A Moment of Weakness (21 page)

A ripple of alarm disturbed the waters of Jade’s mind. Scott and Jim talked at work, and there were times when Jackie knew what was troubling Jim long before Jade. She nodded to her friend. “Okay, later. Let’s pray now.”

The women near Jade reached toward her, placing their hands on her shoulders and gripping her knees. While their toddlers continued playing unaware, the group of moms bowed their heads and prayed that Channel One be taken out of Woodbridge Junior High.

And that Jade’s marriage might have the strength to withstand the fight.

Meat loaf simmered in the oven, and Jade busied herself with a broom, sweeping the kitchen floor and in general tidying the place before Jim arrived. If there was one thing that upset him, it was coming home to a messy house.

At times like this Jade was thankful she’d stayed in shape and in general had the same strength and energy she’d had ten years earlier. Otherwise she would have been too tired to balance her schedule. When she thought about all she managed to do in a day, the sum of it was almost dizzying.

She had finished her nursing training when Ty started kindergarten and now was one of the most requested nurses with Portland Home Health Care. She worked four to six hours each day traveling from house to house caring for homebound patients. She loved her job and had no complaints about her schedule. As long as she was home when Ty got home.

Ty was in fifth grade—one year away from attending Woodbridge. Twice a week she made time in her schedule to volunteer in his classroom, helping students learn word processing. Ty was proud of her, and she wouldn’t have missed the opportunity for the world.

“You’re the prettiest mom at school,” he’d told her the day before. It was something he mentioned often. “All the guys say so.”

“Is that right?”

“Yep. Jack says you’re a babe.”

Jade had smiled and tickled Ty in the ribs. “This babe wants you to get your homework done, okay?”

They shared the relationship Jade had always dreamed of
sharing with her child. The boy was lanky with an easy smile, gifted both athletically and academically. People liked to say he must have gotten these gifts from her since Jim had long since lost his football physique and allowed himself to grow soft.

But Jade knew the truth.

Ty was exactly like his father.

She swept the floor and mentally calculated that by this hour of the evening Ty would be finished with basketball practice. Jim would be picking him up, and the two of them would be home in fifteen minutes. That was another area of concern. Jim thought they were babying Ty by giving him rides home from school.

“He’s a big boy, Jade. He can walk home.”

“It’s not safe. A boy that young shouldn’t have to walk a mile in the dark.”

“Sure he should. It’ll make him tough.”

Jade could have picked him up, of course. She would have walked barefoot in the snow to greet her son after basketball practice. But then she wouldn’t be home to have the house clean and dinner on the table. And there was something to be said for keeping peace in their home. Besides, the ride home was the only time Ty and Jim had alone together. Especially now that Jim preferred coming home, eating dinner, and then going back out again.

“It’s stressful teaching kids that age.” He complained whenever she balked at his evening ritual. “Teachers need to spend time together after school. Deal with it, Jade.”

Deal with it, Jade
.

His words ran through her mind again and again. Until two years ago, Jim never would have spoken to her that way. He might not have appreciated her viewpoint, but he never mocked her. Not until lately.

She sighed and ran a dishrag once more over the kitchen counter. She had the uneasy feeling that their marriage was falling apart.
Help me, Lord. What can I do to make things better?

As far as it depends on you, live at peace with one another.…

It was the same Scripture that came to mind whenever she doubted her marriage. But there were times when she wished for more than peace. Times when she wanted only to be loved the way she’d felt loved that summer with Tanner. No matter how she prayed and tried to see Jim in a different light, she was never physically attracted to him. She tolerated him and allowed him to have his way whenever he felt the need, but their unions were brief and filled with a sense of hurried desperation. Jim did not concern himself with whether she enjoyed their time together. In that sense, things hadn’t changed much since high school. Jim was too concerned with himself. Even in his kindest moments, he genuinely believed Jade was lucky to be married to him, and he reminded her of the fact regularly—especially at night, after they’d been together.

Jade knew it was wrong to compare him to Tanner. But their marriage had never been anything like the magic she’d felt with Tanner that summer. She and Tanner had been wrong their last night together at his apartment, and they would spend their lives dealing with the consequences. But her heart and body had never felt so right. Not before or since.

