You're Always in the Last Place You Look (8 page)

C
hapter Nine

I about collapsed onto the work station when second bell rang and Zane hadn’t appeared. I’d been eavesdropping as Chuck spouted off about his new plans to rodeo for a few years following graduation. The idea would have made me laugh if my guts hadn’t been twisting up like barbwire at the possible reason for his sudden change of heart. Chuck hadn’t managed to make the high school finals once. What made him believe he could cut it in the big leagues was beyond me. And from what I was overhearing, beyond almost everyone.

Not to mention he had been steady with Mariah for two years, and everyone knew they planned to marry after high school. The Greggor’s place had seen better days, yet they still owned all their land, and ran close to a three-hundred head of cattle on it. Chuck, with hopes of turning the place around, had been fixing up the old bunkhouse, intending to stay on and partner with his dad rather than going to college. These plans hadn’t altered in two years—until now.

I tried not to let it bother me. Chuck and Zane were more alike than Zane and I would ever be. The idea that Chuck might be interested in Zane
that way
was beyond crazy. But then, only a few weeks ago I still believed myself to be a card carrying heterosexual—then an altercation with a damn bumblebee changed everything.

Scuffling into Algebra, I slouched into my normal seat at the back of the class, doing my best to blend in with the grey wall. I was horrible at math, but Mr. Kernsey never bothered to call on me, passing me solely on the fact I showed up everyday—and mostly paid attention. Even if I didn’t understand a word he was saying. Today, however, my mind was churning up dust, and the gritty memories of things I had tried hard to forget eventually surfaced. There weren’t many, but the ones that were there, when strung together, told me the story of what others had seen. I had always kept my head down, eyes cleverly averted, not daring to cause a stir even when provoked. I nervously avoided guys, and completely hid from girls. The few that had managed to snare me, hadn’t kept me long, I’d made sure of that. I’d never thought of myself as a loner, but now that I looked back, I was entirely pathetic. And then there were those few things I had tucked away, and refused to think about. I was remembering them now though.

*

I blinked at Lily over my tuna sandwich. “You saw...” I moaned, shaking my head in disbelief. Tossing my sandwich down, I crossed my arms on the table and added my head to the pile. “How did I not get beat up before now?” I peered at her with one eye.

“You were nine, for God’s sake! It was sweet, and you two were attached at the hip the whole time he was here.” She snickered behind her hand.

Alex had been so cool, here for three months on a student exchange from Brazil, and so different with his obscenely large green eyes, tawny skin, and shiny black hair. Not to mention the kid could out-rope, and out-ride us all. To say I had been smitten—yeah, looking back I definitely had been.

The “sweet” thing Lily was giggling over had been our goodbye the day before he went back home. Now that the memory had thrashed its way back into my mind, the details were pretty damn vivid. He had placed his hands on my face and kissed me, but over the years I had conveniently forgotten my part in it all—how I had wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back. As Lily said I had only been nine, however I recalled how right it had felt to kiss him back...so
normal
.

Unlike the hard-on I kept sprouting last year when Dirk parked himself next to me in the shower after gym.
Those
felt anything
but
normal. Closer to death defying actually. I may not like Dirk, but the boy was built better than most bulls, and hung almost as well. It had been a time of mortification, and looking over my shoulder for months worried I was going to get thrashed any minute, but to my surprise, no thrashing ever came.

“Other than the adorable Brazilian, you’ve never”—Lily glanced surreptitiously around then leaned towards me—“even kissed a guy, have you?” 

“You know I haven’t.” I had already told her about Zane trying to kiss me, and my less than sexy reaction. I grinned slyly as Tye’s offer waved at me. “Someone offered though.” That he even made the suggestion was becoming less surprising, and more amusing by the day.

Her hazel eyes widened excitedly. “Who?”

I shook my head vaguely at her, not willing to give up Tye. Lily wouldn’t blab, but telling her would be too much like an invasion of Tye’s privacy. She smirked as her eyes traveled to the table Tye was sitting at—the same table where Gary sat scraping out a pudding cup with a plastic spoon.

“It can only be one of two.” Her eyebrows rose, and I gave her a warning look. “Mums the word,” she said with a knowing smile. “I still think you should talk with your pastor. I think he could help.”

I snorted, and shoved the last quarter of my sandwich in my mouth, chasing the lump down with a several gulps of apple juice. “Not going to happen. At least not yet.”

