Zane's the Other Side of the Pillow (18 page)

“If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then would you realize how special you are to me.”

—Unknown

I
decided to spend a few days in Florida with my mother and my sister, Alexis. I moped around most of the time, but the change of scenery helped a little. Mom didn't drill me with questions about Jemistry. She'd already sent Daddy on that mission and I was positive that he'd reported back to her. It was obvious that my parents still loved each other but my father had fucked up and there was no turning back from that. I hadn't fucked up and there was no turning back for me either.

When I landed back at Baltimore–Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport, I was waiting curbside to catch the shuttle bus to the long-term parking lot when I smelled her. I could never forget her smell. I turned around and Jemistry was standing behind me, staring at me. She had on a flowing sundress made up of a kaleidoscope of colors and a pair of sandals. Her nails and toes were painted a pastel blue and she had auburn highlights in her hair. She had a tan and it was obvious she was returning from a trip herself. She had a suitcase on wheels and a large tote on her shoulder. Sunglasses shielded her eyes, but she was definitely looking at me.

I could barely breathe.

“Good afternoon, Tevin,” she said. “It's been a while.”

“Yes, it's been months,” I replied. “I've been looking for you. I've
been to your place. I called DC Public Schools, but they wouldn't help me and since school was closed, I couldn't show up at your job.”

“What did you go through all of that for?”

Was she seriously asking me that?

“Jemistry, I love you. I'd walk over burning coals, or fight a shark for you.”

“Or fuck my roommate!”

I took two steps closer to her and she didn't move away.

“Baby, I've had a long time to look at this from your perspective and I understand that you're going to believe what you want to believe. And if you don't want anything to do with me, I'll accept that. I have accepted it, but only because I had no choice.

“But I want you to know something, and you can take it or leave it for what it's worth. The only fear that I have in this world is losing you forever. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm afraid to live without you. Nothing else matters to me. I'm just going through life on autopilot right now.”

“Yeah, well, that makes two of us,” she replied and switched her tote to the other arm.

“You need me to carry that for you?”

“No, I'm fine.”

We stood there in silence. My shuttle pulled up and I pretended like I didn't even see it while other people boarded.

“Weren't you waiting on that bus?” Jemistry asked and pointed.

“I'm not walking away from you. Not again. I should've let you call the police on me that night and waited for them to drag me out of there. If it gave me five or ten more minutes with you, it would've been worth it. But I'm not ever walking away from you again. You're going to have to walk away from me.”

Jemistry turned her back to me and took a few steps. My heart sank. I wanted to cry out to her, but what else was there to say? I'd
already told her that I hadn't betrayed her. I'd already professed my undying love for her. I'd already told her that I'd rather die than be without her.

I turned around and faced the curb and started wiping away the tears falling down my face. Seconds seemed like hours. A few people started looking at me, but I didn't care, and I couldn't help it. What I felt was real and, contrary to what many believe, a real man will cry over his emotions.

Then I felt her hand on my back, and smelled her perfume. “Tevin? Tevin?”

I turned and looked down at her. She had removed her sunglasses and I was staring into her beautiful eyes. “I want to believe you, I do. It's just that the last thing that I expected was to come home that day and—”

“Baby, think about it. Do you honestly believe that I would make plans to cook you a romantic dinner, and then try to fuck your roommate when you could show up at any minute? Even if I was the biggest man whore on the planet, which I'm not, I'm not that damn stupid.”

She bit her bottom lip and continued to gaze at me.

“You said yourself that Winsome was promiscuous and you also know that she didn't want you to move in with me. We'd talked about that; we'd discussed it.

“That day, when I was grilling the fish, I told Winsome that I wanted us to make it official. Not only had I planned to ask you to move in, I was going to propose.”

“Propose?”

“Yes, propose. I bought you a ring when we were in the Caymans. That day that I said I was going out for a run. Instead, I went into town and purchased a ring. A ring that I still have to this day because I've never given up hope on us. I've tried to accept losing you, but that's an impossible concept to me.”

“I . . .”

“Jemistry, all I want you to do is analyze this, and I know for a fact that you have before. It's in your nature. Even though it may seem easier to believe that I'm the typical man who would think with his dick, you know that I'm not that man. I'm your man.

“Which one of us had more to gain by you walking in on us that day? Winsome or me?”

“Winsome got kicked out!”

“Yes, but she went out with a bang. She wanted to see you hurt because she was trying to be selfish and controlling. She couldn't stand to see you be happy. She couldn't stomach the thought of you finding true love with anyone. It had nothing to even do with me. It had everything to do with her being jealous of you.

“You weren't throwing pity parties with her all the time anymore. You weren't telling every man in the world to kiss your ass. You weren't spending as much time at home, and how dare you actually consider moving out and making her become self-sufficient or find another roommate. That was the ultimate straw to her.

“She didn't have that shit planned, but she was quick on the draw, and it worked. It worked like a motherfucking charm. She played on your history of getting rid of men and she knew exactly what trigger to push to make you eject me out of your life.

“But I'm always going to love you, whether you love me back or not. You can't tell me that I can't love you . . . no one can. I'll go to my grave loving you, no matter what.”

Jemistry looked like she was about to cry, but she fought it. She did a better job than me.

“My car is in the daily lot,” she finally said. “I'll leave here and drive directly to your house. I'll meet you there . . . so we can talk.”

I was scared to let her out of my sight. “You promise?”

“I promise.” She pushed her suitcase toward me. “Here, take my suitcase so you'll know I'm serious.”

I picked up her bag as she started backing away, still maintaining eye contact. “We should talk. There's a lot that I need to tell you as well.”

