A Moment of Weakness (17 page)

After an hour, she pulled back onto the road. She needed to get home and face her father.
Help me, God. I can’t do this alone
. The prayer seemed to bring a sense of peace in her heart. She would survive. She had her baby to think about now. As she headed north on I-5, she was struck by the fact that only two things had been true about that summer.

First, she had become a Christian. She might be the very worst one of all, but the fact remained that God had called her his own. No litany of lies from Tanner could mean her salvation wasn’t true. She had a long way to go before things were right with the Lord, but one day they would be good again. He was her everlasting father, and nothing could change that.

Second, as long as she lived she would never, ever love any man the way she had allowed herself to love Tanner Eastman. All the earthly love she had to give from now on would be showered on one alone.

Her unborn child.

A
FTER DECADES OF OPPRESSION AND GOVERNMENT BANS ON
B
IBLES
, the Hungarians were hungry for God’s Word. Knowledge of that fact kept Tanner going even on days when he missed Jade so badly he felt physically ill.

The trip had been a whirlwind such that had there been the opportunity for phone calls back home there certainly would not have been the time. Since the trip was equally devoted to research and outreach, Tanner and seventeen college seniors from the East Coast spent their mornings going from school to school with a local translator.

The truths they were allowed to share to public school children would have sent the ACLU into a tailspin of lawsuits and outrage.

They kept their message simple. God was creator of all, sovereign and eternal, compassionate and full of love. His son, Jesus Christ, had come to the world, laid down his life for the sins of all so that any who believed in him might live forever. His word was truth. Period. And faith in him was the only hope for the world.

When Tanner wasn’t speaking, he watched in amazement as the wide-eyed Hungarian children eagerly—almost desperately—soaked in the gospel message. Even more stunning were the public school administrators who welcomed Tanner’s group and their message with open arms.

Back home students were not allowed to mention Jesus’ name, even during the week before Christmas. Easter break
had become spring break, and prayer was often forbidden at graduation ceremonies. Schools permitted rock lyrics with a message of hatred, but a student dare not sing a song of praise to God. Children with the freedom to purchase guns opened fire in schools, killing their classmates, particularly Christian classmates. And the ACLU defended those same students’ right to brandish symbols of death, swastikas, and hate slogans on their notebooks and T-shirts.

Tanner wondered how long it would be before the United States government banned Bibles? Before Christians were hunted down and thrown into jail for being ‘conspirators against the government’? Tanner feared the answer, and it motivated him to learn all he could during his time in Hungary.

From before sunup to late in the night, Tanner was absorbed in the process. He and his peers studied archives, interviewed former government officials, taught children, and made home visits to the families of school children who had requested additional information. Everyone wanted a Bible, and by the ninth day the Youth with a Mission leader had run out and wired back to the states for additional supplies.

They heard horrendous stories from the recent past, stories of people being jailed, tormented, and beheaded for their faith. Early in the trip, Tanner met a teenage boy named Peter. He was a ward of the state, and when Tanner brought the gospel message to the boy’s classroom, he began filling in details for his classmates, quoting Scripture in the process.

Tanner asked the boy how he knew the Bible so well.

“My parents were Christians,” Peter said through the translator. The boy’s faith shone through strong eyes. “They taught us the Scriptures late at night, when police could not hear. We all committed to memory books of the Bible. Letters from St. Paul about suffering for the faith.”

Peter hesitated. “Before the change in government, police found out what my parents were doing. They came one night, broke into the house, and shot my parents in the head. My parents were holding their Bibles when they died.”

Tanner learned from Peter that he and his two sisters were forced to watch their parents’ execution. Afterward, they were separated and sent to different parts of the nation to be raised as wards of the state. Peter had not heard from his sisters since.

After more than a week of hearing similar stories, Tanner was motivated like never before. The United States would not go the way of Hungary if he had anything to do with it. And God had showed Tanner that he would, indeed, have much to do with it.

