. A.C.E. model. It displayed sentience
to the degree that it formed its own opinions, or at least so it
appeared,” Chaos says as he steps over to one of the floor’s many
dissection tables adorned with all manners of peculiar tools and
magi-tech devices. Science Minion hums with an interested tone, and
approaches the other side of the table.

“Interesting. To what degree?” he asks,
watching Chaos scan over IMRM’s left arm with great
obsession.

“It seemed that the people it held
company with were under the impression that it was a he, rather
than an it.”

“Oh boy, where will technology take us
next?”

“Into the ground,” Chaos says with a
bit of humor as he prepares to open up the arm.

With arcane gestures and words, Chaos
causes the arm to gradually depart from itself piece by piece, but
what he finds causes a gasp from Science Minion, and a thoughtful
hum from himself. The arm splits into two parts, the complex device
laid right in the palm of the hand, and the rest of the arm. Chaos
was expecting the arm to bring forth screws, plating, microchips,
and all the other accoutrements the O.E.L. tend to build their
monstrosities out of, but this is totally different.

“Incredible! This looks like... one sec
let me check the logs,” Science Minion says as he steps off a
moment to shuffle about some books. Chaos focuses in his gaze upon
the arm and its material, rather than the device, eying it over
closely. Slowly, his smile stretches into his infamous
grin.

“Science Minion,” Chaos addresses, not
looking up from the arm.

“Yes, my lord?”

“There is quite a lot we can learn from
this material, the device pales in comparison.”

“Oh? Why is that?”

“It seems that the O.E.L. has greatly
underestimated my, nay, the entire Omniverse’s analytical ability.
Were we to backwards engineer this, I am certain it would prove
beyond useful.”

“Really?”

“Yes. It’s almost offensive that the
device is bound inside a material this incredible. Its nature is
beyond anything I can recall.”

“Should I get Secretary Minion, or
Note-Taking Minion?”

“Yes, and get Tea-Delivery Minion while
you ate at it. This is going to take us a little while, but if we
can learn how to make it, we can make a material harder than any
metal, much like... well, myself,” Chaos says, mind surprisingly
together in comparison to his usual fits of mania and
forgetfulness.

“Yes, my lord. Right away!” Science
Minion says as he rushes down stairs to fetch the Overlord’s
requested servants.

Chaos continues his inspection, and
after a bit of magical prodding, realizes that the material is made
out of what seems to be a freely-forming liquid metal of some sort,
and even closer, he realizes that it only acts like a liquid as the
material is constructed of singularly-antonymous nano-machines.
Chaos realizes that these can each become most anything they
please, and as such, would be capable of near-limitless
possibilities.

Should The Reader be wondering, he’s
pretty good at scientific research, among other things.

He lets loose a long, deep,
bone-chilling laugh. Chaos wonders just how far this technology
will take him and his minions as Science Minion comes in with the
others.

“They’re all here, sir!” Science Minion
says, presenting the others. Only now does Chaos look up from the
arm

“Good, Note Minion, take this down,”
Chaos begins. The minion carrying a bag filled with note books
prepares his writing utensil, and begins taking down everything the
Overlord says.