You're Always in the Last Place You Look (13 page)

As I headed to my room I knew someone else’s problems had interceded, taking my parent’s minds off my offense. I just hoped whatever it was hadn’t been tragic.

*

Pulling the covers over my head I tried to fall back into my dream. But as I laid there, eyes closed, willing myself back to sleep, pieces began breaking away, and soon my mind had lost it. My body on the other hand, hummed with the memory.

I couldn’t remember the last time I had awakened hard. Although my father was quite progressive for a small town pastor—understanding teenagers need for experimentation—when he talked of masturbatory acts there was always an undercurrent of repulsion present in his voice. Whether he had unknowingly influenced me, or it had been my lack of interest in sex in general, I had never been comfortable taking myself in hand.

It had taken me close to a year to realize my embarrassing problem with wet dreams was the direct result of that very apprehension. So once a week I took to relieving myself in the shower, more of an arduous task than for pleasure, and the wet dreams slowly subsided. This morning was different, however. My fingers tingled with a need—a desire to touch. My body thrummed with it.

I recalled the sensation of Zane beneath me, the taste of his mouth, his skin, his scent, and I touched—then stroked.

I bit into my pillow as my release came, muffling the cry that tore from my throat.

“Honey, breakfast is ready.
Oh, dear God
—Sorry, sorry.”

Oh crap
. I managed to drag the sheet over me, but I couldn’t stop the groan that vibrated through as the last surge shattered me. I heard the door shut through the haze. The emotions overwhelming me subdued the shot to my pride at having my mom walk in on me. I was still a teenage boy after all, and we would survive once we stumbled through the initial embarrassment. And it wasn’t as if I did this often, but—Oh. My. God.—wow, I might have done it more had it always been like this.

A pile of trembling flesh, I rode the wave all the way, not wanting to miss a moment. As my breathing returned to normal and my body cooled, I grinned remembering I had a date tonight with the very person who had just broken me apart. Glancing down, it came back to me why I did this in the shower.
Uck
.

*

After cleaning up, I headed down stairs to get the most embarrassing moment of my life out of the way. If luck were on my side, Dad will have left for the church by now. He always practiced his sermon on Saturday mornings, then stayed for the men’s group.

Entering the kitchen, Mom glanced at me then covered her mouth with her hand. She was laughing. Giggling actually.

“You know laughing at your son could scar him for life,” I said tersely, but couldn’t hold onto my straight face and busted up. We both laughed until we were wiping tears away.

Waving a hand in front of her face she finally said, “I’m sorry, I should have knocked.”

I shook my head as I blew my nose on a napkin. “I probably wouldn’t have heard it, to be honest.” I sighed which set us both off again.

She stopped laughing abruptly, and breathed deeply a few times. “At least I didn’t walk in on you having sex with...someone.” Her shoulders sagged as she added quietly. “I don’t think I could have handled that.”

The way she said
someone
, as if it were a cussword, had me looking at her more closely as she microwaved a plate of waffles. There were bags under her eyes as if she had been crying, and her fingers shook every so slightly, the veins along her hands standing out more prominently than normal against her fawn skin.

“Mom? What do you think you know?” I asked carefully, cautiously. But I knew that somehow she knew.

She gripped the counter, inhaling deeply before answering. “Too much.” Turning away from me, she adjusted the canisters on the counter, and then rearranged the towels on the handle of the stove.

“Mom...” I touched her shoulder.

She flinched, waving me away without turning around. “Don’t. Don’t touch me.”

The gesture nicked my soul. “Mom, please look at me.”

She shook her head. “I can’t. I thought I could pretend...pretend it didn’t matter, that you were still my sweet son, but I can’t.”

I bled.

I backed away, not ready to see the disappointment—the disgust on her face, in her eyes. Bumping the door, I turned, and stabbed my foot into a boot.

“It’s that
boy
isn’t it? I know you were with him. Tell me he corrupted you. Oh please. He did, didn’t he?”

