A Family for Christmas (12 page)

“What about the farm? I want Sammy to have it once he’s old enough to appreciate it.”

Jack drew in a breath.
“Rachel, I can only imagine what you’ve been through and I’m not going to do anything to destroy Sammy’s connection to Sam. But I’m part of his life now. And yours. We can keep the farm. I’ll make sure someone keeps an eye on it for us. We can use it for vacations and such. It’s not that far to one of the Ski resorts. It will make a great vacation home until Sammy’s old enough to decide what he wants to do with it.”

For the first time, she actually smiled at him. It had the power to wipe away all his troubling thoughts.

“I think that’s a
wonderful
idea.”

He wanted so bad to hold her. If he were being honest, he wanted more than that, but small steps first. He cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking along her soft skin. He felt her shiver in response to his touch.

“Then let’s call your mother and Michael and tell them the good news.” He picked up the phone and held it out to her.

“They’ll know. They’ll understand the reason we’re getting married. They’ll know the truth.”

“And what is the truth?” he challenged.

Whatever she’d been about to say died away the moment her eyes met his. And then he kissed her because he couldn’t deny the need to feel her lips against his any longer.

He loved her. He wanted her. He needed her in his life like he needed his next breath. And he’d finally stopped trying to deny those needs.

Chapter Eight

On Christmas Eve, in the small church she and Sammy attended, Jack and Rachel were married. In front of her minister and his wife. And Sammy.

In the end, even though it was her third marriage and one of convenience, she couldn’t get married in front by a justice of the peace like they had the last time. She needed this marriage to mean something more this time. If only for herself.

“I know how important your faith is to you. Let’s do it right this time.”

She wanted to believe their marriage actually meant something to Jack. Still there was an element of doubt in her that made her wonder how long it would take for Jack to become bored with her and with being a father.

After the ceremony, they went to a small restaurant to celebrate. It felt strange being married to Jack again. Nothing like the excitement she’d experienced the first time. The sneaking away. The passion they’d shared in that small hotel before breaking the news to their parents. She wondered if she’d known back then what lay ahead for them, would she have still gone through with it?

Once this day would have been a dream come true, now it was filled with more sadness than joy. For Sammy’s sake, she tried to hide her unhappiness. She wanted this year to be the best Christmas ever for Sammy.

“Momma, what time will Santa come tonight?”

Jack shook his head and smiled at their son. “Your mother and I just got married and all you can think about is Santa?”

“No, I liked the ceremony too. Momma looked pretty, didn’t she?”

“Yes.” The gentling in Jack’s tone made her want to cry. She knew if she looked up, she’d find him watching her again, as he’d done for most of the day.

She wondered what his thoughts were today. Was he remembering their first marriage in the same way as she was? Or was he thinking it had been the biggest mistake of his life?

“But then, your mother was always the prettiest girl around.”

“Momma, what’s wrong?” Leave it to her smart son to pick up on what she was feeling. They’d gotten used to it being just the two of them. He probably knew her better than anyone did.

If she didn’t get control of herself, she’d be crying soon. She tried to smile and reassure Sammy. She didn’t want anything to take away from his happiness. “Nothing, honey. I just think that if we’re going to the church service tonight, you have got to take a nap, so finish your lunch, baby.”

“Okay, Momma.” Sammy accepted her answer without question. She hated that she’d just lied to him.

He took a huge bite from his hamburger and grinned at her. She couldn’t remember seeing him this happy in a long time. That was all that mattered. Sammy’s happiness. If having Jack in his life made him this happy, then she’d do whatever it took to keep it that way.

With Sammy sleeping, it was just the two of them. It was awkward being alone with their new marital status. And even though Jack tried to put her at ease, she was all too aware of the things that were missing from their marriage this time around. She busied herself making pies for the following day.

“Want to talk about it?” She hadn’t realized he’d followed her until he spoke.

She took the last pie from the oven and set it on the stovetop to cool before answering. “I don’t want to talk. I’m tired, Jack. I’m going to go lie down for a bit. I’ll see you later.” She didn’t wait for his answer. She couldn’t. The tears that had been so close for most of the day had started to fall. She couldn’t even begin to stop them.

She ran past the bedroom she’d once shared with Sam, straight through to the small master bath, closing the door behind her. She undressed and turned on the shower to drown out the sound of her sobs. She’d never felt this lost before. Not even after losing Jack the first time.

Rachel glanced down at the wedding ring on her left hand. A perfect emerald-cut diamond. Jack told her he’d brought it with him from Austin. He’d been so sure of her answer even then. She held it up to catch the light, drops of water falling from it like her tears. For the life of her, she couldn’t see the beauty in it. It felt as if she’d just sold her happiness in exchange for her son’s.

*****

Rachel awoke with a start
. She felt
disoriented. Something had awakened her from the troubled sleep she’d fallen into. She realized it was Jack. Seated next to her, he was shaking her gently awake.

She bolted up, trying to focus. The room around them was dark, adding to the feeling of confusion. “What is it?”

He caught her against him. “Hey, relax. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. It’s just past six.”

She pushed his hands away and felt his disapproval. “No, I need to get up and get Sammy ready.” She started to get out of bed and remembered that she wore only her old faded robe.

“It’s okay. Sammy’s already up and fed and I’ve made dinner for us. So, take your time.”

