12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (8 page)

Lucky bandage:
Crepe
Lucky game:
Shinty

V
IRGO

Saturn is retrograde this week, so there may well be a bit of trouble over the storage of the life-sized ice-sculpture of Hugh Scully in the canteen freezer. Although your
studies are progressing well, try not to let the chloroforming get out of hand as people are beginning to talk.

Lucky publication:
The Guinness Book of Matches
Lucky memory:
Eight trilobites

L
IBRA

You can learn a lot from observing the events at the weekend, when your ruler Mercury turned retrograde. The straddle-lift was a rather rash purchase. On Wednesday a warm
romantic encounter with a close-order drill enthusiast may be spoiled by wearing a regimental tie to which you are not entitled.

Lucky gesture:
Mexican wave
Lucky lance:
Percival

S
CORPIO

On Tuesday a trine Mars means that you’ll step boldly forth into unfamiliar and unplanned territory. Other people’s mistakes will mean that everything you’ve
done recently has to be reorganised. On a brighter note, your recipe for whelk soufflé will be a huge hit at the Lord Mayor’s banquet.

Lucky shrub:
Cotoneaster
Lucky calibre:
7.62mm

S
AGITTARIUS

With your ruler, the waning moon, in your fifth house, there can be only one course of action open to you. Even though your stars granted you dense body hair, you never dreamed
that your own body-topiary salon would be anything other than a wild fantasy. Make that dream come true and you might be amazed where it might lead.

Lucky pudding:
Blancmange
Lucky rub:
Algipan

C
APRICORN

Uranus has been square for some time, so it should come as no surprise to you that the combination of an over-rich diet, and sedentary lifestyle is not helping matters. On
Tuesday you will get into a heated argument about the best way to transport a flock of show-goats on the tube. As usual, you know best.

Lucky dance:
The sailor’s standpipe
Lucky precaution:
Spare elbows

A
QUARIUS

An impromptu family Eisteddfod on Wednesday may provide an opportunity to get back at your neighbour after he accidentally scratched your second best credenza when he borrowed
it last weekend. Thursday brings the disturbing news that your mobile lady chiropodist has her mind on higher things.

Lucky waltz:
Disney and Whitman
Lucky snack:
Malt-loaf

P
ISCES

Venus and Neptune are offering you a fairy-tale experience this week. You will find the role of Billy-Goat Gruff a strangely familiar one. Monday’s moon in your birthsign
indicates a watershed. The roof is leaking in the garage again. Cut-price plastic sheeting won’t do the job this time either.

Lucky rhythm:
The rumba
Lucky Fish:
Michael

A
RIES

A well-rounded look to the week as Venus and Mercury both aspect Pluto. This means that you really need to take stock. An oxo cube just after lunch should do the trick, but
chew it slowly and remember to remove the silver paper.

Lucky footwear:
Waders
Lucky cake:
Caraway seed

T
AURUS

Your impending birthday may leave you feeling somewhat confused and are unsure of how you see yourself and your role. With Mars rising, this is perfectly normal. And as the old
saying goes, if the shoe fits – you’re extremely lucky because mine pinch like the devil.

Lucky furniture:
Ottoman
Lucky card:
Seven of Diamonds

G
EMINI

Pluto rising indicates conflict at the start of the week when you return from a
Treasure Island
themed fancy-dress party to discover that you have left the clipper full
of corsairs after you used it on your buccaneers. Careful with the hook.

Lucky lamp:
Davey
Lucky cable:
Vince

C
ANCER

As a true Cancerian, thoughts of the sea are never far from your mind. The New Moon in Pisces indicates that your attempts to corner the lucrative wholesale shellfish market
south of the river will receive a boost this Wednesday when most of the major distributers will agree that they’d like you to handle their winkles.

Lucky hinge:
Rising butt
Lucky Starr:
Ringo

L
EO

An interesting aspect between Jupiter and Venus will leave you in a bit of a spin on Wednesday, when you discover that a distant Welsh relation has left you a controlling share
in Swansea’s only adult publication
Men of Harlech Only
. On Friday, you discover to your distress, that a niece has entered you for the Ask-Aspel Challenge Trophy.

Lucky Clampett:
Elly-May
Lucky tribe:
The Arapahoe

V
IRGO

You may experience a setback towards the end of this week, when you find out that despite a positive test, the rate of headline inflation has nothing whatsoever to do with the
noises in your left ear. On the plus side, a square Saturn on Thursday gives you a lift as far as the Post Office.

Lucky stuffing:
Horsehair
Lucky craft:
Macrame

L
IBRA

This week you will be in your element (which actually turns out to be Caesium) so you above all others will appreciate that it takes a strong person to admit when they’re
wrong. It takes an even stronger person to go up to the first person and suggest that they are the one who is mistaken, so make sure you hire one.

