Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (28 page)

DTO finds this suspicious. He wonders
why the chapter of the cult he and UDGD fought would have a map
directing to their old, destroyed base and claimed that there was a
great fountain of manliness there. He almost looks over to UDGD to
give him a surprised look, but recalls his disguise, and holds his
head straight.

“The face punching cult? Sounds pretty
manly!” SISY says with a grin, imagining the treasures that await
inside the ruins and all the sweet fights it would take to get
them. UDGD strokes the scruff of his dark chin in
thought.

“Yeah, does,” he says simply, reserving
his knowledge of where he received this map in the first place.
SISY hops up and down in excitement and anticipation.

“ALRIGHT! WHEN DO WE GO DOWN?!” he adds
with a grin as radiant as a star. Hokair smiles.

“Anytime you all are ready, commanders.
Remember this ship is under your command now. As long as you remain
the strongest of the keep, we are your loyal servants,” he says
with a quick, awkward bow. Mr. Honkers nods.

“You don’t need to remind me, you
twinkling worm-butt. Make arrangements for our departure,” Mr.
Honkers commands with an authoritative afro-jiggle. Hokair bows
again quickly.

“Yes sir! Right away! Oh! Or would you
like me to go over the scans? That is the second reason why I
brought you here, you see.”

“Hmm. Make it quick, Nerd.” Hokair
again bows. Mr. Honkers is really the only one in the group that
appreciates his disposition, as the others find it most
time-consuming.

“Oh yes, of course! Please direct your
attention to the table here,” Hokair directs as he steps to the
side and begins tapping on a panel from the other side of the
table. UDGD, DTO, and SISY stare in awe as various holograms rise
up out of the stone table powered by magic. Mr. Honkers sighs, and
along with IMRM they humor the primitive magical
technology.

“What’s that?!” DTO questions in awe.
Hokair smiles and bows his head.

“This is a creation of Smashland’s
magic committee. It is a map that uses mana-based-frequency-sonar
to detect geological features below and around us. Basically the
way it-”

“Short version, scrub,” Mr. Honkers
commands, knowing that the three have no idea what he’s talking
about.

“Oh, yes sir! It’s a magical map,”
Hokair shortens.

“Oh!”

“So that’s what it is,” DTO and SISY
say. SISY, having opened his mind to the idea of magic a tad more
over the past few days is quite fascinated in the discovery of such
refined magic. He thought most all magics were simply rough, cheap
sorceries and barbaric machines used by people like pyromancers and
wizards to keep true warriors at bay in the midst of a
fight.

“Eh, yes. That said, our mana-signature
scans have given us some peculiar readings. It seems that the ruins
are inhabited by something deep underground but I’m not sure what
that could be,” the educated man says as he scratches his
well-shaven face in thought.

“Well ‘course. It’s not like we could
ever just go somewhere without things trying to kill us,” Mr.
Honkers says with a frown, certain that they’ll encounter a “final
boss” or something equally stupid in the ruins. SISY laughs with a
creepy, violent disposition.

“As long as we get to fight what’s down
there, I’m okay with anything,” he says with a brilliant grin. DTO
hums with uncertainty.

“But, just so we’re clear, guys. If it
isn’t necessarily violent, we don’t have to try and fight it,
right?” DTO asks, trying his best to clarify some perfectly-logical
terms for engagement. SISY crosses his arms and sighs.

“Personally I think it’d be best if we
just killed everything down there to be sure. You know, better safe
than sorry,” SISY says with a smile. DTO shakes his head at SISY’s
stupid brashness.

“Like, really? What could we possibly
lose if we were to just make sure they actually wanted to kill us,
first?”

“Easy, we’d miss a good fight!” SISY
answers with a grin. DTO’s expression is solidified with
disappointment.

“Naw. We might as well get the jump on
‘em and kill ‘em. They have the fountain after all. They wouldn’t
jus’ let us take the manliness or nothin’,” UDGD says, practically
deciding for DTO. Mr. Honkers nods.

