12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (18 page)

G
EMINI

Unpredictable Aquarius is about to conjoin with Neptune so don’t be too surprised if you don’t get your trousers taken up in time for the weekend. On Wednesday, you
will be taken to task by Irene from accounts over your latest expenses claim. Don’t be tempted by a cut-price dibber until Mercury goes into trine on Friday, or you may regret it.

Lucky garnish:
Coriander

Lucky ligament:
Cruciate

C
ANCER

Mysterious Neptune enters your fourth house on Tuesday bringing with it a sense of foreboding about some of the domestic chores that you might have let slip recently.
Regardless of how you feel about the natural world, tadpoles in your washing-up bowl is never a good sign. On Friday, Pluto’s influence will begin to make its presence felt as you’ll
feel like plain digestives again rather than the chocolate ones.

Lucky bun:
Sticky

Lucky blemish:
Liver spots

L
EO

Troublesome Mars enters your birthsign on Tuesday bringing to a head some of the recent arguments with your neighbours about all-night line-dancing parties. Apart from the
visitors’ spurs making holes in the flooring in the communal areas there is a limit to how often people want to hear the ‘Dixie’ air-horns from your 1987 Orange Fiat Panda with
the doors welded up. A ‘no account varmint’ is no way to talk to the community police officer either.

Lucky Choo:
Jimmy

Lucky complexion:
Alabaster

V
IRGO

A busy week ahead with Mars conjoining with Neptune in Gemini, which, as you are only too aware, means it could be an error strewn week ahead. A mix up over King Charles and
King Edward nearly causes a scene on Wednesday but disaster is luckily averted before either the chip fat gets too hot or the obedience class begins. It is also worth trying to remember the
critical difference between haematite and hermaphrodite before you decide to have one polished and mounted.

Lucky tone:
Dismissive

Lucky attitude:
Offhand

L
IBRA

The transit of Venus through your birthsign on Monday brings with it a sudden surge in your long-standing fascination with metamorphic rock formations. The hours of long toil
in the 17-foot hole in your back garden in pursuit of this interest will yield unexpected results at the end of the week, when you discover a well-preserved Anglo-Saxon boat burial under the
potting shed. At the weekend the malign influence of Pluto exerts its power when a close family member is frozen to death during a game of Bingo.

Lucky fielding position:
Fine leg

Lucky particle:
Quark

S
CORPIO

Mars forms an unusual trine with Mercury on Monday, which usually means that your otherwise sunny disposition is absent for the first part of the week. A sudden urge to buy CDs
by Leonard Cohen or Coldplay would be best avoided. On Thursday, your mood will lift when your boss, who has been particularly irritating of late, suddenly decides to become a Buddhist Monk while
shopping for a new electric blanket.

Lucky hinge:
Concealed

Lucky flavour:
Butterscotch

S
AGITTARIUS

The influence of a rising Venus will be at its peak on Wednesday when, on a whim, you decide to try a new washing detergent. The resultant allergic reaction will cause a flurry
of interest from the medical profession when, what starts as a spot on your back quickly develops into a prehensile limb with three fingers. Apart from presenting you with some wardrobe issues, you
will be much in demand at parties and will find fame and fortune as a multi-instrumental one-man band.

Lucky polish:
Cherry Blossom

Lucky shoes:
Plimsolls

C
APRICORN

The New Moon in Capricorn indicates that it will soon be time to start work on that dream project you have had in mind for some years. Not everyone appreciates the amount of
dedication required to collect and assemble the components and create a working scale model of Tower Bridge using only your own toenail clippings. Mercury rising on Thursday indicates that
inspiration for what to use for making the cables will come to you while cleaning out the plughole in the bath.

Lucky lampshade:
Tiffany

Lucky language:
Farsi

A
QUARIUS

Saturn rising on Wednesday will mean you will be woken early by a Bulgarian marching band visiting your neighbourhood. This will put you in an irritable mood all morning, which
will not be helped by a visit to your local grocer during which there will be a misunderstanding about whether they have peaches in stock. In the end you have to make do with peaches in syrup. The
departure of Jupiter from your opposing sign early on Friday will lift your mood and by lunchtime you will have entirely forgotten Thursday’s embarrassing incident with the walnut whip at the
Police Station.

Lucky potato:
Charlotte

Lucky lake:
Ontario

P
ISCES

An interesting confluence between Mars and Chiron on Tuesday indicates that your long-held opinion about the collective term for eels finally gains the recognition it deserves.
There will be no awards, nor all that many plaudits, but you will receive a voucher giving you a 10% discount on the power-washer you’ve had your eye on since the autumn of last year. Later
in the week, you will be disappointed to discover that you have been betrayed by a cherished family pet.