I grinned, an authentic grin for the first time in months. “If you beat me there, your key still works.”

She smiled, turned from me, and started walking to her car as the next shuttle bus pulled up and I climbed onboard.

“Love is not about how much you say ‘I love you,' but about how much you prove that it's true.”

—Unknown

T
evin beat me to his house, even though he had to catch the shuttle to long-term parking first. I wasn't the least bit surprised. My emotions were all over the place as I got out of my SUV and walked up to his door. It would have been easier to continue to be away from him and go on with my life, but I had spent a few days on the beach in St. Thomas trying to decide what made sense and what didn't with regards to what went down.

He was correct in his assumption that I had analyzed the entire situation over and over. He was also correct that I had ascertained that Winsome had been the aggressor and that he had not come there intentionally to be with her in an intimate way. What confused me was the guilty look on his face when I caught them both coming out of the bedroom. What had actually happened? Did they have intercourse? And if so, how could she have forced him to do it?

I had kicked Winsome out and had her taken off the lease. Then, since it was a month-to-month anyway, I moved and sublet a place for a few months from a friend from college in Northeast. She had to go to Japan on business for the summer so it worked out for both of us. Her place was furnished so I had put the majority of my things into storage. I didn't want any of those memories at my old place. I didn't want to come home to that every day.

At some point, I did plan to finally have it out with Winsome, but first I had to figure out what to do about Tevin.

He had the door open by the time I got to the front steps. He was smiling from ear-to-ear.

Damn, he's so fine!

“Come in, baby,” he said, moving aside so I could enter. “I was down in Florida visiting Mom and Alexis so I don't have that much in the fridge, but I can throw something together from the freezer if you're hungry. Or I can order in.”

“I'm not hungry,” I replied. “I ate on the plane.”

He cleared his throat as I stood in front of his sofa. “Where were you coming from?”

“Saint Thomas. I needed to get away for a few days. I haven't taken a vacation all summer.”

“Oh, did you go alone?”

“That's none—” I had to attempt to maintain some composure. “Yes, I went alone.”

I sat down on the sofa and he sat in the armchair.

“Well, you look great. Nice and tanned.”

Instead of saying “thanks,” I said, “The only reason that I came over here is because we have to discuss something of great importance.”

“Everything that comes out of your mouth is important to me.”

Tevin always tripped me up by being so damn attentive. I wasn't used to it.

“Before I tell you what I need to say, I need you to tell me what really happened between you and Winsome that day.”

“Wow, that's all I've ever wanted . . . a chance to explain. That day you wouldn't—”

I held up my palm. “Today is a new day . . . a different day.”

He sighed and said, “I cooked dinner. You called and said that you were running late. I fell asleep. I heard you, or who I thought was you, come into the room. She undid my pants. Within five seconds of her putting me in her mouth, I realized it wasn't you.
I jumped up and started cursing her out, while she implied that I had acted like I wanted her.

“She got angry. I got angrier. We heard your key in the lock. What can I say? I panicked. I tried to make it out of the room before you came in the front door but she halfway blocked me long enough to make it seem like we were coming out of there after fucking.

“I don't want Winsome. You should know better. Not only do I not want Winsome, I don't want anyone else but you.”

Tevin got up and said, “I'll be right back.”

While he dashed up the steps two at a time, I looked around the room. I had missed being at his house, lying in his arms, being the object of his desire. My past insecurities were telling me not to let my guard down again. But he seemed sincere and I wouldn't put anything past Winsome. She was lonely and, in many ways, wanted me to always be lonely with her. As long as I was in the mode of not wanting a real relationship, it worked out in her favor.

Tevin reappeared with a velvet box, dropped down on his knees, popped it open, and asked me, “Jemistry, will you marry me?”

The rock was huge. I had always imagined a man proposing to me and thought the ring would be nice, but nothing like the engagement ring in that box.

I shut it slowly and closed his palm around it.

“I'm not ready to have that discussion yet.”

The painful expression on his face hit me in the pit of my stomach.

“I understand. You're right.” He stood up and set back down in the armchair. “Baby steps. All that matters is that you're here. That we're in the same room, breathing the same oxygen. If that's all I get for today, I can accept that.”

“I have another question,” I said. After he just stared at me, I asked, “Have you been seeing someone new?”

“No, I'm not seeing anyone. Who am I going to see?”

I shrugged. “I don't know but you're a man and men have needs.”

“So do women. Does that mean you've been seeing someone?”

I smirked. “You should know better.”

“Jemistry, when we met, you were having casual sex with two men. You told me that yourself. So why does my question sound crazy to you?”

He placed his left hand over his mouth for a few seconds.

“Okay, I'm not going to risk anything coming out later.”

This bastard just lied to me!

“I had sex one time with this woman who sells pharmaceuticals at the hospital . . . but not in my unit.”

“You had sex but you're not seeing her?”

“Not at all. In fact, I made it painfully clear that I was not interested in any kind of relationship with her or anyone else. That I was trying to heal and accept losing you. She kept coming on to me so I eventually caved. We went out to dinner and then we went back to her place and had the worst sex ever. I didn't do anything to her . . . if you know what I mean. I used a condom, it was over and done with, and I left. Haven't spoken to her since.”

It could have been a lot worse. I honestly had expected Tevin to go out and bed a lot of women, or hop into a rebound relationship.

“And that's all you need to tell me?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“That's it. I pro—” He caught himself before he used the word
promise
. “I assure you that I have nothing else to tell you. Outside of that, I've been miserable. I felt like I'd been robbed, or prosecuted for a crime that I never committed.”