She wrung out the dishrag and draped it over the faucet.
Tanner
. The memory of him still caused an ache in her heart. It had been many years since she’d seen him, but she thought of him every day, wondering if he’d married or if he was still getting girls into trouble.

Even now, with all the time that had passed and all the miles between them, she struggled with the image of a conniving, womanizing Tanner. Maybe because Ty was so like Tanner
had been at that age, or maybe because her son’s gentle heart reminded her so much of how Tanner had been that summer. Either way, when she remembered Tanner, it wasn’t as an evil, self-centered monster. Rather she thought of him as she would always think of him: pure and wonderful and kind. The only man she had ever truly loved.

Except for Ty, of course.

Jade thought about how fast his childhood had gone and how even now he was like a brilliant comet arcing his way out of her life and into that of his own. She had not pigeonholed him into a career like Tanner’s mother had done to her son. Nor had she considered deserting him like her mother had done to her. Rather she treasured every moment, knowing time was both precious and fleeting.

She surveyed the clean kitchen and thought about the mom’s support group. Jackie had wanted to talk to her about something, but they’d never connected after the meeting. She crossed the kitchen and reached for the telephone just as the door opened.
Jackie would have to wait
. Jade put away the broom and headed for the front door.

“Mom! You won’t believe what happened!” Ty was all legs and wide-eyed excitement as he tossed his gym bag on the recliner and wrapped his arms around her in a hug.

“Tell me.” She smoothed back a lock of sweaty hair from his forehead and wrinkled her nose. “Hmm. Shower time right after dinner.”

Ty laughed. “Pretty slimy, huh?”

“I’d say.” She laughed, too, as she wiped her hand on her jeans.

Ty flopped to the ground and ripped off his shoes and ankle braces, scattering them about on the floor. As he did, Jim rounded the corner, briefcase in hand, and stopped, taking in
the mess. A scowl spread across his face.

“Haven’t I told you not to throw your stuff around the minute you get in?” His voice was loud. Not angry, like Jade had heard it get lately, but heading that way fast.

Ty’s smile fell, and immediately he jumped up and collected his things. “Sorry.”

Jim turned and began stomping up the stairs. “You’re always sorry. Let’s see some action behind it.”

“Yes, Dad.”

Jade craned her neck and saw that Jim was out of earshot. Then she pulled Ty close again and rubbed a hand over his damp back. “Don’t let him get you down, buddy. He’s just had a hard day.”

Ty nodded and Jade saw the sadness in his eyes. “He always has a hard day.”

“I know. But give him a few minutes, and he’ll come around.”

“Okay.” Ty carried his shoes and bag toward the stairs.

“Wait a minute.” Jade was careful to keep her voice low so Jim wouldn’t think she was contradicting him. “Tell me what happened first.”

Her son’s eyes filled with adoration, and Jade knew that whatever else she had to do, whatever sacrifices she had to make, they paled in comparison with the joy this boy brought her. Theirs was a good life, and maybe one day things between her and Jim would change, and they could have the marriage she longed for. Until then, she would never go to sleep feeling sorry for herself. She had Ty and a precious relationship with God. In all the ways that mattered, it was more than Jade had ever hoped for.

Ty talked fast when he was excited, and he was reeling off sentences one after another. Whatever had happened it was
important to Ty, and Jade listened intently, keeping her eyes glued to his.

“And so I made five rebounds and six inside shots, and no one on the team’s ever done that in practice, and Coach Benson said I’d be starting forward at the next game, and—” he took a breath—“next year I know I’ll be a starter at Woodbridge and then for Riverview. We’re gonna be state champs, and then I’ll go to Arizona or Kansas or Duke, and after that probably fourth, maybe fifth round in the draft, and then …”

Ty was breathless from the story and Jade smiled.
He’s so full of life, so like his—

“The draft?” She was playing with him.

“Come on, Mom, you know.
The draft
. The NBA draft. As in pros … professional basketball …” Ty rolled his eyes and flashed a heart-rending grin at her. He headed toward the stairs again and shrugged. “Girls! What do
they
know. But I still love you, Mom.”

“Love you more.” She watched him disappear and uttered a silent prayer that Jim’s recent moodiness wouldn’t harm her son.

