12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (17 page)

Lucky disguise:
Orla Guerin

Lucky punishment:
Nutmeg

C
ANCER

The Moon joins Venus, the planet of relationships, in the area of your chart that governs corduroy trousers on Wednesday. It looks likely that you will find yourself in a
confined space, possibly a lift or maybe a packing crate, with a similarly dressed but highly-attractive potential partner. Your eyes will lock, as indeed will both pairs of corduroys, so you may
find yourself tangoing to the closest fire station before you can be separated.

Lucky mood:
Kittenish

Lucky game:
Kerplunk

L
EO

Jupiter has moved into a very creative and vital part of your chart this week. If you set your mind to something, you can do it – regardless of what those court orders
say. What’s more, your ruler, the Sun, is close to Mercury at the minute so a sensible hat and factor 20 would be a worthwhile investment. On Thursday lunchtime you may be signed up as a Jack
Hargreaves tribute act.

Lucky condiment:
Mint sauce

Lucky ranch:
The Ponderosa

V
IRGO

The Sun arrives in your sign this week. If it’s your birthday next week, it will bring wellbeing and good fortune, and a benign influence that will permeate the whole of
the next twelve months. If, however, your birthday falls this week, the best you can expect is for a Cornish-looking gentleman to show you a suspicious rash on the bus on Thursday lunchtime.

Lucky device:
Phillips Babyshave

Lucky lawman:
Snoop Deputy Dawg

L
IBRA

The Sun is trine Saturn this week, which indicates that you should make sure that you have both an up-to-date map of Slough and a three tier cake-stand about your person on
Tuesday lunchtime as they will help to avert a dangerous PowerPoint overdose at an important board meeting.

Lucky snack:
Sardines on toast

Lucky adjective:
Wonky

S
CORPIO

Neptune transits mysterious Pluto later this week, bringing a very real sense of urgency to your sponsored slim. Your target weight-loss of 20 kilos by Christmas is starting to
look a little ambitious as you’ve not passed up many Wagon Wheels of late and your devotion to the mid-morning Hobnob is almost legendary.

Lucky legs:
Cabriole

Lucky lunch:
Sudden fried chicken

S
AGITTARIUS

A shameful episode while shopping at Bluewater on Monday means a quiet week during which you would do well to ensure that you have finished your tax return. The New Moon in
Aquarius indicates that new hall curtains are on the cards. Make sure your dry-cleaning is up-to-date, as the shop will be burned down by goblins on Wednesday afternoon.

Lucky snack:
Sugar-mice

Lucky trousers:
Leather

C
APRICORN

You may have become disillusioned with other people in recent weeks and felt like focussing on the wonders of the natural world. Your recent investment in a butterfly net
proves to have been worthwhile when, while hiding in the undergrowth as usual on Tuesday, you catch an example of a completely new species, the Essex yellow. Easily identified by its markings,
which look like a tattoo of a fat girl on each wing.

Lucky teeth:
Premolars

Lucky mustard:
Dijon

A
QUARIUS

The early part of the week may bring you an unexpected message from the past – perhaps an old acquaintance, or possibly a friendly bus inspector. Take extra care on
Friday as a square Pluto indicates that a small woman with a fearsome grip enters your life and will try to persuade you to take up either lawn-bowls or a life of piracy.

Lucky cloud:
Nimbus

Lucky drink:
Warm water

P
ISCES

It’s a busy time. You may start the week in a whirl of activity, but on the whole it is positive and productive until Tuesday lunchtime, when you fall into bad company in
the local Waitrose and wake up buried up to your neck in the central reservation of the North Circular at Wembley. On a positive note, you make a small fortune from slowly passing drivers as an
unusual busker.

Lucky colour:
Prussian blue

Lucky vitamin:
D-Minor

A
RIES

Mars entering changeable Libra indicates that your recent business venture ‘The Butch-Cassidy mobile hairdressing salon’ is proving not to be a hit with potential
clients when they discover that sitting on your handlebars while having their hair trimmed and negotiating the West-End traffic is a far from relaxing experience. A long-forgotten loved one will
make an unexpected appearance on Wednesday. Buy the negatives at any price.

Lucky joint:
The hip

Lucky draw:
Western

T
AURUS

Thursday’s trine Saturn indicates that your plans for setting up am all-terrain wheelbarrow racing course in Slough are likely to be rejected by the local authority on
the basis that the activity is unlikely to generate enough noise and will therefore not fit in with other amenities in the area. On Friday you will discover that you are allergic to Daventry.

Lucky lotion:
Calamine

Lucky tea:
Camomile

G
EMINI

It is an undeniable fact that for years you have been nearly as popular with the ladies as Ken Bruce, but time is starting to take its toll. Mars transiting Aquarius on
Wednesday combined with your unhappiness with the recent centrefold pictures in the
Catholic Herald
will give you the impetus to seriously look at a strict regime of exercise and skincare
for at least ten minutes, before reverting to your normal sloth, kebabs and strong drink.

