Adam's List (18 page)

My feelings for Adam have gone so far beyond friendship, it’s terrifying.

“Holy shit, that was
amazing
!” Adam gushes as we wait in line for a taxi. He stands by my side, the most animated he’s been since we met. “And I’ve never seen anyone play the piano or dance around with so much emotion. The confetti, the beach balls...god, it was brilliant! You really know how to pick ‘em, Jewels.”

“I knew it’d be good.” I break into a wide grin. “I’ve always liked them, but that was probably my favorite concert. Like
ever
.” I look down and cough a little, fighting the overwhelming need to kiss him, to feel the result of the energy coursing through him.

“What now? Are you ready to head back?”

“No. Not at all. I feel...
alive
.”

I giggle. He’s so giddy it’s
adorable
. “Me too. I know of a fun place we can stop.”

A taxi pulls up and we slide in. Adam’s delighted smile drops as he watches me instructing the driver where to take us. For a minute I think he’s going to lean in for a kiss. Then he turns away to look out his window.

“I don’t know how we could possibly top this night, Jewels. It’s safe to say Coldplay is my new favorite band.”

“Ah, welcome to the awesome side of life,” I tell him. “You should get your ass off your friend’s couch and come over more often.”

The line for the club isn’t too terrible by the time we arrive. I’ve never been here, only heard of the place through Jason’s buddy in the Corps. We’re on the rooftop bar within fifteen minutes. Loud music pulsates into the dark night air, the faces of all the people dancing illuminated by a sexy blue glow from the lights. The surreal feeling of the night just keeps improving, like I’m floating through the best dream ever.

We find a place to wriggle in at a high table. “Do you want a drink?” Adam asks.

In all the time we’ve spent together, I’ve never seen him drink booze, and I’ve decided the only way to keep my hormones in check is to stay sober. “A sparkling water would be nice. I think I may have busted a vocal chord at the concert.”

Adam flags a waitress down, grinning. “When he touched your hand, I thought you were going to pass out. Either that, or I thought my ear drum would shatter.”

“Sorry.” A telling flush fills my neck. “I kind of have a thing for hot guys who can sing and play instruments. Chris Martin’s probably at the top of the list.”

The waitress appears in a dress so tight I’m surprised she can move. Adam orders us each a sparkling water, and the woman winks at him before leaving. We wander over to the edge where a sweeping view of the city leaves us both breathless.

He turns to me after a moment. “You okay?”

“Oddly enough, this thin sheet of glass makes me feel safe from plunging to my death. Besides, I’m the one who brought us here, remember?”

We stand shoulder-to-shoulder, taking in the twinkling lights and still busy traffic below. I’ve always pictured myself living in a city this size one day. Chicago, New York, Miami, San Diego, it doesn’t really matter as long as there’s always something new and exciting to explore, new restaurants and bars to discover. Weather isn’t even a factor for me. It’s moments like this that I’ll always crave—being able to view the beauty of the city from above while taking in a hip dance club. At least until I’m too old to go clubbing.

“Where do you see yourself ending up one day?” I ask. “I mean if you ever venture outside of Wisconsin again.”

Adam ruffles his hair as he always does when he’s nervous or unsure. “I haven’t given it much thought. I’m too far into this living for the moment thing. You?”

“It’s gotta be somewhere big. I can’t deal with small towns. I don’t think I’ll stay in Wisconsin either. Part of me hopes I’ll fall in love with a city on this trip and decide it’s where I want to be.” I rest my hand against the glass, suddenly feeling brave. “I live for the idea of being surrounded by strangers. There’s always someone new to meet.

Always something thrilling to do to fill your time. Concerts, galas, art shows, it’s the kind of thing I see myself doing to stay busy and happy. I’m not the type to sit still and do nothing, or keep going back to the same bars every weekend. Know what I mean?”

I turn to find Adam staring at me with the kind of gaze I can’t handle. I grab his hand, pulling him away from the view. “C’mon, let’s dance. If this place is going to close soon, we need to make the best of it.”

