Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (16 page)

“Pffft, looks like someone’s
compensating,” Mr. Honkers says, as he crosses his arms in way that
UDGD finds most unmanly.

“Perhaps. Are you all ready to find
some shelter? I believe night cycle will be beginning soon,” IMRM
says as he looks up at the horizon and the gigantic clock overhead
up in outer-space, telling all life forms in Subspace just what
time it is. It’s actually a pretty normal feature in subspace, that
giant sky-clock.

Pardon me if I have not mentioned this
previously, Reader. Most of subspace has a giant clock in the sky
that tells people what time of the day cycle it is. Very, very few
people know why it’s there, and even fewer would be willing to tell
you.

Existence of the giant sky clock aside,
the hands read that the current time is about 9:00 D.C. (day
cycle,), telling the group that there is only one hour left before
the entire realm is drenched in the darkness of the night
cycle.

UDGD and SISY quickly flash expressions
of disinterest towards the activity of finding shelter, as both of
them silently agree that hiking in the cold mountains while covered
in pitch blackness would be pretty manly, and thus a great idea.
Mr. Honkers and DTO, being the two more delicate of the five, are
quick to express their agreement.

“That’s a good idea,” DTO puts out more
weakly than usual, as he is quite cold from the strong winds. What
a total sissy.

“Sounds like we’re turning in for the
night, you scrublins. Hey, Robo-nerd.”

“Yes?”

“Find us a place to stay,” Mr. Honkers
commands to his tall servant of sorts.

“I’ll be just a moment then,” IMRM says
as he takes a quick bow and dashes off down the
mountain.

The three outside of the conversation
are surprised seeing IMRM vault, leap, and shoot across the frosty
slopes with perfect ease and a speed they thought would be
unobtainable by any common human. Seeing this impressive display of
agility, SISY gets pumped..

“WHOA! HE’S HELLA FAST!” He exclaims
with that huge grin of his, generally issued on his face any time
he is pumped. Mr. Honkers scoffs.

“ ‘Course he is. He’s done so much
running from the authorities that he’s had to develop some good
legs,” Mr. Honkers says. The other three are not sure if he’s
joking, as Mr. Honkers says practically everything in the same,
droningly nasal tone of voice. UDGD and DTO just watch IMRM dash
about as SISY chuckles a bit at the thought of IMRM being some
stupid vagrant. A short silence overcomes the group as they listen
to the wind, and SISY thinks of a worthwhile topic to hold their
manly interest.

“Right- so Dick,” SISY begins, treating
the first word in DTO’s title to be his first name. DTO can’t say
he’s very fond of such a nickname, but it was his choice, after
all, so he only has himself to blame.

“Yeah?” the cloaked rapier-user
responds.

“How far are we from the templey,
ruiny, dungeony thing that has the fountain?” SISY questions. There
is another short pause, as DTO thinks up a quick
generalization.

“Well, it really depends on how quickly
we move. It could be a couple days, it could be a week,” DTO says,
hoping his vagueness will be an acceptable answer. SISY nods,
acknowledging their current situation.

“Fair enough,” SISY responds, causing a
wave of relief to wash over DTO. He reaches into his hood to wipe
the cold sweat from his neck, when UDGD puts him back on the
plate.

“Ya’ know, yer’ voice is kinda
familiar. Ya’ think we’ve met before?” UDGD questions the cloaked
young man.

“N-nope. Never seen you before, ever,”
DTO says with a slight panic in his voice. UDGD raises a brow in
confusion, wondering what has DTO so worried, and
shrugs.

“Aight.” UDGD stares down the range
with a scowl. DTO coughs as they’re silent for a moment
more.

“I have a lot of relatives that travel
around Subspace. Maybe you met one,” DTO says, trying to sound
conversational. UDGD pauses a moment and quickly makes the
connection. This guy sounds a lot like HTO...

“Do you know of a guy named Heart
Tearer Outer?” UDGD asks, squinting his left eye just a bit as he
analyzes what all this could mean. DTO gulps, and feels a deep
sinking in his stomach.

“The name’s familiar... I mean... I
mean yes, I know him. He’s my... brother!”