*

Wednesday morning Zane strode into science lab like he owned it, right past Chuck without even gracing him with a glance. He plopped down next to me, setting his bag on the floor, then pinched my thigh without even flicking his eyes my way.

“What was that for?” I asked, tapping my pen on my notepad, and refusing to look at him, even though one eye blatantly betrayed me.

A small smile flashed, then disappeared. “If you decked me then you’d have changed your mind.”

“About what?” I asked, confused.

“Us.”

“There’s an us?” I was still confused, but I had this overwhelming urge to hug him for ignoring Chuck moments ago—and, yeah, possibly for implying there might be an us.

He leaned over, retrieving a pen from his backpack, his shoulder pushing against mine. “Of course there is. We slept together didn’t we?”

I snorted, then coughed, then stared at the side of his face, at the tattoo there, at the slow crinkle beginning to decorate the corner of his eye, aghast, if mockingly, over the insinuation. Yet I was totally aware that Zane still leaned against me, and that his scent, so intoxicating, was causing my body to react against my will and better judgment. How could something so simple cause such a volatile reaction, and damn, why didn’t girls smell like him? There was that niggling incertitude again; gay—not gay—or not wanting to be gay, but needing to feel...
something
. God I wanted to feel.

Zane tipped his head ever so slightly when I shifted uncomfortably on my stool. I was still mad at him, even though I didn’t really have a right to be. Glancing surreptitiously around, I knocked my pen to the floor with my elbow. Seeing no one was remotely paying attention to us, I ducked down.

“First off we did not sleep together. We didn’t even make it to first base. Secondly, getting drunk together does not an us make. And third—”

Zane seized the inside of my thigh and kissed me beneath the station. It was all of three languid confused blinks of my eyelids before his confident lips disappeared, and he straightened, setting a binder on the table. It was so sudden, so unexpected, I wondered if I’d imagined it. But the ghost of sensation was there, caressing my lips, telling me I hadn’t imagined it. I rose up, smacking my head hard enough to lift the station table. Not an easy task since it took two people to move them.

“Ow!” Pushing my stool back, I clutched the back of my head and curled over my legs.

“You okay, Gabe?” Zane leaned over, adding in a whisper, “I could kiss it, and make it better.”

“Shut up,” I snapped, making him chuckle. Rubbing my head, I groaned and sat up, throwing my pen onto the table. Zane caught it before it rolled onto the floor, setting it gently on my notebook.

“Oh Jesus, that’s sharp.” He withdrew his hand from the edge. “Seriously, are you okay? No blood? Are you dizzy at all?”

I gave him a sidelong glare, and when I saw actual concern painted across his face an odd stutter danced beneath my breastbone. Ignoring it, I probed my head, and didn’t find any dampness.

“I’m okay. I don’t think I actually hit the edge.”

“You hit pretty hard...if you feel dizzy—”

“I
said
I was fine, no thanks to you. I can’t believe you did that!” I hissed.

Playing with his pen, he whispered, “Sorry, it just happened.” His forehead wrinkled as if the idea perplexed him, and that little nuance kinda pissed me off, making me feel like the mere idea of kissing me was beyond him. Maybe he needed to be drunk to find me appealing.

“Take a walk with me after school.” When I didn’t answer his eyes sought mine. “Please?”

I sighed, and couldn’t resist asking, “Are you asking me on a date?” I was going for teasing, but it came out more snarky than anything.

His eyes widened for a second before a corner of his mouth quirked up. “Only if you’re ready, God Boy.”

Wiping my palms on my jeans I bit my cheek, nodding just as second bell rang and Mr. Taylor waltzed in, gesturing for order. “I’m ready,” I said just loud enough for Zane to hear. “And quit calling me God Boy.”

Tight lipped, he nodded, as he turned his head towards the window. The glass mirrored the smile he was trying to hide, and soon I was grinning like a fool. I had a date—with Zane. Well, really it was just a walk, probably by the river, probably because he needed someone to talk to, and knew he could do that with me. Still...

*

Totally in another dimension at lunch—and unwilling to share with Lily why, despite her pleading—I was now in a state of...what? Excitement? Nervousness? Despair? The
date
with Zane wouldn’t leave me alone, making it impossible to think about anything else.