Turns out Adam’s a goofy dancer, but extremely confident in his moves. We get lost in the pulsating crowd, moving carelessly to the techno beat as if we belong. At one point Adam reaches out as if to grind with me, but I wag my finger at him and remind him of the no touching rule I implemented. By the time it’s midnight and we’re getting shooed out, my sides hurt from laughing at Adam’s less than suave moves.

We ride another taxi down to the Crown Fountain and The Bean where I remember taking pictures into the mirrored art as a kid. Seeing these things so late at night is so relaxed compared to the usual hectic times I’ve visited in the daytime. The golden glow of the city lights reflect off the sculpture for a view nearly as stunning as the displays from the concert.

Adam steps in and out of view, his expression changing with every step. I laugh and pull out my phone. “Stand there a minute.”

We had an agreement long before we left that there would be no grumbling when it was time for pictures as I’m a visual nut and love photography. Adam obligingly tilts his chin down, looking up at me through the sculpture with a serene expression.

After I click a few shots, he steps forward, reaching for my phone. “Okay, your turn.”

“I have a better idea.” I lay on my back, resting my feet on the bottom of the mirror surface. “C’mon.”

Chuckling, Adam lays down just inches from me.

“Now look at the camera.” We make a series of varied faces throughout the pictures.

I knew Adam could be a lot of fun and not take himself so seriously, but I about bust a gut laughing at his outrageous gestures. Once I’m satisfied we have enough, I send one to Kelly.

Adam stands, reaching down to help me back to my feet. As I reach out to take it, he jerks his hand away. “Oops, no touching, remember?”

I stick out my lip in a pout, pretending to be offended even though I’m giggling. “So that’s how it’s going to be?” Popping back to my feet, I chase after him. “Since it was
my
rule, I’m going to be the one to break it!”

We run around like kindergarteners, laughing and screaming in a game of tag. A couple in their 30s walks past, gaping at our immaturity, but we don’t stop. We’ve thrown all our worries and inhibitions out the window to enjoy the moment.

I’ve reached a level of happiness I didn’t know existed before now.

I stir with a light tapping on the door leading to Adam’s room. “Jewels, you alive in there?” The clock on the nightstand reads 12:30.

I shoot out of bed, patting my wild hair down before opening the door between our rooms just a crack so he can see nothing more than my eyes. “Hey, yeah, just jumping in the shower.”

The sexiest of grins ruptures his face. He looks freshly showered and dressed. “I tried to text you earlier this morning to see if you wanted to go down for something to eat. You must’ve been in a fun coma.”

“Are you kidding me? After the amazing night we had? That level of excitement requires a minimum of twelve hours’ rest. Mark my words, you’ll be crashing later this afternoon.”

His eyebrows raise. “So are you coming to the Navy Pier with me, or should I leave you for another twelve hours of sleep?”

I open the door wider, allowing him to see my mangled hair. “Ready to be seen in public with me looking like this, or do you want to give me a few minutes to get ready?”

“It doesn’t matter. You always look great.”

His words cut through the spirit of our playful banter like a samurai sword. The well-meaning look in his eyes doesn’t help, either. Damn it, I’m really into this guy.

Backing away, I say, “Twenty minutes,” and slam the door in his face.

I lean against the door, willing my heart to stop racing. I’m done caring about his secret. Whatever it may be, I’m sure I can handle it. Besides, nothing says I have to allow myself to actually
love
him. There are still a plethora of other enjoyable things we can do without bringing those complicated emotions into the picture.

TEN

It’s a bright, sunny afternoon in Chicagoland. I stand at Adam’s side near the front of the boat, trying to take in the skyline with a new set of eyes. The last time I was on one of these little cruises around the city, I was barely old enough to see over the railing, so it’s sort of easy to do. Except I’m crazy aware every time Adam bumps into me, or breathes into my face, or taps on my shoulder to point something out in another direction.

Adam takes a deep breath beside me. “You’re right, this is amazing.”

I nod, trying to convince myself that a reenactment of
Titanic
would be completely inappropriate, although it would feel oh so good to be in his arms. The “no touching” rule was one of my least intelligent ideas.