In the quiet moments—moments scheduled for devotion, reflection, and Bible study—Tanner was more certain than ever that this was his calling. He would be a warrior for religious freedom in a country desperate for someone to take on the cause.

He memorized Romans 10:14–15, repeating it to himself when he became discouraged.
How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent?

He would carry the message back home where God would use him to expose the ways religious freedom was fading in America. He prayed God might use him in an amazing way so that no American child would ever be ripped away from his parents because of his or her faith.

No, he would never forget Peter or the people of Hungary.

His determination drove him to continue even when he missed Jade so much he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. With her
half a world away, he realized for the first time how long a week could be—or a day. Or, for that matter, even an hour.

Tanner’s bed was a worn-out, government-issued cot, and he shared a room in a decaying school dormitory with three students from East Coast universities. On the first day of the fourth week, Tanner lay awake, wishing he could toss and turn, but knowing he would fall on the floor if he did.

I miss her, Lord. Let her know how much
.

He shifted slightly and winced. The foam rubber mattress was supported by bars that dug into his ribs whenever he moved.

Sleep did not come easily in Hungary, but the quiet hours allowed him to reflect on his summer with Jade, especially the days before his trip. He had been impatient with her, and he wished desperately for the chance to call and apologize. If only Jade weren’t so deeply depressed about the way they’d fallen that night.

Tanner flipped onto his back and gazed out the dusty, double-paned window. What he and Jade had done was wrong. He would give anything to go back in time and heed the Lord’s warning that night. But there was no going back. The way they’d gone against God was something they could never undo, and Tanner realized they would suffer consequences as a result.

One of which was the way Jade had felt worthless about herself since that night.

Before leaving, Tanner had assured her several times that God still loved her, still had her name in the Book of Life. He promised her they would set more stringent boundaries next time they were together. He would not make the same mistake twice.

But at some point, Tanner believed they needed to move on,
and he’d shared that thought in their final phone conversation.

Tanner’s eyes adjusted to the dark, and he could see his roommates sleeping soundly. He sighed, lifted his head, and turned his pillow over. Of course they were sleeping. None of them had let God down in the weeks before taking this trip. None of them had a troubled fiancée a million miles away. He lifted his head again and folded the pillow in half.

He thought of the Scripture about temptation and God providing a way out. No doubt, God had given him ways of escape that night. Tanner had simply ignored the warnings.

He sighed and tried to think of something else. It wasn’t always a good thing to dwell too long on Jade. Feelings of repentance tended to give way to feelings far less pure.

He was counting down the days until next summer. Two-hundred and seventy-two, come morning. As far as he was concerned, the school year couldn’t go by quickly enough, because then Jade would be his wife. Once that happened, the feelings that plagued him now would be a blessing.

On the first day of the trip, he had written her a lengthy letter apologizing for being impatient with her when they last talked. He missed her, loved her, couldn’t wait to see her, couldn’t wait for the day—not far off—when he could marry her. His letters since then spoke everything he felt in his heart; … he hoped she had received them by now.

Tanner prayed for Jade often and thought of her throughout the day. But as he turned onto his side again, in the early morning hours of his tenth day in the field, he couldn’t get the image of her out of his mind. It wasn’t desire he felt, but concern, alarm.

Tanner flipped onto his stomach and stared out the dirty windowpane to the swaying silhouette of maple trees outside.
What is this, God? What’s wrong? Why is she so heavily on my heart?

Jade’s in trouble, my son. Pray. Pray quickly
.

He heard the urging in his heart and felt a sense of terrifying alarm. Without hesitation he closed his eyes, bowed his head and for the next hour—sometimes in tears—he prayed for the woman he loved with all his heart.

The rains had started again, helping to wash away the memories of summer that haunted Jade. It was Monday afternoon, and she sat on the familiar box under the covered front porch praying for wisdom and waiting for her father to come home. She had to tell him soon; her health coverage was provided through her father’s job at the garage. But how would he ever understand? What would he do to her once he found out? And how was it that forty-eight hours earlier everything had seemed like it was going to work out?