When, at long last, the final bell rang, I stood, quickly grabbing my backpack. Too quickly, as I took hold of the bottom and upended it, sending my books, phone, pens, pencils, and everything else onto the floor. As I crouched down to shovel it all back in, my legs trembled. Then I noticed my hands were shaking too.

I took a deep breath, and blew it out with a small chuckle. It wasn’t as if Zane planned to lure me into the woods so he could take advantage of me. If he had wanted
that
from me, he would have taken it when I was drunk and half-passed out. But he hadn’t even slept in the same bed. What
would
I have done if I had woken to find him next to me? Freaked probably—maybe.

The thought of kissing his thin lips, running my fingers through his black hair, smelling him, tasting him—a shudder ran from my head to my toes. Not longing—that was...disgust. I sighed. I was so
disgusted
my jeans were growing tight over the mere idea of spending time with Zane. So he was a guy. At least I was reacting to
someone
right? I chose not to analyze any of it. If I did, I would find myself running. I just wasn’t positive which way I’d be heading.

Taking a few steps down the north hall, I stood on tiptoe and looked towards Zane’s locker. Not finding him, I headed to mine.

But he wasn’t there either. After shoving my bag into the tiny space, I leaned against my locker, and waited. The halls cleared. I checked his locker again, and found the school depleted of life. No Zane—not even a teacher remained. Another sigh, only this one ached deep in my chest.
He stood me up
.

Chapter Ten

I never imagined being stood up could bother me. But I was bothered, angry, hurt...
God it hurt
. How could he have done this to me? Didn’t he understand I was in a fragile state right now? Maybe not fragile—but definitely confused, even somewhat lost—okay a lot lost—within my own sexuality. And I was warming to the idea of exploring the possibilities with him, then he goes and ditches me. Didn’t he know this could scar me for life?

I shoved the door open with enough force it banged into the door stop. The afternoon sun blinded me as the scent of cloves wafted over. Although I could barely see him through the sun’s glare, I made my pissed off presence clear as I followed the scent of his cigarette.

“You stood me up!” I hated that my voice shook.

“I thought you forgot me...”

We both stopped talking, and stared at the other.

Zane spoke first. “I went to your locker, and when you weren’t there I came out here figuring you had to pass by at some point.”

I deflated. “I thought you left.”

He nodded, smirking coyly. “I kinda got that.” His teeth worked over his lip ring. “You’re, um...anyone ever tell you you’re kinda sexy when you’re mad?”

“No.”
He thinks I’m sexy
. Warmth raced over my shoulders and up my neck.

He canted his head. “Sexy when you blush too.”

“TMI okay? Just keep that stuff to yourself...for now...please?” Even though I told him that, I savored the compliment, holding it tight, and cherishing the honesty I could hear in his voice. I wasn’t going to let him know how much I needed his assurance though. That was for my own use.

He nodded as he took a final drag. “It’ll be near impossible, but I can try.” Stepping on the stub, he held his hand out.

I stared at it, unsure. And for some bizarre reason I noticed he had changed his nail polish to sapphire and silver, and then wondered if he had done his toes too.

“I just...I’m not ready...I’m not even sure...” I stammered, even though I really did want to touch him, just not here where someone might see us. I took in the desolate front parking lot.
What? Like a ghost
?

He hooked my neck, planting his lips on my temple. “A bit too much. I get it.”

“Yeah, and what you just did was
so much
less intrusive.” His lips were remarkably warm, and a little wet, and it was all I could do not to touch the spot his lips had been.

Grinning he went to kiss me again, and I ducked away. “Enough—geez.”

I sighed, and grudgingly took his hand to prevent his more blatant displays of affection. Immediately he laced his fingers between mine. It was hard not to notice how his narrow fingers fit comfortably between my thicker ones, or how they nestled into the hollows between my knuckles like a dovetail.
Or how blissfully right they felt against my skin
.

We reached the barbwire fence surrounding Mr. Haynes’s property, and Zane snubbed the wire up so I could crawl through. Letting loose of his hand, I tugged only to have him cinch down.

His eyes narrowed as he gave me a thoughtful appraisal. “If I let go, I fear you won’t let me have it back.”

“Are you serious?” Yet just looking at him, I could tell he was. “You have my word. I’ll let you hold my hand again.” It sounded ridiculous, like we were kids or something, but if I were being honest, I didn’t want let him go either. He gripped my hand as if he knew it—knew me. A gentle squeeze here, a stroke of his thumb there, the movements triggering warm tingles up my arm, and occasionally all the way across my shoulders. Even my stomach felt them, and fluttered in expectation of the next one. I could say it was nausea, but the larger part of me knew it was something much more profound.