“I agree with butt-fold over here. We
should just beat ‘em all up. Ain’t that right,
robo-dweeb?”

“Actually I feel that-”

“Ain’t that right?” Mr. Honkers cuts
into IMRM’s sentence as usual.

“... Yes, that is correct.”

“Swaglin’! Let’s go!” states the
enthused Mr. Honkers, already bored to the feeling of luxury,
something he knows a fair bit about. Hokair bows.

“Alright. If you’re all ready just
follow me down to the sky-wire port,” he says with a calm gesture
of the hand. The group follows the man with glasses down into the
underbelly of the keep. Eventually they’re lead to a sizable room
underground lit up with torches set up throughout. Neatly set up in
various racks of equipment lies armor, long-term rations, survival
tools, and lances; lots and lots of lances. In the middle of the
room is a large circular door, closed shut by a complex mechanism
of gears and metal.

“Here’s the deployment room. This is
where we can send down ground soldiers who are not trained in the
dragoon landing arts, that is, you guys. Are you ready to
go?”

“Uh, how exactly would we be deployed?”
DTO asks. Hokair smiles.

“You don’t know? Basically all we’d do
is hook you up to the sky-wire rig here in the keep, then you’re
lowered down to the ruins.”

“Oh, so like a rope. Okay that sounds
good. Let’s do it,” DTO responds, underestimating the distance and
speed at which he will soon be traveling. Hokair bows and gets to
work.

He hands each of the men harnesses of
various sizes that go around the chest like a sort of vest, but
looking less along the fancy spectrum and more along the manly and
rugged end. Each vest has a thick metal ring attached. There is a
tad of instruction from Hokair on how to correctly dawn the vest,
and a tad of hesitation and whining from Mr. Honkers who complains
about how it makes him feel like a baby with it on, but after a
short bit of discussion with IMRM, the tall enigma persuades the
short afro-haver that practicality can be considered quite manly,
and that he should not decide against using technology for the
simple sake of aesthetic appeal. That said, Mr. Honkers gets ready
along with all the rest, and Hokair nods
enthusiastically.

“Looks like you’re ready. I’ll just
pull you guys up and open the hatch,” Hokair says as he steps over
to a control console. “Just connect your ring to some of the hooks
over to your left,” he adds, directing them to connect their back
rings to the hooks provided. They do so after another bout from Mr.
Honkers, claiming that attaching a ring to his back makes him feel
like a “milk-drinking-sissy-pants,” to which IMRM promptly replies
with the identical lecture about practicality before aesthetics.
Mr. Honkers again complies, and the group is now all properly
strung up.

Hokair flips a few switches, turns a
couple knobs, and the group of five are slowly hoisted into the
air. It is at this point that DTO begins to lose his
cool.

“W-wait! I can’t... is this right?” he
asks with concern, quite unused to the idea of being lifted up.
Hokair adjusts his glasses and takes a quick look at the
rig.

“Yes sir. It looks just fine!” he
assures as he opens up the port.

The Subspace Orchestra, after a long
silence, fires up as the port opens. Dreamy, calm bass strings up
into the atmosphere, providing an emotional, slightly sissyish
backdrop to the opening port in the sky. A lone piano chimes in,
extending a field of awe and elegance around them. DTO realizes
that he, along with the others, are hoisted up several hundred feet
into the air, overlooking a great pile of ruins, most of the
dilapidated structures below looking an awful lot like giant fists.
The rapier user mutters incoherently for several seconds until he
can forge words correctly.

“S-s-so you’re just going to lower us,
is that right?” DTO asks, petrified at the thought of something
going wrong.

“Well of course!” Hokair replies with a
calm smile. “Are you five ready?” he questions.

“Course, noob.”

“YEAH LET’S GO!”

“I am.”

“Sure.”

“Uh, I-”

“Okay, just reconnect and tug on the
wires when you’re ready to come back up!” Hokair instructs, not
hearing the hesitation in DTO’s voice. He pulls the leaver to
descend the selected ropes, and the five fall down out of the port
hole, soaring to the ruins below.