No matter how the facts shouted the truth, she still found herself wanting to believe Tanner. If she thought it might change the truth, she would have called Mrs. Eastman and told her how badly mistaken she must have been about Tanner, how Tanner had never been with any woman before and how he would always love her more than life itself.

But every time she reached for the telephone, she remembered the photographs. And the fact that she’d still not received even a single letter from Tanner. Then the reality—as impossible as it was—would set in.

There was a rumbling at the end of the street, and Jade knew it was her father’s pickup. She glanced at her watch. Four o’clock. That meant he’d run out of work early and spent the hours since lunch at the bar. Jade clenched her jaw.
Lord, give me the words. Help him understand
.

She watched her father swing the pickup into the driveway
and squarely hit a rain-filled rut before jerking the truck to a stop. He staggered out of the truck, and Jade was seized with a fear she’d felt hundreds of time.
Dad … you’re going to kill someone driving like that
.

He walked slowly, tripping over his feet and very nearly falling on the porch steps before he stopped, lurched slightly, and spotted her.

“Whatcha doin’ home? Aren’t ya supposed ta be with them sick kids?”

Jade’s heart pounded. Maybe she should wait and tell him some other time, when he hadn’t been drinking. She swallowed and stepped toward him, and the alcohol on his breath assaulted her sense. If she waited until he was sober, she might never have the chance. It was now or never.

“I’m not working today, Daddy.” There was disgust on his face as he studied her. Then he shrugged and turned away. She took another step in his direction. “I have something to tell you.”

Her father spun slowly back around and scowled in a way that made Jade’s insides shrivel. He waited a moment and then shouted at her. “Well … spit it out!”

“Daddy, let’s go inside.”

Her father did not look happy, but he moved into the house and flung himself into his recliner. Jade followed and sat on the sofa across from him. She picked at the foam rubber sticking out from holes in the cushion.
Help me, God. Please
.

“Daddy, something’s happened and you need to know. I want you to know.”

A strange, angry look filled her father’s eyes, and he pushed himself up straighter in his chair as he glared at Jade. “What’d you do?”

Her response came quickly. “Nothing … I mean.” She was
filled with shame. “Tanner and I …” She paused. “Daddy, I’m pregnant. I have to see a doctor.”

Her father leaned back slowly in his chair, his mouth twisted into a sneer. “So, I was right all these years. You turned into a slut jus’ like your dear old mother.”

“Daddy, I’m not a—”

“Ah, shut up!” Her father narrowed his eyes, his face flushed. Jade wondered how much he’d had to drink, and she was suddenly afraid of him. He snarled when he spoke again. “You don’t need a doctor for an abortion. Clinics do that kinda thing.”

Jade shook her head. “No, Daddy, I’m not getting an abortion. I want this baby. But I need to see a doctor.”

Her father eyed her as if she were worthless. “Where’s the won’erful neighbor boy who got the goods from you? If you’re havin’ his baby, why don’t you go live with him?”

“He’s gone. He’s … he’s not in the picture anymore.”

Her father came out of his chair so suddenly that Jade gasped. In seconds he was towering over her, glaring at her. “He’s not in the picture because you’re a no-good whore—” he raised his hand over her—“like your
mother.
” As he said the last word, his hand came down and slapped her, hard, across the face.

The stinging force took Jade by surprise, and she cried out as her head rocked back from the impact. She brought her arms up, cowering behind them in an effort to stave off any more blows.

Her father’s hand was still raised, but he lowered it slowly. He looked less angry and more shocked at what he had done, but his eyes still glistened with contempt. “I always told you Jim Rudolph was the best thing that ever happened to you. He’d a married you. But now that you’re knocked up he won’t want you, either. No one’ll want you.”