12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (12 page)

Lucky ointment:
Germolene

Lucky plum:
Victoria

A
RIES

Your recent holiday has done much to recharge your batteries. Venus rising will see you in the midst of things socially, but a misunderstanding about the correct plural for
Weetabix will lead to a bit of a scene at the slipper baths on Tuesday afternoon. Warm up properly.

Lucky eclipse:
Lunar

Lucky vitamin:
C Major 7th

T
AURUS

You’ve really got the bit between your teeth this week. With the Sun winging its way through Leo you’ll think you’re unstoppable. Make the most of it, as a
chance encounter with the Deputy Prime Minister on Wednesday will cause a mood swing and you’ll spend two days eating nothing but trifle.

Lucky plant:
JCB

Lucky bunting:
Corn

G
EMINI

Love is in the air. On Tuesday Venus enters Sagittarius and you meet a tall dark stranger. This will be your first romance with a stilt walker so allow yourself to be a little
more impetuous than usual and leave your flat shoes at home. On Thursday, a brewing disagreement among peers comes to an ugly head. And though you know you should stay out of it, your years as a
cage-fighter stand you in good stead.

Lucky vegetable:
Parsnip

Lucky herb:
Marjoram

C
ANCER

Mars entering your fourth house on Tuesday means that you will be even more in demand than usual. Wednesday will see you offered a speaking engagement at the International
Aroma Producers Convention in Basildon. An impulse buy of smoked haddock on Friday may lead to you meeting the woman of your dreams on the fish counter. Unfortunately your dreams often involve an
18-stone tattooed lady with dyed green hair.

Lucky scale:
Beaufort

Lucky alloy:
Brass

L
EO

This week finds you descending into a cleaning fervour, during which you discover rare and interesting personal antiquities. Maybe it’s an old photograph, or a love
letter, or that evidence acquitting your Aunt May of involvement in the great Train Robbery. Avoid Guildford for the rest of the week.

Lucky packaging:
Bubble-wrap

Lucky laces:
Leather

V
IRGO

A chance meeting with a trichologist in Reading on Wednesday lunchtime will finally reveal that you have been buying the wrong type of shampoo all these years, and should have
been investing in care products for ‘angry hair’. Take extra care if sitting on unfamiliar furniture on Friday as Pluto rising indicates that a combination of shoddy workmanship and
poor quality glue may lead to an accident.

Lucky solvent:
Acetone

Lucky movement:
Pincer

L
IBRA

Cheese will feature heavily in your chart over the coming week, and may well begin to appear as a part of elevenses once again. Your ruler, the Sun, transits Neptune on
Thursday and sees you among friends and admirers – perhaps even setting up a new Political party.

Lucky game:
Mousetrap

Lucky pancake:
Crispy duck

S
CORPIO

Your ruler, the Sun, finds itself square Mars yet trine mysterious Neptune. All this means that with Mars ascendant you can really start to act like the king of the jungle you
are. Although raw meat may appeal this week you should resist the temptation until later in the month. Meanwhile, make do with a research assistant, or at a push, an egg and cress sandwich.

Lucky smell:
Creosote

Lucky mammal:
Mongoose

S
AGITTARIUS

Venus transiting the Sun may manifest its influence in a number of unusual ways this week. On Wednesday while shopping for new equipment for your act, you meet a well-dressed,
but extremely hairy woman who offers you a walk on part in the Hollywood remake of
Wagoners Walk.

Lucky garnish:
Angelica

Lucky teeth:
Top-set

C
APRICORN

You may have wondered why the scaffolding had not been removed from the building opposite. The explanation is the obvious one. As Pluto is entering your fourth house, and the
Moon forms a trine with Neptune, this indicates that you will wake tomorrow morning to the sight of John Prescott dressed only in a short-kimono bathrobe doing ‘hand-stands’ on the
front lawn.

Lucky pie:
Apple and blackcurrant

Lucky sensation:
Goose pimples

A
QUARIUS

Your passion for bath-toys has been an open secret for some years. A square Venus at the beginning of the week indicates that it’s high time that you owned up to having
become the largest wholesale supplier of battery operated flotation devices in the southeast. On Tuesday, the return of Pixies downstairs indirectly influences your ability to get a decent quote
for pet insurance. There may be grounds to sue.

Lucky pudding:
Gypsy tart

Lucky establishment:
The soapy frog

P
ISCES

Change is in the air, which of course means that the furniture will be on the move again, and there will be much talk about redecoration. When it comes to selecting wallpaper
and paint, you have no peer. Saturn goes trine on Thursday, so if you do have particular hues in mind, be sure to make this clear, otherwise the ever popular Grant and Fearnley-Whittingstall may be
proposed.