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX:
“REVENGE”

The group plummets at falling speed as
the Subspace Orchestra’s music picks up with the addition of drums
pounding with a military rhythm. Amongst the group, only IMRM has
really experienced anything similar to this, so the others are a
bit on edge, though most are not showing it. UDGD is well-composed
as usual, his thoughts occupied more along the lines what’s below
in the underbelly of the ruins. SISY is smiling as usual, his every
living moment a joy to live. Mr. Honkers has the same cocky smile
as usual. IMRM descends without even a twitch, as if he were simply
an object. DTO, out of the group, is by far the most sissyish with
the drop.

“HOLY SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! WHY
AREN’T WE SLOWING DO- SHIT ACE HELP ME SHIT SHIT HELP HELLLLLLP!”
is a small sliver of the man’s loud plea to any who would hear him
as he holds his hood on to conceal his identity. Mr. Honkers raises
a brow upon his hearing DTO’s cries. He presumes that IMRM’s told
DTO a bit more than he told him to. The tiny man shrugs. It’s no
problem; but he really does prefer staying mysterious and
awesome.

“Shut up twinkles. I’m sure these guys
know what they’re doing,” Mr. Honkers says over their decent. In
truth, he’s falling very near IMRM for the sole reason that he’s
the only one in the group that could survive a fall like this, and
thus would make it easy for IMRM to land with him should things go
bad. DTO mutters like a child whose candy has been taken
away.

“A-A-ARE YOU SU-?”

“Yes, scrub. Now chill out,” he adds,
just the moment the group hears, and feels, resistance being given
above. DTO still doesn’t relax, however, and screams continually in
a manner altogether quite irritating to the others. The group’s
decent, along with the intensity of the orchestra, slows down
gradually until they have halted completely, just a meter away from
the ground. UDGD and the rest dismount their harnesses with
relative ease. DTO shakes for a few seconds more, staring into the
sky.

“Hey, get down. We have shit t’do,”
UDGD tells DTO, who slowly phases back into reality and shakes
himself into the situation to complete the
reintegration.

“Eh, yeah, right,” he says as he
unstraps the harness slowly and carefully.

All around them, are the pure-white
stone ruins of the face punching guild’s greatest temple, explored
by many, and as of late even a popular tourism destination among
the people of Smashland. A clean breeze blows through the various
stone arches and statues of fists punching various other statues of
private parts and internal organs.

“Well, here we are,” IMRM says with a
demeanor as calm as every word he’s spoken during this trip. UDGD
eyes the environment warily.

“Yeah, here we are,” he repeats with a
suspicious softness unlike his usual tones of certainty. DTO,
having barely recovered from his first ever descent from an air
fortress, again seizes up in fear.

The gut-wrenching, deathly intensity he
has been anticipating has finally hit. Poor Phillip realizes that
this will either be his final moment, or his finest hour. He needs
some distraction, anything, to isolate UDGD and finish what he had
set out to do.

“Alright, noobsters, split up and look
for an entrance!” Mr. Honkers commands, waving his hand about to
send them on their way. DTO grins, and nods.

“Wait just a sec,” UDGD says, halting
the group.

“What do you want, nerd?”

“Dick’s a professional on this place,
right? Haven’t ya’ been here b’fore?” UDGD asks, turning to the
only one in the group whose face has not been revealed to the
others. DTO’s heart begins pounding, pushing the blood to his
brain.

“Eh, no. Actually I’ve only read books
on the subject. I... uh, I think that Mr. Honker’s plan sounds the
best,” he says, seconding the “split up” option. UDGD huffs, and
shrugs.

“Aight. Let’s go,” he says as he turns
from the group.

“See you all in a bit. Yell if you find
something to fight, please,” SISY says as he too leaves.

“See you nerds later. If you hear
snoring, it’s probably nothing that you should check out,” Mr.
Honkers instructs as he waves off.

IMRM looks over to DTO, and just stares
at him for a moment. DTO’s hairs stand on end.

“What?” he asks as if he didn’t
know.