A Family to Be (Saddle Falls) (13 page)

His marriage proposal was kind, extremely generous and exactly want she would have expected from a man like Josh.

Dear Josh,
she thought, her heart aching.

“Josh.” With great deliberation, Em took a slow, deep breath, then drew back to look at him. “I’m honored and touched by your proposal. Honestly,” she added when his brows knit.

“But you’re not going to marry me?” he said dismally, wondering why it hurt so much.

“No, I’m not,” she said, laying a hand to his chest. “I can’t even begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that you love Baby Cakes and want to be her father. It touches me in a way nothing has in a long, long time. But Josh, marrying you to give Baby Cakes a father simply wouldn’t be fair to you. You deserve more than a marriage of convenience.”

“But Em—”

“Josh, you’ll always be a part of Baby Cakes’s life as a trusted friend, a confidant, maybe even her first crush,” she added with a twinkle in her eye.

“Why, Em? Just tell me why?” He covered her hand with his, joining his fingers with hers, wanting to join their hearts in the same way. He didn’t think of this as a marriage of convenience, he thought it would be a marriage…of the heart. Another thought had him nearly panicking. “Don’t you think I’d be a good father?”

She laughed simply because the idea was so absurd. “Someday, when you find a woman you love and truly want and should marry, I have no doubt that you’re going to be a fabulous father.”

“But you don’t want me to be the father of
your
child, is that it?”

Em couldn’t bear to see the hurt in his eyes. It would be easier to talk to him if he didn’t have his arms around her, if she couldn’t feel his warmth or his protection.

“Josh, do you remember earlier tonight in the restaurant when you asked me what I wanted now?”

“Yeah,” he said, not certain where she was going with this.

“I told you what I wanted now was a real home, filled with love and laughter, security and stability.” She had to swallow the lump in her throat. “Josh, if I marry you, it will be simply to give Baby Cakes a father, and that’s not a real good basis for a marriage.” She hesitated, wanting him to understand. “I had a marriage in name only before, a marriage where my husband didn’t love me.” She shook her head. “I have no intention of ever having that kind of marriage again. It wouldn’t be good for me, nor would it be good for the baby.” She took a deep breath, then squared her shoulders. “Josh, if I ever get married again, I want the fairy tale,” she admitted with the shrug. “The
real
fairy tale this time, Josh. Not the imitation. I want it all, Josh. The love, the caring, the tenderness, the understanding. A true partner. I want a marriage that will give both me and Baby Cakes a real home and a family, the kind I’ve always wanted and dreamed about. And I want a man that I can love with all my heart, knowing he’ll love me as much in return.”

“But Em, you know I care about you,” he protested, trying to make sense out of his own feelings. He cared for her. More than he could put into words. Much more than he’d ever realized until tonight when he’d asked her to marry him, when he thought about spending his life with her, every day, every night, together.

He hadn’t realized how much he’d been thinking about spending his life with her until she’d turned down his marriage proposal.

“Of course you do, Josh, and I care about you.”
I love you,
she thought, but because she did love him she wouldn’t cheat him out of a chance to be with a woman he really loved and wanted to marry for all the right reasons. “Too much to accept your proposal. But I thank you, Josh. Thank you for being the most wonderful, kind, caring friend a woman could ever have.” She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. “Let’s go home, now,” she said, and he nodded, opening the door for her with an irritated scowl, then sliding behind the wheel and starting the car.

Em only thought of him as a friend.

He glanced at her, and felt something deep and profound stir inside him, and he wondered when he’d started thinking of Em as
more
than a friend.

Much more.

He wasn’t sure. All he knew at the moment, was that he’d just blown it.

“You set one foot on that ladder, Em and I’m telling Josh.” Jake wiped his hands on his glue-splattered rag, stepped closer to the ladder he’d just come down off of, then laughed at the smoldering look she shot him.

“Tattletale,” she complained, trying to hide a grin. “I just want to see how the ceiling looks. Up close.” She glanced up at the ceiling where Jake had just finished putting up oak crown molding.

She glanced around the master bedroom, then hugged herself, pleased. Everything in the house was finally coming together. Jake, Jared and Josh had spent the weekend painting, plastering and wallpapering.