I hesitated, staring at the other boot in my hand. I wanted to lie to her so she would still love me. So I would still be her little boy. I didn’t though. I couldn’t.

“No, Mom. It’s who I am. He just showed me the way out.” Cramming my foot into my other boot, I opened the door.

“That’s not true,
not true
. Oh God, oh God, oh God...” she started chanting, the words choked and muffled.

Bracing my hand against the jamb, I managed to stop myself from turning back to her, knowing I would only find heartache and sorrow.

“Yes. It is.” Steeling myself, I walked out, and closed the door.

By the time I caught up AJ I was shaking so badly I could barely get his bridle on him. My fingers fumbled the throatlatch buckle over and over before I finally managed to slip the end through the loop. I buried my face into his neck, and let out an anguished breath. He nickered at me, probably wondering what was wrong. I swung up on his back, and leaned over.

“Take me anywhere but here.” I sent my heels into him, and we flew away.

The pain followed, building with each stride until everything blurred into a flurry of drab nothingness. Rejected...I never thought...I never imagined...not my mom...anyone but my mom.

AJ stumbled, sending me over his shoulder. I hit the substrate with a hollow boom. The multitude of burrows, tunnels, and rotted-out roots below the forest floor provided a slight cushion. However the rock between my shoulders worked like a pile driver, compressing the air right out of me. I flailed trying to find my breath. AJ let out a few loud snorts as he contemplated fleeing from the monster he thought I had become.

On my hands and knees, the air finally returned to my lungs along with a myriad of dust particles that set me to coughing. A wet hacking sound that AJ nickered nervously at. Breathing heavily, I sat back onto my heels. If anything the fall managed to knock some sense into me. Not a lot, but enough to look around and see we were at the Y to the Lakes loop trail, which meant I had run AJ over seven grueling miles.

I felt sick to my stomach over that. Rocking back onto my feet I realized I really was going to be sick, and dropped onto a hand just as my stomach cramped. Having not eaten anything since last night, there wasn’t much to expel. Struggling to my feet, I teetered for a moment, feeling light-headed and empty everywhere.

AJ was blowing and soaked in sweat. No wonder he had stumbled. I rubbed his neck in apology before going to get back on him. I had no energy left, and my first attempt to swing onto AJ landed me on my ass at his feet, sending a shard of pain straight up my spine. Scrambling back to my feet, I managed to ignore everything going on inside me, and on my second attempt I hooked a foot over his back and shimmied on. I let him plod back towards the creek, unsure where we were going, only knowing I wasn’t ready to head home.

I had cried all the moisture out of my emotions, leaving brittle delicate things unable to handle the weight of my dwelling on them. I attempted to hold onto the numb vacant feeling, but my mind wandered aimlessly, unconcerned over the damage it wrought.

The past weeks had been enthralling. I couldn’t think of any other way to explain my personal discoveries. It wasn’t as if Zane had put a spell on me—although he did captivate me in ways I never imagined possible. But rather he had shown me I wasn’t the unemotional husk I assumed I was. However painful it might be to think about, he could leave me tomorrow and I knew I’d never return to the person I had been before I met him. I may live a life alone, but I refused to live my life as a lie. And if my mother couldn’t accept that—I let out a cracked sigh. If my mother couldn’t accept me as I was, I’d have to find a way to live with that.

I touched my back pocket even though I knew my phone was on the file cabinet near my bed. I so wanted to hear his voice right now. The next time I ran off on an emotional tangent, I’d definitely make sure to remember my phone.

My hand fingered AJ’s damp sorrel hide and I shook my head. I could have handled this better. I ran off like a child rather than staying and working things out like a man. Still, reflecting back now that I was calmer, I knew I wouldn’t have done anything differently. Her rejection had gone deep, and had been sharper than I ever expected.