Lucky sealant:
Unibond

Lucky bathroom suite:
Avocado

A
RIES

Once you would have rejected outright the kinds of offers that you are now considering, but you are right to be looking at some of the unusual options coming your way, and with
Wednesday’s lovely aspect between Saturn and Neptune, you would be ill advised to pass up the opportunity to host the latest TV reality cooking show,
Pets Make Pies
, which pits two
families against each other in a trivia quiz, with hilarious pastry-based consequences for their cherished companion if they lose.

Lucky current:
Humboldt

Lucky punch line:
That’s okay, I’m not a real welder.

T
AURUS

Mercury is square to Mars this week, so any respite from the problems you’ve been having with your continental quilts is unlikely. On Wednesday you wake to the sound of
loud tutting outside your front door. On investigation, this proves to be an impromptu rehearsal by yet another Skippy the Bush Kangaroo tribute act.

Lucky wrestler:
Jackie Pallo

Lucky polish:
Cardinal Red

G
EMINI

Saturn enters your seventh house on Thursday and leaves a stain on the stair carpet. Despite your early misgivings, Venus is spreading a warm influence in the area of your
chart concerned with infantry manoeuvres, so it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to find the Royal Fusiliers in your Forsythia again on Thursday. Try spraying with a mild solution of
Milton fluid.

Lucky adjective:
Creaky

Lucky jam:
The M40

C
ANCER

The influence of your ruler, the Moon may mean that you feel a bit quiet and thoughtful this week. Next week holds out the prospect of something very romantic, and at least one
of your dreams coming true, though not necessarily the one in which you are invited to share an after-match bath with London Irish. On Thursday an arm-wrestling match with Moira Stewart may not go
as planned.

Lucky lotion:
Camomile

Lucky pencil:
HB

L
EO

On Tuesday, an interesting aspect between Venus, Pluto and the South Node of the Moon means that a chance conversation between your next-door neighbour and a leading political
analyst may mean that you end up taking both umbrage and Uxbridge at the general election.

Lucky sorbet:
Kumquat

Lucky flooring:
Cork tiles

V
IRGO

You’re in for an emotional roller coaster this week. Mercury turning retrograde means that even though you are normally so practical and sensible, your hidden under-belly
has always been sensitive and on Wednesday afternoon you discover that it is pursuing a solo career as a backdrop in the remake of
Quatermass and the Pit
. On Friday, a trine Pluto indicates
that a missing hand brush may turn up in an unexpected place.

Lucky pump:
Running

Lucky gland:
Pituitary

L
IBRA

The sheer energy from so many planets concentrated in Gemini this week means that you could find yourself in the grip of a strong but confusing emotional experience involving
one or more of the cast or production crew of a West End musical, and a jar of crunchy peanut butter. With Mars moving into your birthsign on Thursday, extra Marmite might be a wise precaution.

Lucky Duck:
Donald

Lucky Drake:
Charlie

S
CORPIO

The energies are so strong and varied for anyone with a Sun sign this week. This, combined with Saturn rising could mean that by Tuesday morning you may well develop
spectacular orange and green wings. Be especially careful with those around you on Wednesday. It’s a day when you could cause hurt to a close friend with a poorly aimed Cornish pasty.

Lucky garnish:
Chopped parsley

Lucky varnish:
Nail

S
AGITTARIUS

By and large your sign has more energy than most, which is probably no bad thing because on Monday afternoon you are given 24 hours to find out exactly what ‘by and
large’ means. Tuesday’s New Moon provides a fresh perspective on an old problem when you are once again mistaken for Melvin Hayes while leafing through carpet samples in Cheesemans of
Lewisham. Try to laugh it off without breaking into ‘Meet the gang ‘cos the boys are here’.

Lucky disguise:
Horace Cutler

Lucky gesture:
Dismissive wave

C
APRICORN

Romance may come suddenly into your life, in a new and surprising way when you are pounced on by a group of Korean gymnasts in your local shoe repair and key cutting centre.
Fortunately, their affections are short-lived when they discover that you are not the proprietor, merely a ‘regular’. Mars rising indicates that a short man in very long trousers will
try to sell you an invisible dog training-whistle on Thursday morning. Don’t be taken in.

Lucky relation:
Uncle Des

Lucky soup:
Cream of pig

A
QUARIUS

A chance remark overheard in the queue in Argos this week while picking up a new suitcase could mean that you become one of the country’s leading saliva donors. Your
predisposition for dribbling is well known, so why not cash in? On Friday, a badly placed ‘chicken Fatwa’ may take you suddenly in the Urals. Try not to flinch at the bus stop.

Lucky hold:
Grapevine

Lucky floor:
Parquet

P
ISCES

Mars in your opposite sign on Monday proceeds towards a hapless encounter with Uranus, which indicates that the authorities have noticed that the songbird population in your
area has dwindled to perilously low numbers. On a brighter note, by the end of the week you will receive confirmation that your leopard-skin car seat covers are finally in stock.

Lucky sauce:
Tomato

Lucky dwarf:
Bashful