Jack left her without another word. As she watched him go, she couldn’t deny his anger or her regret.

This wasn’t the fairy tale she’d once experienced with him. This was nothing like what she’d longed for having again.

She’d been such a foolish girl, looking at life with rose-colored glasses. Such a child back then. She hadn’t understood that there was more to life than fairy tales.

Rachel dressed quickly, picking out her favorite dress. While it was several years old, it still fit nicely and the red color accentuated her blonde hair and green eyes.

She found Sammy sitting at the kitchen table, trying to concentrate on a book.

“Momma, are you ready yet?”

“Almost, honey.” She ruffled his hair and kissed the top of his head. “What are you reading?” She avoided Jack’s gaze entirely. She hadn’t felt this nervous around him since the night they’d made love for the first time and realized how much they cared about each other.

“The Night Before Christmas.”

“Sammy, let your mother eat.” Jack held out the chair for her. She hated that she was conscious of his every move. It was just the holiday and ceremony that was making her feel this sentimental. Would he even remember all those Christmases past they’d spent together?

She glanced up and found him watching her as well. In his eyes, she saw the truth. Jack, too, was remembering.

“You look beautiful, Rachel. Red always did suit you.”

She wondered if he felt as awkward with her as she did with him. Somehow, she doubted it. Jack was always so confident and assured.

But then, she knew so little about his life now. How many other women had
cared for
since their marriage ended? She wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer to that question.

“Momma, are you and Daddy going to be
staying in the same room
?”

Her gaze collided with Jack’s. She couldn’t breathe. This was the last question she’d ever expected to hear from Sammy and she didn’t know how to answer it. How could she tell him that theirs was not a normal marriage?

“Not for a while. Your mother likes her space.” She couldn’t read what Jack was thinking, but his answer seemed to satisfy Sammy for the moment. She prayed that over time he would come to accept their arrangement as normal.

The small church where they had said their vows earlier in the day was now packed with people celebrating the most holy of times.

The three of them found a seat at the back of the church. Rachel was aware of several curious glances their way. News traveled fast in a small community. By now, just about everyone around would know about her marriage.

“What did you expect? They’ll be happy for us. And for you. Sam’s been gone for several years, Rachel. You’re not doing anything wrong,” Jack whispered.

“I know. It’s just that I feel like such a fake. I mean our marriage is...”

He lifted her left hand so that both of them could see the wedding ring. “Why would you feel like a fake? We are every bit as married as any other couple in this room, honey. And the sooner you accept that, the better. We’re together now. There’s nothing either of us can do to change the past, but I’m committed to making this marriage work. I never want to lose you again.”

She couldn’t look away from the sincerity she saw in his eyes. She believed he meant every word.

When they left the church they found it had started to snow again. The atmosphere around them took on a surreal feeling, as if the whole world was hushed and waiting.

“Momma, can I stay up for a little while longer tonight?” Rachel was actually grateful for Sammy’s presence on the ride home. It kept her from having to try to find something to say to Jack.

“No, baby. You need to go to sleep for Santa to come.”

Still, it took over an hour and several stories before Sammy finally fell asleep.

She found Jack sitting in front of the tree, putting the finishing touches on Sammy’s remote controlled car.

“You’re done? I could have helped you.” When she came into the room, he glanced up and made a face.

“No offense, Rachel, but I still remember how mechanically challenged you are. I’d like for the thing to actually stay in one piece long enough for him to get tired of it.”

“Oh, very funny. For your information, I happen to have gotten pretty good at putting stuff together over the years. I’ve had to.”

They looked at each other and something akin to regret or frustration dawned in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. Jack, I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you about Sammy. It’s just that—”

“Just what? What were you afraid of, Rachel?”

Their eyes held each other across the room. His filled with hope. Hers doubt. No matter how hard she tried, she

couldn’t seem to bring the words out. Couldn’t let herself trust him yet.

“Nothing. I’m not afraid of anything. I…I’m making some coffee. Would you like some?”

Jack recognized her need to escape and slowly nodded. She turned and hurried away. It took longer than normal to make the coffee because her hands were trembling so much. She was a nervous wreck just being near him. How on earth was she going to survive the rest of their lives together?

She was still hiding out in the kitchen when Jack found her.

“I was beginning to wonder if you’d decided to run away again,” he said quietly from the doorway, and watched her reaction.

She focused on the task of pouring coffee, refusing to take up his challenge.

Jack shoved away from the door and came to her, stopping inches away. He took the cup from her hand.

“Did you get the car put together?”

“Yes. After I threw the instructions out.” Had she imagined the roughness in his voice?

She turned to look at him. “Thank you, Jack. You’re right, I would never have figured out how to put it together on my own.”

“Rachel.” He moved closer. “Sammy is my son as well. Of course, I want to do things for him.”

“I know. I didn’t mean it that way. I only meant...I don’t know what I meant.”

“It’s okay. I know this is hard for you. It’s been the two of you for so long, but sharing him can be a good thing.”

“I know. I know Sammy needs you in his life and I’m trying, Jack, but it’s hard.”

“Maybe if you’d try accepting me as your husband as well, it would help. I know this is all new, and I know you loved Sam, but I know you care about me. You can’t deny it, Rachel. I can feel it in you whenever I’m near you.”

“Jack...”

He touched her face. “You and I have a whole lot more than history between us. We were always g
ood together
.”