AJ stepped gingerly down into the creek, a far cry from our manic dash through it earlier. Maybe he was feeling melancholy too. I scratched his neck and shoulder while he drank, then pulled his head up before he drank too much. I gazed longingly down the side trail, the trail that would take me to Zane. Squaring my shoulders, I wheeled AJ around and headed towards my father. I may not be feeling it right now, but it was the adult thing to do.

Chapter Fifteen

Adult or no, as I crossed the road to the church my father came running out and the tears returned. He met me in the gravel parking lot, his face all kinds of concerned. Laying a soothing hand on my leg, his eyes misted over and I lost it. My father might be a compassionate man, but I’d only ever seen him cry once, back when I was attacked by our own dog.

“I’m sorry,” I choked out.

He shook his head, then swallowed and turned. “Tom,
TOM
.”

Tom came limping from the maintenance shed. “Yes’sa, I hear ya.” The old man took in the scene, and without having to be asked, took hold of AJ’s reins. In the ten years he’d lived in the basement of the church, I doubted he’d ever seen either one of us in such a state.

As I slid off AJ, Dad caught me, somehow knowing my legs weren’t in any condition to hold me once my feet hit the gravel. Silently he half-carried, half-led me into his office, and settled me in his big leather chair. He handed me the box of Kleenex off his desk before disappearing into the bathroom he shared with Tom.

He returned carrying a washcloth. “You’re mother called.” Kneeling down he wiped the grime off my face. I wasn’t surprised to see how dirty I was.

“I figured.” Even though the breath I took hitched, I had shed my tears for her.

“Zane was out looking for you.” He wiped off my forehead.

I gazed at him intent on his task. “What?” I asked, confused.

His tawny hazel eyes met mine, the concern softening within their depths. His eyes had always been expressive, and strangely, in that moment, I realized I was glad I had inherited them.

He nodded, continuing to wipe off my cheeks. “I called him, told him what happened. He’s been looking for you ever since.” He stood, setting the washcloth on the glass covering the surface of his old wood desk. He leaned against the edge and stared at the watermarked ceiling. “I don’t know what I did wrong...”

My chest tightened as my hands fisted, but I forced myself to listen, knowing we needed to have this conversation regardless of how much it might hurt.

“Why you didn’t feel comfortable enough to come talk to me.” He sniffed bringing his eyes back down to me. “Do you know how hard it is for a father to watch his son struggle, knowing what he needs to find, but unable to help him in the journey?”

Stunned, I blinked down at my hands, then tucked them under my arms. “You knew...how long did you know?” My eyes floated up, not sure what I expected, but expecting something.

He shook his head slowly. “A long time. Ever since you and Tye started roping.”

“But we started roping in seventh grade.”

Scratching his head thoughtfully, he then nodded. “That would be about right. It was pretty hard to miss the way you looked at him.”

I shuffled in the chair, pulling my ankle onto my knee as I tried to absorb the quiet acceptance in my dad’s tone. It wasn’t what I had expected from him, at least not right away. “You know, I didn’t even know I was doing it. Not until recently anyway.” I peered up at him wondering what else he knew, what more he could stun me with.

He smiled sadly. “Denial. We all do it. You took it to an unhealthy extreme though.”

I shook my head, unsure what he meant by that.

“You went into hiding. My wonderfully extroverted son became an introvert...” He took a deep breath and his chin wobbled for a second. It had been a slow decline, one I hadn’t been  completely aware of until I met Zane, and I never imagined how my retreat had affected those around me.

“The only thing I could do was to let you know I was there if you needed me. It was painful, watching you pull back from everything and everyone. Then”—he fingered some papers on his desk—“I found you and Zane in the barn...” He smiled again. “You were so scared. It was so hard not to hug you right then. And so I waited. Watching my son struggle to return, but unable...” He paused, and I saw the pain etch his face, pain I had unknowingly caused him. All those times he left his door open, hoping I might come in and talk to him. Instead I had retreated into myself, and that rejection had hurt him.

“It took me a long time to find myself. And when I finally did—I was afraid of exactly what happened this morning,” I admitted, then rubbed my sore eyes, and wondered aloud, “How can...How can you and Mom have such different opinions?”