Lucky force:
The British Transport Police
Lucky drop:
Pear

S
CORPIO

Over indulgence in good wine has left you with a predisposition to break into the Macarena – despite the effect that it has on your knees. A recent holiday may not have
proved as restful as it could have been due to the over-zealous attentions of security staff who confiscated your best ‘Dora the Explorer’ biro on the grounds that ‘it could have
someone’s eye out’.

Lucky shoes:
Slingback Brogues
Lucky aroma:
Brilliantine

S
AGITTARIUS

A unique aspect between the Moon and Mercury indicates that your recent sinus trouble is being aggravated by exposure to a fungus found only on ancient Roman war-galleys. On
Wednesday you may suffer catastrophic and sudden tie failure. Try not to over-compensate.

Lucky battery:
Triple A
Lucky snack:
Ptarmigan custard

C
APRICORN

A square Saturn can only mean that your hobby of rearranging your sock drawer is beginning to lose its thrill. On Wednesday as Venus comes into aspect you will be offered the
role of Mr. Waverley in a remake of
The Man from Uncle
. It’s probably best not to mention the corncrake incident at the audition.

Lucky dismount:
Double pike somersault
Lucky seaweed:
Bladderwrack

A
QUARIUS

With Mercury, planet of communication, square to your birthsign on Tuesday, you will receive notification of a forthcoming award. The Licensed Victuallers Association will
announce that you are the winner of the Winehouse challenge trophy. As this will be your third such award, you will keep the cup. Beware of eggy soldiers on Friday.

Lucky pastime:
Shouting
Lucky nails:
Masonry

P
ISCES

The New Moon was in direct opposition to Pluto over the weekend, so it is unlikely that your offer of marriage to Des Lynam will be any more successful this time than for the
last seven. An unusual aspect between Mercury and Saturn on Wednesday will mean that you will have a shifty look about you for the last part of the week.

Lucky supplement:
Cod-liver oil and malt
Lucky plant:
Turntable crane

A
RIES

A quiet week during which the only unusual activities may be a call to act as a character witness for an erstwhile acquaintance. A rising Venus combined with a trine Neptune
indicates a chance meeting at the ‘dogs’ in Walthamstow will lead to a potential bargain on a job-lot of shop-soiled heated towel rails.

Lucky horse:
Vaulting
Lucky wilderness:
Croydon

T
AURUS

If it is your birthday this week, Mercury square to Mars on Tuesday indicates a more conservative celebration than last year’s debauched Bacchanalian brawl through every
public-bar in Barking, Dagenham, and Upminster. This year you will give Upminster a miss. Later in the week, you will have the opportunity to enhance your standing at work. Just remember, if you
cast your bread upon the water, you’ll get really soggy bread.

Lucky clientele:
Discerning
Lucky eye shadow:
Taupe

G
EMINI

Love is in the air. On Tuesday, Venus enters your birthsign without knocking and you meet a tall shapely stranger. This will be your first romance with a basketball
international so allow yourself to be a little more impetuous than usual. Why not try out that new pedestal set, and leave your flat shoes at home?

Lucky paste:
Bloater
Lucky herb:
Alpert

C
ANCER

Mars in Capricorn has been causing you to have a recurring dream in which you become involved in an unseemly brawl with the Royal family staff in the staff canteen. You always
wake at the same moment. Just as you are about to push Prince Michael of Kent’s head beneath the surface of the Brown Windsor for the third time, you are pulled off by Princess Anne. Jupiter
in your fourth house indicates that this could be down to Cheese and pickled-egg toasted sandwiches for supper.

Lucky spider:
Harvest
Lucky circumstances:
Unforeseen

L
EO

Last week’s Lunar Eclipse in Taurus indicates that the week at work will be a typical triumph, i.e. noisy, oily, and won’t start in the mornings. On a brighter
note, Thursday brings good news that you are the direct descendant of the person who invented the circle, and are now due four million years of royalties.

Lucky gas:
Helium
Lucky haircut:
Short bob

V
IRGO

Mars rising on Tuesday will mean that the recently installed security scanner that reads your palm-print on entry to the building tells you that you will meet a tall dark
stranger who once bought a Morris Marina from the Duke of Westminster. This will prove to be false information caused by a fault in the software. It was in fact a Morris Oxford. Fortunately when
you cross the palm-print with silver, it lets you in anyway.

Lucky topping:
Royal icing
Lucky seabird:
Cormorant

L
IBRA

A trine Mars at the weekend means that you may have put on a little extra weight in the last few days. You should not be too concerned that you now stall airport escalators, as
fickle Pluto enters your birthsign on Monday bringing with it a fierce case of ‘Bosphorus Phosphorous’. By Thursday you should be on the mend and able to remove the Andrex from the
freezer.

Lucky language:
Bantu
Lucky tattoo:
Edinburgh

S
CORPIO

Venus rising at the beginning of the week indicates you’ll fall foul of the Ministry of Agriculture Fisheries and Food when they discover your plan to take up whaling on
a commercial basis. Saturn entering your fourth house on Wednesday will mean a possible brush with the law when you’re caught making unseemly gestures at the builders across the road from
your office window.