You Got Me (17 page)

“ROXY!” I heard somebody shout.

I was dizzy and my eyes fluttered open. I looked around, and there was so much blood. MY BLOOD. I looked up to see Aiden's roommate, Gary. He looked scared.

“Are you ok?” He was shaking as he kneeled down beside me.

“
I'm fine,” I whispered because I couldn't talk. My throat was raw.

He pulled out his phone. “I'll call for help.”

I quickly snatched it from him. “Please, don't,” I whispered as loud as my voice could. “You can't tell anybody. Please.”

He looked at me, unsure.

“I'll clean up the mess. I promise. Just you can't tell anybody.”

He nodded his head, and I handed his phone back. He looked unsure for a moment, but he backed out of the bathroom and gave me privacy. I needed a moment to think about what I just did.

I pushed myself up, and leaned against the counter. The girl in the mirror looked terrible. She was pale, and sick. She looked familiar. She looked like Emma. I quickly realized that she, me, was sick. I hated the person that I saw.

I decided at that exact moment I was not going to let myself be stupid just because a boy broke my heart. Not that Aiden was just 'some boy'. But I didn't dwell on that. He was done with me, and I had to respect that. I would always cherish the short time I had with him.

I cleaned the bathroom until it was spotless. I had no energy left, but somehow, I made it back to my dorm room and fell back asleep. When I woke up, I decided nobody else would ever have my heart.

“How are you?” he asked. I could hear the double meaning behind the question.

I felt a tear fall down my cheek. “Can we talk?”

He nodded, and grabbed my hand. We went upstairs into one of the bedrooms, and in there, I told him everything, starting with my mom, and ending with how Aiden ripped my heart into shreds.

AIDEN

I looked for Roxy at the party, but I couldn't find her. I was thinking maybe she skipped, but then I saw her redheaded friend, Rachel. I knew she was there. I hated that girl, but I was desperate to find Roxy. I walked up to her.

“Where's Roxy?” I asked.

“
Hello to you too,” she tried to act offended. I could smell the tequila on her breath, and I felt sick. I took a step back.

“
Where is Roxy?” I asked again, hoping that she would answer me this time.

She rolled her eyes. “I don't know. I haven't seen her since we did shots.”

Dread filled my stomach. “She was drinking?”

“
Yeah...” She thought for a minute. “Actually, I think maybe I saw her going upstairs with a guy earlier.”

“
WHAT!?”

Her eyes bugged out, and then she laughed. “Relax, Aiden. She loves you. There's no way she's fucking some other guy.”

I didn't listen to her, I just ran up the stairs. Just as I got to the top, I saw Roxy coming out of a room with Gary. I didn't even think about it before I ran over and punched Gary. He fell over, knocked out cold. My fist stung, but I didn't even care.

“
What the hell, Aiden!” she screamed, kneeling down.

I was furious with her. “Out of all the guys in this school you could have fucked, why him?”

She looked up at me, glaring. “I didn't
fuck
him.” She slapped me across the face, and it stung.

“
Really?” I felt nauseous. I should have asked questions before knocking out my best friend, but I was so mad. I could tell by the look on Roxy's face that I really fucked up... Again.

“
Really! I haven't been with anybody else!” Tears were running down her face. “He was just checking on me. He found me in his bathroom the day after you left. He was just worried.”

“
I'm sorry.”

She looked disgusted. “You say that a lot.”

“I know...”

“
But if I wanted to fuck somebody else, it wouldn't be any of
your
fucking business!” she yelled, again. “I'm trying to move past what happened.”

“
What about the note you left me this morning?” I asked, confused.

“
What note?”

I pulled it out of my pocket, and handed it to her. She looked at it, and then looked up at me.

“I didn't write this. It's Rachel's handwriting.” She threw the note back at me, and my heart felt heavy. Had I read her signals wrong. Did she really want me to leave her alone?

“
How can I get you back, Roxy?” I felt tears cloud my vision.

“
I don't know.” With that, she stepped over Gary's unconscious body and walked away from me.

EIGHTEEN

ROXY

I was home for the holidays. Well, not home. Every Christmas, Steve, and Emily took me to Emily's parent's vacation home in southern Florida. They had a huge beachfront property. It was beautiful and I loved it there.

I laid on the sand, looking out at the ocean. I felt numb. Every time a wave came in, the water got closer to me. Pretty soon I would be covered in water.

Maybe if I'm lucky I'll drown.
I pushed the thought away. I was not stupid enough to be suicidal. After everything that I've lived through, I figured that nothing could stop me. I had to be the strongest person ever. Or at least, that's what I kept telling myself. I knew that it was a lie. I was weak.

While I laid on the beach, I allowed the tears to run freely down my cheeks. I told myself that it was alright to be sad sometimes, but as each tear fell, I felt like more of a failure.

I heard somebody walk up behind me. I quickly sat up, and wiped the tears from my face.

“
Hey, Mom,” I greeted Emily as she sat down beside me.

“
You miss him, don't you?”

I wanted to pretend I didn't know exactly who she was talking about, but I did. I nodded my head, and began to sob even harder. Emily pulled me closer, and let me sob into her shoulder.

“Why don't you forgive him, Roxy? People make mistakes, and he made a mistake. You can't punish him for it forever.”