“Gabriel, she loves you more than anything. Soon, she’ll remember that. And if you can forgive her for her transgressions, she’ll be able to forgive herself.”

“I need time too. What she did—the way she acted...”

“She hurt you.”

“Yes, she did.” I stood, and he followed. “Can I use your phone? I need to call Zane, let him know I’m okay.”

“I called him the second I saw you coming down the road. I think I should take you home,” he said, and I immediately shook my head, still not ready to face Mom. He palmed my face. “Stay in the trailer for as long as you need. I can bring some things out for you. Your mom, she’s hurting too, but she’ll understand. I can’t guarantee she won’t hover though.”

“She will, I know she will. I’m okay, besides you have the men’s group, and I need to take care of AJ.”

He smiled as he retrieved the washcloth. “Such a good man.”

“Dad?”

He paused on his way to the bathroom and turned. “Yeah, son?”

“All these years I thought there was something wrong with me. Then—Are you ashamed to have a gay son?” My voice caught on the last word.

“No. Oh, Gabriel, no.” He came over, and took me in his arms, something I hadn’t allowed for years. “How could you think that? There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s never been anything wrong with you.” He stroked my hair and I hugged him fiercely, having forgotten how strong he was, and how safe I had always felt in his arms. “You’re my son, and I’ll always
be
here. Don’t ever forget that again.”

I hugged him tighter. “I love you.” I wasn’t ashamed to say it.

“I love you too. Do you think we need an equality discourse tomorrow?”

“Uhm...”

“I’m joking.” He chuckled. “I could never have anything prepared in time. I’ll work on it for next week.”

“Dad, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m not...”

Eyes gleamed mischievously as he squeezed my shoulders, and kissed my forehead. “You’re quite gullible right now aren’t you?”

“It’s been a rough day.”

“I know it has. I shouldn’t have joked about such a thing. Go get some rest. I’ll call your mom, let her know your okay, and that you need some alone time.”

“Thanks.”

*

The instant my feet hit the carpet in the living quarters I was done for. I could buck ninety pound hay bales all day and never be this exhausted. Who’d have thought coming out, or rather being found out by your parents, could be so draining. My brows pulled together as my mind finally turned that puzzle piece over. Dad said they had known, but why did Mom choose
this
particular morning? My head throbbed threateningly as I tried to find the link. I’d figure it out later, or better yet, just ask Dad.

Shedding my dusty clothes where I stood, I glanced at the clock on the microwave. With my phone hostage in the house, I would have preferred to keep on to the Cormley’s despite the inherent danger Zane’s aunt presented. However, I’d barely made it to our own driveway astride AJ. My system required a recharge, and if I was lucky I could catch an hour’s nap before our date. Yeah, I was just crazy enough after the day I’d had to still want to go.

Making my way to the bathroom, I discovered what they said about driving tired versus driving drunk was true. I walked a much straighter line drunk. Getting my pajama bottoms on proved a comedic task. And had I not been so sore, I probably would have mustered some amusement over my ricocheting off the walls like the steely in a pinball game, while the trailer rocked as if someone was trying to tilt the machine.

I groaned myself onto the bunk, and my eyes closed before I face-planted the pillow.

*

My lids feinted open as the soft rap of knuckles on aluminum drifted to me. I was lying on my arms, my fingers numb, without the energy to even care. What made my mom think I would be ready to talk to her so soon?

“Go away,” I croaked, closing my eyes again. The latch rattled, then the door was yanked open allowing the low-hung sun in. “I said go away.” I turned into my pillow wondering why I hadn’t locked the damn door. “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“We don’t need to talk, but I’m not leaving.”

I whipped my head around so fast my neck, shoulders, back, hell, my whole body complained, and my face tweaked in agreement. “
Ow
. Zane?” I blinked at him. “Am I dreaming?”

“You look like shit.” Leaning his arms onto the bunk, his fingers feathered my shoulder, my arm. God it felt so good, I wanted him to do that to my whole body.

