12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (10 page)

Lucky tense:
Past participle

Lucky tipple:
Sloe gin

A
QUARIUS

This week’s Full Moon suggests that you will discover an impressive and potentially lucrative capacity for mashed potato consumption. However, there could be trouble in
store at the end of the week when a retrograde Pluto means that a close personal friend may have a mishap which results in them spilling blancmange on your Autoharp.

Lucky curtains:
Flameproof

Lucky language:
Norwegian

P
ISCES

The Sun’s sharp link to Venus on Tuesday indicates that you will be swept away on a roller coaster of powerful and conflicting emotions, veering between yearning passion,
and quiet contentment when you receive some unsolicited slippers through the post. The Full Moon will also mean a touch of indigestion on Monday afternoon just before Tiffin.

Lucky precaution:
Shillelagh

Lucky wavelength:
20 kilohertz

A
RIES

You are feeling a little fragile at the beginning of the week following your party on Saturday to launch your latest invention – the Crosse & Blackwell your heart,
Mulligatawny Bra. On Thursday Pluto rising indicates that you may be tempted to buy into a syndicate involved in the import of false nose-hair. Resist it with every fibre of your being.

Lucky spasm:
Dry heaves

Lucky fencing:
Woven hurdles

T
AURUS

On Monday mysterious Neptune conjoins with Mars in Capricorn. This can only mean that you will be afflicted with a mysterious but mild ailment that baffles your Doctor. Towards
the end of the week, a trine Saturn means that the medical authorities finally find out what is wrong with you just days too late to have the affliction named after you.

Lucky rodent:
Coypu

Lucky choking hazard:
Poker dice

G
EMINI

An interesting and enlightening week ahead. On Wednesday, a friendly aspect between Venus and Mars means that you will make an important discovery. You will find that when
pensively forming your fingers into a ‘steeple’ during important meetings, you will become much more credible when you don’t progress to the next stage and wiggle all the
‘people’ at those present.

Lucky jigsaw:
Durham Cathedral

Lucky tree:
The Larch

C
ANCER

Although you don’t normally have difficulty expressing yourself, Monday will see you suffer writers’ block when you are making up the monthly management reports. An
uncomfortable trine between your ruler, the sun, and Jupiter indicates that on Thursday lunchtime you will be chased the length of the High Street by a man dressed as a crested-grebe and armed with
a selection of Deryck Guyler memorabilia.

Lucky mood:
Upbeat

Lucky moustache:
Handlebar

L
EO

Now that your ruler, Mercury, is back on its direct course and moving back into Virgo, you will notice a quickening in your pace although this may have more to do with the
double enchilada platter you had for Sunday lunch. On Tuesday Uranus, planet of unexpected developments enters your birthsign so a fierce looking woman, adept in several languages may make a covert
attempt to win your affections at line-dancing class.

Lucky carnivore:
Wolverine

Lucky paste:
Wallpaper

V
IRGO

Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will leave your fourth house on Wednesday, taking with it some of the ornaments you’ve been meaning to give to the local charity
shop. On Friday, Venus rising indicates that a chance meeting in the local abattoir will lead directly to an unsolicited offer to alter your bedroom curtains.

Lucky sauce:
Worcester

Luck stone:
Kidney

L
IBRA

Despite a few days well-earned rest in Walton-on-the-Naze, you may have a tendency to get a bit irritable this week under the influence of unpredictable Pluto. On Thursday, an
unusual aspect between the Sun and Mars means that you will be seized by an overwhelming urge to shave your kneecaps in the bath.

Lucky custard:
Strawberry

Lucky gas:
Hydrogen

S
CORPIO

This week, Mars rising indicates a somewhat depressing week full of self-doubt, health worries, bitterness and past embarrassments, will not trouble you even slightly. However
on Friday you will accidentally guess the secret of an isolated rural community and be justifiably ostracised.

Lucky vessel:
Cutter

Lucky sensation:
Prickly heat

S
AGITTARIUS

As the period of change that began with the New Moon in Libra moves into a new stage, you will be less troubled by persistent spots than in recent months although blocked pores
may still prove problematic. Don’t be tempted to visit the all-night Milliner until Mercury goes into trine on Friday.

Lucky cartoon:
Scooby-Doo

Lucky curry:
Prawn mufti

C
APRICORN

Your drive and ambition is no secret to anyone who really knows you. On Thursday Venus enters Virgo indicating that you will get a unique opportunity to further enhance your
status by acquiring a set of personalised dental plates. An unusual aspect between Mercury and Saturn on Friday means that you may need to be more vigilant than usual for renegade Commanche raiding
parties in the High Street.

Lucky snack:
Salted cashews

Lucky lake:
Superior

A
QUARIUS

A quiet week, during which you should start to plan for your forthcoming concert tour. Mars in Aquarius suggests that you would do well to keep on the right side of your
road-crew. The correct term for these people is ‘Roadies’ rather than ‘Toadies’ as you have been calling them. This may go some way towards explaining the lioness in your
sock drawer this morning.

