Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (24 page)

The group of three step up to the tall
man, drawing back his lance to impale their bodies.

“I suppose we may as well exchange our
names before our engagement,” the tall figure states, “the people
of my realm call me Ultimate Doom Sky-Slayer Pussy Destroyer X: The
Dragoon of Doom,” the man says, effectively shortening his title to
UDSSPDX:TDD – we can just call him Udess for short if you’d prefer,
dear Reader.

“Big deal. My Name’s Ultra Death
Graveman Death Death Death. There’s three ‘deaths’ in the end of
the name because you’re three times more likely to die by my hand
than by any other,” UDGD states, causing horrified cringes amongst
the crowd upon hearing how many times the word “Death” is in his
name.

“Hey! I’m Super Insane Swordsman that
Yells a lot! You can just call me ‘Super Insane!’” SISY says with a
pumped up grin, showing a bloody set of teeth.

“Uh, I’m... Super Manly Dick Tearer
Offer. They call me that because I... tear off penises,” DTO states
with little pride, coming to the realization that he really
dislikes his fake name.

“So be it. Now, prepare to be raped
with my lance!” Udess says.

ENGAGE!

The three attack with an upfront
ferocity that Udess was completely expecting. Udess, with
incredible speed, snaps to the right of them and thrusts. The
strength behind the lance is unbearable, but a tad mis-aimed,
shearing through UDGD’s collar plate, down across his arm, and into
SISY’s shoulder. SISY doesn’t even flinch from the pain, and swings
his blade with a powerful curve. UDGD is barely deterred from
Udess’ attack, and swings from above. DTO, from out of the strike,
steps to the side of the dragoon and delivers a swift thrust of his
rapier. Udess spins in a surprisingly-sissyish manner, but is able
to evade the strikes with but a nick on his armor. Udess then steps
back in a long stride, and strikes again. This next hit is more
precise, striking UDGD near the stomach. The three warriors
continue to meet Udess’ expectations by following up closely, but
not enough to hit him. Udess and the three rush about the room in a
circle, striking and blocking wildly. Udess sees that he’s
obviously the superior warrior, and then makes his first
mistake.

Udess lowers his lance right into
SISY’s unarmored abdomen, skewing him through in both sides and
causing a torrent of blood to spray about on his nice clean lance.
SISY’s grin only gets larger as he grasps the lance by the handle
equal to Udess, and holds it inside. Udess is confused as to why
SISY wants the lance to remain in his body, and then is delivered
with an axe to the face by UDGD. Udess slides back several feet,
armored boots screeching against the marble floor. He’ll need
another weapon. Udess reaches for his throne and lifts it up over
his shoulder. DTO draws back in immediate shock, surprised by the
man’s sudden revealing of strength. SISY and UDGD, however, have
seen these sorts of men quite often. SISY pulls the lance out from
his body and, spewing out a torrent of blood from both ends, equips
it in his left hand, with his blade in the right. The two dash at
Udess again, walking right into his horizontal sweep. UDGD punches
the approaching chair with all his might, smashing a large crack
into the throne and stopping it part way towards his skull. SISY
takes the moment to throw the lance at Udess and swing his sword in
unison, impaling Udess’ arm in place, and lops it off with the
blade.

The throne falls, and Udess draws back
as his armored limb falls to the floor. A mix of cheers and cries
of fear wash over the group, the maids and servants quite happy to
see the brute lose an arm, and the soldiers horrified.

“Peh, not bad, but that’s as far as you
can go to touch me. I’m going to show you what a real warrior is
capable of,” Udess says as he crouches down. UDGD
scoffs.

“Yeah? What’d that be?” he asks,
stepping forward with SISY to smash the man to pieces. Udess lets
out a gentle laugh the moment before he leaps up, through the glass
ceiling, and up into the clouds. The sound of his jump was more
recognizable as an explosion, than someone leaving the
ground.

“Whoa! This guy’s nuts!” SISY says with
a grin, completely oblivious to his gaping wounds. DTO
sighs.

