12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (9 page)

Lucky habit:
Snuff
Lucky drink:
Lager-tops

S
AGITTARIUS

The New Moon in Taurus indicates a tough week for anyone closely involved with speed skating. The effects of last week’s eclipse are still evident in your birthsign,
particularly at the end of the week when you are plagued by Sagittarius rising which will wake you in the early hours of Friday by slamming the car door, and falling through your hedge.

Lucky order:
The Carmelites
Lucky soup:
Cock-A-Leekie

C
APRICORN

Fortune smiles on the aristocrats of the zodiac this week, but your decision to attempt to grow the world’s longest handlebar moustache is thwarted by an unlucky
combination of a pair of pinking shears and an apprentice dervish you accidentally brought home in your hand-luggage from a recent business trip.

Lucky fish:
The Grayling
Lucky poultice:
Mustard

A
QUARIUS

Venus transiting the Sun may manifest its influence in a number of unusual ways this week. On Wednesday while slicing Aubergines for your act, you discover a pattern of seeds
that looks exactly like Alvin Schockemohle. On Friday, an adverse reaction between your trousers and shirt will cause a quiet tweeting noise every time you try to use an adverb.

Lucky garnish:
Chives
Lucky teeth:
Incisors

P
ISCES

Pluto and Neptune conjoin in your birthsign this week leading to disharmony and discord. This is most evident in a choral recital you give at the end of the week, which even
your best friends will describe as sounding like an angry man clubbing a muskox to death with a set of bagpipes.

Lucky rhythm:
Syncopated
Lucky starch:
The plantain

A
RIES

The link between Venus and Jupiter on Thursday indicates that you will need to start thinking about a new way of dealing with young people. The routine of pretending to steal
their nose rarely works with anyone over three years old. On Wednesday you will have a run in with the dry cleaners over frequent zip repairs.

Lucky adjective:
Sprightly
Lucky muse:
Terpsichore

T
AURUS

A well-rounded look to the week as Venus and Mercury both aspect Pluto. You really need to consider how hard you’ve been working of late and think about giving yourself
some well-earned time off. On Friday, you accidentally book a working-class return to Reading which takes the whole weekend to recover from.

Lucky footwear:
Suede brogues
Lucky glaze:
Gelatine

G
EMINI

Venus transits the Sun on Tuesday, which indicates an unusual opportunity to turn a long cherished dream into reality this summer. However, mischievous Pluto rising means that
you should confirm arrangements with the travel agent in writing rather than on the phone, unless swimming with moleskins is your idea of a good time.

Lucky fritter:
Banana
Lucky cup:
34C

C
ANCER

If you start the week with financial worries there is a good chance that these will have eased by Friday when you accidentally come up with an unbeatable idea while paving over
your window box. An unlikely sequence of events sees you combining a recording of your trademark giggle, a hover mower, and some red nylon fur, thereby inventing the ‘Tickle Me
Flymo’.

Lucky garnish:
Knob of butter
Lucky mollusc:
Snail

L
EO

Your Venus is looking increasingly ill-at-ease of late which may help to explain the trouble you’ve had getting satisfactory results from your new trouser-press. However,
the New Moon in Capricorn will see the dreams about Ken Livingstone tailing off during the course of the next week or so, and a warm front moving in from the West.

Lucky pudding:
Tapioca

Lucky table:
Six-times

V
IRGO

Saturn’s benign influence will bring joy and happiness to everyone who realises that they are not as old as you. Venus rising means that you may be approached in the
street by a strangely attractive woman who insists on a birthday kiss, passing on her address, and a mild but persistent gum disease.

Lucky vitamin:
C Minor

Lucky hold:
The folding trouser press

L
IBRA

Monday’s aspect between Venus and Neptune will mean a misunderstanding in the ten items or less queue at the double-glazing showroom involving three French hens, a
knitting machine, and The Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer – again. A dramatic trine between Mercury and Mars on Tuesday indicates a Bacchanalian lunch with a medical man. So don’t
wear your best trousers – you know what you found in the turn-ups last time.

Lucky accent:
Somerset

Lucky Starr:
Edwin

S
CORPIO

An unusual aspect between Mars and Neptune has kept things fairly quiet for a week or so, but all that will change on Wednesday when you are given a pair of working
chameleon-skin trousers that enable you to blend into any background from the waist down. These will turn out to be particularly useful on Thursday when senior managers decide on a snap cubicle
inspection.

Lucky road-kill:
Hare

Lucky particle:
The quark

S
AGITTARIUS

This week your ruler the Sun is trine with Jupiter which means some respite from the constant battle to wring the best out of the work-shy fops with whom you are burdened. Look
on the bright side, you have an attractive mower, a wife who starts on the third or fourth pull, and a world-class collection of reading glasses, so things could be much worse – and indeed on
Friday, they are.

