Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (5 page)

The group enters a smelly tavern by the
humble name of “The Killer Xtreme Bloody Death Butthole
Tearer-Outer Inn” and each member takes a seat at the bar, covered
with at least fourteen layers of gore. A large orc with a pair of
jaws about as large as a shark's, looks over the humans with a pair
of grimy, bloodshot eyes.

“What'll ya have?” the orc says with an
unnervingly-hungry stare accompanying his grisly tone. Mr. Honkers
is the first to speak.

“I'll have a bowl of Black-White
luckies with some-” Mr. Honkers is interrupted by the
outlandish-sounding laugh of the orc, so loud that even the manly
smooth bass players stop their lamenting inside the tavern.
Everyone quiets down and looks toward the three peculiar men
sitting in front of the muscular orc.

“We dun serve breakfast cereal here,”
the large, greenish-brown orc says as he reveals his tangled mess
of fangs in the fashion of a grin. The other men in the tavern
laugh condescendingly, hearing the non-manly weakling, Mr. Honkers,
request something so pathetically lame. UDGD nudges Mr. Honkers to
stop being such a tool, but it's too late. Already many of the men
in the tavern have laid hands on their weapons to brutally murder
the manliness intruder; that is, Mr. Honkers, who is totally
intruding upon their manliness. UDGD, feeling the dark intentions
of the bar filled with barbarians, looks over his
soon-to-be-opponents with speed and skill.

The entire group consists of long,
messy-bearded barbarians, all of them using either axes, broad
swords, or their bare fists. UDGD appreciates the manliness of
these angry, smelly men, but not enough to simply allow them to
kill his comrade, as lame as he is- he is currently
necessary.

UDGD stands up and turns to the group,
totaling about twenty seven, and reaches around his back to
retrieve his axe.

“Hey,” UDGD says with a badass tone.
The men address the Axeman with their eyes. “Don't hurt 'em, he's
mine,” UDGD says, communicating something very different with his
onyx gaze. If one were skilled in the craft of translating the eye
language, his message would be more along the lines of: “Come here
and try. I'll tear off your arms.” The men recognize UDGD's ocular
message more than his words, and draw their blades. IMRM, not
needing to turn his head to see what is happening, reaches inside
his cloak to his dimensional sheath. The orc steps back and grabs
himself a drink to enjoy while he watches the warriors destroy one
another. One particularly manly barbarian with arms the size of
tree trunks smiles, revealing his rotten teeth, crawling with
worms.

“I dun think that'll be happenin' for
ya', friend,” the large man says as he takes out his own axe. UDGD
frowns, and tightens his grip on his axe.

“WAIT, RETARDS!” yells a boisterous,
radical voice. Looking toward a corner of the tavern, everyone can
see a hulking man sitting by himself, with several emptied mugs of
mead sitting on his table.

With a large, stupid grin and long,
waving brown hair, the shirtless, red-tanned, incredibly-muscular
man takes a stand. Around his back is the largest broadsword UDGD
has ever laid eyes on, having to weigh at least two hundred kilos.
Encompassing his arm is a sanguine-red band, stretched and worn
after a long time of wear. His intense, piecing gaze and angled
facial features give him an air of elegance that would, if he were
not smiling in such a ridiculous manner, might make him look like
someone worth listening to. He clears his throat, and
continues.

“MURDERING SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY
AREN'T THE SAME KIND OF MANLY AS YOU? FOR SHAME, DICKWEEDS!” The
man yells at the top of his lungs with the same laughable grin. The
manliest man in the mob frowns.

“How dare you! There's only one kind of
manly, and this guy is not it! He should die for bringing his
sissyness in here!” The barbarian man argues vehemently.

“NO WAY, YOU WHINEY BITCH. HE'S
OBVIOUSLY FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION, SO OBVIOUSLY HE'S JUST THEIR KIND
OF MANLY!“

“S-shut up! That doesn't make any
sense!” The barbarian spits.

“HELL YEAH, IT DOES. IF YOU WERN'T SUCH
A PUSSY YOU WOULD'VE NOTICED IT THE MOMENT HE WALKED IN! LOOK AT
HIS TWO COMPANIONS. YOU CAN SEE THE MANLINESS RADIATING OFF OF THEM
AS WELL, CAN'T YOU?”

“Well, u-”

“THAT'S THEIR BURNING MANLY SPIRITS,
COLLIDING AND CHARRING ONE-ANOTHER WITH THEIR BLAZING CAMARADERIE!”
The tall man yells victoriously as he steps forward. The foolish
barbarians have had about enough of this guy's
ramblings.