Lucky stretch:
18 months

Lucky peas:
Marrowfat

C
ANCER

A square Mars in Uranus may mean an uncomfortable start to the week. On Wednesday Pluto entering your fourth house indicates that your position on the company’s cultural
integration committee may be at stake, as the suggestion that the seasonal celebrations might include a ‘wet burka’ competition’, causes one or two raised eyebrows at board level.
On Friday, a brown cardboard box is prominent.

Lucky flares:
Distress

Lucky platforms:
3 and 11

L
EO

Thursday’s conjunction between your ruler the Sun, and dynamic Mercury means that there is a strong chance you’ll need to steer well clear of fussy-eaters or anyone
with dense nose-hair. Toward midweek you will be less troubled by a persistent tapping noise from under your desk than in recent months, although hard skin will still prove problematic. Don’t
be tempted by a bargain steamroller; it may not be all it seems.

Lucky brand:
Coca-Cola

Lucky tiles:
Polystyrene

V
IRGO

A difficult week made all the more unpleasant by the presence of troublesome Pluto. A chance meeting with a city-based headhunter on Tuesday will see you making a late bid for
a position as ceremonial goat-stretcher to the Windward Isles. An ill-starred cheese and onion pie may return to haunt you on Friday night.

Lucky owl:
Brown

Lucky cake:
Kendall-mint

L
IBRA

A note of caution this week. Retrograde Saturn means that if you deal with others individually, success will almost certainly greet you. Deal with them as a group and you will
be attacked and eaten by wild dogs in World of Leather. On Thursday, a distant relative will send you a first-class recipe for ‘mutton surprise’.

Lucky adverb:
Meanwhile

Lucky spoon:
Ladle

S
CORPIO

The New Moon in Venus indicates that your continued enthusiasm for late nights and willowy women is doing you no favours. This is particularly evident on Tuesday morning when
you start to get out of breath after just three games of squash. On Friday, a desperate struggle over the last Eccles cake will see you escape with just light flesh wounds.

Lucky dynasty:
Ching

Lucky herb:
Catnip

S
AGITTARIUS

The arrival of mysterious Neptune in your birthsign midweek indicates that others may begin to appreciate your creative skills. On Tuesday, a trine Saturn means that you will
be consulted over the name of a new winter warming hot breakfast cereal. Although your suggestion meets with initial approval, the manufacturers feel that ‘Captain Oates’ does not
convey the message they’d hoped for.

Lucky Green:
Phillip

Lucky hole:
Wookey

C
APRICORN

A pleasant start to the week as benevolent Jupiter enters your seventh house on Monday. On Tuesday your bus driver decides to do something to cheer up that wearisome trip into
work when he surprises the passengers with a magnetic billiards set. This combined with the stick-on Lord Coe for the bus window with ‘moving eyes and real fur’, really sets you up for
the rigours of the day ahead.

Lucky dogs:
Fire

Lucky cats:
Benny & Spook

A
QUARIUS

Your long-cherished dream of being in showbusiness comes a step closer this week as a square Mercury indicates that you will be asked to perform some of your old music-hall
specialities as a part of a Christmas show for the ‘local fallen women appeal’. Your creative use of the torch and an old Army blanket as a backdrop is sure to lend a raw authenticity
to
The Pterodactyl
and
The Hindenburg
and of course the creative use of a mirror for that old favourite
Tower Bridge
. Fortunately, with no photographic evidence, the charges
will be dropped.

Lucky impression:
Poor

Lucky notepad:
Spiral bound

P
ISCES

A truly marvellous week is indicated by the conjoined presence of Mars and Pluto in your fourth house. The only cloud on the horizon being a retrograde Saturn on Thursday
lunchtime, which may mean a potentially dangerous attack of writer’s cramp brought on by contact with a particularly sticky man from Margate. Try to avoid cowrie-shells.

Lucky tool:
Tin-snips

Lucky parsley:
Flat-leaf

A
RIES

Putting on a pair of overalls and touring the local office parties as ‘Chuck from maintenance’ is one way to satisfy your seemingly limitless appetite for free food
and drink, but Venus entering your birthsign on Wednesday indicates that, as overalls are not normally worn over a pinstripe suit, there is a strong chance that your ruse may be discovered. On
Friday a trine Saturn means an accident with a mince pie, the filling of which is slightly warmer than magma. Fortunately, your monkey-like shrieks and screams are captured by a BBC Wildlife unit
who pay you £150.00 for a voice-over.

Lucky pan:
Au chocolat

Lucky Van:
Morrison

T
AURUS

This week, you should start planning for your retirement. Make sure you are promptly at the bank at noon to pay in the £720 of loose change you’ve accumulated over
the years, and of course take your rightful place in the queue at the supermarket at lunchtime so you can tell the checkout girl all about your recent holiday. On Friday you will be mistaken for
Archbishop Mykarios in the Post-Office. Try not to make a scene like last time.

Lucky currency:
Slovenian Tolar

Lucky cartoon:
Huckleberry Hound