Lucky loins:
Pork

Lucky alias:
Thaxted Mulrooney

C
APRICORN

Over the years, your quick and clever tongue has made you popular on the whole, and it has surprised many that you have not risen further. However, on Wednesday, the Full Moon
out of your office window will have a dramatic effect on your fortunes when you are spotted by a senior television executive, who immediately signs you up as Ant & Dec’s stunt double.

Lucky snack:
Bread-pudding

Lucky Parton:
Dolly

A
QUARIUS

Mysterious Neptune enters your seventh house on Wednesday bringing with it a sense of foreboding along with an unexpected bill for emergency chiropody work. Many people see you
as being a little timorous, shy, and even insecure. But be of good heart, with a little more effort, the restraint you inherited from your Mother should finally give way after one more really
determined chew on Wednesday night.

Lucky beetle:
Goliath

Lucky paper:
The Essex Chronicle

P
ISCES

Although the years have so far been kind to you, fickle Pluto is a constant reminder that the constant strain of early mornings and early lunches may one day begin to take its
toll. Saturn is trine with Neptune on Thursday which indicates that you may pick up a touch of St. Elmo’s fire, so keep a bucket of water about you at all times.

Lucky composer:
Schubert

Lucky symbol:
Ampersand

A
RIES

You have always enjoyed the finer things in life, but your ruler, Saturn, entering your fourth house on Tuesday, combined with a surprise phone call from NASA telling you that
you are starting to show up on satellite photographs, indicates that cutting back on the nourishment may be no bad thing. Fate however takes a hand on Thursday when you lose nearly three stone in
the back of a taxi in a freak wonderbra accident.

Lucky phobia:
Protozoa

Lucky hold:
Half-Nelson

T
AURUS

An unusual start to the week is indicated by Mars rising. It seems that after years of pulling faces to amuse and entertain senior executives, your Mother’s warning
finally comes true, the wind changes (no bad thing in your case) and you stay that way. Fortunately, a trine Mercury means that the resulting rictus will only last until Thursday, when a freak
paper-cut severs the nerves causing the problem.

Lucky tern:
Sooty

Lucky Pope:
Pius X

G
EMINI

Venus, planet of love, moves into your sign on Wednesday indicating that you will meet the woman of your dreams. Unfortunately, as usual, you will be sound asleep at the time.
Later in the week, Jupiter forms an unusual square with Pluto and Neptune leaving you unable to shake off the eerie feeling that you’ve had déjà vu before.

Lucky tone:
Wolfe

Lucky triangle:
Winnersh

C
ANCER

A trine between dynamic Mercury and your ruler, the Sun, means that you need to take care not to become exhausted by your heavy workload. Now might be the time to consider a
break – a line-dancing weekend in Bratislava, or even that cross-country double-entry book-keeping holiday in Rhyl you’ve had your eye on.

Lucky estuary:
Medway

Lucky accent:
Flemish

L
EO

Venus is in your birthsign this week, so the prospects of a real old-fashioned romance are good, particularly on Monday. Even if you don’t find the love of your life this
week, you will certainly get a surprise on Tuesday, as Mars in your fourth house indicates that you will be ambushed and carried off by hoverflies when you wear your second-best yellow shirt to
work.

Lucky process:
Photosynthesis

Lucky sidekick:
Dr. Watson

V
IRGO

Mercury, planet of communication enters your sign on Tuesday. This should see an end to an ongoing disagreement you have had with the HR department over your interpretation of
the staff disciplinary procedures. Your suggestion that these should include Chinese burns, horse-bites, nutmegs, and for lesser offences, a game of ‘knuckles’ with the head of
Marketing, is not well received.

Lucky estuary:
Medway

Lucky main course:
Boiled chicken nerves

L
IBRA

Everyone will notice Libra this week. You’re the ones with the glow around you that nothing can dampen. Later in the week, Mars rising indicates that you will discover
that this is due to an excess of seafood in your diet, which has caused you to develop a phosphorescent ‘wake’.

Lucky vein:
Vena cava

Lucky harp:
Aeolian

S
CORPIO

On Tuesday, the New Moon in Pisces indicates that your true talent will at last be recognised and a big Hollywood film studio will offer you the part that you were born to
play, that of the leading role in the autobiographical story of Mick McManus. On Friday you will have ham and boiled new potatoes for dinner.

Lucky spasm:
Restless leg

Lucky sauce:
Hollandaise

S
AGITTARIUS

Saturn rising in your third house indicates a strong interest in the activities of your close neighbours, especially the lady across the road. On Thursday mischievous Pluto
enters your birthsign, which means that you may well forget to take down the tripod and telescope before drawing the curtains to leave for work. The good news is that your photography is improving
no end.

Lucky cuffs:
French

Lucky dance:
Gavotte

C
APRICORN

Venus and Saturn conjoin in your birthsign this week bringing an opportunity to control the volatility that has characterised so many of your recent pie recipes. On Wednesday a
freak accident with a bulldog-clip and a tin of mustard powder will leave you with a long-term inability to swallow wine-gums.