“You don’t sound very convincing,” he said suspiciously.

I saw the tick then. The muscle around the outside corner of his left eye appeared seized, pulling half his eye closed, and causing his temple to twitch.

I felt the muscles in my face soften, and knew I had been hiding from him behind a mask of indifference. “I promise,” I said sincerely.

He drew in a few breaths, as if letting go of my hand was a monumental effort. Finally he looked down to where his fingers laced through mine, and slowly loosened his grip, letting my hand slide free. When we were both through the fence he snatched my hand back, bringing it to his chest. I looked at him and his eyes were closed, his throat working, as he gripped my hand.

He opened his eyes, a haze of trepidation clearing. “I know I’m being weird. I’m not dangerous though...I promise. So, um, do you think you could just ignore some of the things I might do?”

“Should I be scared?” I asked, leaning away teasingly as if contemplating my getaway.

He laughed, then leered. “Yeah, maybe.”

I grinned, not feeling the least bit threatened. “At least you’re honest. So where are we going?”

“Deep into the woods.” He set off, tugging me until I was beside him.

I patted my pants pockets. “Damn, all out of breadcrumbs. If you’d be so kind as to send my folks an anonymous note on where to find my body, it would be appreciated.”

“Oh, definitely. That’s the least I could do.”

“So, are you going to let me in on your hand-holding fetish?”

He gave me a sidelong glance as he played with his lip ring. “No.”

“Fair enough. Did you take your pill?” I asked, because his cheek was now twitching.

“That I’ll answer, only because it’s you. Yes, but, sometimes if I’m stressed or excited, even with medication I can’t control some of the spasms.” He shrugged. “What can I say? I was born with a broken brain.”

I let my thumb caress the back of his hand, traveling over
kilz
, before asking, “Which are you right now?”

He looked confused for half a second then his lips tightened. “A little of both, I think,” he said, fighting a smile, but I smiled big enough for both of us, knowing just how he felt. I knew what the flutter in my stomach was now. I’d heard others talk about having them, but they’d never bothered me. Not even while sitting in the header box about to nod.
Butterflies
. And they were annoying and beautiful all at the same time. They made me feel alive.

I hesitated, cocking my head, and the gentle butterflies morphed into ravenous bats as fear prickled my skin. “Ah, I think we should run.” Moving forward, I tugged on his hand while he wavered, listening for what I had heard. Grinning, he dropped my hand. Just like that, he let it go.

“What are you doing? We have to go now!” I took hold of his arm and tugged again. The thing was getting closer, and Zane was just standing there grinning like a fool. And if he didn’t move he was going to be a dead fool.

“Gabriel, it’s just a dog.”

“That deep bark?” I pointed in the general direction. “That is not
just a dog
! That is a monster, a menace put on this earth to terrorize people.” Mr. Smitt’s
thing
could not be called a dog. The beast had guarded his small junkyard south of town until two years ago when Mr. Smitt began losing his sight, and was forced to retire. Most days you could pass through his property adjoining the Haynes farm without notice. But every now and then the brute decided he missed the taste of blood, and would chase you long past the boundaries of his own domain. I had never been caught, but everyone knew someone who had been bitten by him.

“He’s. Just. A. Dog.” And with that Zane turned and whistled. “Ruger!” he called through cupped hands. I wasn’t even aware the beast had a name, and for that matter, how in the heck did Zane know it?

Despite Zane’s confidence, my back found the barbwire fence causing it to creak on its loose moorings. Ruger’s menacing baying grew louder, and I glanced back, moving to a section where the fence was down, readying my escape. Zane wanted to be that trusting, well, he was on his own. I didn’t do dogs, not since our heeler had latched onto the back of my neck when I was five, fully intent on killing me. My father couldn’t even get him off me, and had to shoot him while he still had a hold of me. It had broken his heart in more ways than one, and needless to say, we stuck to barn cats after that.

The big black and tan beast broke free of the fescue. “Ruger...” Zane growled. The animal dropped his head, hackles and lips rising as one just as an ominous growl grew from within his massive body. “Ruger...” Zane rumbled back, then leapt on the thing, tackling him to the grass. “Belly?”

