A Moment of Weakness (20 page)

He stood like a man who had aged forty years in a single instant, and he realized a part of him had died with the news about Jade.
So, Lord, this is what it feels like to have a broken heart. A broken life
.

As he and his mother left the airport, he remembered something he’d said as a young boy the first time Jade had disappeared from his life. The words were as true now as they had been back then. He and Jade would be together again one day—even if for only a moment so she could explain what had happened. He would find her. Even if he had to search the world over.

With that thought firmly in place, he collected his things
and took the first step toward a future that was suddenly darker than the winter skies in Kelso.

Eleven years later

T
HE RAIN HAD BEEN RELENTLESS, AND
W
EDNESDAY
, F
EBRUARY
9 was no different from a dozen previous Wednesdays. At nine that morning, the women from the Bible study group shed raincoats, umbrellas, and muddy shoes at the door and filed into Jade Rudolph’s living room, where the atmosphere was considerably warmer and brighter. Coffee and fresh-baked brownies filled the table, and a glowing fire crackled in the brick fireplace.

The women took their seats, and Jade poured coffee as several moms set their toddlers in the next room with a variety of toys. Jade loved the sounds of the little ones. It made her remember when Ty was a baby.

The Bible study, made up entirely of mothers, had been meeting at Jade’s house for the past year, and she’d gotten close to many of the women. They had students of all ages who attended Portland public schools—specifically three schools on the city’s northeastern boundary: Shamrock Elementary, Woodbridge Junior High, and Riverview High School.

They met each week and discussed education-related issues, keeping each other apprised about problems that might affect their children. For the most part, they spent the hour in prayer. Deep, heartfelt, fervent prayer. Public schools had taken a violent beating over the past few years. If there was one thing their children needed, it was prayer.

Jackie Conley was among the women in the group. Her husband was a teacher alongside Jade’s husband, Jim, at Woodbridge Junior and the two women had become friends when Ty was a baby. Jackie had invited her to a Bible study, and by the end of the eight-week session, Jade’s strained relationship with the Lord had been restored.

She thanked God daily for Jackie and trusted her like a sister.

The current discussion involved an issue at Woodbridge. The junior high had adapted as part of its curriculum a government-sponsored program called Channel One. Jackie’s husband had expressed concern over the programming content, and Jackie and Jade agreed to research the matter.

The women were alarmed at what they learned. The program provided public classrooms with free televisions along with considerable grant money in exchange for a commitment from the administration: Each day students would watch a fifteen-minute program titled “Channel One.” Jade and Jackie had chosen this morning to inform the Bible study group of their findings.

“Explain the problem again.…” Susan looked confused. Her daughter was in kindergarten, and she’d told the group that free televisions in every classroom seemed like a good idea. Kids might learn something from the documentaries.

Jade understood. At first glance it sounded like a situation where everyone might win.

“The televisions come with strings attached.” Jade fidgeted with her fingernails and thought about how to say it simply. “The school gets the televisions and money as long as the kids watch the Channel One program.”

The other women sipped coffee and looked concerned. If Jade and Jackie were bothered, there was probably trouble brewing. Susan shook her head and looked from one woman
to the next. “I’m still not seeing the problem.”

Jade drew a deep breath.
Help me explain this, God. Please
. “The problem is Channel One has questionable content. Unchecked news programs, two-minute documentaries on the proper use of condoms, open discussions of sex, and at least four minutes each day of advertising.”

Susan’s eyes were wide, and Jade felt a wave of relief. Channel One was a big mistake, and she was glad the group was finally seeing the problem.

“And they show it every day?” Susan sounded angry.

“Yes. Every day. Classrooms give up fifteen minutes of instruction in exchange for the Channel One time.”

Jackie leaned forward and checked her notes. “The corporate sponsors—fast food restaurants, clothing companies—support the programming with commercial money—part of which goes back to the U.S. Department of Education.”

Susan tapped her pencil on her paper. “So what you’re saying is, the U.S. Department of Education is making a profit on televised commercials being shown to our children each day while they’re supposed to be learning at school.” She paused. “And our schools have agreed to this garbage because they want free televisions?”

“And grant money.” Jade searched the faces in the group. “The government makes the package attractive so the schools buy in on the idea.”

Jackie nodded. “Not only are the kids subjected to commercials when they should be learning, but they’re exposed to whatever programming the government agrees to. Generally, that can be a fairly liberal, slanted dose of documentaries. Politically correct items about alternative lifestyles and insensitive religious right-wingers along with stories—like Jade said—about the importance of condom distribution in schools.”

The women were stunned, and Jade knew they finally understood.

Susan spoke first. “We need to get those televisions out.”

Jade nodded. “That’s the first thing we want to pray about today.” She looked at Jackie. “As some of you know, I’ve spoken to the school board about this already, and they’ll be discussing it at a public forum in a few weeks. Apparently, they’re not convinced that commercials and provocative programming warrants the removal of the TVs. So I’ve done a little digging and found something else.…”

Jade explained how she’d seen a Web site advertised continuously at the bottom of the screen throughout the Channel One programming.

“Last week Jackie and I looked into the site and found an entire Channel One menu. Among other things, it had a chat room where people who I presume were junior high and high school students—although they could have been forty-year-old predators—were discussing sex in vulgar and explicit language.” She hesitated. “We also found links to documentaries already featured on Channel One.”

Jackie sorted through a stack of papers until she found a wrinkled page of hand-written notes. “Many of the programs have been objectionable, but one was a special on a rock singer we’ve talked about before. He is a favorite among hate groups and has songs with lyrics instructing kids to kill and commit suicide. He is openly, violently hateful toward God and things of God. Once when an interviewer asked him how he pictured his own funeral, this singer said he wanted everyone he ever knew and anyone who had ever attended any of his concerts in attendance. Then, when they were all assembled, bombs would go off and kill everyone.”

