A Wealth of Unsaid Words (10 page)

much, would have blown him, fucked him, right there if he

hadn"t also been sick with the idea that he would lose

Everett when they went off to college, or go crazy on him, or

that his family would throw Alex out for touching their son.

Everett and his family had always said they only wanted Alex

to do the right thing, and that had not meant seducing

young, wasted Everett in the woods, he"d been certain of it.

“I could never,” he murmured at last, not even certain it

was audible.

It didn"t matter that Everett had offered himself before,

kissing practice, sharing stolen pornography and openly

beating off. For the kissing and other things, Alex could have

claimed the innocence of youth if asked, though it would

have been a lie. He"d never been that innocent, and never

about his feelings for Everett.

Everett exhaled noisily and then turned around. He

shifted back, still not quite touching Alex although suddenly

taking up more than his share of space. He grunted,

unhappy, uncomfortable, and after a second"s pause reached

behind him until he found Alex"s hand. He pulled on it until

Alex"s arm was around him and their fingers were laced, and

then he just as abruptly let go. Alex had the choice to either

move back to where he had been, knowing Everett would let

him, or to stay as he was and get comfortable too.

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

His fingers had been sticky, but Everett had been the

thief, breathing life into him and taking that first kiss.

Alex waited, then shifted to surround Everett"s heat and

carefully settle his head on his pillow. He stared at the

outline of Everett"s head and the back of his neck. He

thought about the lake and then Everett"s virginity and

wherever he"d finally lost it. The wound had never stopped

hurting, not in all these years.

“Are you this pushy with your lovers?” The safer word,

“boyfriend,” momentarily escaped him, but at least his tone

was whisper light.

“Not all of them.” Everett breathed into his pillow. It was

impossible to tell if he was joking. Alex swallowed, but

Everett wasn"t done. “I know you needed to see if you really

are okay now, if you can handle things on your own, but I… I

missed you.”

“I"m sor—” He almost said it. “Everett.”

“No, no, I"m proud. I know you never wanted to admit

just how much it scared you.” He went silent, and Alex

closed his eyes, then opened them. Everett had to hear his

heart thundering against his ribs. “How is it, really?”

“Not as bright,” Alex answered immediately in the dark,

thinking of both life without Everett and life without mania.

Some things were forever gone, traded for the promise of

stability. He mourned them, but not nearly as much as the

lost years. “But not as terrifying. Everything looks different.”

He could sense Everett"s mind working on that revelation,

deciding on what to ask first.

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

“Bad different?” Everett whispered too.

“No.” Alex shook his head to reinforce that, and then

because he was there and allowed to, he scooted closer until

they shared a pillow too. Everett leaned into him and let out

a long, shaky breath that could have held a prayer. “I feel

like I can handle things. Like maybe I won"t slip if….” If he

was without Everett, but Alex wasn"t verbalizing that

particular terror now. “Good different.”

“
Good
.” Everett meant it this time. Alex listened to him

breathing for a few more minutes, and then carefully slid in

that last inch until they were shoulder to shoulder, hip to

hip, and his words were damp against Everett"s skin.

He was so tired. Tired of wanting and not having, or of

having and still wanting more. Of thinking of all the things

his own mind had hidden from him. Tired of restraint and

wishing and longing for just a moment like this in Everett"s

room.

He wet his mouth and shaped out what he needed to

say as the minutes ticked by.

“It"s been a year, Everett.” A long, dry year to end long,

dry decades. There was a tree downstairs and dirty, thin

snow on the ground, and he did not think he could wait

much longer, even so scared that Everett had to feel his

quivering.

If Everett still wanted him, here he was. But he could

not say the words.

Everett gave a slow sigh and pushed back into him.

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

“I know,” he agreed, his voice husky, but he didn"t

move. From the sound of his voice, he was headed to sleep,

already half in a dream. Alex shut his eyes, and the

cowardice made him speak when he knew Everett wouldn"t

remember, as though once again he had plied Everett with

whiskey until he"d passed out and then curled up beside him

to whisper every secret desire into his ear.

“This might be awkward in the morning,” he exhaled to

himself, though he wasn"t sure what he even meant, if the

children should come in and find them like this, or if Everett

would wake up and be horrified to find himself being

spooned, or if Everett no longer wanted him, not in that way

that his eyes had once promised, but then Everett gave a

tired snort, awake after all.

“You think so?” he murmured, sleepily surprised, and

pulled Alex"s hand back to his chest, this time without

letting go.

verett was gone, and the house smelled like bread

dough when Alex woke up. It was Christmas Eve,

E and judging from the sounds, the kids knew it.

In the kitchen, there were a few people at the

counters, meddling in Everett"s business, and several more

at the breakfast nook, enjoying what looked like coffee and

the remnants of scrambled eggs that Alex must have missed

while he was dressing.

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

“I"m not decorating all those cookies for the neighbors,”

Everett was protesting as he did every year, though his

sisters and Robert would give up halfway through the dozens

of sugar cookies. If the children didn"t finish all the frosting

work, Everett would, somehow successfully conning Alex

into helping him every time.

Alex took a seat next to Ty, who was getting the

rundown on what to expect today and tonight and all the

little traditions he was now a part of.

“There"ll be some drinking among the younger crowd

tonight, but be warned, when the kids wake you up for

presents, you
will
get up—as long as it"s after six. It"s the

only rule my parents have ever made stick,” Rachel was

explaining. Alex rolled his eyes. Molly was just as bad as the

children. She never had a hangover or a need for normal

rest, and she"d always be up and screaming, even bouncing

into beds with people and singing, “It"s Christmas! Get up!”

the entire time.

“The kids open one present tonight, and then in the

morning, after they"ve woken the house, they can look

through their stockings while adults get their coffee and

reconcile themselves to being awake.” Everett appeared to

scoot some cookies and a cup of coffee over to him. He

smiled and ignored his mother scolding him about the idea

of giving anyone cookies for breakfast. “He deserves a

reward,” Everett told her, then quickly ducked back over to

the other side of the counter.

Alex stared after him, fully awake now and almost

electric to realize that Everett must have heard and

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

understood him last night after all. The heat under his skin

didn"t vanish when he realized Ty was watching him, but he

cleared his throat and reached for the sugar bowl in the

middle of the table without saying anything but good

morning to everyone. They weren"t going to give him the time

to be alone today that they had yesterday, he could tell from

their talk of movie marathons and trips over to the mall and