“He’s nuts? SISY, you’re twice as
insane as this guy. Have you looked at your torso?” DTO asks. SISY
looks down, notes the steady current of blood flowing out of him,
and comes aware of a strange, blurry coldness in his head, quite
normal for people who are bleeding to death.

“It’s whatever. I can take it,” SISY
says with a positive, collected grin. DTO is about to reprimand him
for his headstrongness, but is interrupted by the sound of a
missile descending to their position. Looking up, the group sees
its Udess, flying down with a badass fury to obliterate his foes.
The group only has a fraction of a second to get out of the way
before Udess crashes back down into the room.

The impact is enormous, sending
everything and everyone that isn’t bolted down flying into the
wall. The three warriors were obviously the closest to the impact,
assailing them with bits of shattered marble as they too are sent
into the wall. The group catches themselves okay, but are fairly
peppered with cuts from the debris. DTO has trouble getting back
up, never very used to the idea of being filled with shards of
rock. UDGD, his armor plating incredibly dense, only needs to pull
a few pieces out of his bloody face. SISY ignores the various new
wounds, just like the rest.

“Do you see your weakness now? Are you
ready to admit defeat and die?” Udess questions to the two
warrriors still on their feet.

“Not really. You’re sort’a dumb fer
thinkin’ runnin’ away by hoppin’ around and then hittin’ like an
opportunist would be scary at all. I’m gonna kill you,” UDGD
responds cooly, wiping the blood off of his face. Udess
scoffs.

“Very well. Perhaps another leap will
change your mind,” Udess says as he crouches down, and prepares for
another leap.

DTO hears UDGD talk a big game, but he
knows that there is no way they can kill this guy if he keeps
traveling around at such an insane speed. He’s going to have to
think of something or else the three of them are dead.

DTO slowly gets to his feet and surveys
the situation as Udess leaps up again amidst the frantic cheering
from the guards witnessing the event. UDGD and SISY stare up into
the sky, ready to intercept him. DTO observes from the back a bit,
and realizes that this could be the moment he’s waiting for. He
could simply let UDGD die. DTO thinks on it a moment, watching UDGD
and SISY stare at the sky intently, and decides that it’s not good
enough; he needs to kill him with his own hands. He can take this
Udess character down fairly easily. He knows exactly how he’ll do
it, actually.

DTO rushes up to the center of the room
with UDGD and SISY.

“I have an idea!” DTO says, getting the
attention of the other two in the room.

“What?”

“Yeah?” answer the other
two.

“Swordsman, hand me the lance!” DTO
requests of the crimson man. SISY retrieves and hands him the
weapon, and DTO plants it to the ground, point aiming up. “Gather
around me and get down!” he commands to the other two. SISY quickly
complies with the plan and gets on-knee with DTO. UDGD sees the two
of them, looks up a moment, and frowns as he joins them.

The group huddles together, affirming
the position of the lance straight up. Again the sound of Udess’
decent pierces the air of the open room, but is halted the moment
of impact. In the blink of an eye and accompanied by a loud gorging
sound Udess skews himself into the lance from the crotch up through
the opposite shoulder. He is speechless as he coughs up liters of
blood from his mouth, splashing into his helmet and drizzling out.
UDGD is the first to stand up and uppercut Udess in the face,
forcing him back up the lance. The other two join in with a flurry
of kicks and punches, brutally-punishing Udess as he is gradually
pushed back up the lance. Unfortunately for Udess is that his lance
is jagged and hooked, meaning he is now securely gored into his own
lance as his flesh tangles into the sharp edges.

All around the scene is frantic
cheering and screams of terror, no one really certain what to do,
but all quite certain that their mighty leader is dead. Udess
coughs a bit more, and lifts up his visor, revealing his
grin.

“... Stupid... insignificant...
weaklings,” Udess barely forces out as his crimson essence drizzles
off of his chin. UDGD punches him in the face.

“Dick, hold this lance,” UDGD says as
he snorts out hot, angry air. DTO complies, keeping a tight grasp
upon the lance.

UDGD and SISY take up their weapons and
lop off his other arm, only increasing the volume of Udess’ pain.
He screams and yells as if he were descending into hell itself, but
again returns to his taunting, cocky demeanor.