Lucky confection:
Sherbet-dab

Lucky trousers:
Blue corduroy

P
ISCES

A hitherto undiscovered inventive streak comes to the fore on Tuesday when you broker a deal with the high-street banks to produce the ideal gift for your older friends and
relatives – an ‘in my day’ gift token – valid for a pint of milk, a pat of butter, a loaf of bread, an all-day gobstopper, a trip to the pictures and change enough for the
tram ride home.

Lucky platitude:
Some people, eh?

Lucky infestation:
Red spider mite

A
RIES

Neptune rising on Monday indicates that at around teatime this evening, you will have someone push a ripe banana through your letterbox bearing the legend ‘Remember
Bratislava?’ in green ink. Do not eat the banana, as green ink is bad for you. On Wednesday, in return for your hand in marriage, a man dressed as ‘Jelly-Roll Morton’ will give
you a delicious recipe for a ‘Whippersnapper Glory’.

Lucky fuse:
3amp

Lucky pattern:
Paisley

T
AURUS

Mars is square to Mercury in your fourth house at the beginning of the week. On Thursday lunchtime, you will become involved in an unseemly tussle over the last sausage-roll in
the canteen with ‘Rollerball Rocco’ and ‘Skull Murphy’. The good news is that after two grapevines, a ‘Boston crab’, and a Corby trouser press, you win by a fall
and a submission. Mind your back.

Lucky Partridge:
Don

Lucky fungus:
Mildew

G
EMINI

An incident-filled week with – and this is no surprise to those that know you – the emphasis on high fashion. But trendsetting can have its drawbacks. Your recent
penchant for mixing plaids and tartans of differing hue and pattern will get you into hot water on Wednesday when a trine Pluto in your seventh house indicates that you will be arrested in
Wandsworth for ‘aggravated Burberry’.

Lucky arrangement:
By mutual consent

Lucky settlement:
Out of court

C
ANCER

After a quiet start, this week looks to be one of the dullest in your chart. The confluence between Mars and Neptune last weekend means that while shopping for new plimsolls at
the local market you will bump into Hollywood film star Kiefer Sutherland. However, the malign influence of Pluto means that you will annoy him by asking if he has an older and younger brother
called ‘Kief’ and ‘Kiefest’.

Lucky punch:
Right hook

Lucky mating call:
The giant Pacific clam

L
EO

Saturn transits your birthsign on Tuesday. This, combined with an unusual aspect between the Moon and Neptune indicates a chance meeting in the Co-op with a manufacturer of
novelty reading glasses from Kempten in Bavaria. Don’t waste your time asking if his local racetrack is five miles long (Oh, di-doo-da-day), as he will have heard that one before.

Lucky cough:
Dry tickle

Lucky odds:
11/2

V
IRGO

In recent months you have been tied down much more than you normally enjoy. And if you find yourself strapped for cash later in the week, you only have yourself to blame. Your
ruler, Mercury, is going to be travelling in tandem with Venus for the next week, so make sure you use plenty of talcum powder and don’t forget your stretching exercises – tendons
don’t grow on trees.

Lucky tone:
Conciliatory

Lucky manner:
Bedside

L
IBRA

Always a worrier, you may be too hard on yourself just now. No-one could have foreseen that you would be undercut by Phil Collins when applying for your usual part-time Santa
job in Selfridges. On Friday, when Saturn and Pluto are once more in exact opposition, a man in a bootlace tie with a Hornbill under one arm will give you a funny look in the Public bar of the
Alma.

Lucky tempest:
Troy

Lucky chair:
Hepplewhite

S
CORPIO

You will have no trouble standing up for your point of view, but exercise diplomacy, take a deep breath and count to ten if there are arguments with your partner on Wednesday,
as they will be in the mood to flay the skin off you. Pluto travelling through your fourth house on Tuesday means that you might fancy a slice of Battenberg cake with your usual leek soup for
elevenses.

Lucky veneer:
Birch

Lucky alloy:
Pewter

S
AGITTARIUS

Although Mercury and Venus are travelling together in your sign, providing a congenial backdrop to your life, each planet has an awkward aspect to Neptune early in the week,
which means that you will temporarily lose the ability to play the tenor-saxophone. Your fan mail reaches a new high on Thursday when you receive over 13 letters proving conclusively that beauty is
in the eye of the bewildered.

Lucky position:
Precarious

Lucky bat:
Pippistrelle

C
APRICORN

Saturn transits your fourth house on Monday providing an ideal opportunity to really clean up, and indeed shine when you park your car under a tree much favoured by pigeons. A
drastic shortage of soft tissue in the staff facilities at work is indicated by the rare conjunction between the Sun and Uranus. On Friday a square Pluto means that you will feel kindly disposed
toward hedgehogs all day.

Lucky wolf:
Maned

Lucky iron:
7

A
QUARIUS

The malign influence of mischievous Pluto on Tuesday means that this will not be a good week for studying forestry. A rare opportunity to appear in a documentary about
commercial pancake mix will nearly be missed on Friday lunchtime when you are delayed by an unusually dense fog in the corridor on the first floor.