“Shut up!”

“Idiot.”

“Enough from ya’!” several voices chime
in to silence the shirtless man. The man laughs as if this was all
just a joke, and then intensifies his gaze.

“IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT, JUST
TRY TO SILENCE ME! WE'LL SEE WHO DESERVES TO TALK!” The man
challenges to the group as he walks near UDGD and his comrades in a
manner as if they've known each-other for a long time. The twenty
seven men grin and agree with various cheers and sneers.

ENGAGE!

The front-most barbarian, a young lad,
leaps forward and swings downward with his axe. In the blink of an
eye the boy is lacerated and disarmed with Xtreme efficiency by
IMRM, chopped through the skull by UDGD, and impaled with
hysterical strength by the mysterious man without armor. Blood
spurts profusely as all three pull their weapons out, looking up to
the enraged group of barbarians.

The first group of men race forward,
letting down their weapons with manly speed. IMRM disables the
weight of their strikes with several thrusts with the blade of his
scythe, and plows through pair after pair of hands.

UDGD and Stranger (as will be the
shirtless man's title until further notice), retaliate with skilled
strikes to the bodies of their foes. Mortal crimson sprays about
wildly as wave after wave of men come at them, each being met with
an incredibly quick and manly death.

The orc, watching the display, thinks
it looks awfully a lot like a bunch of barbarians running into a
giant lawnmower of Xtreme death and destruction.

UDGD is deeply impressed with Stranger.
He fights with such brutality and even more risky force than he
does- as if he were a comparable man. As Mr. Honkers fiddles around
with his little device trying to make it work, the three slay the
crowd until only two more warriors remain. The moment IMRM tears
the weaponry from their hands with his scythe, UDGD dashes up, lops
off the meaty arm of one of the warriors, and smashes him in the
face with his own disembodied arm. The other warrior draws back to
run away, but not before Stranger drives his enormous blade through
the man's chest, turning it, churning the organs into a blend, and
then tearing it out with jagged, incredibly messy results as the
man's blood splatters about like a hydrant. Honkers shrugs, and
puts away the device..

VICTORY!

The inn has been painted in a fresh
coat of blood red, and the orc bartender quite appreciates
it.

With a jovial laugh, Stranger stretches
his recently worked muscles and wipes back his hair, drenched
crimson due to the massive amounts of blood he has been splattered
with.

“NOW THAT'S A GOOD AFTERNOON FIGHT. AM
I RIGHT?!” he yells with a wide, friendly grin.

“Uh, yeah,” UDGD says, wiping the blood
of five different people from his face.

“Pffft, I've had it worse. These guys
were scrubs in comparison to the things I've dealt with,” Mr.
Honkers states himself, leaning back in forth in his chair like a
child. IMRM simply nods that this fight was crazier than most, as
he has rarely engaged any more than five enemies at a single time.
Stranger laughs, sheathes his four-foot-seven blade and presents
his hand in greeting.

“THEY CALL ME SUPER INSANE SWORDSMAN
THAT YELLS A LOT. IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YA’!” he says, extending
a large hand in invitation to shake.

IMRM is the only one of the three that
makes the comparison, but “Super Insane Swordsman that Yells” can
be shortened to “SISY”- let’s call him that, Reader.

UDGD pauses a moment, looking at the
man's hand, and shakes it.

“They call me Ultra Death Graveman
Death Death Death. There’s three ‘Deaths’ in the name because
you’re more likely t’die by my hand than any other, though 'Death'
would work fine.”

“My name is Mr. Honkers. Unbelievably
cool, I know.”

“Apparently my title is Insanely
Masculine Robot Man. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance,”
the three of them introduce.

“VERY COOL, FRIENDS, VERY COOL! WOULD
YOU MIND IF I BOUGHT YOU FELLAS A DRINK?” SISY invites with a
smile. UDGD looks over to IMRM, and IMRM looks over to
UDGD.

“Only if you'll buy me the best thing
on the menu too,” Mr. Honkers responds with a smooth afro-jiggle.
SISY nods in an exaggerated manner, and the four again take their
seats.

“FOUR SCREAMING ALES, BUDDY!” SISY
calls to the orcish bartender as he slings out a bag of sins for
the drinks. The large creature quickly serves up a round of drinks
to the three cool dudes and one less-than-cool dude. SISY takes a
big gulp of his ale, and looks over to the men sitting to his
right.