The master bedroom which had once been dark and depressing, now was awash in shades of pale green and pink. The upper walls had been wallpapered in a small rose-striped print, then Jake had added an oak chair rail to separate the wall, finishing them off by painting the bottom a pale green, picking up the same color in the wallpaper. She’d already chosen a matching green-and-pink quilt and curtains, and now she couldn’t wait to get everything put together. With only a few weeks until her due date, she was anxious to have everything finished.

“It’s beautiful, Jake,” Em confessed, twirling around in delight. The house was finally beginning to look and feel like a real home.

“Should be,” Jake complained good-naturedly, chugging down a full glass of lemonade and wiping his brow. “I’ve had lots of practice.” He rolled his eyes. “Rebecca’s had me doing the same thing at our place.”

“How’s she feeling?” Em asked, taking his glass and refilling it from the pitcher sitting on the drop-cloth-covered floor. “I imagine this heat is unbearable for her now.”

“She’s churlish,” Jake admitted with another grin, flashing the dimple the Ryan men were known for. “But tell her I said that and I’ll lie and deny it.”

Em laughed. “She’s only got another week or so to go so I imagine she’s entitled.”

“You’re right,” he admitted, swiping his brow again. “But I’ll be happy once the baby comes. Finally.” Pride and love shone in his face.

“Goofing off again, bro?” Jared walked into the bedroom, dressed similarly in paint-splattered shirt and cutoffs. He glanced around, surveying his brother’s handiwork. “Not bad,” he said, walking around in a circle and giving a nod of approval. “Not bad at all.”

“Thanks,” Jake said sarcastically. “Nice of you to approve.”

“Josh needs us in the nursery,” Jared said, reaching for his brother’s glass of lemonade and draining it in one sip.

“Can I come, too?” Em asked with a mischievous smile. Josh had banned her from the nursery from the moment he’d finished prepping the walls. As a baby gift for Baby Cakes he’d insisted on decorating the entire room, but wouldn’t let Em see it until it was totally done. And she was so antsy and curious, she could just spit.

“No!” Jake and Jared caroled in unison. “Josh will have our heads.” Jared draped an arm around Em’s shoulders. “Just be patient, Em. He’ll let you see it as soon as he’s finished.”

“But—”

“Em, the way I hear it, he’ll be finished before dark falls tomorrow night—”

“Tomorrow?” she asked in excitement, earning a nod from Jared.

“Yep.” He glanced at his brother. “Providing he gets some help,” Jared said meaningfully. They both knew Josh was hurrying to finish the house because Em’s baby shower was tomorrow.

Jake shrugged, pocketing his rag. “You know those lawyer types, all thumbs when it comes to
real
work.” He wiggled his brows at Em. “Come on, bro, let’s go help the guy out.”

“Can I do anything to help?” Em called, following Jake and Jared down the hallway, sidestepping the ladder Josh had left propped against the wall and hoping for a peek at the nursery.

“Yeah, make some more lemonade,” Jake requested with a grin before slipping inside the nursery with his brother and shutting the door firmly behind him.

For a moment, Em stood there, listening to the brothers talk, laugh and joke with one another. They sounded like just what they were, she thought with a smile. A family. A real family. They were close, loving and always a part of each other’s lives. One always knew they could count on the other for anything and everything.

They’d always had that luxury, she thought wistfully. Always had the benefit of knowing they belonged. Something she’d never once felt in her life.

Something her own child would feel.

She’d make certain of it.

With a wistful sigh of yearning, Em turned and headed back down the hall.

Em looked so peaceful sleeping on the couch that Josh hated to wake her up. But it was late, way past the dinner hour and he knew she hadn’t eaten yet. After helping him clean up, his brothers had gone home, and Josh had taken the time to shower and change before deciding to wake her.

“Em?” Gently, Josh sat next to her on the couch and touched her shoulder. “Em, hon, it’s time to wake up.” He touched her shoulder again, then watched her slowly awaken. Her eyes fluttered several times. She scrubbed at her nose, then pushed her hair sleepily off her face, making him smile.

“Josh?” Her voice was groggy with sleep. Her eyes fluttered again and then she smiled that beautiful, glorious smile. “What time is it?” she asked, slightly befuddled as she glanced toward the window and saw night had fallen.