Adam nudges me with his elbow. “Hey. I’ve been thinking. I want to ask you about something Kelly said the other day.”

“I thought we agreed the whole hot seat scenario was not to be revisited.”

“This is just a straight up question.”

I feel his smoldering stare and decide not to face him.

“What is this burning question inquiring minds want to know?”

“What did she mean about seeing the ‘old’ you? What were you like before? What changed?”

“Those are
three
questions. You suck at math.”

“Jewels, come on. What is it?”

I turn to lean against the railing, my eyes finally coming up to meet his. The only person I can think of who may have eyes that could compete are the beautiful orbs of Bradley Cooper.

“She was referring to my less than stellar days when I was in the habit of raining on her parade. Pooping on the party. You know, being a stick in the mud. Like I said before, I had a hard time last year. I did a good job of hiding it with sarcasm and booze. I was known to drink myself into a stupor.”

His thumb grazes over my forearm, sending my hormones on a collision course with my willpower. “Why do I get the feeling there’s something more to it that you aren’t telling me?”

I turn away from him to watch the skyline of Chicago lazily drift past. My eyes fall on the Sears tower. Jason tried like hell to convince me to stand in the clear glass box at the top that overlooks the city. Just the thought of doing it, however, threw me into a panic attack. There was a terribly long line for the elevator to go back down, so we dashed down the emergency steps for a few floors until we collapsed against a wall, eventually laughing at how ridiculous we must’ve looked to the other tourists.

Whenever I have the worst nightmares involving Jason where I wake myself with wailing sobs or panicked screams, I try to lean on those kinds of memories. I try to recall the way his cheeks pushed up when he smiled, the way he held me on his parents’

porch, or the way his lips felt when we kissed.

I’ll do anything to avoid the memory of breaking up with him, or the devastating call I got three days later.

Adam touches my arm. “Would you look at me, please?”

Fluttering my lashes, I look down. “There was a guy I dated junior and senior year.

His name was Jason. We were the kind of couple everyone thought would end up getting married and living happily ever after. I was the captain of the cheerleading squad, he was the quarterback. It was like we were living some kind of stereotype.”

I wipe at a few stray tears. “Jason was a great guy. Everyone loved him. They all thought he was a hero when he signed up for the Marine Corps our senior year. You’d think I would’ve been proud of him, but I was secretly pissed that he did it. I went on this self-pity trip where I wondered how he could do such a thing to me. I was so worried what I would do while he was over in Afghanistan. I didn’t understand how I was expected to just wait around for him for
five
years while he was off being a hero and I was stuck in the same spot, going to the local college and trying to figure out how to be my own person instead of being half of this amazing couple everyone held on a pedestal.”

Adam’s fingers trail up and down my arm. “You don’t have to tell me this.”

I shrug, still unable to look him in the eye. “You wanted to know. Anyway, while he was over there, I messed around with someone one night. It wasn’t anything more than kissing, but I was mad, and lonely, and a little drunk, I guess. It doesn’t excuse what I did to Jason. I was too much of a coward to tell him, so I told him we were finished. I was having fun in college, and didn’t want to worry about my boyfriend on the other side of the world. It was selfish. He was off defending our country, and I was busy hitting keggers. You can’t get any more shallow than that.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself.”

I wipe at my face and shake my head. “Just wait, there’s more. I got a call from his mom a few days later, saying there was an accident involving Jason and an IED. She was crying so hard I could barely understand her. At first I thought there must be some kind of mistake, or that they were joking around and Jason was coming home to surprise me because he was really upset when I broke up with him. He kept texting me and sending messages on Facebook, saying he didn’t want it to be over between us.

When I pulled up to their house and saw all the cars in the driveway, I knew it was real. I knew he was dead. I spent the night driving around. My parents had to find me using the GPS on my phone. I blacked out in a park downtown.”

I tried everything I could after Jason’s funeral to suppress the visions of him wearing his dress uniform inside his coffin, but I slipped into an arresting state of guilt that took over for
months
afterwards. Whenever I remember his mom’s call, or how I broke up with him, I feel the dark tentacles of depression sinking into my brain, threatening to pull me back under.