“SO YEAH. I'VE NEVER SEEN FOLKS LIKE
YOU AROUND HERE IN THE CRIMSON KINGDOM. WHERE'YA FROM? ARE YOU ONE
OF THOSE OVERLORD GUYS THAT RUNS AROUND DIMENSIONS AND KILLS
FOLKS?” SISY asks with a wide, stupid smile. UDGD looks over to his
new acquaintance to speak, but Mr. Honkers answers
first.

“Well, noobster, we're from another
dimension alright. A land of pathetic nerds that do nothing but sit
in their basements and play tabletop roleplaying games all day.
They have an amazing, almighty king, though, and it's me. I'm on a
mighty quest to-”

“I met these two yesterday. They agreed
t’ show me the way t’ somethin’ I need,” UDGD interrupts, not
wanting the idiot to tarnish his reputation in this new, manly
land. SISY laughs and Mr. Honkers huffs in a most juvenile
manner.

“THAT'S GREAT! WHAT ARE YA' LOOKIN'
FOR?” he asks as if they were best friends. UDGD frowns.

“I appreciate it, but it's none of
y’business,” the Axeman says, making it clear that the secret
integrity of his quest for the Fountain of Testosterone is not one
that can be treated lightly. SISY frowns, but in the most comical
way that a person could frown in, noting more so UDGD's foul
attitude, than SISY actually being offended by that attitude. Mr.
Honkers nods in agreement and IMRM does not lift his gaze from his
drink, staring into the depths of the flask in thought.

“Well then, alrighty. I can take a
hint,” SISY says, much quieter now feeling that his usual booming
voice would be inappropriate to properly convey his message. UDGD
half tilts his head as if to say “it's fine.”

“Yeah, whatever,” he says. SISY grins.
He thinks that UDGD's a pretty cool guy.

“Cool, so, eh, where are you guys
really from?” The bloodiest of the men asks the other
three.

“I haven't traveled around much, but
I've been told that I'm from a subspace realm. Ya' know, the
dimensional space between real dimensions? Like this place,” UDGD
claims grimly as he takes a gulp from his drink. SISY nods his head
and takes a gulp of his own before continuing.

“I haven't traveled around dimensions
much either. It all seemed sort of beyond me. I mean, who the hell
really does that sort of stuff?” The long-haired swordsman states
with a shrug. Mr. Honkers looks offended.

“Pfft, I do, you scrub! You would have
known that if you were important, like me!” the short, brown man
states, raising his goggles just a moment to reveal a pair of
angry, peculiarly-shaped eyes.

“Hmm, I'm not important, eh? Say,
Death; does this guy call folks names often?”

“All the time,” UDGD
answers.

“Well, I 'spose that's fine. I've been
called worse things than “unimportant” for sure. But that aside,
where are you from;... Mr. Honkers, right?” SISY asks with a
friendly smile. Mr. Honkers smiles in turn.

“I'm from the greatest dimension of all
time, of course. I am its king, obviously, and I have infinite
girlfriends to--”

“The two of us are from the same
dimension that the O.E.L. are from: Dimension #1,” IMRM interrupts.
UDGD and SISY each raise a brow in intrigue. If their dimension is
#1, then these two must actually be seriously strong. What UDGD and
SISY misunderstand is that a dimension's number does not correspond
to how powerful its inhabitants are in comparison to those of other
dimensions, but the order in which dimensions were discovered and
registered by the Omniverse Expeditionary Librarium, or O.E.L. --
It only makes sense that the people registering dimensions would
want theirs to be the first.

As the Reader is obviously dying for a
history lesson, the narrator will gladly oblige them.

CHAPTER SIX: BORING STUFF THAT SHOULD
ONLY BE READ IF THE READER CARES AT ALL ABOUT THE OMNIVERSE AND ITS
CURRENT STATUS

Inter-dimensional travel has existed
for as long as there has been magic to do so, but not until the
advent of magic-technology (that is, mass-produced
magically-charged items), had anyone ever set out to catalog
dimensions on a broad scale. The O.E.L. was founded in what is now
called Dimension #1, and has since gained a reputation as the
military, scientific, and cultural center of the Omniverse. It is a
highly ambitious association of people, and these people took the
task upon themselves to not only discover all that exists in the
Omniverse, but to conquer it all as well. Of course, not all places
are as weak militarily as subspace realms and lesser
dimensions.