Ty was upstairs changing when Jim came down. Something about his clean jeans, new navy pullover, and the fresh splash of cologne he wore caused a tremor of anxiety that shook Jade’s soul. He came to her, looking up and down her body but never once making eye contact. Then he pulled her to him, nuzzling her neck with his mouth. As he did, he grabbed her bottom and worked his hands up.

“Jim!” Jade pulled away and turned to stir the vegetables on the stovetop. “Ty’s on his way down.”

“So. When’s that ever stopped me?”

What was wrong with him? Was Channel One really the only problem they were facing?

She pushed away her thoughts as he came up behind her, moving his hands wherever he wished. Jade kept her eyes on the dinner and hoped Jim would lose interest. She wasn’t worried about what Ty thought. He’d seen his parents kiss before, and certainly Jim could move his hands in an instant if they heard Ty on the stairs. But something had changed in Jim, and she was almost afraid to find out what.

“Feeling prudish, are we?” Jim sneered at her and grabbed a pop from the refrigerator.

Jade could feel her cheeks growing hot.
Lord, why can’t he ask me about my day like he used to?
“No, it’s just that …”

Jim narrowed his eyes at her. “It’s a real shame, Jade. Such a waste.” Jim walked away and popped the top on the can.

She glanced at him over her shoulder and opened the oven to check on the meat loaf. “What?”

“God gives you the body of a goddess—” he took a swig of the drink—“and all the desire of a cold fish.”

Desire wasn’t a problem when Tanner and I—

Immediately Jade banished the thought.
I’m sorry, Lord. That wasn’t right. But I won’t have Jim talk to me that way, not now or ever
. She pulled the meat loaf from the oven, set it on the stove, and spun around to face her husband.

“What’s with you lately? It’s like.” she struggled to contain her frustration. “It’s like you’ve turned into someone else.”

They locked eyes, and his were filled with meanness. He shrugged. “Maybe I’m finally letting you see the real me, Jade. Or maybe I’m tired of playing games for your attention.” He tossed her a sarcastic glance. “Besides, it’s your loss.”

“I’ve never been cold to you and you know it.” Jade didn’t want to fight, but Jim’s comment wasn’t fair. She made herself available as often as Jim wished. But here, now, in the kitchen while she was cooking dinner, she wanted to be treated with
respect.
Help me, God. Is that too much to ask? What’s happening to us?

As far as it depends on you live at peace with everyone.…

The Scripture came to mind again and Jade mentally agreed. She moved closer to Jim, put her arms around his neck and kissed him long and slow, desperate to make things right between them again. “Is that better?”

Jim smiled at her and studied her a moment. “Much better.” He kissed her back and his voice softened. “You’re so beautiful, Jade. I’m sorry.… I know I haven’t been myself lately.”

Jade nodded and silently thanked God for the guidance he’d given her.

“Hey.” Jim nuzzled her neck more gently. “How ’bout a quickie before we eat? The bathroom, maybe, or the hall closet?”

She heard Ty galloping down the stairs, and Jade raised an eyebrow as she wriggled from Jim’s grasp. “How ’bout we eat while the dinner’s still hot.”

Jim pulled away, took another swig of his drink and made his way to the table. “Don’t run on the stairs, Ty. I’ve told you that before.”

Ty rounded the corner, slowed to a screeching halt and walked to the table. “Sorry, Dad.”

“ ‘
Sorry, Dad
,’ ” Jim mimicked. “ ‘
Sorry, Dad
 … sorry, Dad.’ Is that all you can say? You need to remember the rules, boy, is that clear?”

Ty took his spot at the table, and Jade’s heart broke for him. He was probably dying to talk about basketball, and he was just a boy, after all. He’d been so excited he probably could have flown down the stairs and not realized it.

Dinner was strained despite Jim’s earlier apology, and Jade prayed her husband would lighten up so the evening wouldn’t
be completely ruined. Times like this she wondered what deep thoughts Jim was thinking. Why hadn’t she gotten pregnant those early years of marriage? And could he possibly know Ty wasn’t his.…

No, it wasn’t possible. Jim would never have kept that kind of suspicion from her. He would have found some way to use it against her. Jade stared at her plate. The meat loaf was dry, and she chewed a piece until it felt like rubber in her mouth. The meal passed without a question or comment from Jim to Ty, and Jade silently grieved for her son. She knew he craved his father’s attention, but there was nothing she could do to change Jim’s shortcomings as a father.