“What? Do you really think I couldn’t
kill you all with just my legs?!” he says with a grin. UDGD and
SISY lift their weapons again and cut off his legs, leaving him a
torso with a head. “Weak! Stupid and weak! Do you really think-”
UDGD tunes out of Udess’ monologue to turn to DTO.

“Gimme the lance,” UDGD commands. Again
DTO complies and lifts the lance, carrying the taunting Udess, up.
UDGD takes it, and begins walking towards the back window, the only
one in the room that does not overlook another part of the
island.

“It’s only a flesh wound! Why do you
think you’ve won?! Are you really that stupid, you little bitch? I
could lose a million limbs and not die! Oh, still walking? Very
well. Behold the greatest dragoon squad the world has known. Ultima
squad, get over here and help me!... Ultima squad?... Shit. The one
million armies of Smashland will hunt you! I swear! They’ll hear
about th-”

“Shut up,” UDGD says cooly.

The Grim Axeman draws the lance back
behind his shoulder, and with hysterical strength he throws Udess
out of the window, hurtling down hundreds of feet down to his doom.
His angered cries continue on, twelve seconds after he is thrown
out, and then ends with a satisfying “boom” as he hits the
ground.

VICTORY!

UDGD wipes the blood of Udess from his
gauntlets onto his grieves, and looks up.

“OKAY! WHO’S NEXT IN CHARGE!?” He
screams at the top of his mighty lungs. Eventually, a voice among
the group of servants calls out.

“That would be you, actually. You
killed the commander, so the fortress is yours,” the person in the
crowd says with a hint of joy.

“Cool. If you don’t wanna die, you’ll
take us to the coordinates that Dick here has to tell you. Bring
the ship to that location, stay put, and we’ll return,” UDGD says
with a scowl. DTO shudders in the realization that now that IMRM is
dead, he’ll have to make good on his lies and lead them to the
fountain. DTO gets the chills, gaining a cold sweat soon
after.

A navigator promptly steps up to
DTO.

“What are the coordinates, sir?” he
asks DTO, who is now trembling under his cloak. DTO thinks amidst
the cheering and crying mixed about in the throne room. If he gets
it wrong, and UDGD finds out, his cover is blown, and he’s as good
as dead.

“The... Sorry, one second, the fight
sort of scrambled me. I’ll need a moment,” DTO says, turning away
to stare out the window. SISY chuckles hearing this, rather
expecting DTO to be of a wimpy sort. UDGD shrugs.

“Aight, take a second,” he says to DTO
as he waits a few seconds with the others. DTO does not catch his
breath.

“Right, so where we goin’?” he asks
again. DTO takes a deep breath.

“We’re eh... going to the-”

“Our direction has not changed. The
ruins we are searching for are nearby in the East. That is what you
were meaning to say, yes?” IMRM says, stepping into the room with
an unconscious Mr. Honkers. Everyone turns.

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO: NAMES

“Y-you’re alive?!... and yes! That was
it precisely!” DTO exclaims with a confused grin, having just been
saved by this enigma of a man just in time. SISY pumps his fist and
UDGD fires off a glare of bitter surprise.

“HAHA! I KNEW YOU’D BE ALRIGHT!” SISY
exclaims as he runs forward and gives IMRM a strong, broad punch in
the shoulder which he takes without a flinch.

“How did you... I saw you drop with the
tower. Why aren’t you dead?” UDGD asks with interest.

“I have a fair talent for getting out
of tough places, I hope you might have realized that by now,” IMRM
says as he turns to one of the servants, asking to lead him to a
bed to lay Mr. Honkers on. The selected lady bows and ushers him in
through another doorway.

“We can talk more about it all later if
you would like. I need to make sure that my companion here is
alright, so if you’ll excuse me,” IMRM says as he disappears off
into another part of the keep. The navigator gives the according
commands to the pilot of the air-fortress, and the three warriors
turn to one-another.

“The hell?” UDGD says with a confused,
blank expression. DTO shrugs, quite glad that UDGD is now too
distracted with the sudden appearance of IMRM and Mr. Honkers to be
suspicious of his previous hesitation.