“... You had some trouble remembering
your brother’s name?” UDGD asks, suspicion rising fast. DTO is on
the verge of voiding his bowels out of stress.

“Eh, that’s just how many kids my mom
and dad had! They had... twenty five.”

“... No way.”

“Yeah! They loved... you know, doing
all that stuff.”

“Sex?”

“Yes. Sex. Lots of sex. And Heart
Tearer Outer was the youngest. That’s why I had trouble remembering
his name.”

There is a short silence.

“That would make some sense I guess. He
was a serious sissy after all, so maybe all of your pa’s manliness
went into his first kids.”

“Yeah, I was... I was one of the middle
kids, so I remember how manly my older siblings were. I mean... I
mean even the girls beat up other people in the family.”

“Whoa. That’s pretty intense. Funny how
such a manly dude like yer Pa’ would have such a stupid sissy like
your little brother.”

“Ha ha. Yeah.... He was one serious
sissy. I heard he’s taken up mercenary work, and gets cheated all
the time. He actually came around the mansion last week and whined
about it to my dad.”

“Peh, sounds like him. He sucks at
using a sword too. He actually uses a shield. Can you believe
that?”

“Whoa... I heard rumors. Did you work
with him?”

“Yeah, he was a total
dumbass.”

“Psssh, yeah... yeah I bet. So you were
that nasty guy he was whining about?”

“Probably.”

“Gotcha. Nice to meet the person that
messed up my stupid little brother’s day.”

“Nice to meet someone who also hates
that stupid kid.”

“Heh, yeah. What a dumbass.”

“Yeah. I bet he’s crying in his
run-down apartment or something.”

“Yeah. He probably is,” DTO finishes.
He feels as though he has died a little inside, having just
finished a conversation about how stupid he is. There is another
short silence between the two of them, and then UDGD clears his
throat to ask something else. Usually, UDGD considers it unmanly to
have interest in other people, but this DTO guy, though he’s a bit
of a sissy, he is also a pretty cool guy.

“So who’s your dad?” UDGD asks as Mr.
Honkers and SISY have a conversation to the side about food. DTO
pauses a moment.

“Overlord... uh-”

“Overlord? Yer pa’s an
Overlord?”

“Eh, yeah.”

“Like ‘holy shit this guy just tore a
dragon’s head off’ Overlord?”

“... Yup,”

“... And he gave birth t’ your sissy
brother?”

“... Yeah.”

“I’m havin’ trouble believin’ that yer
pa’s n’Overlord.”

“... His name is ‘Ultimate Doom Rapist
Eater Death Doom Guardian Ex Nihilo Xtreme Doom Death 2000
Megaladon Death Xtreme.”

“Oh, whoa. That’s hardcore. If you’re
bein’ real with me, your mom musta’ been the one that gave all the
sissyness genes, cuz yer’ pa’ sounds like a major
badass.”

“Yeah... uh, my mother told me he
killed himself every day just so he could go to hell and kill
everyone who was already dead. It was like his...
hobby.”

“Whoa. Sweet.”

“Yeah. Pretty sweet,” DTO agrees,
completely dumbfounded that UDGD did not figure it out. Maybe UDGD
really is an idiot.

The group only has a few more seconds
to stand about, until IMRM appears from below, vaulting up the
mountain several dozen feet at a time. The group watches in a mix
of awe and weakness as IMRM makes one last great leap, shooting up
from a nearby peak and onto the ledge in a terrifying display of
physical strength and agility.

“I’ve located three fair places for us
to rest for the night. There is a grove of trees, a crevice into a
peak near a spring, and a cave near the base of the tower that
leads in further than I could see. Which one suits you the most?”
IMRM says, looking to Mr. Honkers as if he were the one making the
decision. Realistically-speaking, he is.

“Scrub-butt. Which one do you think I’d
pick?” Mr. Honkers says as he re-adjusts his purple goggles. IMRM
is quiet a moment, completely without motion.