Ruger flopped over exposing his belly, and Zane lay next to him scratching away as he baby-talked to the big dog.

“What a good boy...you missed me...yes you did...
grrr
...
grrr
...” Zane rolled around with him, continuing to growl into the dog’s neck and face.

“Um, maybe I should leave you two alone?”

Zane looked up at my voice while Ruger glanced at me upside down, his wide tongue lolling out the side of his foamy mouth.

“I think Ruger would love for you to join instead?”

“Yeah, not into threesomes...” My voice shook, unsurprisingly.

Zane stood, brushing off his jeans. “You know, people see this”—he wiggled Ruger’s studded collar—“and this”—Zane clutched a handful of Ruger’s loose skin—“and assume he’s mean.”

“I know he’s mean. He’s bitten—”

“Nipped. He nips. When a person runs, he thinks it’s a game and lays chase. Then when he gets your pants leg, he shakes it. And that scares people. But if they’d only stop, they’d realize he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. Do you Ruger?” Zane ruffled the dog’s neck.

“I’ll take your word on it. But I’m not about to make friends with him.”

He shrugged. “Your loss.” Clasping Ruger’s big jowls, Zane kissed the top of his head. “Now go home.” He pointed, and the dog trotted off towards the house, then hesitated. “
Go
,” came the command again, accompanied by a stiff wave of his finger, and Ruger loped off.

“How do you know so much about dogs, and how do you know
that
particular one?”

“Keith and I used to volunteer twice a month at an animal shelter, and I met Smitty the first time I walked through here. He sicced Ruger on me, and when there wasn’t screaming, he came out and talked to me. He’s pretty lonely actually. Smitty, not the dog.” Taking my hand again, we continued across the field towards the edge of the state forest land that butted up to Mr. Smitt’s property.

“Who’s Keith?”

His hand all but fell away. He shook his head as his face twisted. How could I be so dense? Keith was probably his brother.

I gently squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Sometimes I forget they’re gone, and mention them, not realizing I’ve done it. But then I remember...”

“You can’t just forget them, Zane. You have to keep them in your heart.” My dad’s words, not mine, but they seemed apropos right now.

He leaned against my shoulder, and I leaned back. “It’s really hard, but I’m trying,” he admitted quietly.

Damn, I was really beginning to like him. I knew he was hurting, probably angry, maybe even slightly askew, but underneath all that, Zane was honest, kind, and remarkably brave. And that made him a really decent human being.

A hundred feet into the forest the outside world ceased to exist. No longer could you hear the traffic on the state route through town, or the tractors working the surrounding fields. It even smelled different here; Mother Nature’s musky perfume tamping out even the most stringent of civilization’s aromas. Leaning towards Zane, I cautiously breathed in, unable to keep the smile off my face when I found I could still smell the wondrousness of him.

“What was that for?”

“What?” I asked innocently, embarrassed to have been caught.

“You know what,” he accused, a teasing lilt to his voice.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He released my hand, a shaft of sunlight making his eyes glitter. “Mmm.” Retrieving his pack of cigarettes, he headed towards the creek. “It’s not the first time I’ve caught you smelling me, cowboy.” His lighter flared as he lit a smoke. “I like how you smell too.” He called over his shoulder as he sashayed around the crook in the trail, and was swallowed by huckleberry bushes.

Okay, yep, devastated over my indiscretion. I pressed my hands to my warm cheeks, positive I was blushing like a fool. And why the heck did I seem to only blush around him? Well, maybe a little around Tye too.
Wait
, he said he liked the way...

I scrambled after him, and found him leaning casually against a ponderosa pine, his back to the creek.

I examined the rock shelf across the clear water, trying to find something interesting about the grey stone, but it was remarkably drab. “Um, sooo...how do I smell?” There wasn’t even a fern clinging to the granite. Damn.

He laughed, pulling my eyes to him for a moment, before I glanced sheepishly away again. Why in the world had I asked him that? I wasn’t normally a bashful person around girls, but Zane—he seemed to have a line directly to the parts of me I’d never known existed, or hadn’t really gotten along with, like that thing down below that usually just hung there, disinterested most of the time. Now it wanted to shake hands and get cozy with whatever part of Zane it could reach, and it had been reaching out a lot whenever Zane was around. I knew what that probably meant, but it didn’t stop me from being nervous—and fairly terrified.