“That’s terrible!” Susan’s face was red. “I guess my kids are
too young to know about that stuff.… Thank God.… I can’t believe anyone that awful would get air time in our public schools!”

“I agree.” Jade sighed. “Remember that high school in Denver where the boys killed a dozen classmates and a teacher and hurt about twenty other kids?”

Faces grew troubled as everyone nodded, thinking back on the tragedy. Jackie drew a deep breath. “Those trench-coat gothic kids listened to this singer constantly, quoted from his songs, and apparently bought into his message.” She paused. “And Channel One carried a special on the guy that ran into the classrooms of every school that has made free televisions and grant money more important than our children.”

“The televisions need to go. Immediately.” Susan looked at the other moms for approval, and Jade was glad when she saw them nodding in agreement.

“What’s your husband think about this, Jade?” It was Beth, a quiet mother with twin daughters at the junior high. The women knew each other well enough to know that Jade’s husband was not a Christian. More, that he was adamantly against Jade interfering with the ways of the school.

“Jim and I are struggling, Beth.…” Jade was pierced with sadness. The issue had been a thorn in their marriage for the past month. Not that their marriage had been without thorns prior to Channel One.

There had been numerous issues over the years, times when Jim disagreed with her. Still, Jade had been wrong about what she was capable of feeling for him. Jim proved kinder than she’d thought possible, a good provider and often fun to be with. Although they never connected the way she and Tanner had, she grew to love him in her own way. For a while, she even considered having more children—laughing, sweet
faces to fill the house and be brothers or sisters for Ty. But for all the attention Jim gave Jade, he was often disinterested in their son and expressed no interest in having another child.

Three years after Ty’s birth, Jim had pulled her aside one evening and shared his feelings about parenthood. “The truth is, I never pictured myself as a father, Jade.” His shoulders sagged and his expression was defeated. “All I ever wanted was you and me. Together. Kids … well, they were never part of the picture, you know?”

Jade knew only too well. Nothing about her life was how she had pictured it.

“What I’m trying to say,” Jim had continued, “is … I want a vasectomy, just so we don’t take any chances.”

Jade had been sad at first, but she eventually agreed. She could lavish all the love bottled up in her heart on Ty. She had no need for other children, especially when Jim had no interest in being a father.

He’d gotten the vasectomy weeks later, but in the years since, Jade always thought Jim had been lying about the surgery somehow. Since then on several occasions she’d been plagued with questions. Why hadn’t she gotten pregnant in the years after having Ty, especially since they hadn’t used birth control? If Jim was so set against having more children, why hadn’t he insisted on the vasectomy sooner? And how come there hadn’t been any downtime associated with his surgery? The procedure was done in the afternoon, and Jim was back to work the next day without taking so much as a single aspirin.

Somehow there seemed to be a missing piece to the story, and occasionally—when she would note the lack of bonding between Ty and Jim—she would wonder if Jim had been sterile all along. And because of that, perhaps even known the truth.

That Ty wasn’t really his son.

There had been other issues over the years, and once, after a particularly rough evening, Jim shouted at her in frustration. “What do I have to do to win your love, Jade? All my life I’ve loved you, whether I wanted to or not. It’s like you’re some kind of … of disease that worked its way into my blood.” He waved his hand toward Ty’s room. “I’ve seen you love
him
. You love that boy more than anything, but what about me, huh? What sort of curse am I under, driven to love you when all your life you’ve never, not once, loved me back?”

Jade could still feel how her face had flushed from Jim’s accusation. She had never meant to hurt him, but clearly he had been suffering. Her heart had softened as she crossed the room toward him. “That’s not true, Jim.… I love you. I’ve said it a—”

“Stop!” He held up his hand, preventing her from coming closer. “I understand.…” His body had been trembling, and he struggled to regain control. “You love me in your own way, on your terms. But I don’t care what you say, Jade. This relationship has always been one-sided, and there’s nothing either of us can do to change that.” He let his arm drop and disappeared up the stairs into their bedroom.

Jade remembered the outburst like it was yesterday.

Jim had been right then, and he was right now. But through the years they had stayed together longer than many of their friends, and Jade knew she would never leave him. God wanted her where she was. And maybe, if she prayed diligently, one day she could love Jim the way she knew he longed to be loved.

Lately, their biggest disagreements came whenever she took a stand on issues that affected Woodbridge. For the past two years, when Jade was busy fighting the school board on whatever issue she was involved in, Jim would grow distant and spend his evenings meeting with colleagues or having drinks
with friends. There were times when Jade wondered if maybe he was trying to distance himself from her, finally rid her from his system. When she felt that way, she tried harder to pay him attention, listen to him, be available for him. But she could not stop herself from being involved at Woodbridge and no matter how hard she tried, she felt Jim growing away from her.

Especially now. Her attack on Channel One seemed to make him angrier than all the other issues combined.

She exhaled slowly, and her thoughts returned to the Bible study group and the meeting they were having. “Jim’s upset about my involvement, no question about it. He wants the televisions to stay. He says the school gets precious little grant money at Woodbridge, and the kids need the funds.”

“What’s he think about the government using the kids to make money on those commercials?” Susan raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t that bother him?”

They don’t know the half of it. Lord, help me be careful how I talk about Jim
. “Trathfully … Channel One doesn’t bother him nearly as much as I do, Susan.” Jade hung her head. “You can pray about that, too.… Sometimes I don’t know if my marriage can take it.”

A knowing look crossed Jackie’s face. “Jade, we need to talk. Later, okay?”