Lucky fabric:
Organza

Lucky shoes:
Crepes

A
RIES

Pluto, planet of surprises, enters your seventh house on Monday. While shopping for a new jumper, you will be surprised to discover an escaped white rhinoceros in the changing
room at Marks & Spencer. Fortunately, as you know, their vision is poor and as long as you remain down-wind you will be able to change in safety. Wednesday will bring an unexpected craving for
peanut butter and marmite sandwiches.

Lucky vitamin:
B-Minor

Lucky flooring:
Cork Tiles

T
AURUS

Right from the beginning of the week you find that others are interested in what you are doing, and have some good ideas to offer. It’s probably best to ignore those you
receive anonymously, particularly the one which suggests an illegal use of Moorhens. On Friday, you will feel a sudden urge to take up the Euphonium. Resist it, as it can only lead to
heartache.

Lucky manner:
Flippant

Lucky hobby:
Origami

G
EMINI

Throughout September, everything should move into a different gear. Your ruler, Mercury, forms aspects to Jupiter and Saturn that not only swell the tide of information coming
your way, but also reduce your waistline by nearly 10cm. On Thursday this week, you will be accosted in the street by evangelical atheists. Under no circumstances should you agree to attend their
Bible-ignoring classes.

Lucky consonant:
G

Lucky vegetable:
Broad beans

C
ANCER

Many Cancerians love collecting, and this week may continue to turn up some real bargains. At the weekend, you may have to go as high as £15 at the local boot sale, but
you will succeed in acquiring one of the missing Faberge eggs from the Russian Imperial collection. Try not to be too upset when the dog buries it.

Lucky greeting:
Yo

Lucky parting:
Centre

L
EO

Changes at work are matched by new developments on the romantic front as Pluto transits your seventh house and indicates a brief liaison with a much older person with
excessively hairy ears. Instead of hurting their feelings, why not try threading beads onto the hairs for that ‘Bo Derrick look’?

Lucky strait:
Gibraltar

Lucky vole:
Field

V
IRGO

Mars entering your birthsign brings the dark clouds of conflict with it on Wednesday. It’s true, that most people do bring their work home with them on a regular basis.
However, last month’s career change caused by a retrograde Mercury may be the exception to the rule. The animals are much better off back at the circus and the constant whip cracking and
ferocious snarls have the neighbours already reaching for their phones.

Lucky treatment:
Pedicure

Lucky file:
Rasp

L
IBRA

You probably felt uncomfortable with the behaviour of some of the people in your life last week. It’s not every day that one finds out that the person closest to them has
a secret life as a part-time Geography teacher. Despite your justifiable sense of betrayal, try to find out what led them down this dark path as it may hold some clues about the parish church,
which has been missing since February.

Lucky beam:
Laser

Lucky carpet:
Magic

S
CORPIO

Things that may have been puzzling you start to get a lot clearer this week. The planet of ideas, Mercury, has some helpful exchanges with both Jupiter and Saturn, focusing
your mind on something other than your troubled relationship with your prize-winning minnows. Try spending more time with them and deflect any comments about sticklebacks with a sincere
apology.

Lucky sonnet:
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day

Lucky bonnet:
Easter

S
AGITTARIUS

Saturn rising this week indicates that you will start to question some of the fundamental tenets of your life. A trine Pluto means that you will be having a good long look at
the heating bill as Autumn approaches and you may well reach the conclusion that heating your home with oil uses an average of 500gallons a year. You will begin to realise that a tenth of that
amount of Vodka might do the job just as well and more cheaply.

Lucky expression:
Grim

Lucky craft:
Needlepoint

C
APRICORN

Now you can really begin to come into your own, as the move of Mars into your own sign makes other people sit up and take notice. You feel ready to face any challenge, which is
just as well as on Tuesday you are drawn into a prolonged feud with the woman from accounts, the one who really thinks she’s something special, despite the thread-veins. This will probably
only be resolved by a duel.

Lucky weapon:
Rapier

Lucky shirt:
Frilly

A
QUARIUS

You may have found that you’ve had to look again at things that you thought were long over. Neptune transiting your birthsign midweek indicates that you will discover a
Neanderthal family living in a cave under your shed again. A more sympathetic approach is needed this time, as the traps were a disaster. Seek professional assistance.

Lucky game fish:
Marlin

Lucky dance:
The polka

P
ISCES

Many will recently have had some kind of romantic interlude with an exiled family member of the deposed President Bakiyev of Kyrgyzstan. Mercury transiting the area of your
chart concerned with flings is probably to blame. Just put it down to experience and try to move on. One Friday you will accidentally swallow a hummingbird during a fire-drill at work.

Lucky element:
Strontium

Lucky park:
Regents

A
RIES

Routine matters take your attention this week. Everyone is still shocked by the horrors of last week. Cannibalism is quite unusual in the Home Counties, so it was bound to
raise more than a passing interest when you registered the company name, You Are What You Eat Restaurants Ltd. Perhaps you should have learned the lesson from the now defunct Furry Friends Pie
Company that you started two years ago.