“The crevice? It seems to be the most
practical choice as it will give us protection from the wind, while
not being a hard trek to survey our surroundings to prevent ambush.
We’ll also have a running, clean water source, which would provide
us with fresh water and aid in blanketing the sound we would make
for the sake of stealth--”

“Pfffffffffffffffft! Casual! Only noobs
consider tactics! Real manly men of badassinness pick the
most-dangerous route on purpose, just to show off how manly they
are! We’re going to the cave!” The Honkster says with a swaglin’
grin.

Though UDGD somewhat agrees in Mr.
Honker’s view, the way he expressed it was, as usual, so
pretentiously stupid that he is again overwhelmed with the sudden
urge to tear off his head.

IMRM simply stands there for a moment,
as he attempts to understand the cause of the serious
tactical-cognitive disability of his comrade.

“I see,” the tall one says, his usual
response when observing the act of idiocy.

“Well? Lead the way, scrub butt!” Mr.
Honkers says in a rather impolite, yet also unmanly fashion,
prodding IMRM along. The tall enigma nods, and gestures to the
group to follow him.

“Alright. This way,” he says simply, as
he leads the four down the side of the slope, through the ravine,
and to the side of the gigantic, jagged tower. At the basin, far
below the huge spire, is a small cavernous opening, leading into
uncertain blackness.

“This is it,” IMRM says with a simple
nod.

“Cool. Nice work, butthole,” the short
one says to the tall one. Again, all IMRM does is nod in response
as he hastily leads the group inside the cave.

It’s dark; really dark - About as dark
as a cool tavern should be, but even darker. In this case, its
pitch black, and any manly person worth their meat knows that the
darker a place is, the more awesome it is, especially if it’s also
dangerous. DTO holds his nose and lets loose a quick
“bleh!”

“Ugh! This place smells terrible!” DTO
says not two seconds after entering into the dark
cavern.

“Yeah... HEHEHAHAHA! I WONDER IF
SOMETHING DIED IN HERE. THAT’D BE AWESOME! WE COULD USE THE BLOOD
AS PAINT!” SISY says with a rekindled excitement, very happy that
Mr. Honkers chose the cave. DTO shudders at the thought of being so
close to a maniac.

SISY’s voice carries all throughout the
cavern, producing a considerable echo effect. Mr. Honkers notes the
darkness and presses a few tiny buttons on his large,
stupid-looking purple goggles. With a smile crossing his face he
then traverses deeper into the cave with complete confidence in his
step, as if the cave was as bright as day.

“Hey, Robo-nerd,” Mr. Honkers says,
stopping about five meters away from the rest of the
group.

“Yes?”

“Give the scrubs some light. I wanna
see what’s in here and you obviously know that I need my
unnecessary bodyguards to see how awesome I am at all times,” Mr.
Honkers says with a pretentious, stupid grin.

“As you wish,” IMRM responds with a
nod. In the same moment, IMRM raises a sleek, reflective black hand
out from his cloak, and lifts it high above him. Suddenly, the hand
illuminates the entirety of their surroundings with the glory of
light. DTO and the two more-brutish companions have never seen a
man’s hand illuminate like this before, in fact, they didn’t even
know it was possible; so this naturally comes as quite a surprise
to them.

“W-what the hell!?”

“IMPRESSIVE!”

“... Huh,” the three of them say with
drastically varying degrees of enthusiasm.

“How do you do that?” DTO quickly
follows up as the group regains their pace deeper into the
cave.

“Ahh, well I am outfitted with an
arc-wire information network that allows me to not only control my
body, but compose dedicated pathways that-” IMRM stops, noting the
bewildered, totally lost expression of DTO. “Are you having
difficulty understanding me?”

“Um, yes,” DTO squeaks like a
sissy.

“I can explain it with more fullness at
another time. For now, you could think of it on the same par as
magic.”

“Ahh, okay, cool,” DTO answers IMRM,
finishing the quick conversation between the two of them as they
descend a drop leading into more of the dull grey stone tunnel. The
group goes deeper and deeper into the surrounding darkness causing
the Subspace Orchestra to take note. Very subtly, a large drum is
struck in a warlike rhythm. UDGD must admit, it’s a nice, manly
touch.