“I’ll take that as a compliment after the day I’ve had.”

Picking up the corner of the sheet he wiped my cheek and mouth. “Drool.”

“Oh.” I rolled sheepishly onto my side, intending to wipe my face, but my rubbery arms wouldn’t cooperate. I gave up and began rubbing them in an attempt to bring them back to life. “I thought you were my mom.”

“I get that a lot. It must be the hair.” He took my hands, and began massaging them. Despite my haggard state, I felt my lips curl. He could always make me smile. “Your dad told me you didn’t have your phone, but why didn’t you come to me?”

He was hurt by that, I could see it in the stoop of his shoulders, the pensive curl of his lips, the downward cast of his eyes.

I took my hands back, and scrubbed my face. “I don’t know. I just let AJ run.” Letting my hands fall I stared at the ceiling only a few feet above my head, while the pain of this morning grated back over me. “I never thought she’d act that way, you know? I just needed to get away.” I looked at him then, and found him chewing his lip thoughtfully. I scooted towards him, until I could feel his warmth, absorb the familiar, sweet smell of his leather jacket. “When I finally quit running, all I wanted was to see you. I was kinda a mess though, and if your aunt were home...Anyway, I decided it might be better to face my dad and get it all over with. You know, the last nail in the coffin. But he surprised me.” I frowned and shook my head. “I just can’t figure out—I mean, my father said they knew, so what made today the day?”

Zane held the lip of the bunk and leaned back onto his heels, his head dipping before rotating towards the window above the couch. “I think I can answer that. When I got back to the house after walking you home, your dad was there. I walked into what felt like an intervention.”

“Oh God,” I groaned, hiding behind my hands.

“
Oh
,
yeah
, to hear my aunt talk, He was there too; judging me. Anyway, she laid out a fairly vivid portrayal of what happened. When she was done blathering, she looked at your dad as if he were a catholic priest about to perform an exorcism. But it didn’t go down that way. We went to my room and just talked. You know, your dad, he’s pretty cool. I came to the conclusion he knew when he wouldn’t quit smiling, and kept asking me if I cared for the boy.”

I peeked out from my fingers, completely embarrassed. “He didn’t?”

Zane grinned and nodded. “He did. It was really sweet though, and I knew he was okay with everything. Then this morning he calls me looking for you, and tells me all hell’s broken loose.”

I snorted softly. That was about what it had felt like at the time. Zane pushed in close, taking one of my hands, and tucking it against his chest.

“I kept telling myself you were smart, that you’d be okay. But in the back of my mind I couldn’t help wondering if...if I’d ever see you again.” He took a deep breath, and it shook. “Your dad’s really cool you know.”

How frantic had he been while searching for me? I felt bad for making him worry, but other emotions, stronger emotions crowded out the guilt. I didn’t know what they were, only that they swelled up inside me, filling me with an ache that was both tender and raw. I moved in until our noses were almost touching. “You already said that.”

His glistening blue eyes met mine. “He called me...”

“I know.”

Zane shook his head slightly, blinking to clear his eyes. “He called me
after
you two talked. Do you know what he told me?”

I shook my head, our noses brushing together. Zane leaned in, our foreheads touched.

“He told me, and I quote; I believe my son needs his boyfriend right now more than anything.”

I pulled back, about to blurt a denial, then stopped. I watched the resonances of that statement descend upon his face, softening his eyes, coloring his cheeks, parting his lips.

“He knows me better than I seem to know myself. I do, I really do. So, maybe you could get your ass up here and hold me?”

His smile was radiant as he shuffled out of his coat while kicking off his tennis shoes. I moved over, making room for him, and switched the pillows so he wouldn’t have my drool to contend with.

“I guess we’re not going out.” I fell face-down onto my pillow not caring either way as long as Zane was with me. Glancing over, I noticed all the light had left his face, and he was in suspended animation with a knee on the bunk and a foot on the couch.