“Almost eight.”

“Morning or night?”

He laughed. “Night. It’s still Saturday night, Em.” Tenderly, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and helped her to sit up. “I wouldn’t have woken you but I figured you must be getting hungry by now.”

“You have paint in your hair,” she said, lifting a finger to touch the area where several strands on the side of his head were clumped together by a particularly brilliant shade of pink.

“I’m surprised my whole head’s not painted,” he admitted, rubbing his skinned knuckles. Although he and his brothers had always done manual labor around the ranch while they were growing up, it had been a long, long time since he’d actually physically exerted himself the way he had the past few weeks getting Em’s house ready for the baby.

“Are you hungry?” he asked and she nodded, rubbing her belly.

“Starving.”

“It’s too hot to cook, Em, so I ordered some ribs from Rico’s in town.” He glanced at his watch. “I’ve got to pick them up in about ten minutes. That sound okay?”

“Ribs?” Her face brightened and she fairly swooned. “I’ve had such a taste for ribs the past couple of days— What?” she asked abruptly when he started to laugh. “What are you laughing about Joshua Ryan?”

“You’ve mentioned it, ah…more than a few times.” He stroked a finger down her cheek. She looked so soft and beautiful, her skin glowing, her eyes gleaming.

She laughed, rubbing her belly again. “Can’t help it. It seems like I’m starving all the time now. Heat or not.”

His brows knit and he glanced down. She was rubbing her belly again in a way that let him know the baby was rambunctious. “Baby Cakes getting restless again?”

She nodded, stifling a yawn. “She’s been kicking up a storm all day, and I think she has the hiccups. Again,” she admitted with a laugh.

“Here, let me.” Josh began slowly massaging Em’s belly, cooing softly to the baby.

“You’re going to spoil her, Josh,” Em whispered, unable to resist laying a hand to the silk of his hair. Her eyes slid closed as he continued to soothe and comfort Baby Cakes, to whisper soft, sweet, nonsensical words to her.

“That’s what babies are for, Em, to spoil.” He lifted his head and their eyes met and held for a long silent moment. Unable to resist, desperately wanting—needing—to feel connected to him, she laid her hand over his.

“Josh, you are going to make a wonderful father some day,” she said quietly, feeling a rush of love for him and for her baby nearly overfill her heart.

Josh was such a kind, wonderful man with the capacity to love in a way she’d never known any other man to be. It touched her so deeply, and made the yearning inside her grow day by day. “You know that?” She couldn’t bear to think about Josh married—to someone else—doing all these wonderful, loving things. Since the night he’d asked her to marry her, Em had not been able to stop thinking about the fact that one day Josh would marry someone else.

The thought of it almost broke her heart.

Immediately Em regretted her thoughts, knowing she was being selfish. If anyone deserved the fairy tale, a loving wife and a loving family, it was Josh. Still, she couldn’t stop the twinge of jealousy that touched her heart.

“Seems like she’s settling down,” he said softly, slowly caressing Em’s belly and watching her face go soft and dreamy at his touch. “I think she’s falling asleep,” he said, smiling at Em. Whenever she looked like this, so vulnerable, so fragile, it took all his self-control not to just scoop her up into his arms and hold her close, to protect her and Baby Cakes from anything and everything that could ever hurt them.

He treasured the peaceful pleasure he saw in her eyes, on her face every day. Treasured it and wanted to make sure it stayed there.

Em smiled, then lay her head back on the couch, feeling sleepy and contented. “I think so, Josh. You know, it’s almost like she knows it’s you rubbing my belly. When I do it, all she does is kick and fuss some more, but when you do it, well, it’s as if the moment she hears your voice, feels your touch she seems to calm right down.” Sort of like her mother, Em thought wistfully, realizing just what a calming effect Josh had had on her life since she’d come home. And still marveling at it.

Standing, he grinned down at her. “Kid’s got good taste, what can I tell you?” He glanced at his watch. “I’m going to run into town to pick up our food. Can I get you anything while I’m there? More ice cream? Lemonade? Anything?”

She shook her head. “No, thanks, Josh. I think I’ve got everything I need.”