I didn't know how to answer her. What she was saying was true, but I didn't want to forgive him. I didn't want him to hurt me again. “I gave him my heart once, and he broke it. I can't risk it again.”
Ever
, I added silently.

“
I know you're scared, but you can't run from your feelings forever.” She sighed. “Do you love him?”

“
Yes,” I whispered. I was tired of lying.

“
Roxy...” Emily started... “I know what your mom did to you messed with your head, but you can't keep pushing people away because of her. If you want to truly live, you have to take chances.” She kissed the side of my head. “I love you, and I want you to be happy. That boy makes you happy. Just think about it.”

She pushed herself off the sand, and left me sitting there. I watched the waves crashing onto the shore. For miles and miles, all I could see was water in front of me. It was beautiful.

I thought about what Emily told me. In my heart, I knew what I needed to do, but my brain kept telling me no. I was scared. I knew eventually that I would have to forgive Aiden. I just hoped that I did before it was too late, because deep down, I knew he wouldn't fight for me forever.

I thought about the note I wrote him. I told him Rachel wrote it because I was mad. I hadn't heard from him since that night. Maybe it was already too late, but I hoped not. I knew that no matter what, I would never find another Aiden.

AIDEN

I sat in the living room with Aaron, Grace, and my mom. We were watching Christmas Vacation, the funniest movie on the planet, and even that couldn't make me laugh. My heart was broken, and there was no fixing it.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out to hit ignore, but didn't when I saw Roxy's mom's number pop up. My heart accelerated, and my hands were shaking as I answered it.

“Hello,” I said, walking outside so I could talk without disturbing my family.

“
Hey, Aiden,” I heard Emily's voice on the other end. “How are you enjoying your Christmas break?”

“
It's great,” I smiled, because despite how miserable I was, it was great to spend time with my family. “You know, great besides missing Roxy.”

“
She misses you too.”

My heart felt like it was about to explode with happiness, but I told myself to calm down. There was no way that Roxy missed me. “I'm not so sure about that,” I disagreed with her.

“I have a proposition for you, Aiden...”

“
I'm all ears.”

3 days later, I found myself anxiously boarding a plane. It was the first time I had ever flew, and I was still not keen on the idea of being a mile above ground going 500 miles per hour. The thought made me nervous, and I suddenly felt like I was going to vomit.

When I thought about what I was going to do once I landed, I didn't feel any less nervous. But I had to try. One last time, I had to fight for her. I decided that if she told me no, I wouldn't bother her again. I couldn't keep pushing her. I couldn't keep reminding her of how I hurt her.

They called for my section to board, and I suddenly felt dizzy.

This is it,
I thought before getting in line. It took about 10 minutes to get to the front. I gave the attendant my ticket, and a couple guys behind her motioned me forward. I walked down a long hallway that creaked with every step I took, and I felt the chunks rising to my throat.

When I walked onto the plane, it was already crowded. I walked down the long, skinny isle, and I could only think about how many people there were on the plane. I had never been claustrophobic before, but I was suddenly feeling it.

Finally, I found my seat. I sighed in relief when I saw that it was an aisle seat. I didn't think I could handle if I was smashed against the window.

The person beside me never even looked up as I sat down. He had his headphones on, and his Kindle out. He actually looked bored. I put on my seat belt, and gripped onto the armrests on both sides of me. I breathed in my nose, and out my mouth. That's what you're supposed to do when you're panicking, right?

I closed my eyes, and thought of Roxy. I thought of her beautiful smile, and began to relax. I knew that even if this plane crashed down, and I died in a fiery explosion, she was worth it.

I felt the plane start to move, and a voice came over the loudspeaker. I didn't listen to what he was saying, I just continued to breathe.

Roxy, Roxy, Roxy,
I told myself over and over again.

We drove around the runway for what felt like forever, and then we stopped. My anxiety was building with every second, and it was like they were teasing me. Suddenly, I heard a loud noise. It was getting louder, and the plane started moving. It kept getting faster, and faster. I was laying back against my seat. I looked out the window next to us, and watched as we lift off the ground. My head was dizzy as we went up higher and higher, but finally, I relaxed.

This isn't so bad
.

I decided to use my time on the plane to think about what I was going to say to Roxy when I saw her. I had said I'm sorry more times than I could count.

I didn't have long to think about it, because we were only in the air for about an hour before we started going back down. I felt nervous again, but not about the landing... I was nervous about seeing Roxy again.

ROXY

I looked down at the shoe box full of letters from Aiden. I pulled them out and started reading them one by one.

November 13

Roxy,

I don't know how many more ways I can say sorry, but I am. I HATE myself for what I did to you. If I could trade places with you, I would in a heartbeat. I want to take you pain for you. But I can't. All I can do is be there for you, but you won't even let me do that, and it's killing me.

I love you,

Aiden

November 19

Roxy,

Everyday that I'm not with you, I feel like I'm slowly dying. I am missing a part of myself, and you are that missing piece. Please, give me another chance. I promise I won't break your heart ever again.

I love you,

Aiden

November 22

Roxy,

I saw you again yesterday. You flipped me off, again. I'm a jerk, and I know I deserved it. But it wasn't you silently telling me to 'fuck off' that hurt. It was the pain in your eyes. You smile with your friends, but I can still see the hurt in them. The hurt that I put there. If you let me, I will spend forever making it up to you... I may never be able to, because I hurt you bad, but please, let me at least try.